TURNING THAT ODD JOB INTO A CAREER

I went to pond frog school to learn how to hop, hop, hop hop,

I went to fish out of water school to learn to flip flop,

I could hop, hop all day,

Flip flop the night away,

I went to big, ugly bug school to bite people, nonstop. 

KITCHENING WITH JENNY

Jenny had many pans and Jenny had some pots,

Jenny had a toaster, and toasted lots and lots,

Jenny had a new, hot air fryer,

Fancy cookware? she was a buyer,

When Jenny has food leftover, it sits and rots.

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AT THE END I AM PILES

I fell off a cliff, and looked down at big, sharp, nasty stones,

I knew that soon upon them, I'd be bleaching my broke bones,

Then I saw a tiger,

A lion and a liger,

I knew I'd soon be in scat piles, with scat pile tones.

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A DIFFERENT DUMBER

It's a summer Saturday morn, and most of town is going rafting,

Except, I am going downtown to pick up supplies, for some crafting,

l have made my hobby picks,

Little bags of hobby sticks,

I'm gonna build a suspension bridge, which will take some time for drafting.

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JIMBO'S CHICKEN COOP FIRE

When Jimbo's chicken coop caught fire,

The chickens escaped over the chicken wire,

But, they didn't get anywhere,

They were all ate by a bear,

Now, Jimbo's chicken farm's future is dire.

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COOP

THE CORN ROAST LIMERICK

Moose Gillies would brag and would boast,
About his annual summer corn roast,
But, this year he got bent,
When in the fire the corn went,
And, was burnt blacker than his wife's turkey breast roast.  

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LOTIONS,AND POTIONS AND WORMS IN THE EARS

Jimmy had worms burrowing deep into his ears,

He had worm eggs sliding down his face in his tears,

He bought topical lotions,

And consumable potions,

He got better, and told his saga over beers.

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BEN'S TOOTH FAIRY FLY

Ben's belly got nausea, when Ben ate too much raspberry pie,

Also, seeds got stuck in Ben's cavities, and that made Ben, tear cry,

Ben's teeth were too rotten to fill,

They needed pliers, not a drill,

Ben got gassed when his teeth were pulled, and he flew like a bird, up high.

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THE BONE THAT I FOUND

A dinosaur bone I dug up under my swing,

I did so by doing that swish footie thing,

And, because of the bone that I found,

I'm an official rock hound,

Although, the bone was really from a fried chicken wing.

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YARN AND GARDEN

I tried to play  croquet, today,

Or, was it actually called macrame,

I was told I had had poor form,

I need a workout to be norm,

Seems I was actually doing crochet.

CONFUSING A SPOON WITH A FORK: MISTAKES HAVE CONSEQUENCES

I threw a spoon into the air, and a fork came down upon my head,

It stuck deep into my skull, and I started to become really dead,

The biggest hurt came at first,

That pain was the very worst,

I just hope they bury me deep enough, so the coyote won't get fed.

MONSTERS WITH CLAWS

I use to have four giant, sharp claws,

They gave other clawed monsters, a big pause,

Opponents got rip shredded,

Disarmed, and then beheaded,

That kind of bleeding won't stop with just gauze.  

MY HOUSE PLANTS, THE POTTED DEAD

I water and water all my house plants, but they all seem to die,

With all the tap water I give them, they're sop and wet, never dry,

My cousin, who is my wiser,

Said, to give them fertilizer,

The plants went super perky, then they died as they came off their high.

THE SPACE LASAR GOT ME GOOD

There is this glowing space laser, some call it the sun,

It aims straight down on me, like some Martian ray gun,

It's not at all funny,

Getting zapped by the sunny

I feel cooked like a turkey, dry and crispy done.

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,

CRITTER STEW FOR TWO

I found some dry hickory, so I lit it to heat a winter stew,

I threw in the stew a snow bunny, a dead frog and something that flew,

The stew bubbled, and the fire hissed,

Soon, the critter stew, my fat lips kissed,

After dinner I took a nap, while my dog Dexter dropped his poo.

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MY BABY TURNED MEAN

On my head I have a big bobo,

Caused by my kid, who is only two,

He's violent toward me,

He will not let me be,

He mean hits me with his hard shoe.

MY BIG, BEAUTIFUL VOICE INSIDE

I looked hard to find my inner voice, speaking inside,

But, in that vast, open space, no thoughts at all reside,

Between my two, beautiful ears,

I know only laughter and tears,

Every thought I have, I wear on my outer hide.

NEIGHBORLY ADVICE

The neighbor lady told Paul, he looked really creepy,

When he walked the neighborhood alone, before sleepy,

She said, to at least get a small dog,

Visit the local pub for a grog,

And, quit using the neighbor's front lawns to go pee pee.

I VISITED MY NEIGHBORS DOWNSTAIRS

There was a clog in my kitchen sink drain,
While under my sink the pipes leaked stinky rain,
Then, my floorboards got soft,
And, I plunged down from my loft,
To visit neighbors, who asked me to explain.

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THE BASS, BASS, BASS, SHOE CONTEST

They disputed my final fish weigh-in, and I lost the 1st place, and cash prise,

The prise was $10,000 dollars, that brought a million tears to my crying eyes,

The weight was a little bit askew,

I added the weight of an old shoe,

This contest was rigged; I won't donate my fish to any charity fish fries.

WHEN THINGS FALL APART, GET YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND

A big baboon and a little ginger, went on a  fair ride,

On a rusty, rickety ferris wheel, they sat side by side,

When the wheel fell all apart,

The baboon showed he was smart,

He swung down using cables, the ginger got impaled, and died.

THE BALLAD OF BENNY MUNDANE

Benny woke up this morning, and noticed a bump on his dome,

He figured he banged his head during his late night, bathroom roam,

Benny sat in a wobbly, kitchen chair,

Benny noticed his table, was food bare,

Benny took a scalding, hot shower, drank a beer, and stayed home.