TOO LOOSE TO TREK

Sammy was a too loose goose; too loose to trek,

Sammy started up a hill and then said, "to heck"

Sammy had to way backtrack,

To the outdoor bathroom shack,

By the time he made it there, Sammy was a nervous wreck.

HEAVY DIRT

I went to buy some potting soil,
But, the bags were heavy and I had to toil,
Then, as the bags bounced in my car,
My car springs went ajar,
Hence, my car's smooth ride is a spoil.

I WENT AND SCUFFED MY TENNIS SHOE

I went and scuffed my tennis shoe,
A long black streak across the white and blue,
I was looking sheik,
My social life is now bleak,
My tennies look old, not new.

A BEE TURNED ME INTO A COUCH POTATO

What an antagonist is the bee,
Especially, the one who left his stinger in me,
My foot felt such a bad ouch,
I've spent two weeks on the couch,
And I'm thinking I might make it three.

DONNY FINGERED WRONG HIS TROMBONE, NOW HE PLAYS ALL ALONE

Donny got so excited yanking his trombone,

That he broke his finger bone,

Now he's so sad,

Because he now plays so bad,

He was fired from the band for his musical tone.

TOAST TOPPINGS

I put some bacon on my toast,
With a banana and hunk of roast,
And a chunk of cheese,
Then ice cream to please,
Topped with cherries, which I love the most.

I DEEMED MY BEER NUTS TO BE FAULTY

I deemed my beer nuts to be faulty,
They were not sweet but were salty,
My nuts in the bag,
Had a misleading tag,
So my snack time I put on halty.

MY NEW APPARTMENT: WATCH THE FIRST STEP

I immediately fell through the floor,😯

As soon as I came through the door,😬

Then, I knew quite well,🤕

I'd found a new place to dwell,😌

For it would certainly be priced for the poor.🤑

OLD WHIPPLE'S DIPPED APPLES

Old Whipple was not in the head, right, 
He dipped apples and left them out overnight,
To no one's surprise,
The apples were covered with flies,
Old Whipple served them as though they came out just right.

A TREE TOAD LIMERICK

A tree toad ate whole apples all day,
He would then spit the seeds far away,
One time he hit a chicken,
He then got a good lick-en,
Now he swallows the seeds to obey.

IT WAS BITTER TWEET

It was a very bitter tweet,

That I received for my deceit,

I told grandma, I had soar feet,

So I couldn't stop by, for sup to eat,

My rat sister exposed, I went clubbing for meat.

A VERY CHEEKY ZOMBIE

A Zombie attacked me from the rear,

I turned to stick a screwdriver into it's ear,

But, that dead-eyed sneak freak,

Bit off my right cheek,
I'll soon be a zombie, I fear.

PEOPLE HAVE FLAVOR HAIKU

People have flavor,
People taste just like chicken,
A real treat for bears.

I stare, big pig stares,
I see pork, pig sees chicken,
Diner or dinner?

I WENT TO SHOOT TARGETS

I went to shoot targets with my new recurve bow,
I let loose the arrow and boy did it go,
But there were no accolades from charm,
For I hit my dad in the arm,
He stood  too close to the big plastic doe.

THE INTERVENTION MADE ME A LOSER

My cow loves her alcohol, but her milk is full of booze,

And every time I drink her milk, I have to take a snooze,

With the pig, goat, rooster and horse,

The cow got an intervention, of course,

Now depressed, she won't give milk, and the vitamin D I lose.

ALIEN UBER DRIVER HOPS

Genuine product of planet 2-Sop,

Alien to Earth but, makes circles with crop,

Yelling in language that make human ears pop,

Pretending to drink beer like an all local sop,

Residing downtown at a cheap rundown flop,

Insisting to all that it be a time cop,

Daytime making coin driving Uber, non-stop,

Eventually, walking like humans, not like rabbits that hop.

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

WHY DO I WORK FOR LITTLE PAY AND "GO, GO, GO!"

"Why are the stakes so high when the pay is so very low?"

That's exactly what I stated when I was told to, "go, go, go!"

My boss said my frustration,

Added to his exhilaration,

And, also caused his big bonus to "grow, grow, grow!"

HOW I CURED ZOMBIE BREATH

With the zombies I grew real tight,

They even taught me how to bite,

Soon, I was their boss,

I made them use toothpaste and floss,

Now, zombie breath is a victim's delight.

THE PLIGHT OF URINAL WHITE

I painted the bathroom wall,

When I got to the urinal stall,

Because of the family's poor eyesight,

I didn't match the paint with urinal white,

Fearing in a week it wouldn't look good at all.

BARRY THE COMIC WITH BRONCHITIS LIMERICK

Barry was a comic with bronchitis so bad,
His hacking though his monologue made everyone sad,
His jokes would have been very funny,
But distracted by his hacks and nose so runny,
When the monologue was over we were glad.

SUE'S MUTINY AT SEA LIMERICK

There once was a sailor named Sue,
She planed  a mutiny at just half past two,
When the officers surrendered,
She had them dismembered,
And fed the arms and legs to the crew.

THE MIXED METAPHOR SCORE

I love to mix the metaphor,

Like shooting ducks in barrels in a row,

It makes the over educated roar,

But speaks to the minions who already know.

PSYCHOSIS AND POST-NASAL DRIP IN HAMSTERS

Harlan the hamster had post-nasal drip,
It embarrassed him so, his mind started to slip,
He thought he was a Procter,
And, a university doctor,
But, the students greeted him with a flip.

THE GALAXY CALLED NORM

As the toilet swirls so, goes the galaxy called Norm,

Often you can see it after an evening thunderstorm,

And, if in that galaxy you wish to be,

It takes four batteries labeled "D",

You'll  also need a flashlight to travel in photon form. 

  

SUMMER HOLIDAY WEATHER FICTION PREDICTION

I spent lot's of money for a cookout outside,
I chose the Forth for showing national pride,
I relied on the weather prediction,
But it turned out to be fiction,
We were cramped in my '24 double-wide.

DECORATION DAY

On this Decoration Day,

I have to eat my curds and whey,

To attend parades without delay,

And traffic laws I can still obey,

So out of jail, today I'll stay.

THE ROOF CAVED IN ON MY TRAILER

It's roof has had a big failure, complete,

So it's no going back to the trailer to eat,

I guess I'll be camping outside,

And will have to swallow my pride,

And spray down my whole body with Deet. 

HOTDOG COOKOUT

My cookout hotdogs are looking quite mean,

They have spots that are brown and growths that are green,

But, the guests for the lunch,

I will pickle with punch,

Then, condiments will hide the crime scene.

The spoiled hotdogs I served have made guests really boom,

I wish I'd installed that second bathroom,

And, because of a close Redi Med,

There's just 8 dizzy, 3 dead,

I think the dizzy ones ate some local mushroom. 

THE FABLE OF THE SLOB WITH NO JOB

My IRS tax bill was amazingly tall,

Even though, my paycheck revenue was extremely small,

So, I quit my old job,

To stay at home, be a slob,

Then the bill collectors started to call.

MORAL:  

While thinking you've out thought the system is cool,

BUT YOU CAN'T!

That's why they call it a "system,"  you fool.    

I CHEESED AND CHEESED

I cheesed and cheesed my lettuce salad mix,

It still tasted bad, so I tried a bacon bits fix,

I got tired of messing,

So I dumped on the dressing,

And reserved it for supper at six.

THE SPICE CHEF

There once was a chef named Gill,

The only spice he used was dill,

But then he tried basil,

Which tickled his nasal,

And paprika even gave him a thrill.

TEN TIMES PLUS THRICE

I'm afraid I feel not nice,

Because my hair has a load of lice,

I bought lice poo; paid big price,

Poo not work; shaved head; ate rice,

I've now had lice ten times plus thrice.

FIRST WEEK OF JUNE LIMERICK

The first week of June has started off with a storm,
And, isn't this the month when it's supposed to get warm?
But, by the feel of the breeze,
Methinks it might freeze,
I can see in the rain the ice crystals form.