WE SMELL LIKE WHAT WE EAT

I took my blind date out to an expensive restaurant, to eat,

After we each sat down, I noticed she had very stinky feet,

Please, no food for me,

I just ordered tea,

She ordered an all you can eat platter of pigs feet, spicy meat.

MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME BECAUSE...

My girlfriend just got home from the hospital, and boy was he mad,

She said I should have stayed with her, when she was so puking sick and sad,

I said," sweet honey, what could I do? 

I didn't want to catch your nasty flu,

She kicked me out of her house that night; I guess we're through, who cares, my bad.

ALICE NEVER LIVED HERE BEFORE; SHE TENT-MATES WITH MY EX IN TEXAS

My ex-girlfriend moved back to Texas, to a big city called Dallas,

She worked making greasy fries, at a grub bar called, Beer And Slop, By Alice,

Alice was a big, strapping boss,

Mouthy guests, through the door, she'd toss,

My ex rented a tent with her boss, that from pictures, looked like a palace.

I ALWAYS FALL FOR CHEATERS

My girlfriend, big dumped me, before the old year was through,

She said I couldn't cut it, in the coming year, that was new,

Her dating did not stall,

For months she'd dated Paul,

I didn't suspect her cheating; my love for her grew and grew.😭

BAD NEIGHBORS

I was so mad; I put on my winter boots to walk into a war,

The evil, next door neighbors, blew out their driveway, and filled mine in more,

The neighbors ran away,

In their house, they would stay,

I blew out my driveway, and into their driveway, I let the snow pour.

MY CAT: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SMELLS

My big, lurking, gray cat has many wicked, wicked ways,

My cat, Sheila, eats the rats that make my home, their maze,

When I enjoy my night cap,

She will blow farts on my lap,

When I eat tuna melt, she glares, with a murderous gaze.

WALKING WHILE TALKING ABOUT OLD FRIENDS, AND A CHEW

I left the sleepy, little village, because I thought I'd take a walk,

Villagers think that I am really weird, because to myself, I talk,

I discuss the friends of my past,

Their little lives that did not last,

I like to hike past the cornfields, so I can chew kernels off a stalk,

EEK AND ZEEK, PEEK AND SEEK

I have two uncles, they are twins, named Zeek and Eek,

When they saw pretty girls, they would sneak a peek,

The girls thought the peek was a stare,

So did local Constable Robare,

Now, Zeek and Eek,  the President's pardon they seek.   

TEETH BITE, BUT A WREATH SUCKS

Benny did me a solid, when he loaned me his teeth,

The teeth weren't for me, they were for my Grandfather Keith,

Gramps had a date dinner,

With a rich widow winner,

But, instead of flowers, he gave her a vine, heart shaped wreath.

NEIGHBORLY ADVICE

The neighbor lady told Paul, he looked really creepy,

When he walked the neighborhood alone, before sleepy,

She said, to at least get a small dog,

Visit the local pub for a grog,

And, quit using the neighbor's front lawns to go pee pee.

THE ALPHA MALE HAS AIR CONDITIONING, THE BETA MAN DRINKS COOL TEA

It was the first day of a long, hot summer, and my true love said to me,

"I'm going to live with your cousin David, because his crib has AC",

I made up a story,

I said I was sorry,

I explained I was saving for an ice maker, to cool our lemon tea.

TUNA BREATH LIVES ALONE

When my buddy has been eating tuna, he has a tell,

His breath has a nasty, pungent type of exhaust, to smell,

My buddy's breath makes eyes squint,

But, he won't intake a mint,

His roomies kicked him out, and at my place, he will not dwell.

TOLERATING CHILDREN IN 2025

Deep in the basement, is where all my kids, should forever be,

Playing video games, or watching reality tv,

I'd feed them crackers and cheese,

And, apple juice and canned peas,

If they want an education, they could have ChatGPT.

DATING RITUALS, AND UNREQUITED LOVE

Poor old, teenager, Sad Zack, laid crying on his back,

Crying over attractiveness, Zackery, did lack,

When he talked to girls,

He often had the hurls,

Sometimes Zack would pick his nose, and offer up a snack.

I NEED A BABE WHO GETS MOSTLY D'S

School just got out, and I mostly got C's,

My pretty baby, got almost all B's,

Because I'm not as smart,

We' growing far, far apart,

I'm looking for a new babe, who does D's.

COLD DADDY AND THE BEAR

A bear wandered up my driveway, and ate a couple of my kids,

My wife, she got extremely hysterical, I just thought, "good rids",

They were both over 35,

Took my money, to stay alive,

I suppose, I will have to sell their stuff; I'll ask around for bids.

I'M A SUGAR DADDY, WHO IS ABOUT TO GET CANNED

I am swimming in many millions of can empties, from pop that was caned,

I can't take back any of my empty cans, because the brands are store banned,

I need some quick, fast money,

To make happy, my honey,

If I'm honey dumped, I'll be the most unhappy boy, in all of can land.

FAMILY IN THE MORNING

Little Timmy road his bike, to his new primary school,

Big brother Jerry, stayed home for the day, to play some pool,

Cousin Sammy ironed underwear,

So he'd  be warmed, for cold a.m. air,

 Grandpa Don, needed a nose hair trim, and searched for his tool.

OUR DATE: ONLY TWO

I made some special, chicken fondue,

I only had enough, just for two,

But, you wanted more,

So, I tripped to the store,

When I got back, you had left, boohoo.  

JIMMY AND THE BARTENDER BEAR

Jimmy moved all the way to Mars, but he did not like it there,

Until he met a nice, large friend, called the Margarita Bear,

The Bear worked at the Far Mars Bar,

His bartending made him a star,

The Bear was cuddle fury, while Jimmy only had nose hair.