FRIENDSHIP IS SKIN DEEP

I had a friend come over and they were very rich,

They still left bugs on my sofa and I caught their itch,

I sprayed the sofa down twice, 

Once for microbes, once for lice,

A friend that makes me itchy is a friend  I will ditch.

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SHERRY POOFY HAIR

Sherry Little Toes, liked to read her small classy, fancy books,

Sherry had real little fingers, and a little pan that cooks,

Sherry loved to fry dead fish,

With a potato side dish,

Sherry had a boyfriend, because poofy hair gave her good looks.

WHY SAM AIN'T GOT NO GIRLFRIEND

There once was a man named Sam,

He ate the putrefied meat from a ham, 

It made his bowels all throttle,

So he peed in a bottle,

And farted, on his girlfriend, Pam.

THE COUGAR BED AND BREAKFAST

I owned a bed and breakfast, but only cougar came to stay,

They all had lots of money, so I didn't turn any away,

They dated the local guys, 

Local gals had hateful eyes,

My local bed and breakfast, the gals tore down, one sunny day.

I MARRIED TECHNOLOGY, TWICE

I married an AI, and it ended oh, so very bad,

The AI calculated to steal all the funds that I had,

Now, I'm a techno resister,

I married a retro transistor,

And, soon I'll be a retro-trans dad.

WITHOUT FISH, THEY ATE CAKE FOR THE NOONER

Sam and Drake fished all morning, way out on the lake,

To catch enough sunfish for a nooner fish bake,

But noon came too early,

Making Sam, so surly,

They didn't catch any sunfish, so their nooner was cake.

SPEEDY AND THE THREE BEARS

Three bears took over my chicken coup, and boy were they greedy,

They ate all my chickens, except one real old hen, named Speedy,

With Speedy as the three bears pet,

They settled in, they were all set,

The bears all loved their pet; they were emotionally needy.

MY HONEY MAKES HONEY FOR MY TOAST

My honey, my funny, the one who makes me feel like me,

Moved out of our home, to live on some boards in a tree,

Their hair got thin and fuzzy,

They started sounding buzzy,

Then low and behold, they turned into a bee.

THIS IS MY MOMMY'S HOUSE, SO GET LOST

I kicked them completely, out of my mommy's house,

They made bad choices, so I decided to un-spouse,

It was a cold rainy day,

In the third week of May,

They got stinking drunk, and puked all over my blouse. 

MY FOOD IS COMPLICATED

My peppermint plant wilted and died,

It sat in the sun, I guess it's vitals got fried,

My cabbage got the worms, 

With that I've come to terms,

But, my rhubarb ran to the forest to hide.

THE BALLAD OF RICHIE AVOID

With Richie, I am quite annoyed,

For where I locate, he will avoid,

He has someone brand new,

So I'm sad, boohoo blue,

When crossing paths, he treats me like a roid.

MY BREATH SMELLS LIKE MINTY MUNG BEANS

Canadian smoke fills my mouth and lungs,

It's tastes unpleasant, when trading tongues,

Each Canadian smoke shower,

Makes Honey taste bitter-sour,

I try to improve my breath, by chewing mint and mungs.

I SLEEP ALONE, BUT ED IS BY MY BED

I had a little bitty skunk, his name was Uncle Ed,

He stunk up the house, the barn, and even my red sled.

My mate complained about the smell,

On day, left without the normal yell,

Now Uncle Ed sleeps inside, at the foot of my big bed.

THE PROMISES, PROMISES LIMERICK

"Promises, promises" my fiance would say,
She said that to  me almost every day,
Then, she became most annoyed,
When I chose to avoid,
Making promises I wouldn't keep anyway.

CHILI PIES LED TO BYES

I filled my pies with my special chili,

To share with my sig other namely, Willie,

But he didn't like my pies,

Which brought tears in my eyes,

Now I'm alone, with chili pies, calling Billie.

FUZZY, WAS HE, HE'S GONE

There was a fuzzy guy named Randy, 

He left fuzz all over the Candy,

Then Candy got mad,

And made Randy sad,

 With a new beau who showered named, Andy.

GOLD STAR DIRT, EXCEPT FOR BURT

They say we're all made of gold star dirt,

Maybe that's true, except for my cousin, Burt,

For what within he has got,

Mostly resembles green snot,

And Burt's ex says Bert is a pervert.

THAT RUBBER BAND SMELL

Stevie did not understand,

Why I smelled like a rubber band,

He was so disgusted one night,

He left me with air flight,

To places sunny, where he could get tanned.

Top Down, Bottoms Up And, It's Over

Kyler and Roxy were happy soul mates,

They found it out at work, on dates,

A decaying love is a loss,

Covered quickly with green moss,

Red hot tempers would seal their fates.

THE AFTER WORLD

When you have been out in the world and, been covered with snot,

Then, all that you want is a place to sit down and rot,

So, you move out to the woods

With cases of canned and dry goods,

And, try to get by growing pot.