DIAMONDS ARE A BOYS WORST FRIEND

Although they all say it don't matter,

You can tell when ladies meet and they chatter,

It's high priced diamonds they demand,

Which poor boys can't understand,

For diamonds don't make the wallet grow fatter.

Age, Old, Tired, Teeth

I see you've turned 32,

And, your old soul's feeling blue,

Every workday you rue,

No energy to do,

But, you still got some teeth so, at least you can chew.

A GOLD FISH NAMED BUCKY

There was a goldfish name of Bucky,
At the casino he was nothing but, lucky,
Every pull came up cherries,
No bananas of berries,
He swam his winnings back home to Kentucky.

JOB ENDS AND THE MONEY QUEST

My job ended on the fourth of May,

I didn't have the rent money and they wouldn't let me stay,

So, I've sold all my pots and my pans,

Have been collecting bottles and cans,

But, I got locked out of my apartment today.

NO BIG FISH TO FISH

No big fish in the lake so, I'm not fishing,

Too much algae so, no fish fry dishing,

Now, in my free time I mow lawn,

Fertilize it at break of dawn,

But, it's time threading worms I be wishing.

April June Bugs

In April I went looking for the bugs of June,

I know it's early but, the weather's opportune,

With this strange global warm,

New seasons take form,

I take bugs now for the desert comes soon..

MY BANKER OWNS A SNOT MACHINE

When I go to see my banker,
He is snoty never mean,
That's because my banker owns,
A delux snot machine,

He tells me that my account is low,
And, I do not save a lot,
He tells me if I'd save some more,
He'd give me some free snot,

I told him to keep my money,
If, he would bother me no more,
Life is just so very short,
Snot's not worth living for.

I AM SPARTACUS, NOT

I dreamt I was a gladiator back in ancient Rome,

My chest was exposed, as was my lack of muscle tone,

Of course, I noticed that my sword,

Was made of thin cardboard,

Then, I felt the Roman spear through my belly and backbone.

ENTER MY WORK DOMAIN

When you enter there you have to stoop,🐫

Of course, it is a chicken koop,🐤🐤🐤🐤

No chickens even 5'4",🐥🐥🐥🐥

So, it is a much shorter door,🐾🐈

STOP! Don't touch the floor because it's poop.🐔🐓🐔🐔🐔🐣🐣🐣🍳

I'M PREPARED FOR THE END OF THE WORLD (EOW)

I've prepared for the end of the world,

My surrender flags I have unfurled,

I have quantities of stash,

Of root beer and corn hash,

And, a still complex that will leave my hair curled.

A TIGER NEAR THE WOODS

I came upon a tiger lying near the village woods,

I asked him if he knew someone in the nearby hoods,

He said I should not feel a scare,

That he was just there for repair,

His lawn mower was getting fixed at Alfie's Garden Goods.  

THE GRAVY CRUNCH

I went to Gravy Jones's Locker for lunch,

There the gravys' so crusty it has a nice crunch,

And, when added to a roast beef,

Garnished with a bay leaf,

Well, there won't be leftovers for a later on munch.

NEW MOON, JUNE, BABOON, BROTHER-IN-LAW HAIKU

New moon, June, baboon,
Summer guest, brother-in-law,
Slob, eats well, don't flush. 

APPLE PIE FOR EASTER

I bought 21 apples to bake in my healthy apple pie,

I wanted ones with worms for the family's meat supply,

I'll use a dab of cinnamon and lots of grease and flour,

I'll use10 cups of sugar and that will give the family power,

So on the day of the Easter feast,

We'll be eating pie, not an oinking beast.