THE MAGIC FROG AND I

I was looking for some big frogs, to cut off their frog hind legs,

Those appendages taste delicious, when fried with scrambled, bird eggs,

I went down to the local town, frog pond,

Came upon a frog with a magic wand,

He turned me into a big fat fly; what for? The question begs.

FROM COD TO SOD

I am universally known as a fish, cod,

A fisherman caught me with a hook, line and rod,

Now, I'm a cod on a bun,

It is not very much fun,

After digestion, I'll fertilize some grass, sod.

TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE PILLS, OR YOU'LL END UP DEAD LIKE ME

First thing, I forgot to take my morning blood pressure pills,

I ended up cold dead, because of just mundane, life thrills,

A morning fight with my mate,

My subway train was real late,

At my job review, my boss said, I lacked critical skills,

THE CHORUS WITH BADGER BORIS

There once was a badger, he was called Boris,

He sang lead tenor in the forest chorus,

Big Uncle, Bird Buck

Sang baritone duck,

Bass vocals provided by the bull, Taurus.  

I HAVE THE RABIES, SO THIS DOG IS DONE

The kids all have measles, and they have to stay home,

Even poor, old grandpa has spots on his chrome dome,

Most of their doctors, say,

The spots will go away,

But, not so, the dog rabies, that make my lips foam.

DR. DAY AND MR. KNIGHT

I caught severe whooping cough, while sailing out on the bay,

I went to get a prescription from old Dr. Day,

He referred me to Mr. Knight,

Mr. Knight did not seem too bright,

But, Knight prescribed sucking cheese balls, and my cough went away.

PETS IN THE POOL

My piranha pets that I keep in my pool, needed desperately to eat,

I invited over my neighbor to swim; he was loaded with fatty meat,

The big neighbor jumped into the pool,

With the voracious piranha school,

My pets striped the man's bones of fatty meat, from his bald head to his little feet.

PARKER LIKED OYSTERS AND CLAIMS, BUT SNAILS WERE LESS CONFUSING

At the beach, sometimes Parker picked up oysters, sometimes Parker picked up clams,

Sometimes Parker noticed Davids, sometimes parker noticed Pams,

Parker didn't know what to do,

So, Parker said, "toot a loo",

Then Parker went up the beach to pick up snails, all of them were Sams. 

THERE BE SCABIES HERE

My little brother had itchy scabies, they were thick as they could be

I told my brother to stay away, and keep his scabies off of me,

If only took a few,

Now, I'm infected too,

Our mean, crazy sister got away from us by climbing up a tree.

FINGER STUBS AND MY RECKONING WITH CHOPIN

Chopin cut off all my fingers because of the noise I made,

He said no amount of his lessons would give my talent aid,

Now, with just my 10 finger stubs,

I work at the gym giving rubs,

I fixed Chopin; the last lesson he gave me, I never paid.

MASTERS OF THE CHEAT: WINNERS IN THE NEW ORDER

No good jobs, no work, no money to survive,

It is tough finding the stuff to stay alive,

But, while my honest soul grieves,

Neighbors rejoice, being thieves,

They spent their lives learning skills to cheat and kanive.

THE DRINKING SONG

I drank a soda pop, and was inspired, then I wrote some rhymes,

I sniffed an empty whiskey bottle, then wrote about crimes,

I drank an old, skunky beer,

And, wrote about hunting deer,

I drank a bottle of French wine, and I talked about my French times.

I THOUGHT I WAS IMPORTANT

I thought I was important, but  according to YouTube, I guess I'm not,

I am not as important as a small pool of blown, green eyed, dimpled snot,

Snot got 1 million likes; snot got 10 million views,

I got zero likes, and my views were in the 2's,

Snot lives in a mansion; I squat in a tent on a dead Kmart, back lot.

UNCLE LEE IN THE SALMON, AND A TREE IN THE DIRT

There was a big blue boat, the name was The Alfalfa Glee,

The boat went out racing around, and ran down Uncle Lee,

It chunked Lee right up,

Made him salmon sup,

There was no body to bury, so we planted a tree.

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THE SCIENCE PERSON WHO DISAPPEARED

I think that it's mysterious, diabolical and weird,

I only took one science class, and completely disappeared,

I do not know where I'm at

But, there is this talking cat,

He told me I had polio, at least that is what he heared. 

IN MY DREAM I AI FLY

If I could think like a humanoid AI,

I would be a much wealthier, well dressed guy,

I'd create me a honey,

I'd give my honey money,

We'd eat lobster and around the world we'd fly.

THE VAMPIRE DRINKS ON HOLIDAYS

The ginger boy was frightened, his hair turned from red to gray,

For he saw a wretched vampire, on St. Crispness Day,

The boy watched his sister,

Get a vampire neck twister,

After the vampire drank her blood, he just flew away.

THE BOUNTIFUL LIFE OF TOILET FLIES

The Flies stay in the bathroom, looking for something good to eat,

The flies smell sweetness in the toilet, and on the toilet seat,

And, under the toilet seat ring,

A feast befitting a fly king,

There's enough for his loyal minions, to feast upon the treat.

THE LOSER: I NEGOTIATED MY OWN RAISE

I once worked at a tourist diner, way down by the bay,

Tourists didn't tip very well, and I got very low pay,

So, the owner I would always bug,

Until, he gave me a coffee mug,

He let me drink free coffee, that's how he got me to stay.

THE GRISLY BEAR TRACKER

I went hunting and in the snow, I saw tracks so big, it was insane,

I was terribly shocked, and popped a massive vein in my hunter brain,

I knew right then and right there,

I'd be hunting grisly bear,

I stood there many minutes longer, then got hit by a choo choo train.