I TRIED TO EAT MY BOOKCASE

I got so hungry I ate my furniture, but the varnish made me sick,

The varnish slowed my heartbeat way, way down, until it barely made a tick,

Then there was a hard, long, splintered, sliver,

That pierced my intestines and my liver,

Still, I know furniture must be edible, I just haven't found the trick.

MR. MARTIN HAD NO TICKER

Mr. Martin had no ticker,
His doctors wondered why, he was not sicker,
Martin swam in the bay,
Ate smoked bacon all day,
At night he drank beer and would bicker.

7522

THE CHORUS WITH BADGER BORIS

There once was a badger, he was called Boris,

He sang lead tenor in the forest chorus,

Big Uncle, Bird Buck

Sang baritone duck,

Bass vocals provided by the bull, Taurus.  

MY TOASTER DID NOT TOAST TOO WELL

My toaster did not toast too well,
It toasted mom's toast too toasty to jell,
So, I spread peanut butter,
Then, served it to mutter,
Who, disappointed, gave me a good yell.

9823

BUSTER THE BANJO PLAYER POEM

Buster was a banjo player,
He played the banjo well,
But, the only song in his repertoire,
Was the Overture to William Tell,

Buster could not read or write,
He didn't know one note from another,
He only learned to play William Tell,
From the whistling of his mother,

Buster tried to learn new songs,
He tried leaning them by ear,
But, when he tried to play the songs,
His audience would sob, "Oh Dear!"

Buster became so frustrated,
He decided not to play,
He figured music was overrated,
So, he sits and dreams all day.

8122

TOILET FLOWERS

My outdoor toilet was all full of flowers,
They grew well after all the rain showers,
They were such a bouquet,
I just let them stay,

My toilet is artwork that towers.

51322

DELETE THE STINKY PROSE

I wrote some real stinky prose,
It was so bad it stuffed up my nose,
So I punched my keyboards delete,
The lines vanished, complete,
They are gone where all stinky prose goes.

21822

QUIGLEY'S FAMILY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE

Quigley's family came from outer space,
They lacked human components like feet and face,
But, the world was fooled,
For the kids were home schooled,
While, the Quigleys dined on the human race.

121920

DUMPSTER DIVING FOR FOOD? I EAT IN THE BAR

I walked into a bar serving free, salty popcorn, but nothing else to eat,

The free popcorn was served to all embalmed patrons, so they could drive down the street,

I didn't buy a single drink,

But, I acted drunk as stink,

Nice dinner; the salty popcorn tasted much better than any dumpster meat.

SAGA OF THE NINETY-NINE MINNOWS

Ninety-nine minnows swam way out to sea,
Then along came a shark, and then there were three,
Out of those ninety-nine minnows, three swam back toward the shore,
Then, along came a bass, and he ate one more,
The last two little minnows decided to date,
They made ninety-nine minnows, and I caught them for

 bait. 

111223

FROSTING AND THE BEAR ON SKATES

I spotted a bear on ice skates come zooming from across the lake,

He eyed me as I stuffed my mouth with frosting covered cake,

So, I dropped my cake and fled,

With hope I would not soon be dead,

The bear stoped to lick off the frosting, so my soul he did not take.

1223

MR. WHEELER'S BANJO BAD

Mr. Wheeler was so banjo bad,
His wrong notes just made sad, sad,
So, beat the drums,
Drown those banjo hums,
And, all humanity will be thankee-glad.

101621

I WENT INTO THE WOODS HUNTING FOR BEARS

I went into the woods hunting for bear,
But, a Bigfoot had already been there,
He ate all the bears,
Except, for some hairs,
And then, those hairs were no more than two pair.

13122

AIR TRAVEL IS EASY, IF YOU KNOW THE RIGHT TUNES

I went to the airport and got stopped by some goons,

They wouldn't let me pass, unless I sang them some tunes,

I knew I could not go wrong,

Singing a lullaby song,

The goons fell asleep; I bet they dream in cartoons.

BUTCHER THE BEAGLE LIKED TO EAT FLIES

Butcher the beagle liked to eat flies,
High in protein; those crunchy meat pies,
Once he chomped down on a bee,
Which made Butcher see,
When eating he should open his eyes.

112621

I WENT TO A SPACE STATION

I went to a space station to get some good rest,
But, they ran out of peanut butter, so I had to protest,
Then, they ran out of spaghetti,
That made me one angry yeti,
So, out the airlock they sent me as a pest.

5922

THE QUEEN'S BISHOP, ROOK

I am so mad at my neighbor for stealing my bestest, favorite book,

It is about a queen cheating on the king, with the handsome bishop, and rook,

The book ends really, really bad,

The queen's exed by an ax, so sad, 

The bishop and rook become fisherman eunuchs, drowning worms on a hook.

TOBOGGAN RIDE, WHEN BUDDIES CRY

My bestest buddy and I went for a toboggan, downhill ride,

I could feel right away, the cold, crispy air, singe my facial hide,

We went really fast,

The ride did not last,

We missed a tree, but the toboggan flipped over; it hurt, we cried.

THE DANGER OF WINTER KITING

February kiting is quite the odd sight to see,

People pretending spring is here, and we are snow free,

The fancy kites fly way high,

In the cold, windy, blue sky,

Kiters may get a frozen nose, of those, some might die.

ALICE NEVER LIVED HERE BEFORE; SHE TENT-MATES WITH MY EX IN TEXAS

My ex-girlfriend moved back to Texas, to a big city called Dallas,

She worked making greasy fries, at a grub bar called, Beer And Slop, By Alice,

Alice was a big, strapping boss,

Mouthy guests, through the door, she'd toss,

My ex rented a tent with her boss, that from pictures, looked like a palace.