APOCALYPSE: THE REQUEST FOR AIR

I am preparing for the apocalypse end,

If you are too, then I have made a brand, new friend,

I have some bottled air,

But, I have none to spare,

If you need some, for another friend you must send.

I AM BADGER EDIBLE

I'm glad that badger did not rip off both of my hands, that way I can still feed my chickens,

Too bad that old badger tore up both of my legs; the right leg, it still hurts like the dickens,

The wolverine is much meaner,

But, he cuts through your bones cleaner,

I stay plump by frying my birds in bacon grease, or that badger would of had slim pickin's

TOILET FLOWERS

My outdoor toilet was all full of flowers,
They grew well after all the rain showers,
They were such a bouquet,
I just let them stay,

My toilet is artwork that towers.

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HOW I CHEAT AT GOLF LIMERICK

I had a quiet little dog that I called Hoagie,
He helped me cheat at golf, so I’d get a bogey,
With stealth he moved the ball,
Before the best eyes could call,
For a reward I’d buy me a stogy.

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DO NOT LEAVE PLASTIC CUP ON TOP OF WOODSTOVE HAIKU

Wood-stove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, wood-stove top, melt,
Fire, smoke, fumes, sick..

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AI TOOK AWAY EVERYTHING, THEN I LOST MY MIND

I was singing in the living room, and felt like a rising concert star,

But, my home is being foreclosed on, and the mean bank repossessed my car,

I was replaced by AI at the junkyard,

Seems the boss put his faith in a robot guard,

I was sad, but went nuts and started concert singing; minds are so bizarre.

WOODSTOVE MELTED PLASTIC FAN, AND MY SHACK BURNED.

My fan got hot and caught on fire,

It was atop my woodstove, which caused the dire,

My melted, plastic fan,

Made great flames and I ran,

My shack was nearly all paid off, now I can't retire.

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THE HAPPY MEAN MEMER

I am not a real blogger, I just play one on the internets,

I use to do many blogs, from picture painting to grooming pets,

I use to make some doe,

But, the rules changed, oh woe,

Now, I leave mean memes on other channels, that makes my happy grow.

 

THE BAT AND THE TOY PIANO MAKE BLING

There is a little bat that likes to loudly sing,

After eating some bugs, he will do his sing thing,

He will belt out in soprano,

While I play on my toy piano,

Since we've been on YouTube, we've been showered with bling.

BAD NEIGHBORS GOT TO EAT

All my neighbors are cannibals, and I don't like how they're looking at me,

I try to look unattractive; I don't bathe, so I smell very stinky,

Some neighbors drool over pretty feet,

Others, eyeballs they see as a treat,

When grandpa came visiting, a neighbor bit gramps on his extra wide seat.

GRANDMA'S SICK CHRISTMAS BATHROOM HUMOR

Each year to grandma's we all converge,

To set upon our annual family purge,

For eating turkey not done,

Is our little family fun,

Except, add some more bathrooms, we urge.

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SENIOR TEETER TOTTER PROFITS

I purchased some adult teetertotters, to rent out to seniors who want thrills,

They can bounce each other fast up and crash down, without stirring up their health ills,

I watch old seniors play,

Every single day,

Once in a while, a senior dies or gets hurt, but the rents pay all of my bills.

QUIGLEY'S FAMILY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE

Quigley's family came from outer space,
They lacked human components like feet and face,
But, the world was fooled,
For the kids were home schooled,
While, the Quigleys dined on the human race.

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THE BAND CALLED PARENT TORMENT

Penny played the clarinet,
Phyllis beat the drum,
Patty tooted her french horn,
Mom and dad drank coke and rum. 

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VENISON IN SPACE: AN ACCIDENT AT LIGHT SPEED

I flew my flying saucer up into space, leaving the earth far down below,

I had a head on collision, at the speed of light with Santa's sleigh, Oh No!

All of Santa's reindeer got really hurt,

I killed the friendly fat one, they called Bert,

When Santa said he was going to sue me, I told Santa where he could go.

LEGEND OF THE BOOGER BOGGY BEAR

In Michigan's woods, there's a creature that will eat you, before you scare,

This creature was named by early settlers, as the Booger Boggy Bear, 

Many hikers hike while humming,

Not seeing the brute is coming,

The bear seems drawn to humming, his dropped boogers is the sign he was there.

I AM A QUANTUM FIELD WITH NO JOB

According to the internets, I am made up of a quantum field array,

Well, my quantum field got real sick of my old boss, so it quit my job, today,

It will be at home, watching YouTube, with no job,

It will binge eat, and drink, like a fat, quantum slob,

I hope my quantum field finds a way, to lie itself into a job with pay.

BERT AND THE FALLEN ANGELS CHOIR

I saw some falling angels, and they looked like they got real hurt,

They fell from way up high, and hit the rocks, gravel and dirt,

I do not know what the angels did so wrong,

Maybe they sang wrong notes in an angel song,

I went out and met their leader; he said his name was Bert.

I MUST GO, BECAUSE AI SAYS IT'S SO

My intellectual world has all gone awry,

I cannot use my degrees to trade for some hot pie,

When young, I should have learned a trade

Not tech skills, I'd have to upgrade,

I don't have work or food; been replaced by an AI.

MARTIAN DENTISTRY PULLS TEETH

Per the fine print in my corporate, medical, dental , PPO plan,

My PPO plan covers dental, only done by a Martian, named Stan,

Now, Martians have no teeth at all,

Stan pulled mine out, that made me bawl,

But, at least my company has instituted a total smiling ban.

MY QUANTUM FIELD GETS MARRIED

I asked someone to marry me, so we could mix our quantum fields,

If we mix ourselves, our quantum fields, who knows what our mixing yields?

Maybe children who birdie fly?

Maybe they'll have strength, like Popeye?

Maybe they will be bulletproof, and they can act as human shields.

IT'S NOT DANDRUFF IF IT'S MOVING

It's not dandruff if it is moving,

If back and forth the spots are grooving,

Best call for some pest extermination,

Or, your scalp will house a new generation,

While, poison resistance keeps improving.

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THE MEME OF FEAR

I lived during the great, strange time of the memes,

Some were silly and funny, others caused screams,

But, I am not going there,

I fear the meme of the bear,

With his knife like claws, cutting open my seams. 

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I DELIGHT WHEN MY FRIENDS FIGHT, OVER WATER

I like to find the hottest peppers online, to eat,

I share them with friends; their reactions, my selfish treat,

As their aching mouths grow forever hotter,

So too, their desperation for water,

I set out one small bottle, and watch them kick and beat.