INTERNATIONAL SWEET PEAS, AND JANE

I went to Canada to pick delicious, sweet peas,

I don't like Florida peas, because they make me sneeze,

I popped over to Maine

Met my girlfriend, Jane,

We ate all my sweet peas, gained lots of weight, now we tease.

I VENT

My new cinnamon stick came out of the box, all bent,

Of course, back to the manufacturer it was sent,

In either coffee or tea,

A stick, shouldn't dissolve early,

And, I am so cruel,  I don't miss a chance to mean vent.

I CAME IN LAST IN THE TRUMPET BLOW

I played in the trumpet competition, and came in number nine,

My teacher said I sounded o.k., my mama said I did fine,

Being judged number nine out of eight,

Is a very hard to figure fate,

I think that the judges blended tequila, with their apple wine.

DOOMSCROLLING FOR VAMPIRES: GREEN TOOTH

I was doomscrolling for vampires, and found one with a long, green tooth,

He got it stuck in a catsup bottle, while in a restaurant booth,

It was his unlucky sup,

For the sun was coming up,😥

Vampires never survive, when the sunlight burns them; that is the truth.🌞

POACHING MY WAY TO JAIL

My dinner was a little fish, its corpse was flaky and tender,

I caught it out of season, so I am a poaching fish, offender,

Last night I ate a rabbit,

I poached it; a bad habit, 

Tuesday my crimes go before a judge, and to jail, he'll be my sender.

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HE FRANKED AROUND AND FOUND OUT

Frank was bald as a marble, yet coveted thick, long hair,

Frank was inspired, when he eye spied, Big Benny The Bear,

Frank went hunting for Benny,

The hair?  Frank didn't get any,

But, Benny with his claws, skinned Frank, and made skin underwear.

CASTOR BEANS, AND THE UNSPOKEN DRESS CODE

My neighbor's been living on castor beans, for about, the last couple of years,

He's had the chocolate, backdoor trots, as attested to by most of his peers,

His professional peers have suggested,

That my neighbor's diet, be divested,

Alas, for work, my neighbor used a large  plug, which allayed backdoor, display fears.

COLOR/COLOUR

Why do we spell colour/color in two completely, different ways,

I pine for that answer, before the dismal end, of my days,

In my school youth, I was often failed,

Expelled, I was violent, and jailed,

My life ruined because I spell colour/color, so teachers go craze.

I SPY ON THE KITTY

I launched a satellite into the sky,

I only launched it, so I could go spy,

I have a little, gray cat,

Never knew where she is at,

Now I know, and her privacy goes, bye.

MARS? DON'T GO THERE

I traveled to Mars, and there wasn't much scenery there,

Just a sickly coconut tree and a small koala bear,

No place good to eat,

No one served fresh meat,

There was a cheap, beauty shop, where they washed and permed my hair.

HEALTHY MIDNIGHT JAW EXERCISE

Twas the middle night, and I shorted the fridge a pepper, cabbage coleslaw,

I love eating vegetables late at night, but only ones that are raw,

I'll have two buttered buns,

Only big, puffy ones,

The buns and veggies I'll enjoy as a treat, and soft chew them with my jaw.

HARVEY HAS NO RIZZ

Harvey The Hobo,  had complete lack of normal, human rizz,

No one wanted to be a part, of Harvey's personal bizz,

Romantic? Harvey might just be,

If one likes itch bites, from a flea,

Nobody wants Harvey love; that's on my bingo card and quiz.

I ATE TOO MUCH AND GOT FAT

I have been eating the dogs and the cats,

And, the guano that falls from the cave bats,

I've eaten the things under logs,

Like bugs, snakes and frogs,

I've eaten so much, they're calling me, "Fats".

DOOMSCROLLING MILLIONAIRE

I've been hired as a doomscroller, on the World Wide Web,

The position makes me famous; I'll be a party celeb,

I'll crunch down, and forward my spine,

While watching the crazed ones, opine,

Then I'll comment for coffees, until the interest doth ebb.

DIGGING IN THE DARK, UP IN NOSTRIL PARK

My next door neighbor's index finger, got stuck in much deeper, than it looks,

My neighbor got caught digging out deep, dark boogers, using fingers for hooks,

He got caught red handed, and feels shame,

With only his nasty self to blame,

I bet he's the person at the library, wiping boogers in the books.

SQUAT AND FORAGE LIKE A MAN

I live in a dilapidated, housing den,

Along with 16 other homeless, hungry men,

We go to the zoo,

Eat animal poo,

Then rummage in garbage, after curfew, at ten.

THE PAISLEY DISEASE

I don't like paisley, because it reminds me of a skin disease,

Little kids get it in my family, when they are in their three's,

I see paisley shirts, suits and shoes, 

There are paisley, stuffed kangaroos,

But of course, paisley PJ's will camouflage, when somebody pees.

THE BEAR CLAW OF POWER

I wear a massive, lucky bear claw, around my scrawny neck,

I'm told it should be a rabbit paw, and I reply, "oh, heck".

A rabbit runs off to cower,

A bear stands stacked, with feared power,

To deal with enemies, I will make them a scarred, crapless wreck.

TOTALITARIAN SCIENCE FOR KIDS

My new teacher told me, the earth is flat and not round,

He said that is what long ago, our spaceships all found,

I told him that I would disagree,

The principal, I was sent to see,

I was afraid, confused, and my heart started to pound.

RURAL AMERICA, AND THE SWEET PEA WARS

Last night, someone grabbed all of my sweet pea vines, and jerked them down to the dirt, ground,

I am sure it was a human, because of all the scat, they left all around,

With a little scat here; with a little scat there,

They left their scat, most everywhere,

DNA shows it was my neighbor's poop, not from some hillbilly, hunting hound.