I TRIED TO EAT MY BOOKCASE

I got so hungry I ate my furniture, but the varnish made me sick,

The varnish slowed my heartbeat way, way down, until it barely made a tick,

Then there was a hard, long, splintered, sliver,

That pierced my intestines and my liver,

Still, I know furniture must be edible, I just haven't found the trick.

THREE EYES AND WET SHEETS

I have a third eye in the middle of my forehead,

That is why my wife and my kid, call me Three Eyed Ed,

When small, people called me weird,

That got all three eyes full teared,

It caused me much trauma, that's why I still wet to bed.

NOTHING FROM NOTHING I LEARNED IN ASTRONOMY CLASS

Nothing from nothing is how the universe came to be, 

According to Astronomy, the class I took to get my GED,

But, if you never had nothing,

How do you get something, that everyone can see?

 

Nothing from nothing has taught me one thing,

I'm failing Astronomy, I got my test grade, 

And, it's a big fat circled (E).

And, I'm pretty sure all those stars up there are laughing at me,

BODY PARTS HAVE FEELINGS TOO

My feet and I have a conversation, each night,

You see, we are old bestest friends, and really tight,

My feet ask me for powder and jells,

I say "fine, if you wash off your smells",

My feet are clean compliant, so I do them up right.

FISHING IN THE NOW AND CLEANING DIRTY HANDS

My bucket is full of minnows, and my can is full of worms,

My lunchbox is full of candy; my hands are covered with germs,

I am fishing in my boat,

Eating candy while afloat,

I wash my hands off in the lake; they are clean, my eye confirms.

81824

MR. MARTIN HAD NO TICKER

Mr. Martin had no ticker,
His doctors wondered why, he was not sicker,
Martin swam in the bay,
Ate smoked bacon all day,
At night he drank beer and would bicker.

7522

GETTING REAL AND THE FLAGPOLE

My old burn barrel got way out of control,

Burning the woods down was never my real goal,

Bigfoot got real mad,

He made me real sad,

When he tied me to the top of the flagpole. 

9925

MOMMY WORKED IN A CIRCUS

I asked mommy what was an acrobat, and she said that was what she was,

Way back in time when she had just left school, and daddy's face had only fuzz,

She said when she was a girl,

She'd give lots of ropes a whirl,

Mommy said life was the circus; she settled for daddy, her second cuz.

TOESIES AND THE NUT: A TRINA STORY

Trina had a big acorn, stuffed way up in her shoe,

It made her little toesies all black and navy blue,

Trina pulled off her little shoe,

Pulled out the acorn, which she threw,

And, hit the Easter Bunny, then Bunny go boohoo.

121925

ATTRIBUTION THEORY, OR A SCREWED UP MIND?

There was a big, snot nose, badger monster, tearing up my front yard,

He was pulling up the shrubbery, I bought on my credit card, 

The badger must of had a bad day,

Maybe his girlfriend ran far away,

Girlfriends want too much attention from their boyfriends, who work hard.

PENNY MACBETH

Penny Macbeth wanted to be admired by onlookers, as a queen,

She had wanted attention since she was an online, unfriended sixteen,

She had no castle, no tower

No claim to an elite's power,

At age 42, out of the blue, she bought a bouncy, new trampoline.

DESPERADO: I STOLE FOOD FROM A TURTLE

I went to the kid's petting zoo, and stole a big fish,

I stole it from a big turtle, right out of his dish,

I got the great, big fish home,

Sprayed the pan with cooking foam,

I ate all the fish flesh, and it was tasty, delish. 

CECIL DIESEL: THE MATH RAT THAT MOCKS CAT

Cecil Diesel is a very mean, but intelligent rat,

He made my big pussy cat cry, when he said she was too fat,

Cecil is great with my twin kids,

When their math grades were on the skids,

Cecil taught the kids quadratic equations; I'm up with that.

GROCERIES OR FACE CREAMS: THE GENDER GAP AND BIAS

Most of us, called human species, are doing the best that we can,

That includes almost every woman, and  every other man,

We get pay for working long hours,

The pay gives us consumption powers,

Women buy food for their families, while men buy face creams, for a tan.

12425

CEDAR SWAMP BROOK TROUT LIMERICK

Today I decided to lounge all about,
And go fishing for some little bitty brook trout,
I took my pick,
From a cedar swamp crick,
Tasting piney; I washed them down with stout.

32222

A DOGGIE DADDY

Denny was a doggie daddy, a doggy daddy was daddy Denny,

Denny didn't know how many dogs he had, he lost count after counting three,

Denny gave each dog a bath at night,

Combed their clean hair, then off went the light,

Sometimes when fleas and ticks would survive, Daddy Denny got a snack for free.

I HAVE ONLINE VIEWS FOR SALE

I am begging for a billionaire to pay me to lie while online,

I am not asking for very  much, just some coupons to fast-food dine,

There has been for me, no approach,

So, I hired a liars coach,

When coach found out I lied about paying him; he said I should do fine.

DON'T BE A CHEARY DEARY

In far, northern Michigan we all know there is no hope,

With long winters we depend on beer and poker to cope,

Don't try to cheer us with song,

We will just take it all wrong,

And, you will be labeled the rest of your life, as a dope.

32121

THE CANDY CANE LICKER

I like licking my candy cane; it tastes like peppermint,

It makes my eyes tear up, and gives them a shinny tint,

I've got a bumper sticker,

Says, "CANDY CANE LICKER",   

Mama says, "oh, you didn't?",

12623

STYLING CECIL HAD TASTY BRAINS

Cecil Diesel was a real sporty rat,

He looked handsome in his fedora hat,

When Cecil became woke,

He ordered a cherry coke,

Cecil got his brains ate by Kate, my cat.

HIGH PRICES + MEDICAL BILLS = PAWN SHOP

I can't feed my grade school babies, I cannot feed my tropical fish,

I just want all the high produces to go down, that is what I wish,

My tough wife stepped on a big, rusty nail,

My youngest got his head stuck in a pail,

Medical bills piled up, so I pawned grandma's silver candy dish..

DADDY DIRTY BEARD

Daddy grew a beard, it was itchy and full of bad bugs,

Daddy was so gross and awful, yet he wanted mommy's hugs,

Mommy sat daddy down, 

Shaved his face; shaved his crown,

The shaving got rid of the lice, but the ticks dug deeper down.