I HAD TO EAT CROW, EGG

I went down to the meat market, and what was missing there?

There was a shortage of eggs to feed to my Teddy Bear,

When I got back to the house,

My Teddy Bear, my sweet spouse,

Had raided a crows nest, and served the eggs runny and rare.

GROUNDHOGS, AIN'T JUST FOR WEATHER PREDICTING

I parboil ground hog,  to make them nice and tender,

I eat too much ground hog, that is why I ain't too slender,

I deliver the ground hog meals,

To old people, from my own wheels,

For those who can't chew, I grind ground hog in a blender.

PHIL, THE GROUNDHOG IS DEAD

The chunky groundhog was attacked by a hawk,

As the big hawk ate him, she went squawk, squawk, Squawk,

His real name in life, was Phil,

He took a blood pressure pill,

I'll miss his never, ever ending, small talk.

REVENGE OF THE LAB MAN

I went to my freshman chemistry lab, and guess, what did I find?

My lab partners are idiots; they blew up the lab, now I'm blind,

So I could walk down a lane,

I was given a used cane,

I'll now, cane-tap after my partners, and cane-whack each one's behind.

FROM STRING CHEESE TO TREE BARK: MY FINANCIAL DECLINE

I went to buy some brand new string cheese,

The high price dropped me down on my knees,

Prices got high in the store,

I am now inflation poor,

I'll try eating some bark off the trees.

MY KID THE CHEF, NOT

I thought I was eating some really fine, stringy noodles,

Turns out, I was slurping the hairs of my little poodles,

I didn't have a hunch,

My kid made my lunch,

I should have opted for two blueberry, toaster strudels.

FROSTBITE, SCENT AND ROSES

Everyone in my town, has had severe frostbite of the nose,

They all had their snoggers cut off, before their high school picture pose,

Town folk aren't very nosey,

But, we still sniff the rosey,

We also, have problems standing, because the-cold bite takes our toes.

MY TREAT: THE BADGER DROPPED HIS MEAT

I found a small sliver of meat, when I went out my back porch door,

That badger must or left it, when he murdered that squirrel, at four,

It was a special treat,

I had something to eat,

But the only flavoring I had, was a bitter apple core.

THE TERMINATOR AI, MADE ALL MY KIDS CRY

I received an email today, and it bid me goodbye,

It said that I got termed by the corporations AI,

I called a family meeting,

Made sure all were firmly seating,

I announced the bad news, which made everyone, eye cry.

GOODBYE TO PORCH PIRATES; I GOT MINE

I went to the pirate's perch to see if I could get back my stuff,

It's an apartment over a bar, where porch pirates drink and puff,

Many lads were there,

But I did not care,

I took my goods while all stepped aside;  I work out and I am buff.

RANDY RED NECK AND THE PIRATE'S PERCH

Onto my left breast, I pinned a shiny tin star,

I'm tracking porch pirates, down the street with my car,

Many sidewalks, far away,

I found where pirates, do stay,

An apartment, above Randy Red Neck's Grill-Bar

GARGOYLE GONE

My gargoyle went out on the big lake,

My very best, darn row boat, he did take,

I called him, " come back home",

He was headed towards Rome,

Maybe, a few hundred years, he will take.

THE SOUND OF SILENCE

Panicked, I quickly called my scam, stockbroker on the phone,

I was mad, so confused, and felt entirely alone,

My tech investments were lost,

My life's labors, the cost,

All I got was the sound of silence, then a dial tone.

I'M CSP: COLD, SICK AND POOR

My stock portfolio, it went away,

My old polio, got much worse today,

I'm so cold and defeated,

Can't afford to get heated,

More cruel times will follow, until May.

I GIVE SNOWMEN THE BOOT SALUTE

When winter snows start their blowing,

My bad attitude starts showing,

I hate snowmen,

I kick them in,

Spring grass, I'd rather be mowing.

EGGS: BEAKS, LEGS AND EYES

I always drive over to Canada, to buy the best breakfast eggs,

Their nice, big eggs don't have little chickens inside, with beaks, eyes and legs,

While eating tater chips with ridges,

I must drive over two long bridges,

Of course, when I come back from Canada, I'll smuggle in a few beer kegs.

UP THE RIVER SMORES .

I canoed up the river, and I got very tired and soar, 

I did not make it to town, so I took a camp upon the shore,

Found an old, torn, rubber tire,

Toasted marshmallows over fire,

Along came a big bear, and he toasted and ate me like a smore.

MAMA SAID THERE WILL BE DAYS...

Benny had a chocolate bar, in the back pocket of his white pants,

Benny wanted to go birthday party, with mama, cousins, and aunts,

But the dark bar melted in the back,

Looked like a diarrhea attack,

Benny still wants to birthday party, but his mama says, he can'ts.

THE WINTER OF OUR REAL HIGH RENT

Our search for employment, did not go well,

We've run out of blood, and assets to sell,

Our landlord was unkind,

Said the rent we must find,

By the 1st stroke of the Sunday church bell.

BIRTH OF AI SALESMAN

I got a knock on my front door, and it was a pushy, AI,

It was selling life insurance, and said it was my time to buy,

It said AI knows all,

I had better not stall,

It was bad news, which upset my nana, and she started to cry.

MY PET GROUNDHOG

My pet ground hog does not feel well,

He slipped on the ice and down he fell,

So, I put him to bed,

After being well fed,

Then he had bad dreams and awoke with a yell.

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THE BAD SAUCE TOSS AND AFTERMATH.

I had some greasy fried chicken delivered to my door,

It was good, so I ordered greasy fried chicken, once more,

Raunchy, spoiled was that chicken sauce,

I gave the chicken the toilet toss,

Since then I have been hungry, but my puking guts are soar.

I WENT TO WORK AFTER MY DINNER GUESTS WERE GONE

There were 35 dead flies on my sesame seed bun,

I know, because I counted every wire-winged one,

The many flies and stale bun had to go,

They went into the compactor of woe,

I went driving into work, under a rising, red sun.

TOMMY, MOMMY, ORIGAMI

When starting out and leaving home, whether you're a Tina or a Tommy,

You must begin looking for a rich, sugar daddy or sugar mommy,

Then ask them for a nice sports car,

An apartment, close by, not far,

Then make them cheap gifts, showing them you care, like clay pots or origami. 

COFFEE PRICES ARE ROCKETING TO MARS🚀

I went to the grocery store to buy coffee to drink,

When I saw the new coffee pricing, my heart did a sink,

I sold my plasma and blood,

To afford my coffee, mud,

Before my next buy, I'll be selling my plumbing and sink.

THE COW THAT BITES FOR RIGHTS

Karen the mad cow, she always bites,

Anyone she observes wearing tights,

It's offensive to her,

If you are not wearing fur,

It's like trampling on her bovine rights.