SANTA IS CANADIAN

I went to Canada to see Santa this year,

He was in Sault Ste. Marie, training reindeer,

I asked him for a pony,

And, four cheese macaroni,

And, a gallon of extra rooty root beer. 

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GOURD SEASON IS UPON US

 I went out to my fall squash garden, and picked my precious gourds,

The bad ones will fatten my pigs, the good ones, I'll dry and hoards,

When they are dried hard and clean,

I'll sell them at Halloween,

Last year at the Fall Festival, I won the most gourd awards.

THREE PINES AND ONE BAT CAMPGROUND

I went camping at a campground called, Three Pines and One Bat,

I saw the three dead pines, but worried, where was the bat at,

Then, ouch what the darn, heck?

 The bat vented my neck,

Out poured my blood, the dead pines turned green, I died where I sat.

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MARCHING BAND TIME

The hometown band was marching extremely, way crazy fast,

Their scheduled halftime show, would surly, not properly last,

The drum major slowed them all down,

Twirling his baton up and down,

That performance, everyone was glad, was in the past.

BLOWDART SEASON FOR DINOSAURS

I went hunting real dinosaurs, but I did not see a one,

You can only hunt them using a dinosaur, blowdart gun,

You have to hit them in the heart,

With a fresh poisoned, blowdart

If your dart misses the heart, then you had better start to run.

IT'S DOOR DOWN COLD

The door fell off my small apartment, and the cold air from the hall flooded in,

I put plastic over the doorway; it's the closest I can come to a win,

The best that I can do,

Still, freezing cold, boo hoo,

My apartment is much colder, than my refrigerators fresh, produce bin.

ME AND MY TWIN AND THE BOAT

Although our summer boat was small, and made with tin,

It was the fishing vessel of myself, and twin,

We'd row on the lake,

To hook a fish steak,

Mostly, we got a severe sunburn on our skin.

I'M CSP: COLD, SICK AND POOR

My stock portfolio, it went away,

My old polio, got much worse today,

I'm so cold and defeated,

Can't afford to get heated,

More cruel times will follow, until May.

I GIVE SNOWMEN THE BOOT SALUTE

When winter snows start their blowing,

My bad attitude starts showing,

I hate snowmen,

I kick them in,

Spring grass, I'd rather be mowing.

Depression, Starvation, No Heat: It Must Be Christmas Again

I got sacked before Christmas, and will receive no more pay,

I won't get my Christmas bonus, it's not coming my way,

My kids will get no new toys,

No food for girls and boys,

And, off goes the heat and the lights, now it's a dismal day.

DEER ONLY THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES

I went into the woods hunting, and I found me a deer,

It was the end of November, and cold weather was here,

I fired my big gun,

The deer took a quick run,

I guess I must of missed him, that selfish, fur bag of fear.

CANDY CANE BELLY JUICE, AND PORCELAIN

Jimmy found a porcelain toilet, he could use on Christmas Eve,

Jimmy liked eating candy canes, but the canes would make him heave,

On this holiday,

Jimmy stayed with Aunt May,

Aunt May cooked our nice meal, so belly sick Jimmy, could not leave.

BEARDED IRIS IN THE SNOW

I spied a bearded iris in a sea of white snow,

I couldn't imagine what made that lovely iris grow,

The cold made me sneeze, hack and cough,

It should have killed the iris off,

Then a fawn stoped and ate it, watched over by a doe.

THE SNAKE IN THE POOL LIMERICK

A snake fell into my swimming pool,

I guess he wanted to feel real cool,

He chased us all away,

On a hot summer day,

Now "no snakes in the pool" is the rule.

THE HUNTERS WENT HOME

When the hunters at deer camp went out chasing the deer,

The deer doubled back to deer camp, and drank all the beer,

When the hunters finished their roam,

They packed up and went home,

Saying, "No deer, no beer, I'm not here."

DEER CAMP AND TOWNIES

At deer camp, we eat our spaghetti and chili dinners,

Then off to the local bar, and we party like sinners,

First we eat Bob's good brownies,

For strength to brawl with townies,

We never get any deer, but in our minds we're big winners.

THE LITTLE GREEN WARLOCK HUNTED THE BEAST

A little green warlock knocked on my front door,

He said he was part of the green warlock lore,

He said he was hunting a beast,

For the a Halloween feast,

He told me to drive him to the butcher store.

BENNY AND THE SALMON RUN

Benny was waiting, with his bow, arrows and quiver,

As the mighty king salmon, went running up river,

Benny took an easy shot,

At a big salmon, half-rot,

Shooting dead fish, made meals easier to deliver.

GO GET 'EM DARYL

Daryl rubbed alcohol into a raw cut, and boy, did Daryl scream,

The only way to calm him down, was a dish of chocolate ice cream,

Daryl was a simple lad,

Didn't understand, good or bad,

But, coach said Daryl was a great asset, to the JV football team.

NIGHTMARE FAIR

Vic rode on the merry go round at the big county fair,

Vic rode on a huge chicken, a horse, a duck and a bear,

The critters Vic did not fear,

Even when riding high gear,

But, the operator's stare, gave Vic a bed-wetting scare.