THE MEMORIAL DAY TURKEY LIMERICK

My plumpest turkey was named Steve,

He earned himself a Thanksgiving reprieve,

Not too much to brag,

But, he saluted the flag,

On Memorial Day morning and eve.
 

THE DEVIL WANTS ME TO DO IT

The devil came to see me and said he was happy at how easily I lied,

He was also proud of my gluttony which made my profile big and wide,

 The devil asked me a favor,

He wanted a new ice cream flavor,

He wanted the taste of sulfur and knewt eyes deep fat fried.

I WENT TO THE DINER FOR BREAKFAST

I went out for breakfast for fried eggs, toast and bacon,

But, when I got to the diner all the seats had been taken,

It seems every breakfast was free,

For those who got there before me,

A nightmare from which I wish I'd awaken.

A FISH THAT DON'T FLOP CAN MAKE INTERNAL ORGANS ALL STOP

I found a fish up on the shore,

Maybe he once flopped but, he did not flop anymore,

So, I fried him in a vat,

Greased him up with bacon fat,

But, in a few hours he made my innards feel soar.

MY PLASTIC SIDING HAIKU

Wind, Siding,house stripped,
Shredded plastic,neighbor’s yards,
 Mess, insurance? HA!

THE AFTER WORLD

When you have been out in the world and, been covered with snot,

Then, all that you want is a place to sit down and rot,

So, you move out to the woods

With cases of canned and dry goods,

And, try to get by growing pot.

TWO DRAGONS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two dragons walked into a bar,

They breathed fire and smelled like hot tar,

The smell was not appealing,

Then, they stuck their heads through the ceiling,

Just to make a wish upon their lucky star.

WHAT YOU DON'T DO WITH BLEACH

I went to polish my best table's top,
It was stained with coffee and red soda pop,
I wish someone would teach,
You don't polish with bleach,
Or, at least someone would have yelled at me "STOP!"

MR. MITCHELL'S CUPCAKES LIMERICK

Mitchell and his cousin owned a lot of land,
So, they opened up a big box cup cake stand,
Mitchell sold only a few dozen,
But, between him and his cousin,
They each developed a diabetic gland.

I GOT BIG PROBLEMS

A penny for your thoughts but, a dollar if you don't share,✋

I have my own problems and, they're too much to bear,🐻

My toaster don't work,😱

My boyfriend's a jerk,🤹

He bought me an apple and, I wanted a pear.🍐

MY COW NAMED MOSES

I owned a cow named Moses,
Instead of hooves she had big toeses,
I could not keep them clean,
She got really mean,
So, I picked her a bunch of roses.

THE TOMATO PLANT FROST LIMERICK

I cannot begin to figure the cost,

For my tomato garden was destroyed by frost,

Some say they tire of my rants,

That I should have covered my plants,

True but, I've already worked to the point of exhaust.