MY WOODSTOVE HAS GONE KAPUT

My woodstove has gone kaput,
It’s rusted out and backed up with soot,
There was so much smoke in the house,
All the carpeting is deloused,
And, I’m freezing from my head to my foot.

THE RED STRAWBERRY ANTS

I went and planted a strawberry jar,
Full of strawberry plants,
But, when the strawberries were sweet plump and ripe,
I found the strawberries all full of red ants,

My strawberry jar was a real disappoint,
And, so were my strawberry plants,
Now, the ants are running amok in my joint,
And, they bite me neath the cuffs of my pants.

THE OLD MAN AND THE CAVE

There was an old man who did not like to shave,

He did not shower either so, he moved into a cave,

But, when his campfire started to smoke,

The old man started to choke,

So, he cancelled his plans for a rave. 

I ALWAYS WEAR MY COVID MASK JUST TO TICK EM OFF

I wear a Covid mask everywhere I go,

Whether going to the mailbox or, driving very slow,

I wave to all but, do not linger,

Their return wave is just one finger,

Maybe we'll be friends again to celebrate Ho, Ho, Ho.

HOW TO PREPARE OLIVE FLAVORED TOMATOS

My tomato is not very sweet,

It tastes like olive in the meat,

But, hamburger will help,

Then, no partaker will yelp,

And, I'll stuff it all in a bacon wrapped, deep fat fried pickled beet.

DUCKS IN A CAN: A WAREHOUSE GHOST STORY

I work at a warehouse loading up trucks,

Today in from Peking, I loaded cans filled with cooked ducks,

But, in the cans I was stacking

The ducks started quaking,

I guess, being a duck crammed in a can really sucks.🦆

HOW A LOOSER CAN BE A WINNER AT POOL

Jimmy always made money by losing at pool,

I once observed his profession from a nearby bar stool,

While an opponent leaned forward to shooty, 

Jimmy grabbed wallet booty, 

So, Jimmy the looser was really quite cool.

MY HAMBURGER SMELLED A LITTLE FUNNY TODAY

My hamburger smelled a little funny today,
It smelled like a toilet with a whiff of bug spray,
I'm not a real fussy lad,
So, I ate what I had,
But, tonight I'm afraid I will pay.

THE SHALLOW HOLE OUTHOUSE

I put up an outhouse but, did not dig a deep hole,

Soon the smells it produced perfumed through the soul,

But, I was celebrated by kin,

When one of the little ones fell in,

And, was pulled out with a cane fishing pole.

I WENT TO LONDON TO COOK FOR THE QUEEN

I went to London to cook for the queen,
She liked my firm grits and my crawdads were clean,
And, she said my rock bass,
Added a real touch of class,
Yet, my root-crops looked a trifle obscene.

THE PANCAKE GARDEN

I planted pancakes to see if they'd grow,

But, soon after planting it started to snow,

Then, I cringed up my toes,

For I know that it froze,

And, pancakes in the fall, I won't know.

A CRUSH ON SPRINGY FLOWERS

When the springy, spring flowers flower,

Then we get a big snow shower,

The frosty frost shows off it's power,

And, little petals fade and cower,

Crushed beneath the shower tower.

ODE TO THE LEPRECORN-Strange Creature Limerick

There was a creature called the leprecorn,
It was the strangest creature ever born,
A unicorn body it had,
With Leprechaun head mean and mad,
In the middle of the head was a horn.

The leprecorn liked to dance in the woods,
It guarded its gold and the rest of it's goods,
If you came to steal,
He'd give you a deal,
It was a horn in the rump for all hoods.

The leprecorn was the son of McMurry,
When the corn was born all said not to worry,
"He'd outgrow his strange look"'
"If fifty years it took",
Now it's been ninety-five what's the hurry.
,

THE BUBBLE BATH CURE

When trees start growing between your toes,

And, itchy bushes hang out of your nose,

And, your skin is so dry,

Like crust on a pie,

A bubble bath will end most of your woes.

FALSE TEETH IN A JAR

I placed my false teeth in a large mason jar,

To avoid damage during my fight at the bar,

But, bad luck comes as it must,

My jarred teeth got a bust,

And, scattered from the dance floor to the car. 

DILL PICKLES NASTY GAS

Dill pickles give Jerry a nasty gas,
It takes so long for it to pass,
It takes more than one day,
That’s too long most say,
From the mouth to the end of his mass.