NOEL'S IMMORTALITY FOUND BY APPROACHING LIGHT SPEED

Because the dreaded unknown conjures great fears,

Noel wanted to live for billions of years,

He came up with a plan,

To become an immortal man,

Gaining wealth while others were losing their tears, 

Noel sent rockets into outer space, 

Faster rockets was in Noel's plan, the base,

If fast enough they could go,

The future Noel would soon know,

Immortality exits in the future place.

I RENTED A COTTAGE

At 5'8" I hit my head on the stoop,

Then, I just started to recoup,

At a weight of pounds 144,

I fell through the bad floor,

And, went swimming in a basement full of poop.

SPRING: BUGS, SNAKES, EAGLES AND CAKES

Spring is when the bugs and snakes,

Wake up to hunt the foods each takes,

Melted highways will reveal their woe,

Revealing critters that moved much too slow,

Eagles feast on thawed meat cakes.  

ZELDA THREE BEAST

Zelda is the creature who I want to see the least,

Because, depending upon how I approach her she becomes a different beast,

From the front she is a tiger who will bite off all my face,

From the back she is a bear who will rip my guts out like fine lace,

From the sides she is a rattlesnake who will bite into my knee,

I think avoiding Zelda is the plan best laid out for me.

WHY MARS INVADES

I didn't see it coming, that is, the invasion from Mars,

I was busy canning tomatoes in wide mouth mason jars,

The Martian army was sent,

Because their king was quite bent,

Because I exported my tomatoes on out to the stars.

WHEN FANCY PANTS CAN'TS CAVORT

Jim's fancy pants were way too short,

So on the dance floor Jim couldn't cavort,

Too tight for friend, Willy,

The pants were deemed silly,

Jim was banned from the bar and the entire resort.

THE GLAD, THE BAD AND THE PEPPER TUSH LIMERICK

Two twin green peppers grew on a bush,
One got rotten and turned into mush,
The good pepper was glad,
That the other went bad,
Because that gave him more room for his tush. 

 

WHEN THE SPRINGS POP LIMERICK

George had two springs pop up in his bed,
One stabbed him in the back the other in the head,
George’s mind filled with doom,
So he ran from his bedroom,
A few more stabbings and he thought that he’d be dead.

THE BALLAD OF BILLY DEED

This is the story of Billy Deed,
He was in a giant pickle,
Billy Deed was a pickle seed,
He froze and became a pickle-sickle

In the spring when he thawed out,
He thought he'd get his chance,
But, a pickle seed when it's thawed out,
Is a favorite food of ants.

I FUNDED METER MARY'S RETIREMENT

Meter Mary had power to wield,

She left a time ticket upon my windshield,

For the time that I had was expired,

From that ticket Meter Mary retired, 

Investing in bonds that had a very high yield.

THE THING THAT MAKES ME SAD

Watching the sun made my vision real bad,
Loud music made me deaf and mom mad,
Poor posture my neck ache,
Poor diet made my leg break,
But, it's world news that makes me feel sad.

THE SMELL OF THE SELF-STICKING STAMPS

The glue that was used on my self-sticking stamps,
Smelled kind of funny so I shared it with gramps,
Then, gramps gave it a lick,
And, I said "that's just sick,"
Then, old grandpa bent over with cramps.

ONWARD DEATH DIMENSION

In the end there is no end, just a silent tuning fork,

Like a wine bottle once opened up, you can't appease with cork,

So, oft we go,

We loose all we know,

Of tensions, time and tork.

I only wish that I could have,

More cheese and bacon pork,

MISSY TRIED TO PLAY THE FRENCH HORN

Missy tried to play the French horn,
But the music was so forlorn,
It wasn’t just sad,
It was ugly and bad,
It’s too bad the French horn was born.

UNCLE EMIL SERVED RAW CHICKEN TO THE KING

Uncle Emil raised big chickens,
Then, roasted them for the king’s court,
One day he did not clean them well,
And, the king put Emil on report,

The king’s men took old Uncle Emil away,
No one has seen him since that time,
It seems giving the king a bad belly ache,
Is a very treasonous crime?

Now I have taken up Uncle Emil’s job,
But, the king eats fish and chickens no more,
Today I served up some tainted raw fish,
Just to settle up Uncle Emil’s score.

MY CHAINSAW WOULDN'T START

I needed firewood but my chainsaw wouldn't start,
So, I used a screwdriver and took it apart,
But, I could not make it run better,
Because I couldn't get it together,
It's like mechanics is some kind of an art.

MY LITTLE BUG NAMED ROVER

My little bug named Rover,
Decided he'd find a clover,
A bird overflew,
The bird gave Rover a chew,
My new little bug is named Grover.

TAMMY WAS CURSED BY A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER-Limerick

Tammy was chugging vodka and apple cider,
When she swallowed a cursed black widow spider,
It bit her in the throat,
She then started to bloat,
Now, she eats all the flies that land beside her.

I ALWAYS ENTER THE FOREST PREPARED

When I enter the forest I'm always prepared,

I'm ready to run for I keep myself scared,

And, I never fail,

To find the bunny trail,

Where wolves lie with their great big teeth bared. 

ODE TO THE MONSTERS OF BLING

Watch out for monsters, they'll steal all your bling,

They ripped out my piercing and gnawed off my ring,

And my bracelet of gold,

Was ripped off and then sold,

And my pocket gold tick tock was my last golden thing.

A TRACTOR ON THE HIGHWAY

I did not see the lawnmower, nor the fence nor the car,

Now my old farm tractor lies in bits on the highway tar,

I run over things instead of making passes,

Because I need to always wear my glasses,

So, instead of plowing up my field I'm sitting at the bar.

MY PYTHON LIMERICK

My python has just slithered away,
Now, out in the Florida swamps she will play,
Warning:  my snake is a hater,
So, beware alligator,
You might be her dinner today.

I FOUND ZOMBIES IN MY SWIMMING POOL

I found several zombies swimming in my swimming pool,
Their arms were eaten off so their swim style was not cool,
Like dead fish in my fish tank,
They floated to the surface and stank,
But, they were too big to flush down the toilet stool.

SALLY WAS CHASED BY A WILD PIG

Sally was being chased through the woods by a wild bore with tusks,
She figured he was attracted to her deodorant which smelled like musk,
She knew he was like all other pigs,
Even if they dressed well, with nice digs,
They were just beast occupying fancier husks.

THE PUDDLE WITH THE ARK

I walked in the woods and found a puddle with an ark,

And, floating there all crowed was a big piece of bark,

It held ants, worms and centipedes,

And, insect eggs that looked like seeds,

All waiting the puddle to vanish so their ride could then park. 

 

SAMMY'S SAUSAGE MALFUNCTION

Sammy ate pork sausage not quite done,

He ate it anyway because he had to run,

But it was not funny,

When the pork came out runny,

While Sammy was meeting with his big bosses son.

MAGGIE THE PIG THAT SUED

Maggie was a pig, who liked to really sue,
If you looked at her wrong your court date was due,
She would haul you in,
Accuse you of sin,
And take all that you accrue.

Maggie was an evil pig,
She liked to pick you pocket,
If you accused her of her gig,
She'd sue you on the court docket.

Maggie the pig was a schemer,
She was a conniving dreamer,
She would take you to court,
Then there she’d report,
You owed her your blood and your femur.

GLENDORA THE SPIDER MONSTER: A FOREST FABLE

Glendora was a spider monster who lived in a forest cave. Glendora was the only spider monster in the forest and that made Glendora very unhappy. She saw that all the other creatures in the forest had creatures like themselves to hang out with. Glendora felt alone and friendless. This made Glendora become jealous of the other animals that had friends and were happy.

Glendora was a spider over six feet tall and a lot of the forest creatures were intimidated by the large bulky spider. Glendora would always scowl at the other animals that approached her so it was soon common knowledge that Glendora wanted nothing to do with her fellow forest creatures.

One day Glendora decided to make the other animals in the forest feel some of her unhappiness. Glendora decided she would sneak up behind the smaller creatures and scare them. The first animals Glendora decided to scare were the chipmunks. Glendora quietly worked her way up behind a pair of chipmunks that were busily filling their cheeks with acorns. Just as Glendora came within a few feet of the chipmunks Glendora suddenly let out a fierce roar. The roar startled the little chipmunks so much that the acorns they were carrying in their cheeks popped out of their mouths.

Although the chipmunks had received quite a scare they did not stay frightened for long. Once they realized that the monster that had roared at them was Glendora the spider their fear turned to disgust. The chipmunks realized that spiders don’t eat chipmunks but live primarily on flies and other insects. “Glendora, why did you scare us like that?” The chipmunks asked angrily.

Glendora made no reply but just turned away from the chipmunks laughing heartily as she walked away. It seems that scaring the little chipmunks did make Glendora feel better. But, the good feeling Glendora had because of the fright she had given the chipmunks passed quickly. As Glendora walked along and realized that she was still alone. So then she felt just as bad as she did before she scared the chipmunks.

As Glendora walked through the forest she continued to feel bad but suddenly, Glendora spotted a pair of rabbits so she crept up on them and let out a great roar just a few feet from the little bunnies. The rabbits were surprised and jumped several feet in the air. Then, the rabbits saw that it was Glendora the spider monster that made the great roar and the bunnies were now much more angry than frightened. “Glendora, why did you roar and try to frighten us?” asked the rabbits.

Glendora felt really good once again and just turned away from the rabbits while laughing uncontrollably. It wasn’t long however, before Glendora started to feel bad again. This bad feeling lasted until Glendora came upon a pair of otters. Once again Glendora scared the small animals and laughed after scaring the creatures. Glendora decided to continue to scare the animals of the forest everyday that way she would at least feel good for a while. Glendora soon became a real pariah in the forest and no one wanted her around. All the animals disliked how she was always trying to scare them.

Glendora kept up her reign of scaring the forest animals for several months. But, one day Glendora woke up and felt very ill. It seemed that she had comve down with a terrible virus that made here very sick. Glendora was so sick she could not even leave her cave to catch flies to eat let alone go off through the forest scaring her animal neighbors.

After Glendora had been hold up in her caves for several days all the forest creatures that she had been harassing by sneaking up on them and roaring, began to wonder what had happened to her. After a while they became concerned that something had happened to Glendora and since Glendora was all alone maybe someone should go and check up on her. Finally, all the forest animals made their way to Glendora’s cave. Several of them brought along some flies and some fruit in case Glendora needed food and something to drink. None of the animals knew what they would find when they arrived at Glendora’s cave.

When the animals entered Glendora’s cave they found the once powerful spider monster down in bed. Glendora was very ill and had not been able to get food or anything to drink for several days. “What are you doing here?” Glendora asked.

“We haven’t seen you for days and we were concerned,” chirped a tiny chipmunk. “We thought we had better check on you to make sure that you’re all right.”

Glendora could not believe what she was hearing. “But I’m not one of you,” Glendora said. “I’m not like any of you.”

“But you are one of us,” said the little chipmunk. “You live in the forest with the rest of us. Your one of our neighbors. We are all like one big family that looks out for each other.”

Glendora suddenly felt a lot better. She realized that she had friends and neighbors and although she had been acting badly her friends and neighbors came to help her out. Glendora was not alone anymore. Soon, Glendora was over her illness and she became close friends with the other forest creatures. Glendora realized you didn’t have to associate with just those who look like you to have close friends. Friends can look very different and act very different than you.

JIM'S PICKUP SLID RIGHT OFF THE ROAD-Limerick

Jim's pickup slid right off of the road,
It was a wreck and had to be towed,
Jim's car would not start,
Nor would his golf cart,
So he hitchhiked and that's how he goed.

PETE THE MICHIGAN WATER BUG LIMERICKS

Old Pete was a Michigan water bug,
He didn’t swim fast but, went chug, chug, chug,
He didn’t have any job where he had to be,
He could swim slowly ’cause he was free,
Just like his land friend Andy the Slug.

Pete the water bug swam out to sea,
He decided Michigan was no place to be,
Taxes were too high,
Benefits were cut to die,
Pete was eaten by an ocean fishy.
 

A WEASEL NAMED WILLIE

There was a weird weasel named Willie,
When seen he'd often seem silly,
He'd bark like a dog,
Then, grunt like a hog,
And, dress in a skirt like aunt Millie.

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN

My time machine broke down in the late middle ages,

That was the most backward of human historical stages,

They over used the word "hath",

And, no one at all took a bath,

So, they all stunk be they kings, squires or pages.
 

THE CINNAMON BUN AND MY STAIN

I served punch in my fanciest bowl,

In the bottom the bowl had a hole,

That's where my punch would drain,

On ma's carpet, it left a big stain,

I took comfort with a cinnamon roll.

MY COLD ZONE FROSTY CONE

I had but one small frosty cone,

I saved it for a heatwave yet unknown,

Then when the temps made a big jump,

And heated up my small dump,

My cone put me in the coolest cold zone.

YOUR TRAILER, MY FAILURE, YOU LOSE

Well, I have some really bad news,

In your trailer I put in the wrong fuse,

I didn't expect all the fire,

From every electrical wire,

I'm sure the charred rubble you'll want to peruse.