WHO BROUGHT THE GUILLOTINE TO THE PARTY

Where did my peasants get the guillotine? That answer, I really want to know,

I ordered them all destroyed, after I used them to deal with my worker foe,

The peasants will soon chop off my royal head,

Clean the brains out, and fill the inside with lead,

Then they will fire it out of a cannon; that thought fills me with dread and woe.

NEIGHBORS DO THE DARNDEST THINGS: A RURAL MICHIGAN STORY

Seymour's neighbors knew Seymour had gold in several fillings,

And, the neighbors knew each gold tooth was worth several shillings,

When Seymour was asleep in his bed,

The neighbors cut off poor Seymour's head,

That was the beginning of the serial fillings killings.

BAD GIRLFRIEND

My old girlfriend was a heavy smoker, and she smoked almost all the time,

I asked her to cut back a bit, she said, "piss off, smoking is not a real crime",

My asthma got worse, day by day,

A fool was I, some friends would say,

When I died, my girlfriend kept smoking; inherited my house with paid up Prime.

MY FAIRY FAYE TALE

I went down to Alabama, to meet my Fairy Faye,

She was so dog gone pretty that I married her in May

She had a dog named Quincy Cones, his thoughts were rather dark,

He would much rather bite you first, before he'd bark, bark, bark, bark,bark,

Fairy Faye had a mommy, her daddy was long dead,

But, he would often haunt her, that's why she wet to bed,

Dead daddy played the fiddle, in life that was his thing,

In death he plays the fiddle, while demons dance and sometimes sing,

Fairy Faye and I grew old,

We had no babies, no kids hold,

Fairy Faye died, and I buried her bones,

Beside her ma, and pa and Quincy Cones.

OYSTERS OR CLAMS, LIONS OR RAMS

Randy went to a restaurant, but did not know if he liked oysters or clams,

Randy ordered both, ate half of each, then bagged the rest to take to best bud, Sam's,

Randy had been very confused that day,

His rabbit and gerbil had run away,

Randy could not pick which football team to bet on; choice was Lions or the Rams.

THE BAD HUBBY BLUES

My wife said I was a bad hubby, and she gave me the boot,

My wife said, it was my drinking, that was the problem, the root

She took the keys to the car,

I had to walk to the bar,

Where I consumed so many sweet bitters, I didn't give a hoot.

QUANTUM TUNNELING SAVED MY MARRIAGE

I've been quantum tunneling all of my married life,

It has made for an ideal marriage with my dear, wife,

When the wife enters a room,

Through the wall I quickly zoom,

No contact is the best way to eliminate strife.

FRAMEMOGGED BY ATTILA THE GORILLA

I went to the local zoo and got framemogged, by a gorilla,

The gorilla had an aggressive name; his name was Attila,

His muscular frame was big, wide,

That made me want to run and hide,

Last time I felt so small, was when I lived with grandma Priscilla.

I FEEL SAD, FOR ALMOST EVERY BAD THING I'VE DONE

I never walk out into the bright light of the great sun,

I feel the light will expose all the awful things I've done,

I once stole a cookie from mom's jar,

Soaped the windows on dad's car,

I short sheeted big brother's bed, though that was kinda fun.

TIME TRAVEL: SCIENCE VS. MEDITATION

I tried to tunnel my brainy consciousness to change my personal past,

I wanted to be stinky rich, and have a marriage that for years, would last,

I took a hard, quantum physics class,

I don't understand maths; I didn't pass,

I've found that if I drink beer and meditate, I can change my life, chug fast.

BLESSED IS THE PEACEMAKER, WHO TONES DOWN GRANDMA'S WRATH

Aunt Matilda took a shower, and Uncle Benny took a bath,

They slopped water all over, drenched the floor, which caused vexed grandma's wrath,

Grandma chewed on them all day,

She refused to hear their say,

Grandma might have yelled through the night, but for our peacemaker, Aunt Cath.

MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME BECAUSE...

My girlfriend just got home from the hospital, and boy was she mad,

She said I should have stayed with her, when she was so puking sick and sad,

I said," sweet honey, what could I do? 

I didn't want to catch your nasty flu,

She kicked me out of her house that night; I guess we're through, who cares, my bad.

1826

THE ROBOT IS THE WINNER

I got in a street fight with a modern robot, and I did not do so well,

He was an expert at kickboxing, his foot in my face was how I could tell,

He was well built and strong,

The fight didn't last too long,

He did carry me to the hospital; we became close friends; his name is Mel.

WE SMELL LIKE WHAT WE EAT

I took my blind date out to an expensive restaurant, to eat,

After we each sat down, I noticed she had very stinky feet,

Please, no food for me,

I just ordered tea,

She ordered an all you can eat platter of pigs feet, spicy meat.

ALICE NEVER LIVED HERE BEFORE; SHE TENT-MATES WITH MY EX IN TEXAS

My ex-girlfriend moved back to Texas, to a big city called Dallas,

She worked making greasy fries, at a grub bar called, Beer And Slop, By Alice,

Alice was a big, strapping boss,

Mouthy guests, through the door, she'd toss,

My ex rented a tent with her boss, that from pictures, looked like a palace.

I ALWAYS FALL FOR CHEATERS

My girlfriend, big dumped me, before the old year was through,

She said I couldn't cut it, in the coming year, that was new,

Her dating did not stall,

For months she'd dated Paul,

I didn't suspect her cheating; my love for her grew and grew.😭

BAD NEIGHBORS

I was so mad; I put on my winter boots to walk into a war,

The evil, next door neighbors, blew out their driveway, and filled mine in more,

The neighbors ran away,

In their house, they would stay,

I blew out my driveway, and into their driveway, I let the snow pour.

MY CAT: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SMELLS

My big, lurking, gray cat has many wicked, wicked ways,

My cat, Sheila, eats the rats that make my home, their maze,

When I enjoy my night cap,

She will blow farts on my lap,

When I eat tuna melt, she glares, with a murderous gaze.

WALKING WHILE TALKING ABOUT OLD FRIENDS, AND A CHEW

I left the sleepy, little village, because I thought I'd take a walk,

Villagers think that I am really weird, because to myself, I talk,

I discuss the friends of my past,

Their little lives that did not last,

I like to hike past the cornfields, so I can chew kernels off a stalk,

EEK AND ZEEK, PEEK AND SEEK

I have two uncles, they are twins, named Zeek and Eek,

When they saw pretty girls, they would sneak a peek,

The girls thought the peek was a stare,

So did local Constable Robare,

Now, Zeek and Eek,  the President's pardon they seek.