THE LAST BOY TO SELL BANANAS

The last boy to sell bananas, sold them on the main city street,

He made money selling bananas, because they are good to eat,

He stole them from daddy's small store,

Then, deliveries came no more,

Bananas had gone extinct, so the boy sold pickled piggy feet.

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PEASANT RECIPE FOR STEW, HAGIS AND SCONES, NOT

I once  knew a great big giant, and his name was Marvelous Mel,

He got all his stew meat from the peasants, he caught down in the dell,

He ground and ground their bones,

To make flaky, crisp scones,

He made haggis from their innards, his recipe, he wouldn't tell.

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GREGG USED A VACUUM TO CLEAN OUT HIS EARS

Gregg used a vacuum to clean out his ears,  
It sucked out his brains and brought his eyes to tears,
Now, just a zombie remains,
As Gregg seeks other's brains,
He should settle for some chips and some beers.

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THE KNIGHTESS AND THE BAD DRAGON

There once was a dragon with the littlest hand,   

He wanted absolute rule over all the land,

But along came a knightess,

Who just did what was rightess,

She chased off the dragon, and the dragon got banned.

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MY PICCOLO VS A TRUMPET CARILLON

A trumpet carillon played all through the night,
They kept me awake which started a fight,
But their brass horns hit true,
Making me all black and blue,
And, up my nose my piccolo fit real tight.

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HOLIDAY IN PORTUGAL

I went to Portugal to buy some stringy cheese,

While I was there, I bought honey made by some bees,

I ate some cooked, ground pork,

Drank wine; it had a cork,

Ordered a cherry pie, but it had to unfreeze. 

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HE WAS A TURTLE, AND THEN HE DIED

I had to kiss my cute turtle goodbye,

After I found out that he could not fly,

I tied him to a kite,

Told him to hang on tight,

But, he bit clear through his strings, then he die.

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MY TRUMPETER'S LULLABY SAID, "NIGHT, NIGHT", LONG AGO

I stored away my trumpet, for the last thirteen odd years,

I got it out to play, but it just made noise to my ears,

My lips are all soft blubber,

And my tongue, solid rubber,

I did sound much better after I drank one million beers.

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TWO TURTLES LIVED IN A TWO TURTLE TENT

Two turtles lived in a two turtle tent,

In a primeval forest where a tent was low rent,

Then, along came a snake,

Who made a delicious turtle bake,

Which he shared with kind who were bent.

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SAMMY GAPES THE TEETH

Sammy was a dental hygienist, who practiced poor hygiene,

And Sammy's  jaw was so soar, it made Sammy real, real mean,

On your teeth, Sammy would dig and scrape,

Until between your teeth there was a gape,

Sammy's had big troubles, after he gaped the tooths of our fab queen.

GORE: THE CREATURES IN THE CRACKS

I told Vincent to never again, lock the bathroom door,

I said monsters hid within the cracks, in the tile floor,

Vincent never locked it for the next, two days,

The third day he locked it, now, the preacher prays,

The person who found Vincent, described the bathroom as, "gore".

 

THE SQUIRREL HAD TO MAKE HIS NUT

The squirrel had to make his nut, and his nut was at the top of the big tree,

The squirrel had to pay all his bills, because the life of a squirrel, ain't free,

A quick climb up the big pine,

The squirrel would be debt fine,

The squirrel slipped, and fell from the tree top, now a big hospital nut, has he.

OOH, OOH ECONOMY

I just realized that I am in an "ooh, ooh" economy,

It feels worse than when I had my court ordered lobotomy,

Rib roast prices are too high,

My little lamb chops, I can't buy, 

All food prices must be  low, I think that's Deuteronomy.

MATHS, PATHS, TOILETS AND DOGGY BATHS

My school guidance councillor, says I have no ability, to use the maths,

He said I'd do better, working at a job with limited career paths,

He said, I could clean toilets and sweep big floors,

At a fancy hotel, I could open  doors, 

I could get a better job grooming pets, then giving them their daily baths.

I'M GOING TO SQUIRREL

I am going to squirrel away some money, so when the world don't do so well,

I'll still have a little food to eat, and in my apartment, I'll continue to dwell,

When the economy shrinks,

Working out the complex kinks,

I can be an obese, old hermit, eating roasted lamb, bathed in expensive, mint jell.

EGGS AND FINGERS

Newly dropped eggs, I sometimes glean,

It makes mama chickens freak, mean,

They peck my fingers,

Their peck pain lingers,

Causing swelling, inside my bean.

THE KID WITH SQUARE HAIR

I have really rare pedigree hair,

Its curls each grow into a square,

Some say it looks pretty,

Others, give me pity,

My big sister has straight, purple hair.

TREASURE FOUND IN THE TENTER WOODS

The big leaves were soft and gentle; a toilet paper we got for free,

We bagged it up and sold each 5 lb. bag, for $29.93,

My family made money,

Our bleak lives became sunny,

We were a family of centers, who found vast riches that were free.

A CRAWDAD MAY EAT YOUR FACE

My giant, pet crawdad was a monster, and he ate my face,

I tried to pull him off, by spraying his beady eyes with mace,

Then he ate off my little ears,

I had no face, I had no tears,

He clawed out my weak heart; finished me off, then he owned my place.