BAY MISERY HOSPITAL: Providing The Same Quality Of Healthcare In Michigan Since 1632

I went to the ER, and boy is that hospital cheap and creepy,

You pee in an empty Crisco can, and there's no place to go sleepy,

You stand all night in a hall,

Listening to grandmas bawl,

Sick bodies faint to the floor, and the dead pile up in a heapee.

THE EARTH IS FULL OF POISONOUS SNAKES, BUT IN HEAVEN THERE ARE NO TOADS

I dug a pit to catch a pet toad eating, giant rattlesnake,

I had no bait for the pit, so I fresh baked a spongy cupcake,

In the cupcake center I placed a small toad,

I figured the snake would smell the toad abode,

The snake slithered up from behind me. Toads are in heaven? That's fake.

THE EMPTY PAPER CHASE

I just got the highest, bestest grade, I've ever gotten on a paper at my high school,

It was a very solid "C", I figured my geezer teacher gave me a "C" for "cool",

Except for my name, I left the entire page blank,

I figured my grade always ended up in the tank,

But teacher wrote, "better a page be blank, than trying to decipher ramblings of a fool". 

GOOD TIMES IN THE LATE 20TH CENTURY

I am going to weed in the garden, I am going to weed there all the day long,

Once I am done weeding in the garden, I will challenge my wife to a game of Pong,

My wife does not know the trick to making a score,

I win every time, her self-esteem is poor,

My brother just got a new video game, it's about some monkey, named Donkey Kong.

A DEMON WITH A BAGGY TOOK MY SPOUSE, NAMED MAGGIE

I have to stay quiet, as quiet as a down, low mouse,

There are big demon monsters sitting outside of my house,

There's a parallel world, some say,

Where the people chose, another way,

This morning, demons black bagged away, my protester spouse.

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SISTER SANDY: THE OUTDOORS AND CINNAMON BUNS

Sandy is my sister, she lives out on the lakes,

She keeps her home nice and tidy, and cinnamon buns she bakes,

Sandy hunts buck deer, and big bears,

Panthers poop, when at them, she stares,

Happy Birthday Sandy, enjoy the ice creams, and the cakes.

MYTHICAL HORNED BEASTS DEFEAT BIGLY BEAR

There was a bear in my farm field, chewing on my eared corns,

I sicked on him my dangerous, half feral unicorns,

The bear yawned, and took a great, bigly, bear poop,

He thought he'd be eating unicorn gut soup,

The bear did not reckon on the poison in the uni horns.

GUMMY BEARS: CANDY WITH A KICK

Sometimes I desire a yummy gummy bear, and sometimes I do not,

The reason I might desire a gummy bear, most times I have forgot,

When my brain is thick with aching despair,

I yank out a fruit flavored gummy bear,

I chew it up, swallow it down; life's a circus, and I'm a clown.

I GOT MY STOMACH PUMPED AGAIN, THANKS TO GRANDMA'S RANCID CHEESE RECIPE

I boiled some water to cook some old, rancid, stale cheese,

It is my favorite recipe, from my Grandma, Louise,

When the water gets hotter,

The cheese goes in the water,

When melted, drain the water, and give your hot cheese a squeeze.

To young kids out there.  Please do not cook on a stove without adult supervision, or you'll get severely injured, like me.  Also:  Never Eat Rancid Cheese.

LIFE OR DEATH IN THE MEAT SHOP

I went home from the meat store, but forgot to cull the outdated,

The next day, many customers found their bellies were ill fated,

It took a hospital machine,

To pump their guts completely clean,

I was fired the next day, and found out I was widely hated.

BODY PARTS HAVE FEELINGS TOO

My feet and I have a conversation, each night,

You see, we are old bestest friends, and really tight,

My feet ask me for powder and jells,

I say "fine, if you wash off your smells",

My feet are clean compliant, so I do them up right.

SOCIAL MEDIA AI TECHIES DO THEIR BEST WORK ON THE TOILET

There are thousands of "lonely", "pretty girls", who want to follow me on the former, Twitter,

They must be awfully lonely, with no self-esteem, because I am vicious, mean and bitter,

Alas, the girls are AI,

Purposed for to corporate spy,

No doubt, these fictions are created by some ambitious tech lad, while sitting on a shitter.

TOOTS, FOOTS, LEAVES AND ROOTS: AN ALIEN STORY

There was an alien from Saturn, with a real name of Toots,

She lacked having two, human legs, so they bar nicknamed her foots,

Foots was a fine bar hoping star,

She was different, looked bazaar,

One day, Toots went pee in a park, then sprouted leaves, and dropped roots.

THE BRIGHT SIDE OF BEING BRAINLESS

I have a very diseased, unthinking, squirrelly, little brain,

Doc says, it is so brittle and little, I must be insane,

My brain cells died one by one,

Because I stared at the sun,

But, without many brain cells, I feel no guilt, no hate, no pain.

THE AFTER AFFECTS OF PLUMS ON PLUMBING

After over snacking, all evening, on prunes or plums,

Tension filled guests, waited in a line, to empty their tums,

The pipes took in literally, a ton,

Before a severe backup, overrun,

Then, guests ran out the backdoor, to self-relieve in the mums.

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I WAS FIRED, AND MY WIFE LEFT WITH MY STUFF

I use to have a job that pays, but I don't have one anymore,

I use to work half a day, cleaning both the toilets at a store,

I am disappointed, I feel sad,

It was the best job I ever had,

Then my wife singled me, took the furniture, but left me the floor.

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BFF BLUE PIG

My bestie, blue pig, got all covered with the mud,

I set him down in a tub of hot soapy sud,

He let on a big, loud squeal,

Like a braked Chevy wheel,

The water was too hot, and boiled my best bud.

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THE OLD MAN IN THE SHOE WILL PAINT YOUR BOUEY

My full name is Little Uncle Huey,

I live in  a old beer stinker, shoey,

I have lived here for lots of years,

Raised a family; many tears,

I'll paint a Monet on your bouey.

TURNING THAT ODD JOB INTO A CAREER

I went to pond frog school to learn how to hop, hop, hop hop,

I went to fish out of water school to learn to flip flop,

I could hop, hop all day,

Flip flop the night away,

I went to big, ugly bug school to bite people, nonstop. 

THE BALLAD OF BENNY MUNDANE

Benny woke up this morning, and noticed a bump on his dome,

He figured he banged his head during his late night, bathroom roam,

Benny sat in a wobbly, kitchen chair,

Benny noticed his table, was food bare,

Benny took a scalding, hot shower, drank a beer, and stayed home.