PAINT THE WEASEL AND DIE

I went out to Little Twin Lake, to find me a sabre tooth weasel.

I wanted to paint his picture on a canvass, held by an easel.

Found the weasel, and he got uptight,

Gave me a sabre tooth weasel bite,

I crawled to the road; stoped a semi-truck, which ran on stinky diesel.

MY EARS GOT A BATH IN THE BAY

I once had two large facial organs, some call ears,

I lost them fishing out on the crowded, bay piers,

For an entire day,

Fish hooks flew round my way,

I felt nothing, because I was full of malt beers.

I'M A BIG SHOT, WITH A SUIT AND SHOWER CURTAIN

I went to Canada to buy a green curtain, for my bathroom shower,

A Canadian shower curtain, shows I have a real super power,

For I fill a great need,

I sell suits that are tweed,

My tweed stores are gaining market share, every minute, every hour.

THE CAT WHO WOULD SLEEP ON HIS STINK

My silly pussy cat was really poky and slow,

It took him 8 hours to find his litter box and go,

Then he would fall asleep,

On his litter box heap,

Then I'd make him go outdoors, and roll around in the snow.

I COULD NOT GIVE UP WITCHCRAFT

I'm a reformed, great powers witch, but a back slider,

Because I turned a fly into a big, black spider,

The evil deed was all done,

My witch habit had re-begun,

I made the spider big, now I'm a spider rider.

OH WOE, MY RIZZ IS BAD

I am told I have extremely "bad rizz",

My personality, has done a fizz,

How does rizz grow?

If it grow, will I know?

I want my popularity to sizz.

A VENISON CHRISTMAS

I spent my Christmas morning, hand feeding red apples to the deer,

I petted every single deer, showing them they need not fear,

My next door neighbor, Mean Joe,

Shot every buck and doe,

He's been cutting up venison, I hope he brings some over here.

DON'T DRINK YOUR BUBBLE BATH

I drank some bubble bath, and it did not taste like wine,

It made me so sick, I felt too ill to dinner dine,

Pa gave me a corporal spanking,

I lost my allowance, for banking,

Now I know what not to drink, because pa drew the line.

VORTEX-COLD

I got polar vortexed, and it really didn't feel, very good,

I used all my tanked propane, and burned every stick of wood,

It froze hairs, and the attached skin,

Froze my soups, preserved in cheap tin,

I can't walk through a polar vort, even with my fluffy hood.

A REINDEER FOR CHRISTMAS

All of my kids demanded a real, live pony for Christmas, this year,

Ponies have become way too pricey, so I bought a nice, sweet reindeer,

It's nice to pet; fur is soft as silk,

It's a girl, so the kids get milk,

When she dies, I'll roast her in the oven, marinated in root beer.

HOW DID THE POISONOUS CHRISTMAS BEETLE INFEST HOMES.

There was a little Christmas beetle, that climbed down from my Christmas tree,

The Christmas beetle was so cute and cuddly, that I just let him be,

I worried the beetle had rabies,

But I didn't expect all the babies,

By the time the next springtime came, beetles filled my house up like a sea. 

THE CASE OF THE STOLEN CHRISTMAS CHOPS

Mommy made Santa fine pork chops, for the Eve before Christmas day,

I thought fat Santa didn't need pork chops, so I stole them all away,

I ate purloined chops all night long,

I realized next morn, I'd done wrong,

Fat Santa had left me nothing, when he visited with his sleigh.

A GREEN BEAST CHRISTMAS WITH NANNA

For Christmas, I bought nanna,🍷 the biggest, most savage, green beast,

It eats only un-alive meat, and ancient, full dead, wine yeast,

The night before our big holiday dinner,

I gave nana my gift, it was a winner,

Nanna didn't show up for our big meal, and missed a spiral ham feast.

BENNY CHANGED: FROM A BOIL TO A GOYLE

Benny had a horrible, throbbing, green boil,

He got rid of it with a can of snake oil,

Benny made worldwide, billions,

Selling snake oils to millions,

Then Benny married a beautiful gargoyle.