THE FLOWERLESS FLOWER MOON

I woke from sleep to see the Flower Moon,

I pierced through my window like the great sun at noon,

But, I saw no flowers,

Just star bunches and towers,

I'm thinking "weed" would be the moon's name in June.

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THE FIRST CONTACT HAIKU

Spacecraft, hovering, lands,

Open door, monster, ray gun,

Zap! Ouch! Alien probe! Ouch!!!

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MY ZAG AND MY ZIG AND MY JAZZ HARP GIG

I agreed with the highway when I made the zig,

I am afraid my zag was a mile too big,

My jeep made a fast roll,

I split body from soul,

I now play funky harp, when I get a jazz gig.

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POP ADDICTION

I went cold-freeze turkey,

Was muddled and murky,

I could never stop,

Drinking soda pop,

I'm now mean, and jerky. 

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THE CAVE OF GENTLE BEN, NOT!

Methinks that I heard a wren,

As I passed a forest glen,

I got very brave,

I entered a cave,

Found a bear, not Gentle Ben! 😦🤕

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THE PERCH THAT BEGGED HAD NO LEGS

The big perch I caught last night, had a big yellow belly,

His lips, tight as wires, and he was awfully smelly,

The perch begged and said, "Please, Please, Please,

If I had legs, I'd be on my knees,

Let me go and your kindness, I'll broadcast like a telly."

Epilogue

Fish tastes so good with lemon, and a dusting of white pepper and sea salt.

HOLLAND AND THE SWEATER COLORED KITTY

I went to Holland because in magazines it looks pretty,

Not the one overseas but, the one southwest of Bay City,

The tulips were the star,

I drank malt liqueur from a jar,

And, bought a sweater with colors matching my kitty.

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THE DISCOMFORT OF GAINING MASS

Jim's Twinkie was shrinking with every big bite,

As Jim's Twinkie was shrinking, Jim's belt grew more tight,

Jim just went to the store,

Bought Twinkies, many more,

Jim loosened his belt, until his belt felt just right.

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I RAN FOR OFFICE AND WON

I was on the down ballot, on the down ballot way down deep,

Running for the coveted office, listed as County Creep,

Unopposed was I,

But we had a tie,

A coin toss made me #1, #2 became my Veep.

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LATE DETENTION AND THE FLYING LEAP

My bus was late to Jefferson Junior High,

My teacher didn't care; he didn't even ask why?

He said he'd improve my rule retention,

With a month of late detention,

I told him he should go leap like a fly.

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DADDY SOLD MEDICAL SUPPLIES IV

We were so hungry, having absolutely no meat,

Daddy went looking for organs, to sell, or to eat,

Poor daddy worked on some guy,

When a police car passed by,

Now at the dinner table, is daddy's empty seat.

PICKLED EGGS AND SAUSAGES

I had pickled eggs and juicy pickled red hots,

I handle them just fine, but my dad gets the trots,

To put dad at ease,

I fed him some cheese,

That bound and gassed up his belly, now he farts lots.

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BIGGEST MUSHROOM FROM WEAR

Gary found a giant brown mushroom, sitting in a winged chair,

Gary figured the mushroom spore came from someone's underwear,

Gary loved mushrooms and rice,

He thought about it, and passed twice,

Gary took the mushroom, and won 1st prize at the county fair.

OLD JEFFREY IN THE MORNING

Jeff had two turkey sausages along with his tea,

He would of had eggs, but they disagree with Jeffrey,

Jeff did drink orange juice,

To keep his bowels loose,

OJ also gives old Jeffrey his vitamin C.

MISTY MAYLOX CLUBED AND DANCED

Misty Maylox made herself look very pretty,

She was going clubbing in the downtown city,

After drinking champagne and wine,

Misty danced really fine,

She staggered home singing a drinking late ditty. 

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FRIENDSHIP IS SKIN DEEP

I had a friend come over and they were very rich,

They still left bugs on my sofa and I caught their itch,

I sprayed the sofa down twice, 

Once for microbes, once for lice,

A friend that makes me itchy is a friend  I will ditch.

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TANK THE CAPTAIN

There once was a ship captain named Tank,

Every ship he commanded he sank,

He ruined his career,

Because he could learn to steer,

Now he sails without any rank rank.

THE PARTY PIG AND THE PIE

Jon took his two favorite fingers, and stuck them deep in the pie,

Someone caught him committing the crime, with their big green watery eye,

Jon dripped cherry filling on his clothes

Then someone popped him in the nose,

They said he was a disgusting pig, and he'd better go bye, bye.

A SQUARE MEAL FOR A FLY

I made a bread sandwich, included tomatoes and cheese,

I made a fruity desert, included honey from bees,

I made a coffee to drink,

Drank antacid that was pink,

I then left for the big airport for my flight overseas.

WORK A LOT, SLEEP A LOT

I washed my dishes, my laundry, my car, ta-da,

I polished the silver and wiped off the bar, rah-rah,

But, work is a trap,

Leads to an afternoon nap,

I awoke to see the big Northern Star, wah-wah.

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STICKER TICKER SHOCK

I went to buy meat and was shocked by the sticker,
The price was so high that it shut down my ticker,
When revived, I went to the bar,
And received one more jar,
At the price I was charged for my liquor.

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TRIPPING BOARD ON MARS

I snuck onboard a counting down spaceship, that was heading into space,

I didn't know where I was going, but I knew it was a better place,

The spaceship took me up to Mars,

Where there's no pop or candy bars,

The only thing there is to do on Mars, is walk back and forth, and pace.

KOKOMO JOE

There was something in my closet staring,

A shiny jacket the thing was wearing,

It was my brother Joe,

Lives down in Kokomo,

It seems brother Joe had lost his bearing. 

LAST NIGHT MY POT CRACKED-Haiku

Last night my pot cracked,
Kiln too hot, clay unworked, oops,
Good gift for grandma.

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KITE ON A WIRE

I went outside to fly my brand new red kite,

It kept crashing, because it was so darn light,

I flew it on a wire,

Lightning struck, it taught fire,

My tennis shoes melted, and now they're too tight.

PROPERTY TAXES ARE DUE

My property taxes are awfully darn high,

I think I'll be moving way up into the sky,

Get a copter I could repair,

Then I'll hover up in the air,

If they send me a tax bill, I'm asking them "why"?

THE SHARK AND I REMEMBERED

When I fell off the majestic Mackinac bridge,

I slammed into the cold water, and it was fridge,

The water broke, hark!

It was a bull shark,

I remembered my family photo with ex-wife Midge.

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I SAW A NO.HAIR BEAR

When I was little, I saw a bear,

He was full of stuffing and had no hair,

He slept with me in bed,

Up by my baby head,

So all the wild monsters, he would scare.

STUPID LIMERICKS, APRIL FOOL'S

There once was a fool named April May,

A first cousin to Monday Tuesday,

They would together ice skate,

Until they each found a mate,

Two bothers called Wednesday and Thursday.

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THE PEEP CREEPS ARE COMING

The thing about the marshmallow peeps,

When I'm shopping them, I shop for keeps,

The day that comes after Sunday,

Is the day they call Monday,

When they mark down the peeps for us creeps.

EATING OUT CHEAP

I went to a real cheap restaurant, and it was all you could eat,

You had to wash your own dishes, and wipe down your table and seat,

They served macaroni and rice,

Very stale white bread, a thin slice,

They had a white sausage gravy, but it smelled like my sister's feet.

MY CHEESE EATING BUNNY

I have a cute bunny rabbit that only eats real cheddar cheese,

The bun barges into the fridge and takes it, never saying please,

I am a total mute,

Because bunny is cute,

I will never criticise bunny, because bunny is the bees knees.

EASTER BUNNY RABBIT FRAUD

The Easter Bunny was nasty, and left me just plastic eggs,

Those hard, plastic knock-offs, were never between a chickens legs,

The candy left in the eggs seemed real mean,

Leftover candy corn from Halloween?

What did  Bun do with the Easter funds, that's what the question begs?

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DON'T EAT THE PRETTY THINGS

As I walked to the store, I picked a pretty flower,

I chewed it in my mouth, and it tasted very sour,

Someone said, "should have left it be,

You just tasted new doggy pee",

I hurried home and rinsed my mouth out for an hour.

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