PEOPLE HAVE FLAVOR

People have flavor,
People taste just like chicken,
A real treat for bears.

THE ANGELS OF HO

Back in the season of Ho, Ho, Ho,

I made some angels in the snow,

Now spring is here,

My angels disappear,

Wherever they've gone I don't know.

WENDELL HAD A WOOD STOVE

Wendell installed a wood stove,
It burned down half his house,
He could have lived in the other half,
But, he was kicked out by his spouse,

Wendell lived out on the street,
He was not so very fine,
He lost his shoes and had bare feet,
But, was comforted with wine,

Wendell had it really good,
But, made a really big mistake,
So, if your heat source uses wood,
Install it right for goodness sake.

SQUEAKY TIRE

My front tire started to squeak,
I thought it was just a slow leak,
But, as I zoomed down the highway,
My tire rolled down a byway,
Then, my accident came to a peak.
 

I WENT TO CANADA AND BOUGHT A BIGFOOT

I went to Canada and bought a Bigfoot,
I brought it home for my mom and my dad,
I thought it would keep them company,
But, they said I had done really bad,

The Bigfoot I bought was not house trained,
And, it would not stay in the yard or the barn,
It broke down the house door and came inside,
Both my parents both screamed “Oh gosh darn!”

The big foot ate all of the stew up,
And, it drank all my dad’s homemade beer,
I guess buying a Bigfoot was a screw-up,
Then, he nibbled on dear old dad’s ear,

My dad started to remember his old dog Frank,
And, how he loved drinking dad’s homemade beer,
The Bigfoot stunk just like his old dog Stank,
Dad proclaimed “the Bigfoot stays right here”,

So, my parents kept the Bigfoot they called Frank
They seemed to have no more concerns,
It’s good my gift had a number one rank,
Because where I bought it they take no returns.

THE PIMPLED GOT PIMPLE CREAMED

Jim got pimpled on his face,

He got pimpled on his back,

He got pimpled on his arms and legs,

Then, came rebellion, attack,

Jim applied some pimple cream,

He applied some pimple suave,

He sat in hot tub steam,

Soon, no pimples did Jim have,

Jim picks on the pimple challenged,

Those less fortunate than he,

Although he knows the cure is simple,

Just practice pimple cream piety. 

 

I WISH I WAS A LUCKY LARRY

Larry was a high school hero,

Who had an ego as big as Nero,

He said he'd live off his good looks,

And, never bother with the books,

He now has billions, while I have zero.

PP03252022

 

THE BASE GUITAR LIMERICK

Leroy played the base guitar,
But, the sounds he made were so bizarre,
His band gave him the boot,
Now, he’s a bitter old coot,
Playing for tips left in his mason jar.

FROSTBITE, MY WINTER FRIEND

Frostbite was my winter friend,

It made my fingers numb,

But, when I stayed out in the cold too long, 

My family called me dumb,

Now, frostbite has never derided me,

Nor, been real hostile to make me feel bad,

Just because I'm the only one who cannot ski,

Except for great, great, great, great granddad,

Now, frostbite caused me to lose an arm,

Along with both rows of toes,

When I was found they said I had about bought the farm,

Then, they cut off my puggy nose,

I'm not sure all that knifery was needed,

I'm not a doctor, I just love a good dare,

And, while cutting me cleanliness was not heeded,

So, I bid farewell for wellness I didn't fare.    

I SCARE MY DOG WITH AIDA BY VERDI LIMERICK

My dog has become quite the scaredy,
He hides when I play Aida by Verdi,
As the trumpet march solo begins,
My dog's on needles and pins,
Then I step to an opera march parody. 

CURSED

Everyone always tells me that life is easy as a breeze,

But I'm always living with war, petulance, famine and disease,

Maybe I have gloomy rhymes,

But I'm always living in real bad times,

Whatever evil spirit cursed me, I wish I could appease.

THE END OF THE UNIVERSE AND ME

What if the universe runs out of time,
Can I still eat my beef that is labeled as prime?
Can I admire my gardens of veggies and flowers?
Or, nip away at cheap whisky I flavor with sours?
When the universe ends for all these things I will pine,
So, I'll now increase consumption so at the end I won't whine.

THE BIGFOOT AT MY TRAILER DOOR

A Bigfoot knocked on my trailer door,
When I didn’t let him in he gave off a roar,
I made him bacon and eggs,
He still broke my legs,
Those Bigfoots make me real soar.

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MY BLOG IS ALL POOPY

I blog about this, I blog about that,

I know I've been blogging too long, when I blog about scat,

Because nobody cares,

About the poop from the bears,

Or the texture of guano from a bug eating bat.

THE CLOUD COMPUTING LIMERICK

I'm computing way up in a cloud,
It's the new thing and I'm feeling new-proud,
But I worry each day,
If I'm one click away,
Of my info sent far and made loud. 

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MARTY THE DANCING POOCH

Marty was a dancing pooch,
He would dance but demanded hooch,
For imported ale,
He’d just wag his tail,
For bourbon he’d dance hootchy-kootch.

THE BALLAD OF BUGSY LEE

Bugsy Lee liked to drive too fast,
His car slid off the road,
He hit a tree and skinned his knee,
And, scared away a toad.

Bugsy got a real big fine,
He ended up in court,
His big fine he could not pay,
He owed too much child support.

When Bugsy Lee ended up in jail,
He realized he couldn't win,
He spent his life as he willed,
So, all he did was sin.

In jail Bugsy met a guy named Stan,
He was Bugsy's only friend,
They talked a lot about their past,
Bugsy got it in the end.

THE THREE WISE WATERMELONS?

Three watermelons sat in one garden spot,
They were out in the sun and wow was it hot,
To cool down one used a lotion,
Another moved to the ocean,
The third got skin disease and rind rot.