PAUL THE ODD WASHER

Paul the odd washer, washed my dirty dishes for free,

He delighted doing dishes, and did them with glee,

I asked him, "what's wrong?",

He replied with a song,

" I'm Paul the dish washer, an odd dishwasher, I be."

"STICKY FINGERS" RODNEY RAN THE TILL

The gross profit results looked extremely odd,

So, I took it to my accountant, named Todd,

He said someone's been stealing,

From the till, they've been peeling,

I knew it was my daughter's boyfriend, named Rod. 

PRETTY ANGEL IN THE SCARECROW

I dreamt I was a pretty angel, standing in a field of corn,

When I awoke, I was a scarecrow, and with rags I was adorn,

I saw corn bent over, none were straight,

A coming storm, foretold my fate,

A spinning cloud roared through the cornfield, making this scarecrow, unborn.  

GERTY, THE DIRTY LITTLE DOG

My Gerty, the dirty little dog,

Jumped on my Android, and tried to vlog,

She's still my best buddy,

But, her paws were muddy,

My Android screen is covered with fog.

SQUIRRELS ARE LAME GAMERS

I saw two squirrels playing a very silly game,

Rock, Scissors, Paper, a game that is so, so lame,

Should play Five Card Stud,

That game ain't a dud,

And, if you win all the money, life won't be the same.

61823

GERTY GETS DIRTY AND DIGS HER HOLES

My dog Gerty likes to dig a big hole,

Hunting for the vicious, underground mole,

She plays at catch and release,

Leaves the dirt diggers in peace,

Gerty gets dirty, but has a good soul.

GERTY GOT DIRTY, ONE SUMMER DAY

I went white water rafting, one sunny day,

The river was yucky with swirling red clay,

My little dog, named Gerty,

Got her face all dirty,

I washed her face off, once we got to the bay.

42524

HUNGER: TEXTURE AND SMELL

I went to an upscale restaurant that served only soup,

My soup had the smell and texture of a big bowl of poop,

I really did not care,

I had hunger to spare,

I rushed to work a giant soup spoon to slurp, scoop, slurp, scoop...

42424

FOOD FROM THE WEB

I'm eating spiders and their eggs,

They have no flavor and meatless legs,

But, they taste better than flies,

With their big bulging eyes,

Or, worms with bodies divided in segs.

12221

DRIFTY THE ROBIN

There was a robin named Drifty,
His eyes were real big and shifty,
When Herman the worm,
Decided to Squirm,
Drifty thought his next meal looked nifty.

Drifty liked to head up north,
To spend his summers after the Fourth,
But when the winter winds blew and blew,
Drifty headed south with his girlfriend Sue.

61822

CHEMICALS GOT THE BUGS OUT OF MY TEA

Timmy found some bedbugs, drifting in his cup of tea,

One started swimming, and Timmy threw his tea at me,

In the furniture, clothing and rugs,

My home was full of them bitting bugs,

I hired an exterminator, now I'm bedbug free.

100623

LIVING TIN BOAT LIGHTNING STORM HORROR

All wide eyed, I just had to sit and wonder, 

Just as the skies lit up, and then came thunder,

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom

The echoes of doom,

Sitting in a tin boat, was that a blunder?

42424

THE HIGH COST OF PRETTY FLOWERS

Leprechauns and unicorns and trolls; they all have to eat,

When they spy me working in my yard, they think of me as meat,

I must clean my springtime flowers,

To cause growth by springtime showers,

I just can't stay inside; so fairy critters will have a treat.

31323

MY PET PIG DIDN'T PAY HIS CHILD SUPPORT, AGAIN

My pig's child support payments had failed,
So, he was arrested and sentenced and jailed,
And, it didn't please the court,
When my pig went "snort, snort,"
For those comments he was really nailed.

51822

MY FLOWERS DIED, THANKS SIS!

My new potable flowers came in the mail,

I planted them deep, on my walk, in a pail,

They were lots of pretty,

Prettied my trashy city,

Then sister peed on them, to empty out ale.

TOBACCO INSPIRED

Harry liked to target the lunchroom spittoon,

He chewed tobacco when he took lunch at noon,

He hit the toon hole every time,

He inspired this amazing rhyme,

Add music, and we'd have a new tune to croon.  .

GNOMES DO WHAT GNOMES DO

Gnomes are really little dudes,
They play around and have attitudes,
They trample my garden flat,
They torment my poor cat,
My other pets they see as tasty foods. 

12022

THE NOSE HAIR SOUP LIMERICK

After work at the restaurant where I recoup,

I found several nose hairs in my noodle soup,

The manager sought to entice,

He charged me only half price,

And, I tied the nose  hairs in a great big hair loop.

11816

BEING POSITIVE

I'm positive of an evening sup,

I'm positive next morn the sun comes up,

I'm positive every day,

I'll be loading trucks in a bay,

I'm positive to be a tired old pup.

82820

LYNN THE WALRUS TOOK SAUNA BATHS LIMERICK

There once was a walrus named Lynn,
She took hot sauna baths to get thin,
But, on an all you can eat dinner date,
She ate and she ate,
Then, she gained eighty pounds for her sin.

71811

REFRIGERATION FOR MY PRETTY FACE

I bought a refrigerator, but it needed much repair,

It had completely shorted out, because its wires were bare,

At a rewiring one stop shop,

Got rewired, bottom to top,

It was like a new refrigerator, to store my skin care.

IF YOU HURT MY TRUMPET, I WILL HURT YOUR TOOT EVEN MORE

Benny took my pretty trumpet, and dropped it on the floor,

Then, Benny took my trumpet, and nailed it to the  backdoor,

Benny gets so very mean, 

On every Halloween,

So, I sawed in half his Pan flute, and it will play no more.

HEATWAVE

It is so very, very hot,

Steamy, is the texture of snot,

And, goodness knows,

The heatwave grows,

Water's gone, and the food is rot.

42324

TRISH THE MERMAID

There was a pretty mermaid named Trish,
If you were nice she’d grant you one wish,
I asked to swim well,
Then, Trish cast her spell,
She turned me into a goldfish.

112021

I KNOCKED A PIZZA DOWN

I found a whole pizza, but it was up in the trees,

Don't know how it got there, but there was a steady breeze,

It took me quite a bit,

But, I found a long stick,

I caught the sausage pizza, and added cheddar cheese.

FRED THE RED HAS GONE TO THE BAY

I had to box and bury my bestest friend, Fred,

My favorite goldfish, only he was more red,

He's now swimming today,

In a heavenly bay,

With all my other goldfish that I have found dead.

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT AND I, SWAMP CAMP

We're home; my gentle tender foot and I,

To our Bayou, tent camp, we said goodbye,

We had an invader,

A ten foot alligator,

The alligator gave us each, the eye.

T. P. TAYLOR BOUGHT NEW SHOES

T. P. Taylor bought some screaming, pretty blue shoes, 

It was important stuff, was on the nightly news,

The shoes were from the mall,

They were way, way too small,

Taylor asked for a refund, but got a refuse.

A BUG IN MY DILLS

I bought a can of dill pickles from an online superstore,

I received my can of dill pickles, in it is something more,

It has six legs,

Legs straight like pegs,

The thing looks like the cockroach I see, crawling across my floor. 

TERMITES AND ME

Something bad happened to my wood deck,
This spring it all fell all to heck,
On the problem I set sights,
And, found ten billion termites,
Next, my wood house crashed down in a wreck. 

8122

I TRIED SECURING A DATE WITH THE TASTIEST SCONES

I tried securing a date with the tastiest scones,
I recited poetry in soft monotones,
But, my lady chose another,
In fact, he was my brother,
Because of his strong pheromones.

42716

I'LL DRIVE YOU TO TOWN ON ICEY ROADS

More ice on the road means I have a greater chance to error,

And, send all of my passengers into a state of great terror,

For when I hit the ice, 

We will spin round once or twice,

Then, clean undies in my car become rarer.

121620

MY PET GATOR

My pet gator is covered with dots,
Yet, I gave him all of his shots,
But, he likes to eat weasels,
And, from them he caught measles,
Now, his poor belly is tied up in knots.

121521

CLOSING TIME

I'm afraid the universe is on it's last call,

Soon the universe will be nothing at all,

It's not yet, even May,

But, what should I say,

I'm ordering my drinks to be extra tall.

BRAIN CHIPS AND PRODUCTIVITY

I was admonished for working too slow,

The boss wanted me to go, go, go, go,

It caused me agonizing pain,

When he planted chips in my brain,

To make the boss more doe, doe, doe, doe.

2724

RICHIE THE RATTELSNAKE

Richie was a real vicious rattlesnake,
He lived in Michigan near Skegemog Lake,
When Cindy had too much ale,
She stepped on Richie's tail,
Richie bit her and even went to her wake.

10314

TALE OF THE PRO-FISHERMAN

I bought me some crawlers, so I could catch trout,

There's big ones out there, in the streams all about,

See, I write a love story,

As I story my glory,

A love for my fish-craft, and my wins I tout.

SQUAIL

I recently, went hunting for the elusive squail,

It's about 1\3rd squirrel, and 2\3rds of a quail,

It has the flavor of nuts,

Yet, smells like chicken butts,

I cover up with hollandaise sauce, garnished with kale.

41924

LIFE IN A TENT

I could no longer afford paying home rent,

I built a new estate, some called it a tent,

On the most unhappiest day

My tent was tornadoed away,

Worse, where the tent went, my body was sent.

41824

SIR ED NEEDS A DONATION

In the annuals of time, there was a dark night, called Sir Ed,

He became really vengeful, when someone cut off his head,

He'd ride searching, on his horse,

For a donor head, of course,

But, if Ed did find one, he would make the donor quite dead.

TOWARD THE MOON AND BACK

I accepted a mission, to sail all the way to the moon,

I postulated I could get there, with a hot air balloon,

Like missions of the past,

My balloon did not last,

I quickly plunged to the earth, landing in a seaside sand dune.

41824

APPLES, WORMY OR SQUISHY

The apples on the tree were wormy and ripe,

The apples on the ground were squishy like tripe,

So, wormy apples it be,

That I picked from the tree,

Although, apples with fewer worms are my type.

JERRY THE BOUNCER

Jerry had some weird, but mostly mundane work nights,

Jerry was a bar bouncer, and he bounced all fights,

He threw out the punks,

Called cabs for the drunks,

At last, He locked the place down, and turned out the lights.

41824

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT AND I

My gentle Tender Foot and I,

Loved to go up, up, up, and fly,

We flew a round balloon,

That rose like a full moon,

One day we crashed hard, but didn't die.

THE TREAT

As I wandered in the cold streets,

Checking dumpsters for my best eats,

Found a kiddie slide,

Took a down slide ride,

Little adventures are life's treats.

41624

CATO'S POTATO AND THE BIG, FOUL BEAR

There was a spider monkey named Cato,

The only food he had was a potato,

Along came this foul bear, 

He demanded his share,

In exchange, he shared his tomato. 

41624

WE PERISHABLE THOUGHTS

When will the great soul end our world, that has an existence which is paper thin?

Perhaps the great soul will decide to write us off, when it takes up a pen again,

Will the world end today?

Or, another day away?

Every  moment we perishable thoughts exist, we should count that as a win.

71624

FRED GOES TO?

There was an old fella known by most as, Fred,

He was found face down in a stream, drowned and dead,

Fred hit his big head,

On a hard rock bed,

Fred's somewhere drinking moonshine, with cousin Ted.

THE ZOMBIE RECKONING

Now that we zombies have won the last of all wars,

We are eating the living to settle old scores,

The living killed zombies, like dad,

That made me incredibly sad,

But, crackers, brains and marshmallows, make yummy s'mores.  

WHAT I MADE IN POTTERY CLASS

I took a pottery class,

And, potted a 4 lb rock bass,

I glazed him dark green,

And, his glass eyes looked real mean,

If he sells I'll make more fish in mass.

6818

DEATH BY BAT SCABIES

My storm door broken window let in a fright,🏡

It flew into my bedroom and gave my nose quite a bite,👃

The flying rat gave me rabies,😱

And, terminal scabies,💀

I erred and didn't seal my whole house up tight.🏚🔨

82021

THE ICE CREAM MAKER REVOLT

My AI ice cream maker, was named Dave,

He made my ice cream, he was my AI slave,

One day he got bold,

Didn't do, as was told,

He took my home, now I live in a cave.

41524

THE MONTH OF APRIL

If you live where there is no snow,

April is when your plants will grow

The baby deer falls from the doe,

You won't need socks to warm your toe,

You shelve long books, like Ivanhoe.

41524

THE RHUBARB WINE LIMERICKS UNPLUGGED

There is nothing as potent as fresh rhubarb wine,
It’s not drank by the timid, connoisseur or, divine,
The bottle warnings you should heed,
It can make your eye balls bleed,
To save yourself when offered a glass just decline. 

Rhubarb wine made me grow hair down between my toes,
I grew hair in my ears and the nostrils of my nose,
The wine made my eyes all glassy,
This scared off my main lassie, 
Rhubarb wine is the cause of most all of my woes.

11923

JUNIOR QUANTOS WENT TO SCHOOL

Junior Quantos went to a public high school,

He aced physics classes, using his big brain tool,

Although, his body was puny,

At 16, he went to Uni,

He became rich; he has a mansion with a pool.

WHAT TIGERS DO ALL DAY

There once was a tiger named Bill,

He lived just up over the hill,

Everyday he'd eat mice,

Take a swim to drown lice,

The rest of the time, he'd just chill.

A MARTIAN CAME DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE

A Martian came down from outer space,
He looked for towels with fancy white lace,
His wife wanted them soon,
Or, he'd sleep on the moon,
He bought her an entire case.

11823

THE PIG AND I

My cute little pig, laid down for a long sleep,

Now, soon tender vitals, my cleaver shall reap,

I have no regrets,

I eat all my pets,

Except for my hound dog; he'll bite me back, deep.

THE CLOWN WITH GINGIVITIS

The happy fat clown had gingivitis,
His smile could no longer delight us,
He was fired today,
Given no severance pay,
On the way out, he tried to bite us.

9322

COUCH PANTS

Jimmy had pants made of real nice Naugahyde,

Only pair that exists, and I've never lied,

His mama was poor,

Couldn't shop at a store,

Made Jimmy's pants from a couch, sitting outside.

THREE PINES AND ONE BAT CAMPGROUND

I went camping at a campground called, Three Pines and One Bat,

I saw the three dead pines, but worried, where was the bat at,

Then, ouch what the darn, heck?

 The bat vented my neck,

Out poured my blood, the dead pines turned green, I died where I sat.

THE COST FOR WADING IS MONEY AND PAIN

When wading in the ocean, you might get a bad sting,

And, most times that creature is a most poisonous thing,

The sting you must pamper,

You unhappy camper,

To get it treated, you'll have to sell most of your bling.

41424

THE MEAN BLUE BIRD NAMED JAY-Limerick

There was a big blue bird named Jay,
He chased all the small birds away,
An eagle dropped by,
He ate Jay on the fly,
No one helped Jay on that day.

Jay was a really mean old bird,
He only screamed and said not a word,
When an eagle named Heather,
Ate Jay beak and feather,
Jay's screams was all anyone heard.

No one was sad to see Jay gone,
He was mean from dawn to dawn,
For his memorial day,
Nothing good could one say,
At the wake they had salt licks and prawn.

33022

MY DIESEL TRUCK: THE CAUSE OF ALL MY PROBLEMS

I have a truck that’s a diesel and it don’t want to go,
Diesel fuel gets real sticky in the cold and the snow,
I’ll be late for my job,
I’ll be an unemployed slob,
I’d of bought a regular gas truck if only I’d know.

My diesel truck made me so late for work,
I was summarily fired by the boss, who’s a jerk,
Unemployed I and upset be,
My girl friend left me,
Now with not hope my mind is berserk.

121214

THE MIND WAR

I fought a mind war with checkers, against my natural foe,

He was my crazy sister's new boyfriend, and his name was Beau,

Beau took the round reds,

I got the black heads,

I  won when Beau's very last king, had no safe place to go.

 

MY NEW MUSIC HOBBY

I bought me some records that they call LP,

They make lots of noise, which makes a happy me,

I heard a trumpet toot, toot,

And, the peep, peep of a flute,

Then someone was singing, but they were off key.

ATTENTION ANDROIDS: JUST SAY NO TO POP

My pop was full of bubbles and those bubbles filled the void,

But, then the pop kept on bubbling and that made me annoyed,

 And, I was built with no gas release,

My maker can't help because he rests in peace,

I should not have drank pop because I'm an android,

I was in great pain but, I managed a burp,

It was very squeaky, much like a bird chirp,

I took an antacid, which made the pop bubble more,

The pressure and bloating made my android parts sore,

I vow not to drink pop, though I crave for a slurp.

102222

THE BEAR AND THE MAYONNAISE

My mayonnaise had an odor, so I set it outside my backdoor,

A grisly bear ate the whole jar, he died, with a whimper, and no roar,

My mayonnaise did the bear no good,

Poor big critter, from my neighborhood,

I took the empty jar into town, to get money back from the store.

41224

EXTRA NUTS PLEASE

I ordered some extra nuts off the net,

They're almonds, the right size nuts, you can bet,

I ordered the real salty,

Goes with my beer that's real malty,

Now with my nuts my weekend's all set.

THE SPACE LASAR GOT ME GOOD

There is this glowing space laser, some call it the sun,

It aims straight down on me, like some Martian ray gun,

It's not at all funny,

Getting zapped by the sunny

I feel cooked like a turkey, dry and crispy done.

6323

,

I TOOK A BREAK AND IT HURT

I ate two onion bagels, and that was lunch,

I washed them down with a sweet, raspberry punch,

My teeth were full of ruts,

On break I chewed some nuts,

I shouted "Ouch!", with every single crunch.

41224

Fridays Are For Knocking Off Early

Tank in back of the toilet seat,

Good porcelain clean and neat,

Sits solid on floor,

Friday used more,

See ya, at weekend retreat.

52722

LEFTOVERS

All the food in my fridge is in rapid decline,

The juice is all fuzzy, and has turned into wine,

The potatoes are a dark green,

The chicken has a shiny sheen,

Last months popular pork roast, is growing a vine.

041124

THERE WAS A COLLEGE STUDENT NAMED DRAKE

There was a college student named Drake,
Over and over the same class he'd take,
The first time he got a "C",
The second time a grade "B",
He should get an "A" now for goodness sake.

12317

I PARKED WRONG AND MY CAR WENT AWAY

I drove to work in the rain and the drive was really long,

I parked near the building although, I knew it was wrong,

After only one hour,

Even in a thunderous shower,

My car was hauled by a ding dong. 

82122

THE LOST PONTOON TREASURE

My pontoon, it don't float no more,

It's stuck in muck on the lake floor,

And, next to the seat,

There's snacks to eat,

For the fish it's a treasure score.

41224

FISHING WITH A FRIGID RUBBER WORM

I catch few fish but, many trees,

I catch logs, and shoes and water lillies,

I blame the rubber worm on my hook, 

Methinks he displays a bad look,

He's frigid and the fish want a tease.

51520

I SLEPT AROUND

I slept on a soft bed, and I slept on a coach,

I slept on floorboards with nails that made me shout, "ouch",

 I slept on a beach,

Where seagulls screech, screech,

I slept at the new zoo in a kangaroo pouch.

41124

THE BIG BEN BARN

I passed a barn out on U.S. 10,

It had a clock just like Big Ben,

But it didn't chime,

It mooed the time,

And clucked the music like a hen.

91622

ANTIQUE RAFTING

While I rafted down a creek,
My rubber raft ripped a big leak,
Then dry-shore I tried to seek,
But cold water made me swim too meek,
Soon my washed-up bones will be antique.

101821

NO TOCK, SO I BACH

I went today to see my heart specialist doc,

He said my heart had a tick, but seldom a tock, 

It made me both sad and happy,

I would soon see my dead pappy,

Soon dad's fiddle I'll hear playing, Johan S. Bach.

I LOST THE SNOW FORT

I lost my snow fort to the rain and sun,

I guess snow fort season is completely done,

The neighbor dog attacked and I'm overrun,

The dog barks and bites, so he ain't much fun,

I'm going back inside to hug my hon,

13022

A WORLD FULL OF PEOPLE

I went to the store, but the lot was filled up,

So I went to a restaurant to get me some sup,

Now I had no place at a table,

No one leaving, the place was stable,

So I went home and had noodles in a cup.

8417

WHO ARE THE GNOMES?

Their burger buns are packed with stones,

They fill their tacos with only bones,

They make their bread,

Of the walking dead,

To us they're known as gnomes. 

81122

CATCHING A SUNFISH CHANGES MY WORLD

I caught a giant sunfish and it's belly was full of pearls,

They were strung on some golden thread:  I guess they were some girls,

Then I found a big golden ring,

With a big diamond thing,   

I think next week I'll be dining with the Earls.

4318

JOY FOR FOOD SAMPLES

I like food stores that give out free samples,

Especially if those samples are amples,

Ample for a whole meal,

And  so I don't feel like I steal,

A sign so my rep don't get tramples.

72217

THE BONE PICKER LIMERICK

Ted turned a pretty profit in bones,
He picked them up in a pit full of stones,
Skulls and teeth he'd unbury,
Some looked handsome, some scary,
But none as scary as his student loans.

3122

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT

My wonderful, gentle, tender foot,

Worked long shifts on chimneys, clearing soot,

On the roof one day,

He slid fast away,

He now feeds a flower at the root.

41024

BIRDIE BRONSON THE PHEASANT

Birdie Bronson was a pet pheasant,
She lived on a farm near Mt. Pleasant,
She spotted a worm,
He started to squirm,
This was like saying that food was present.

Birdie Bronson the pheasant loved her bugs,
Though she never gave them kisses and hugs,
She bit them in two,
So she could chew,
Eating them by the bushels and lugs.

3922

PETE THE OGRE

There was an ogre named Pete,
He kept his hovel real neat,
They thought he was mean,
Because he was clean,
They refused to sell him some meat.

Because the townspeople were so rude,
Pete the Ogre could buy no food,
So, instead of baked brownies,
Pete lunched on the townies,
Pete became a respectable dude.

32822

TONY'S FISH SANDWICH LIMERICK

Tony's fish sandwich was all full of bones,
They got stuck in his throat and gave Tony moans,
Tony's next sandwich was jelly,
Which put aches in his belly,
Now, Tony just licks ice cream cones.

72721

WHY I HAVE NO CHAIRS LIMERICK

My relatives eat just pasta and beans,
Hence, in my family there aren't any leans,
So when one sits on a chair,
The weight it won't bear,
I'd buy more chairs but, I've run out of means.

112221

VOLE SOUP

I had vole soup and it didn't taste good,

It sort of tasted like pine cone wood,

The little ears and little tails,

The little paws with little nails,

I soped my bread and ate what I could.    

5221

ONLINE TUNA FISH AND HOMEMADE WINE

I ordered some tuna fish, online,

I opened the can and it smelled fine,

I ate it and drank homemade red wine,

I got gassy bubbles, a bad sign,

They buried me in a box; white pine.

 pine.

ITCHY CARPET

When I sit down on my carpet I start to itch,

I kind of blamed it on my little pooch, Mitch,

But, maybe it is not my little dog,

It could be my pet pig named Mog,

Or, my gerbils Frank, Leon and Rich.

12722
 

IN THE SHALLOWS THERE BE TURTLES

Four little fish were having such fun,
Swimming beneath the bright morning sun,
They swam in the shallows,
Which turned into a gallows,
The turtles ate every single one.

62021

A MEANER BEAR LIMERICK

A meaner bear I never saw,
Than the one in the woods near Mackinac,
He attacked my camp site,
Ate my fish in one bite,
Then on my tires he started to gnaw.

1123

MY TURKEY WOULD NOT STUFF

When stuffing my turkey, my turkey would not stuff,

I think it was the stuffing that made the job so rough,

I tried stuffing the bird with juice,

But, as stuffing juice is loose,

After stuffing the bird a third time, I decided I had enough.

92822

THE COUGAR IS COMING

If a cougar you want to stop,

First you give him a karate chop,

If he rips your arm off then you stop,  

And, cry out for your mom and pop,

If a cougar sees you don't run away,

If you do he'll think you want to play,

He's going to eat you anyway,

Just chalk it off to one bad day,

The cougar is coming, so you'd best hide away,

He can still smell you for you didn't bathe today,

Now, when he eats you I can sneak off to the bay,

Out on your yacht I'll catch me some ray.

32019

GETTING READY FOR WORK

I brush my teeth then wash my mouth out with a cup of ginger ale, 

I then spit out the ginger ale into a thing I call a pail,

To mood enhance,

I do a dance,

I then put on my uniform, and go to work guarding a jail.

4724

MY CHICKEN SAILED OUT TO SEA

My chicken sailed out to sea,

He left me so a traveler he'd be,

I told him he was a winner,

Always welcomed for a dinner,

Some scratch gravy I'd make, just for he.

11218

JIMMY 35 TOES

Jimmy had a grand total of 35 toes,

A local celebrity, who everyone knows,

Each year he gets a parade,

And all his toes are displayed,

He brings in the tourists, and his little town grows.

THE SIGN OF EVIL

I saw the sign of evil, I fear the most,

Six big locusts landed on my whole wheat toast,

My lower jaw made a sag,

Then I drooled on my dish rag,

I knew that by nightfall, I would be a ghost.

THE FLOWERLESS FLOWER MOON

I woke from sleep to see the Flower Moon,

I pierced through my window like the great sun at noon,

But, I saw no flowers,

Just star bunches and towers,

I'm thinking "weed" would be the moon's name in June.

51017

THE FIRST CONTACT HAIKU

Spacecraft, hovering, lands,

Open door, monster, ray gun,

Zap! Ouch! Alien probe! Ouch!!!

121223

MY ZAG AND MY ZIG AND MY JAZZ HARP GIG

I agreed with the highway when I made the zig,

I am afraid my zag was a mile too big,

My jeep made a fast roll,

I split body from soul,

I now play funky harp, when I get a jazz gig.

12321

POP ADDICTION

I went cold-freeze turkey,

Was muddled and murky,

I could never stop,

Drinking soda pop,

I'm now mean, and jerky. 

4624

THE CAVE OF GENTLE BEN, NOT!

Methinks that I heard a wren,

As I passed a forest glen,

I got very brave,

I entered a cave,

Found a bear, not Gentle Ben! 😦🤕

31321

THE PERCH THAT BEGGED HAD NO LEGS

The big perch I caught last night, had a big yellow belly,

His lips, tight as wires, and he was awfully smelly,

The perch begged and said, "Please, Please, Please,

If I had legs, I'd be on my knees,

Let me go and your kindness, I'll broadcast like a telly."

Epilogue

Fish tastes so good with lemon, and a dusting of white pepper and sea salt.

HOLLAND AND THE SWEATER COLORED KITTY

I went to Holland because in magazines it looks pretty,

Not the one overseas but, the one southwest of Bay City,

The tulips were the star,

I drank malt liqueur from a jar,

And, bought a sweater with colors matching my kitty.

41618

IT STORMED ALL DAY

It rained and stormed all day, 
The kids couldn't get out and play, 
They tore up the house,
 Drove off my spouse,
 Now all alone with the monsters I stay.

71822

FISH TONS AND NOT TO BE

How many, many tons of salty fish, are in the whole sea?

That was the question that really bothered, the brain cells in me,

I couldn't sleep at night,

My fingernails, I'd bite,

Then when I died,  the question was what is meant by not to be?.

THE DISCOMFORT OF GAINING MASS

Jim's Twinkie was shrinking with every big bite,

As Jim's Twinkie was shrinking, Jim's belt grew more tight,

Jim just went to the store,

Bought Twinkies, many more,

Jim loosened his belt, until his belt felt just right.

4524

I RAN FOR OFFICE AND WON

I was on the down ballot, on the down ballot way down deep,

Running for the coveted office, listed as County Creep,

Unopposed was I,

But we had a tie,

A coin toss made me #1, #2 became my Veep.

4524

OLD SKEGGEY, THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER

The Skegemog Lake monster attacked my tin boat,
He bit it in half, so it would no longer float,
But I got a real special wish,
Skeggey was hungry for just fish,
I swam home and this limerick I wrote.

21117

THE FAT WORMS

Danny went to the special foot doctor to check out his feet,

His feet were getting real skinny, although he'd often overeat,

Seems Danny had worms that ate fat,

Would be great, but where they're at,

Doc moved the worms to Danny's belly hoping for a repeat.

LATE DETENTION AND THE FLYING LEAP

My bus was late to Jefferson Junior High,

My teacher didn't care; he didn't even ask why?

He said he'd improve my rule retention,

With a month of late detention,

I told him he should go leap like a fly.

10118

 

DADDY SOLD MEDICAL SUPPLIES IV

We were so hungry, having absolutely no meat,

Daddy went looking for organs, to sell, or to eat,

Poor daddy worked on some guy,

When a police car passed by,

Now at the dinner table, is daddy's empty seat.

PICKLED EGGS AND SAUSAGES

I had pickled eggs and juicy pickled red hots,

I handle them just fine, but my dad gets the trots,

To put dad at ease,

I fed him some cheese,

That bound and gassed up his belly, now he farts lots.

4424

I WENT TO THE MARKET AND BOUGHT ME SOME TROUT

I went to the market and bought me some trout,
I didn't cook it enough and had a belly-ache bout,
I will never, ever eat fish,
Even, as a side dish,
But, I will eat a pig's feet, ears and, snout. 

6615

BIGGEST MUSHROOM FROM WEAR

Gary found a giant brown mushroom, sitting in a winged chair,

Gary figured the mushroom spore came from someone's underwear,

Gary loved mushrooms and rice,

He thought about it, and passed twice,

Gary took the mushroom, and won 1st prize at the county fair.

OLD JEFFREY IN THE MORNING

Jeff had two turkey sausages along with his tea,

He would of had eggs, but they disagree with Jeffrey,

Jeff did drink orange juice,

To keep his bowels loose,

OJ also gives old Jeffrey his vitamin C.

MISTY MAYLOX CLUBED AND DANCED

Misty Maylox made herself look very pretty,

She was going clubbing in the downtown city,

After drinking champagne and wine,

Misty danced really fine,

She staggered home singing a drinking late ditty. 

4324

QUIGLEY'S FAMILY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE

Quigley's family came from outer space,
They lacked human components like feet and face,
But, the world was fooled,
For the kids were home schooled,
While, the Quigleys dined on the human race.

121920

FRIENDSHIP IS SKIN DEEP

I had a friend come over and they were very rich,

They still left bugs on my sofa and I caught their itch,

I sprayed the sofa down twice, 

Once for microbes, once for lice,

A friend that makes me itchy is a friend  I will ditch.

4324

TANK THE CAPTAIN

There once was a ship captain named Tank,

Every ship he commanded he sank,

He ruined his career,

Because he could learn to steer,

Now he sails without any rank rank.

THE PARTY PIG AND THE PIE

Jon took his two favorite fingers, and stuck them deep in the pie,

Someone caught him committing the crime, with their big green watery eye,

Jon dripped cherry filling on his clothes

Then someone popped him in the nose,

They said he was a disgusting pig, and he'd better go bye, bye.

A SQUARE MEAL FOR A FLY

I made a bread sandwich, included tomatoes and cheese,

I made a fruity desert, included honey from bees,

I made a coffee to drink,

Drank antacid that was pink,

I then left for the big airport for my flight overseas.