NIGHT OF THE NEIGHBORS

My neighbors drank some bad whisky, they made in a lead barrel,

It affected their small minds, now they have all gone quite feral,

They're eating each others fleas,

And swinging in the big trees,

I've hidden both my pets, so they won't be in dinner peril. 

FACE ICE

I slipped on some black ice and fell on my pretty face,

My face got deep, dark scratches, and I got a neck brace,

So be careful out there,

For the ice does not care,

If you're a nice puppy, or a psychotic nut case.

MARKET FRESH PET FOOD

The market fish were cleaned, so darn sloppy,

Over half of them, were still flip-floppy,

I bought a frog,

To feed my dog,

And the market frog was still hip-hoppy.

AMERICAN TRAVELS: SPOONING IN CANCUN

I went to Canada to see what I could see,

It's an amazing place, but way to cold for me,

So I went to Cancun,

For some sun, and some spoon,

I think  that it's for sure, where I would rather be.

OH DEAR, OH DEAR: BUG SUCKERS ARE HERE

There were thousands of itzy, itzy, bitzy, bitzy, bugs,

Under my pinky toenails, giving me blood sucking hugs,

I might not be very bright,

But when my skin turned snow white,

I went outback with a shovel, and my gravesite I dugs.

BIG EAT AND SELL MEAT

Jimmy became the cut meat, corporate king, when he stretched out his belly,

Jimmy's secret to success, was eating bagels from the nearby deli,

It was ham, and butter, and cream cheese,

Lots of mayo, and a beg of "Please",

Jimmy's company became number one, selling lamb chops and mint jelly.

THE SMOKE ALARM THAT DESTROYED PLANET EARTH

My smoke detector is giving off, lots and lots of radiation,

Enough to kill off several times,  our complete civilization,

My only smoke alarm has the nastiest quirk,

It needs radioactive stuff, for it to work,

I wonder what others do, in this extremely, bad situation.

UNCLE DR. GREW, THE DINOSAUR

I never saw a dinosaur, until I was almost ten,

Daddy caught one in our backyard, and put it in a pen,

We named the dinosaur, Dr. Grew,

After mommy's brother, who died from flu,

When Dr. Grew became house broke, we kept him in our den.

FROZEN PIG FUTURES

It got so dog gone cold, my pigs all froze,

I sold them all before, the market close,

Just a pound and a pee,

Was the price they gave me,

Enough for a pint, and socks for my toes.

DOWN THE FLUTE ROAD WITH PAN

I bought a beautiful flute from Mr. Pan,

I cannot play it, the way Mr. Pan can,

I squeak and squawk,

He makes his talk,

I became Pan's roadie, and I drive Pan's van.

WHEN ICICLES TRICKLE, IT CAUSES LOW WOE

Where do the melted icicles go?

Into a river beneath the snow,

It runs to the street,

Where it wets your feet,

And ruins your shoes, and costs you doe.

THE CANING OF THE BRAIN

Every time I hear the word "science", it hurts my wired brain,

Feels like grandpa is beating my head in, with his hickory cane,

So I go out critter shooting,

From the forest I am looting,

And, all the little critter corpses, keeps my thinking, very sane.

ALGEBRA AND SKIN IRRITATIONS

My algebra answer, did not add up to x+y,

I got scolded by the teacher, and I started to cry,

She said I acted like babies,

Then I nervous scratched my scabies,

She sent me to the principal; a cruel and mean streaked guy.

MY AGI IS A FRENEMY, WHO HATES HOW I DRESS

I got told off by my new, concerned, AGI,

It's worried about how I appear, to the eye,

Said, I dress like a bad chooser,

A poorly dressed type of looser,

I could start a remake, if I zipped up my fly.

THE PLUMBER OF TAILS

I'm a plumber in Michigan, and that's what I do,

Ever since I lost my plumb job, back when they closed down the zoo,

With my mop and my pail,

I'll clean anything's tail,then

I expect tips and a recommendation, my name is Lou.

PORCH PIRATE MILLIONAIRES

Porch pirates have snuck up to my porch, backdoor,

They stole packages, my puppy, and porch floor,

If they think they can deal,

There's nothing they won't steal,

Porch pirates get rich, and I am getting poor.

FINISTER SITS TIGHT

The honorable Jack Finister,

Was our last noble Prime Minister,

He could not make bail,

Now he sits in jail,

For committing crimes deemed sinister.

THE DAY THE EARTH GOT BLOWN TO.BITS

I watched the alien, projected energy war in space,

I watched from little, planet earth; a really distant, safe place,

But the giant laser,

Was not an earth grazer,

The existence of the earth, is now a historical case.

THE SILVER PENNY FED MY FACE

I found a silver penny, lying out on an old, blacktop street,

It was dated 1943, when a penny bought you meat,

Inflation has taken a big toll,

My purchase power is in the hole,

A collector bought my penny, for tatter chips that I did eat.

BEAK

I ate so much southern fried chicken, that I grew a giant beak,

I got many compliments, because a beak face is awesome, sheikh,  

I'm a teacher at a school,

The kids all think I am cool,

Unfortunately, the entire staff, still think that I'm a geek.

INVESTING WE WOE GO

My savings has become awfully low,

It seems to be a big negative grow,

In some crypto that rocks,

I bought iconic stocks,

They've been nothing, but a downward woe go.

THE POLAR VORTEX AND ME

I am just a frozen popsicle on a ski,

Resulting from the Polar Vortex meeting me,

My jacket, all warm and tight,

Could not handle Vortex might,

I now stand as a statue, you can view for free.