THE HIGH PRICE OF PANCAKES

For five-hundred dollars I bought a pancake making machine,

I used the money I got from selling my precious spleen,

But, it required special flour shipped from Sydney,

So, I had to sell my favorite kidney,

And, give up the knighthood I received from the queen.

GENIUS EQUIVALENT TO A STROKE

My nest egg is just a big joke,

I have an eggshell but, not the white nor the yoke,

I bought and I sold,

Many investment ideas that I was told,

Were the equivalence of some genius stroke.

I CAUGHT THE ITCH AT THE GROCERY STORE

I searched for a great bargain price,

On cereal that was a poofed kind of rice,

I found nothing cheap,

So I stormed home in my jeep,

Scratching my hairs that incubated head lice.

MY LAST STOP, THE HOBBY SHOP (I shopped till I was dropped dead)

I have a hobby,

So I went to a Lobby,

The store clerks were snobby

At the checkout, I got robby,

I became very sobby,

They called in a bobby,

He cracked me on the knobby,

Then said that was his jobby,

 Cause he served the Lobby, 

And out oozed my brains.

SANTA PICKS HIS TEETH LIMERICK

Santa ran out of fish bones and he couldn't pick his teeth,
So, he pulled out some needles from a Christmas pine wreath,  
But, Santa had acidic spittle,
Which made the pine needles brittle,
And, they wouldn't dig out the food underneath.

THE TRAIN, BRAIN AND CHEAP RENT GAIN

Next door there was this train,
It's tooter hurt my little brain,
But, my rent was real cheap,
Apartment easy to keep,
Thus, my bank account had a small gain.

IT EATS

It eats the bird, it eats the beast,

It eats the critter that smells the least,

It eats the bugs, it eats the dragon,

It eats vehicles called Volkswagen,

Upon them all my goat do feast.

FISHING DARK AND DEEP

I went fishing on a lake dark and deep,

Then through the floor water started to seep,

I didn't have a pail,

So I really  couldn't bail,

I sank calmly without even a peep. 

THE SEEDS OF WEEDS

The seeds of weeds have taken their toll,

They've seeded the great hills and the big valley bowl,

Of course, now the lawns are all weedy,

Because the weed descendants are greedy,

Now, finding grass is finding diamonds in coal.

I HAVE A ROOMMATE WHO DOES NOT LIKE TO FLUSH

I have a roommate who does not like to flush,
It makes me sick when my teeth I must brush,
I hope and I pray,
He moves out one day,
If he doesn't I'll become a lush.

OLD FASHIONED YARD JARTS WITH THE LONG, POINTY SPEAR

I went to the third moon of OOh-OOh to play professional yard jarts,

It's played at nightfall, at least that's when the tournament starts,

Each jart has a fifteen foot spear,

Sharp enough to take down a big deer,

During tournament, you'd best look out for your parts. 

THE MUM SUM LIMERICK

There was this person, a mum,

She had troubles doing a subtraction or sum,

She counted her kids more than thrice,

Made 6 Bowles of beans &  fried rice,

The kids she missed summing, got gum.

WOODSTOVE POISION GAS HAIKU

Woodstove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, woodstove top, melt,
FLAMES, SMOKE,  POISOIN GAS ..

MY CREDIT CARD CHARGE IS FIFTY PERCENT-Limerick

My credit card charge is fifty percent,
When I pay it I get kind of all bent,
With all the bank fees,
I'm down on my knees,
Even on savings they charge me for rent.

YIPPEE, KY, YEH IN SPACE

I boarded my spacecraft with my dog Yippee who, eats pie, 

Then right behind us were my doggies Yeh and Ky,

Yippee, Ky, Yeh,

We all flew away,

Towards the stars and the wonders in the sky. 

71822

RIPTIDE HAIKU

Swimming in big lake,
Riptide pulls me out, can’t swim,
Drowning in big lake.

THEY CALL ME FLASHLIGHTER

I cannot seem to ever obtain,

Fuel for my lighter that flash burns butane,

So I tried a fuel that was clean,

It was high octane gasoline,

I now live in an asylum for the  insane.