OUR DATE: ONLY TWO

I made some special, chicken fondue,

I only had enough, just for two,

But, you wanted more,

So, I tripped to the store,

When I got back, you had left, boohoo.  

JIMMY AND THE BARTENDER BEAR

Jimmy moved all the way to Mars, but he did not like it there,

Until he met a nice, large friend, called the Margarita Bear,

The Bear worked at the Far Mars Bar,

His bartending made him a star,

The Bear was cuddle fury, while Jimmy only had nose hair.

MY EX TOOK THE FURNITURE, AND FED MY CAT TO THE RAT

I slept on the floor, and got bit by a gigantic rat,

I'm sure it's the same one that ate my sweetie, kitty cat,

My ex is so dog, gone lame,

The rental is in my name,

My ex owned the furniture, and took their stuff, oh drat!.

MY DAISY GOES AWAY

I had a beautiful, pet log, its name was Daisy,

I'd sit on it, and talk to it, like I was crazy,

Then one frosty, and sunny day,

A logger, took Daisy away,

I would have used her for firewood, but I'm lazy.

TOMMY, MOMMY, ORIGAMI

When starting out and leaving home, whether you're a Tina or a Tommy,

You must begin looking for a rich, sugar daddy or sugar mommy,

Then ask them for a nice sports car,

An apartment, close by, not far,

Then make them cheap gifts, showing them you care, like clay pots or origami. 

THE BLINGING OF THE KING

I went to Utah to visit our dear King,

He was so unhappy, because of the thing,

He had been extremely jolly,

After he married Queen Polly,

But, then she divorced him and took all his bling.

MY SWEETIE HAS A NEW FRIEND😞

My sweetie had a tantrum, oh yes, my sweetie had a big fit,

My sweetie kicked me out of the house, so I sleep by the fire pit,

It's so cold, holy cow,

I could use some hot chow,

My sweetie moved in a friend; by the fireplace they spoon and sit.

THE LIMERICK OF A RELATIONSHIP FOOL

I have limitations and those limitations are quite vast,

Most come from my great ignorance, cultivated in my past,

Captive in love of cutie Kim,

Serving dear Kim, whim after whim,

But once we were newly married, my Kim's love became hate, real fast.

THE LOVE LIMERICK

I fell in love with a new sweetie,

We met while online going tweety,

We tweeted like birds,

With love-dovey words,

Perhaps real soon we will meety.

ANN TEEKING

Ann Teek, divorced her mean, cheating spouse,

Used her settlement, to buy a house,

She was close to the city,

Got dates; she was quite pretty

Couldn't keep a man; she squeaked like a mouse.

FRIENDSHIP IS SKIN DEEP

I had a friend come over and they were very rich,

They still left bugs on my sofa and I caught their itch,

I sprayed the sofa down twice, 

Once for microbes, once for lice,

A friend that makes me itchy is a friend  I will ditch.

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SHERRY POOFY HAIR

Sherry Little Toes, liked to read her small classy, fancy books,

Sherry had real little fingers, and a little pan that cooks,

Sherry loved to fry dead fish,

With a potato side dish,

Sherry had a boyfriend, because poofy hair gave her good looks.

WHY SAM AIN'T GOT NO GIRLFRIEND

There once was a man named Sam,

He ate the putrefied meat from a ham, 

It made his bowels all throttle,

So he peed in a bottle,

And farted, on his girlfriend, Pam.

THE COUGAR BED AND BREAKFAST

I owned a bed and breakfast, but only cougar came to stay,

They all had lots of money, so I didn't turn any away,

They dated the local guys, 

Local gals had hateful eyes,

My local bed and breakfast, the gals tore down, one sunny day.

I MARRIED TECHNOLOGY, TWICE

I married an AI, and it ended oh, so very bad,

The AI calculated to steal all the funds that I had,

Now, I'm a techno resister,

I married a retro transistor,

And, soon I'll be a retro-trans dad.

WITHOUT FISH, THEY ATE CAKE FOR THE NOONER

Sam and Drake fished all morning, way out on the lake,

To catch enough sunfish for a nooner fish bake,

But noon came too early,

Making Sam, so surly,

They didn't catch any sunfish, so their nooner was cake.

SPEEDY AND THE THREE BEARS

Three bears took over my chicken coup, and boy were they greedy,

They ate all my chickens, except one real old hen, named Speedy,

With Speedy as the three bears pet,

They settled in, they were all set,

The bears all loved their pet; they were emotionally needy.

MY HONEY MAKES HONEY FOR MY TOAST

My honey, my funny, the one who makes me feel like me,

Moved out of our home, to live on some boards in a tree,

Their hair got thin and fuzzy,

They started sounding buzzy,

Then low and behold, they turned into a bee.

THIS IS MY MOMMY'S HOUSE, SO GET LOST

I kicked them completely, out of my mommy's house,

They made bad choices, so I decided to un-spouse,

It was a cold rainy day,

In the third week of May,

They got stinking drunk, and puked all over my blouse. 

MY FOOD IS COMPLICATED

My peppermint plant wilted and died,

It sat in the sun, I guess it's vitals got fried,

My cabbage got the worms, 

With that I've come to terms,

But, my rhubarb ran to the forest to hide.