WHEN I MET AN AMOEBA MONSTER LIMERICK

I had a really bad, bad fright,
It was a weird monster I met one night,
It was a green Amoeba,
It's name was Reba,
I think my eyeballs weren't screwed in right. 

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THE CARN IN THE BARN IS MY YARN

Near an old caved-in farmhouse, there was a big, red barn,

What's kept in there, I'll tell you in this story, my yarn

It is white haired, and has six feet,

It loves the human meat to eat,

It won't touch plant food, because it is an evolved carn.13

MY CHRISTMAS JAMS AND DOOMSDAY

They sit silent, in my family sized big pantry; all my jams, except the overflow,

Maybe I'll give the overflow away to my brother Steven, right now, I do not know,

Doomscrolling predicts the world will soon end,

The mass hoarding of foods, shows we don't pretend,

Cities will be slaughter houses, where cannibals go, I'll be snacking on jams, Ho,Ho, Ho.

GETTING REAL AND THE FLAGPOLE

My old burn barrel got way out of control,

Burning the woods down was never my real goal,

Bigfoot got real mad,

He made me real sad,

When he tied me to the top of the flagpole. 

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DEMON DAZE AT THE GROCERY STORE

100 hungry demons came storming through my door,

They ate my pets and family, still they wanted more,

I know demons are really bad,

But, I couldn't see them looking sad,

So, I gave them lots of money, and sent them to the grocery store.

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THE VAMPIRE DRINKS ON HOLIDAYS

The ginger boy was frightened, his hair turned from red to gray,

For he saw a wretched vampire, on St. Crispness Day,

The boy watched his sister,

Get a vampire neck twister,

After the vampire drank her blood, he just flew away.

YOUNG DRAGON GRIDDLES

There is a fairly young dragon, who lives down by the big lake,

He lives in a cave made of clam shells, from his picnic clam bake,

Since nice, warm summer weather did pass,

Young dragon hooked his stove up to gas,

And, fired up his griddle to fry a dragon sized pancake.

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MALE CHAUVINIST, VAMPIRE HUNTER

I went down to St. Jane's funeral parlor;  saw my old lady there,

She was laid out on an old table, and there was blood everywhere,

She had become a vampire from a toilet seat,

And, human blood was the only food she would eat,

There was a sharp, wooden stake stuck deep in her heart, and I put it there.

WOLFING THE COWS

I guard my sleepy cattle to chase off the werewolf,

He likes eating live cattle; fresh red meat on the hoof,

This is not for some fun,

I've silver bullets in my gun,

And, a man with silver bullets on the farmhouse roof.

THE GHOULS WITH THE RIZZ

I have been a grave robber all of my adult life,

It is an intimate thing, I do with my sweet wife,

It's our family biz,

Fills us with Rizz,

We each carry half the corpse, that we've split with a knife.

BOURBON SAILING DID NOT END WELL FOR ME

My beautiful, brand new sailboat was seven meters long,

I named her after a punk band, The Seven Meters Song,

Because of bourbon and tea,

I was lost out on the sea,

And, ended up on the island where they worshiped King Kong.

CALL OF THE WEREWOLF

The howling of a wolf in the woods, filled my beastly, carnal heart's holes,

The howling was a call to the forest minions, to awaken werewolf souls,

The woods went darker, the sky grew bright,

A full moon lantern was the only light,

I started my venture into the night, hunting victims, to play out their roles.

DOOMSCROLLING FOR VAMPIRES: GREEN TOOTH

I was doomscrolling for vampires, and found one with a long, green tooth,

He got it stuck in a catsup bottle, while in a restaurant booth,

It was his unlucky sup,

For the sun was coming up,😥

Vampires never survive, when the sunlight burns them; that is the truth.🌞

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WEREWOLF WAITING

There was a werewolf waiting up in an oak tree,

He was waiting there for hours, just for me,

He jumped down on my head,

Made me feel half dead,

Then he took off saying, he had to go pee.

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WHY I'M HIDING IN THE BARN

There was a goblin in my shower,

He was nine feet tall, that goblin tower,

He was all teeth and scales,

So, I made screams and wails, 

Then, I ran to the barn where I cower. 

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PEASANT RECIPE FOR STEW, HAGIS AND SCONES, NOT

I once  knew a great big giant, and his name was Marvelous Mel,

He got all his stew meat from the peasants, he caught down in the dell,

He ground and ground their bones,

To make flaky, crisp scones,

He made haggis from their innards, his recipe, he wouldn't tell.

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GORE: THE CREATURES IN THE CRACKS

I told Vincent to never again, lock the bathroom door,

I said monsters hid within the cracks, in the tile floor,

Vincent never locked it for the next, two days,

The third day he locked it, now, the preacher prays,

The person who found Vincent, described the bathroom as, "gore".

 

THE ANGEL BEAST

The smoky fires in Canada, have clouded my rural store,

I don't sell much here, except pop, smokes, chips and my stories of lore,

I tell tourists of the angel beast,

While perched on smoke clouds, he picks his feast,

Tourists filled with my smokes, chips and pop, are the ones he picks, the least.

AFTER DEATH, I AM WITH MY PET

A hungry tiger escaped from the zoo,

He ate up my pretty, pet cow, named Moo, 

I feel really blue,

The cat ate me too,

I and my pet cow, became tiger poo.

TALE OF THE MONORAIL SNAIL

There is a great, green, goober, garden snail,

The snail rides the Michigan monorail,

He has a toothy jaw,

Iconic, sharp claw,

With that jaw and claw, he ain't hunting kale.