THE DANGER OF WINTER KITING

February kiting is quite the odd sight to see,

People pretending spring is here, and we are snow free,

The fancy kites fly way high,

In the cold, windy, blue sky,

Kiters may get a frozen nose, of those, some might die.

I CREMATED SAM, AND DUMPED HIM

I crawled inside the old dog coup, because I miss my dear, old, pal, Sam,

I even licked his dish out, it hated like his favorite food, Spam,

I went back inside the mourning, sad house,

I gave a big sloppy kiss to my spouse,

Then we went down to the river and dumped his ashes, where dear Sam swam.

I DIED LICKING MY FINGERS

I go out to the old, bright, red barn, and I find a dead chicken,

The dead chicken is bloated, half rotted, I eat him, I sicken,

I take a big chance,

On my grave ya'll dance,

The chicken might have been spoiled, but it was still finger lickin'.

FOOD TASTES CHANGE, EXCEPT FOR CHICKEN NUGGETS

I dreamed of ancient Egyptian symbols, dancing across my brain, 

They transported me back in time to an Egyptian pharaoh's rein,

He asked if I brought some chicken nugs,

I said no, so we chowed down on bugs,

Then I went back to my own time, and suffered indigestion pain.

TRIG 101 AT COMMUNITY COLLEGE

I sat in trig class next to beautiful, Jennifer Warts,

On my other side, sat the infamous, Dick Caleb Swartz,

We were in college to learn,

So, the big bucks we could earn,

Swartz likes adjusting his ring, made of zirconia quartz.

WHEN IT COMES TO SEPTIC TANKS, I'M THE LAW

I signed up to run for politics, but the voters did not like me much,

They said my ideas were crazy, and with working folk, I was out of touch,

I still won the big election,

To do septic tank inspection,

I was the only candidate for Septic Inspector, a lawman, as such.

BULKING UP

I went online and ordered way too much stuff, in great bulk,

The bank put a hold on my checking account, now I sulk,

Couldn't pay my gas bill,

Now I sit in a chill,

I canceled my gym membership; guess I won't be a hulk.

THE CONQUISTADORS FROM PLANET EARTH

We're launching our great spacecraft, out to claim planets of the nearest stars,

I'm working with a new AI co-pilot, his name is, "Blast E'm" Lars,

There's six decks of cows to eat,

Warriors love their red, raw meat,

We ate a thousand cows, when we destroyed the empire, found on Mars.

I TICKLE MY LEMONADE: THE ENTREPRENEUR WARS

I tickle my fabulous, street lemonade, with a few drops of bee honey,

That is why my fresh, sweet lemonade stand, always makes big gross profit, money,

Harvey, markets lemonade next door,

Buys powdered lemonade at the store,

His lemonade is watery and thin, mine is thick and viscous, not runny.

WE SMELL LIKE WHAT WE EAT

I took my blind date out to an expensive restaurant, to eat,

After we each sat down, I noticed she had very stinky feet,

Please, no food for me,

I just ordered tea,

She ordered an all you can eat platter of pigs feet, spicy meat.