SCUZZ NEEDS A JOB TWO

Sharp as a pencil that I was,

I'm a real hard worker with all I does,

But, I ain't been hired so what's the buzz?

I got no good grammar so, they calls me Scuzz,

Now, I can't read no good and barely write,

But, if we goes to the bar I can fight, 

I ain't got no teeth but, my jaw bone bite,

And, what a grip and I holds on tight,

Of course, I just really need a job,

'fore turns my muscles to belly blob,

I knowed now I should a stayed in school,

Alas, without much learning the world is cruel.

 

THE SQUIRE

When my noble knight's life came to expire,💀

I took his place by my rights as his squire,👑

I beheaded fire breathed dragons with my sword,🗡🐉

Received golden coins for my reward,💰

And, old sods sang me praise in drunken choir.  🎶🎶🎶🍺🍺🍺

IT LURKS BEHIND THE CORN

The monster lurking out behind the fielded corn,

We believe from the earth, it was a pumpkin born,

But an evil, magic spell,

Cast by a rouge witch, named Dell,

Carved the Jack-O-Lantern, that hunts before the morn.

WHAT STICKS IT ALL TOGETHER

My latest four cheese homemade pizza, lies in the garbage bin,

Everyone said it was a vile thing, that wreaks of sin,

I made the pizza from stew,

Of course, I had to use glue,

At least it held together, so I give my effort a win.

ORLANDO BASEBALL

Orlando loved playing the outdoor sport of baseball,

He could make the bases, because he was lean and tall,

He shocked all the umpires faces,

When he made 1st base in 2 paces,

Some said Orlando playing, was not fair at all.

MY PSYCHIC GAVE ME A PREDICTION

My psychic told me not to eat out tonight,
She said if I did I’d go blind; lose my sight,
So, I made dinner at my house,
Ate some tainted pheasant and grouse,
I had my stomach pumped and I’m still not alright.

BARN OWL BEAU AND THE BANSHE

In Freeland, there once was a barn owl, named Beau,

In the hen house, Beau saw a banshee named Coe,

Coe had an egg thieving plot,

But the barn owl, thought not,

So Beau bit off a banshe nose and big toe.

SNEAKY SNAKES AND GERD

Two rattlesnakes snuck up on a bird,

They thought their soft rattles, were not heard,

Then along came a hound pup,

He ate those snakes for his sup,

But got sick from heartburn, caused by gerd.

FREDDY BROKE A LITTLE BONE

Poor Freddy broke his little bone, down in his little knee,

And he could not get it fixed, he couldn't pay the doctor's fee,

Freddy went to bed,

With a headache in his head,

For if his bone didn't get fixed, he'd become an amputee. 

ALICE IS HOME FOR HALLOWEEN

There once was a old wicked witch, named Alice,

She once lived in an old wicked witch palace,

The walls were made from bones,

Painted in dark orange tones,

It was once a coffee bar, down in Dallas.

I'M A DENTAL TECH

I had to find a pair of pliers, because my tooth was throbbing,

I already tried a string, in a technique I call doorknobing,

My tethered tooth did not slightly budge,

But, my doorknob feel apart, oh fudge,

Then there was horrific pain, screaming and great sobbing. 

THE FANCY PET DUDE

I bought a fancy pet dog, and bought him fancy pet food,

I now pretend to be a modern, fancy pet dude,

I chum with fancy pet owner friends,

It's a class of pretends,

Pretending a dog's business isn't crude.

POLLIWOG, TO EAT OR PLAY FETCH WITH? THAT IS THE QUESTION

I walked on down to the pond, and there met Mr. Prince Charming,

He had invested his nest eggs into Polliwog farming,

It was just a terrible deal,

Polliwogs have no pet appeal,

As human food, they might look o.k., but their smells are alarming.

THE E-SCOOTER THAT SCOOTED

My mean e-scooter ran far, far away,

And, left me laying in the road today,

He went so scary fast,

Left me wearing a cast,

I'm gonna sue, he vows he'll never pay.

MEAT, THE IN-LAWS

Henry had a wolverine, he raised it from a small pup,

Now Henry cannot feed the critters 24 hour sup,

So I took the critter off Henry's hands,

Set it free on my northern lands,

I told my in-laws they could camp for free, if they should come up.

LOSING MONEY THE OLD FASHION WAY: INVEST IT

My stock portfolio got down so low,
It had no further down it could go,
I added money hoping my portfolio would grow,
Where the money went my broker didn’t know,

I decided to invest in real estate,
But, when I entered the market it was too late,
Then, the banks all raised their interest rate,
I lost all my investment so, real estate I just hate,

I tried to hedge my money by buying gold,
But, as soon as I bought everyone else sold and sold,
My intentions were good and strategy bold,
Yet, my investment went south and I felt really cold,

I tried safe investing by buying up bonds and t-bills,
But, soon I found my safe portfolio was full of real ills,
My stomach felt like porcupine quills,
Now I’m broke and picking up bottles for my business thrills.

MY EYEBALLS ARE FUZZY, AND MY LIGHTS ARE BEE BUZZY

My light bulbs have some kind of bad disease,

They flicker on and off, an eyeball tease,

When off, it is scary,

When on, I'm just weary,

And, my lights are always buzzing, like bees.

JERKS

Wherever I travel, there are only mean jerks,

From my family at home, to the all store clerks,

I would just stay in bed,

But, I need to get fed,

I guess being real cruel are common human quirks.

THE DELIVERY SNAIL

I decided to buy a new front door,

But, it's too far to the nearest door store,

I bought a door through the mail,

It was delivered by snail,

And boy, was that little snail feeling soar.

FREDDY HAD VISITORS FROM SPACE

A small space shuttle landed in front of Freddy,

The craft landed behind the old crab apple tree,

Two little green creatures,

Who had no facial features,

Picked the apples, then sampled Fred's hair, blood and pee. 

THERE ONCE WAS A POLAR BEAR NAMED LARRY

There was a polar bear named Larry,
He was fat and slow and harry,
He once caught a seal,
But, when it started to squeal,
Larry dropped it because it was scary.

DEALING WITH PARASITES

In order to get them to act nice,

George made a deal with his little lice,

They could live in his beard,

It wouldn't get shaved or sheared,

And, George would bathe each year, only twice.

THE LIGHTNING STRIKE AND MY WHEELS

There was a blasted lightning strike,

It blew apart my motorbike,

I didn't at all care, 

I had one to spare,

It has three wheels, and called a trike.

I'M DONE DECORATING FOR THE SEASON

I found my plastic poinsettia for the winter holiday,

I thought it would be a real colorful display,

I stuck it in my front yard,

With a gargoyle guard,

To scare the Halloween vandals away.

THE YETI AND THE BANNANA

I looked out my train window, and saw a big yeti suit,

I think it was a guy, but it ran when the train went, "TOOT",

It ran into a chicken coup,

Could not see it, oh gosh, darn poop,

Out it came with a beer can, eating a banana fruit.

WHAT I'VE DONE SINCE HIGH SCHOOL

From my burgers grease is dripping,

At the fast food place I'm burger flipping,

It's been my lifelong career,

Due to my counselor steer,

And, the teachers I spent my time ripping.