TED TAMED THE SHREW

My doggy ate my goldfish, and my doggy at a little shrew,

My doggy ate my new tennis shoes, because that's what doggies do?

My doggy is named Ted,

He's not right in the head,

He ripped up daddy's favorite chair, and peed on my mommy's bed.

AR AND THE ATTACK OF THE HEMORRHOIDS

I have a Doberman dog, I named, Atomic Richie,

AR is laughed at because his hemorrhoids are itchy,

Across the carpet he scoots,

Amongst the laughter and hoots,

Poor old AR is howling in a vibrating pitchy. 

MY SHORT HAIRED DOG GOT RABIES, SO I BOUGHT A HAIRY ONE

I once had a Boston terrier,

He was a big rabies carrier,

He foamed at the mouth,

Took off, going south,

I bought a collie, much hairier.  

THE TERRIERDACTYL

My little bull terrier, thinks he's a flying dinosaur,

He climbs up on the furniture, and jumps four feet or more,

He knocked over Uncle Vern.

Vern sat so quiet, in his urn,

Methinks dinos will be flying, to the backyard, and out the door.

IF YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOLDFISH ALIVE

Mommy says I can't have a puppy, unless I can keep a goldfish alive,

So far that's not going well, no matter how hard I strive,

Most fish die by week two,

Some make it three, just a few,

I fear I may never have a puppy; I just turned 35.

Mommy says I can't start dating, unless I can keep a goldfish alive...

THE DEMON DOG AND THE WEREWOLVES

When you go out trick or treating, 

That's when werewolves will be eating,

But a demon dog,

Who eats like a hog,

On werewolves he be feeding.

THE LOG IN MY COFFEE

In my cup of coffee I spotted a log,
When I examined it closer I saw a big polliwog,
Then, he said to me,
"I don't like coffee; make tea,"
So, I tossed the ingrate to my hungry dog.

I MISS MY ST. BERNARD

I saw a little cougar,
Playing in my yard, 
He only weighed 200 pounds,
But, he ate my St. Bernard,

I miss my great big dog,
I'm serious you see,
Because now that my dog is gone,
The cougar is eating me.  

THE CHOCOLATE FROSTING ON GRAHAM CRACKERS LIMERICK

I bought some graham crackers to take on a retreat,
I covered them with chocolate frosting; the crackers were ready to eat,
Now, someone brought along their big dog,
He seemed behaved on the long jog,
But, he ate all the crackers while lounging in the back seat.

I DREAM OF QUEENIE

I dream of Queenie, my little pup when I was four,

She'd eat a plate of tortellini then, go poopy outside the door,

Queenie ate little as a small pup,

But, she got big and ate a big sup,

So, dad the meany said no more Queenie and gave away my labrador.

MY GOLDFISH IS A GOOD PET, NOT!

My goldfish is a nincompoop because poop is all he does,

Except he'll swim to the top of his bowel to eat a piece of fuzz,

I wish for a better pet than he,

For he does not comfort me,

He has no fluffy fur, he cannot pur or, love me just because.

I

MY DOG HATES SWISS CHARD OR, IS IT JUST ME

I had a pet doggy named Fred,

He became vicious when he wasn't fed,

But, when I fed him Swiss chard,

He bit me real hard,

So hard I bled out and went dead.

THE SNACK DOG

My puppy would only eat snacks,

Like cheese on tasty bacon cracks,

And, ice cream in a cup

Was his favorite sup,

He loved popcorn in big buttery sacks.

ME NEW PET LIVES IN THE WOODS

Such happy days I had with me dog, pet,

When she passed, thought I, another I'd get,

I could afford only a squirrel,

I called his name Earl,

He still lives in the woods where we met.

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