BENNY IN THE WOODS

Poor Benny had to find himself a brand new place to squat,,

He lost his old log cabin due to rain, and snow and rot,

It is a trailer the the woods,

It has stores of pasta dry goods,

He's looking for a roomie, who can fix the toilet pot.

MOON STRANDED DREAMS

Four stranded astronauts were sitting on a moon,

Dreaming of banana bread and a Saturday cartoon,

Then, one of them got silly,

And, dreamed of Cajun chili,

Then, they all dreamed ice cream was coming very, very soon.

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JUNIOR THE SKUNK

Junior was a nasty skunk,
He followed me around like a goofy punk,
So, with bacon I would tease,
But, his bite gave me rabies,
If I don’t get to a doctor I fear that I’m sunk.

Junior the skunk feed on mice all the day,
He dug them up from holes where they quietly lay,
When a poor mouse yelled out "eek",
Startled Junior let out  a wreak,
That warned the other mice to scurry away.

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THE POLAR BEAR AND THE MAMA DEER

There once was this polar bear, his name was Moe,

He had a hunger for every little doe,

Moe would watch them and drool,

An obsessed dumb bear fool,

Moe never caught one, because old Moe was slow.

STARS, MARS AND, LIGHTNNIG BUGS IN JARS

Jerry liked to look at Stars,
He did not care for spheres like the moon or Mars,
He didn’t like balls in the sky,
Just things that twinkle way up high,
It was like lightning bugs he caught in jars.

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ICH DOWN THE TOILET

My diseased guppy has a case of ich,

The poor little fish seems awfully sick,

Some think it is very strange,

His funeral I'll arrange,

He'll be flushed out to the septic, real quick.

THE SAUSAGE WAS SO HOT, IT MADE SAMMY WAIL

Thursday, Sammy got his meat in the afternoon mail,

Hot pepperoni that turned Sammy's pimples all pale,

It burned while going down,

In his guts round and round,

At the end, the burn was so bad it made Sammy wail. 

DING DONG THE BEAR IS FED

Ding Dong the big bear only ate skunk meat,

It was so tasty, skunk meat was so sweet,

Since he was a small feller,

Ding Dong didn't have a smeller,

The little black and white skunk was his treat.

RANDY'S RURAL LIFESTYLE LIMERICK

Randy lived way out in the sticks,
He was covered with all kinds of ticks,
He itched and he scratched,
Till, his skin was detached,
He glued it back on with wax melted by wicks.

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THE HUNGRY COUGAR HAIKU

Door, Cougar scratching,
Brow wet, shirt sweat, pants not dry,
Man friendly? Doubtful.

Cougar, hungry, food,
Door scratched, window pane rapped, smashed,
No food, What food? Me!

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I BURN GREEN FIREWOOD

My good firewood was running real low,
I had lots of green stuff but, it burned like a foe,
You burn green it is said,
When you're between frozen and dead,
And, green wood makes a creosote fire woe.

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DOOMED BY A DEB WITH A WEB

I saw a spider-web when I looked outside,
It was in my window, over half as wide,
I found in the web,
A black-widow named Deb,
She bit me and that's how I died.

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BENNY BROUGHT HOME SOME CHEAP CRABS

Benny brought home to his wife some cheap crabs,

The crabs were just little dribbles and dabs,

They came in a can,

Fried up well with Spam,

The crabs helped the Bennies build bigger abs. 

I FINGERED SOMEONE

Someone was picking their nose,

And, wiping it allover their clothes,

Mama got mad,

Nose picker got sad,

I told everyone, and that added to woes.

VERN THE INTERN AND LOVE

There once was a TV intern named Vern Benderback,

He always ate his cheese balls from a brown paper sack,

Vern was married twice,

Both times got head lice

It seems real relationships, Vern could never hack.

TIME TRAVELS WITH MORRIS

Morris bought a used time machine, but his time travels did not last,

Morris was eaten by a dinosaur, back in the distant past,

The dinosaur thought Morris yummy,

He put Morris in the dino tummy,

The dino got indigestion, because he ate his food too fast.

JIMMY THE WEREWOLF LIMERICK

Jimmy the werewolf eats only toes off of feet,

His diet is strictly eating toe meat,

He loves chewing toe bone,

If it hurts, just make a loud moan,

Don't run or, he'll put teeth to your seat.

THE HATCHING OF KAYZEARS THE DRAGON

Kayzears the dragon popped out of an egg,

As soon as she popped, she ate my left leg,

The kids hid in a box,

Kayzears was smart as a fox,

After snacking on children, she scarfed down my wife Peg.

KAYZEARS THE DRAGON

Kayzears the dragon has lived for 12,000 years,

She loves eating pie, and pickled human ears,

She can make someone cry,

By eating their thigh,

Which she enjoys, after having a few beers.

FREE BOOZE ON NEW YEARS, AND MY BOSSES STILL HATE ME

New Years Eve I had over all my bosses,

And, they drank down all my sauces,

My party got praise,

But I didn't get a raise,

My alcohol bribes turned into loses.

I'M ONLY ONE FINGERED IN TWO FINGERED BARS

I wanted just two fingers of whisky, but the frostbite took four,

I gave the bar keep the one finger, and he threw me out the door,

I laid in the snow bank,

Got taken to the drunk tank,

I know I only got the one finger, and I wish I had more.

ON NEW YEARS EVE DAVE WENT TO A RAVE

On New Years Eve Dave went to a rave,
It was such a party that Dave didn’t behave,
He ran down a main street,
Tripped over his fat feet,
With no teeth his mouth looks like a cave.

On New Years Eve Dave went to a rave,
He was single so he tried to behave,
He met a girl named Corky,
But, she knew Dave was dorky,
His reputation follows him to the grave.

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PATTY AND HER NASTY PIES

Patty's pies are really bitter,
Although she brags them up on Twitter,
The inside is like soup,
Smells like a dog coop,
The baking bug should not have bit her.

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HAPPY BOXING DAY

It's another fun filled "Happy Boxing Day".

From my boring work, I will stay far, far away,

I'll come home at three,

Have tatters and tea,

Then I'll hibernate, until the birds sings in May.

MY OBOE HAD HOLES

My oboe had too many holes, so I plugged some with chewing gum,

Then when I played my oboe, it made a horrible, hissing hum,

So, my music I could not share,

I led a life of despair,

And, I could never approach my one true love, who played the bongo drum.

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