COFFEE PEOPLE OF AMERICA

I use to go down to the diner, and have a big mug of fresh coffee,

All the townies gathered there, because the second mug was guaranteed, free,

We were town proud, and full of joy,

We gave off airs of townie coy,

Coffee prices blew up; the diner closed; through the window, the ends I see.

SWAG BAG AND POLICE DRAG

A famous, retail store gave out some free stuff in a great, big, humongous bag,

The intended result was to make all shoppers feel extremely rich, and "swag",

But, the free stuff was so cheap, cheap,

The shoppers dumped it in a heap,

And, substituted electronic stuff, then riot cops did a cuff and drag.

THE SEARCH FOR THE FOREST THROUGH THE TREES

I walked through the trees to find the forest, but not one forest was ever found,

All I found were leaves, stumps, logs, and trees upon more trees, and lumpy, squishy ground,

I did lose my way,

Was lost for a day,

Next time I look for the forest through the trees, I'll bring along my hunting hound.

I RIDE THE WILD BEAR

I walked into a dark, deep cave, and saddled up a big, black bear,

Some call me extremely brave, others think I need a brain repair,

I rode the bear to mum's,

Stoped at a store for gums,

I rode the bear at a steady trot, so mums neighbors, he wouldn't scare.

BLOWING SNOW, AND KIN IN THE TIN

The snow piled up on top of the roof, and the whole darn roof came caving in,

It made a horrible, terrifying noise, because the roof was made of tin,

We got more wind blow,

And, in blew more snow

The family is not doing  bad, but we're still missing a couple of kin.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS", FROM SANTA CLAUS

I went begging for food at Santa's house, and Santa gave me a job,

He said I had to work to eat, and I should stop being a begging slob,

I had to clean out the reindeer stalls,

Much poop on the floor, more on the walls,

When I finished I asked Santa for food; he said, "eat the poop", oh, sob!

TOILET THRUSTING FOR BLING

I thrust my hand down into the toilet, to retrieve an engagement ring,

It had a big cubic zirconia, Zink ring, and everything,

Granted, the ring was way too small,

Should have bought for a big and tall,

I might have to buy a cheap replacement; I can't afford more nice bling.

I RIDE BEAR

I went into the woods, and saddled a wild bear,

I rode him into town, and tied him up in the square,

At the store, while I was inside,

A guy tried stealing my ride,

The bear ate the guys body, methinks that was just, fair.

SANTA AND THE FRIED FROG LEG CHRISTMAS

Santa likes his fresh sugar cookies, but Santa loves his eggnog, 

The one thing Santa loves much better, is a fried leg, off a frog,

Some people always scoff,

To take a frog leg off,

Mrs. Claus cuts off the frog legs, then throws the bodies to the dog.

CALL OF THE WEREWOLF

The howling of a wolf in the woods, filled my beastly, carnal heart's holes,

The howling was a call to the forest minions, to awaken werewolf souls,

The woods went darker, the sky grew bright,

A full moon lantern was the only light,

I started my venture into the night, hunting victims, to play out their roles.

VICTORIAN BLED

I went to see a horror movie called, "Victorian Bled",

In the movie people were bleeding out, until they were all dead,

The blood spirits had evil desires,

So, the blood was let out into fires,

The movie was really gory and stupid; that is enough, said.

I MOUTHED OFF AT A SANDWICH AND POP SHOP

I went downtown for a sandwich and cold pop,

It was gonna be just a one place, one stop,

The bathrooms, they stunk,

Like a roadkill skunk,

I complained to the owner, he called a cop.

JAIL FOOD, YUCK! BAR FOOD, YUMMY!

Thank goodness my dear, old auntie has posted my bail,

Spent yesterday and today, eating meals in the jail,

Yesterday, it was potatoes,

Today it was red tomatoes,

I'll now park on a barstool, and consume only ale.  

CHRISTMAS PAST, REMEMBERED BY A MAN

I liked to feed all the little squirrels shelled peanuts, all winter long,

I got my kids a cool Christmas present, a video game, called Pong,

I would've lounged around with the old wife,

But she was always busy with a sharp knife,

It's  Christmas in '79, when the world was not quite, so wrong.

REPURPOSING WOODEN FRUIT

I got a fruit basket from a friend, but the fruit was carved from wood,

I chewed and chawed, cut and stabbed, but for food, the fruit wasn't any good,

I stacked the fruit in a tall pyre,

Lit it with a kerosene fire,

I dumped on honey, ate the coals, and the food tasted like it should.

BIG SPLAT AND THE COYOTE

My parachute did not open, and now I'm just a mess,

I jumped from an airplane, and fell under a great duress,

I made an enormous, gross splat,

Like when my windshield hit that bat,

Will someone find me before the coyote?  Take a guess.

THE HEADLESS NIGHT TERROR

I saw a ghost in the hall, with a big sharp ax, and he was blood red,

He was dripping blood on my floor, and missing his natural, human head,

I said, "please, Mr. Ghost, go away,

I just cannot take this, today,"

The ghost lifted his ax; a voice filled the room, "I'm taking your head, hooray!"

COMPARISON TEA

A free green tea seems like a gift given, that is fair,

Brown tea is a great tea, but has the breath of a bear,

Chamomile is social,

Lemon tea, emotional,

I think I'll stick with green tea; the color I died my hair.

BFB AND DROOL

Everyday each year, I got bullied on the way to school,

The two big bullies were Big Fist Buster, and his sidekick, Drool,

First, Drool did his bad thing,

He drooled on my left wing,

Then BFB busted my right wing; methinks my casts were cool.

OH THE TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE, WHEN JUICY FLIES WE COULD RETRIEVE

Sneed was a spider, and a big, giant spider was Sneed,

He wrapped his webs throughout the house, for he was full of greed,

Greedy for the big, fat, flies,

Ones with eyeballs, full of eyes,

Sneed would suck out the juice from the flies; I couldn't watch the deed.