EDGAR IS MY VALENTINE

It was February 13 and I had a valentine to find,

So, I tried to be witty; I tried being kind,

I gave away money,

But, no one would be my honey,

So, it was with my cat Edgar I dined.

THE ROOSTER ON THE MENU, NOT

The eagles raided my hen house and they raided it really bad,

They took all my hens away and I was oh, so sad,

Then, I had a morale booster,

For along came the rooster,

His meat was tough, he got rejected, I'm glad.

I ESCAPED THE FACE ROCK

While I was tripping around in deep space,

I found a rock that had a humanoid face,

The face chomped down on my port side,

I could have easily died,

But, I got away with a spray of space mace.

MAYO MADE ME MAD

There's bacteria in my refrigerator,

There's bacteria on my floor,

There's bacteria on my doorknob,

So, I don't go out the door,

I keep no food in my refrigerator,

Nor, walk anywhere in my place,

I just hop around on the furniture,

And, eat bugs to fill my face,

Now, some would claim I'm insane,

And doctors, it's everyone,

But, I once suffered great bacterial pain,

From mayo I let sit out in the sun.

   

THE TURTLE IN MY BASEMENT

I saw a giant turtle crawling across the snow,

I knew that he would freeze to death,

Because, there were only snowy places to go,

I asked him inside to sit with me,

I gave him a cookie and some chamomile tea,

The tea made him talkative and he said his name was Lee,

He told me a squirrel had dug open his hole,

He couldn't reheat it because he ran out of coal,

So, I let him stay in the basement and in the spring he could stroll.

A SNOW DAY IN MICHIGAN

The cold blowing air puts an ache in all my teeth,

If my frostbite lasts much longer, I'll earn an R.I.P. wreath,

The cold, howling winds sing a song,

I think a dirge; I hope I'm wrong,

Is my grave a snow drift that I'll soon be underneath?  

TO BE WATCHING FOOTBALL OR NOT TO BE WATCHING FOOTBALL?

Should I go ice fishing or watch the great football game?
My team is not playing and that is so lame,
But, if it is ice fishing I choose?
If it's thin ice I lose,
Besides, football's exciting and what's in a name?

HUNGER HAIKU

Starve, Desperation,
Canned cheese, crackers, candy bar,
Filling, heartburn, sick.