THE PERPETRATOR HAD WINGS

I have a sneaky canary named Chirp,

He steals things, so he is a perp,

He stole my popcorn,

For his cage, to adorn,

I locked his cage; he hated it, the twerp

FREE CANDY CANES ARE NOT ALWAYS FREE

I love to get free candy canes everywhere I go,

But, now most stores don't give them out, 

So, my stash stays pretty low,

Of course, I can go to grandmas and pick them off her tree 

But, if she catches me she spanks me on her gnarled knee,

Now, I am nearly forty and grandma's ninety-three,

I just hope she don't hurt her hip, when lambasting little me.

PP122318

   

WHAT I'VE DONE SENCE COLLEGE

I studied corporate finance, also quantum physics two,

I got a job in banking, managed money, for people like yew,

Then the securities market tanked

My security licence was yanked,

Now I'm in a federal prison, but I got a window view.

MY BODY PARTS 4 SALE 💰

My bill collectors suggested, I sell my kidney and my spleen,

They said they were trying to help me, and not trying to be mean,

So, I sold a kidney and two toes,

Paid some bills to ease my woes,

Then I got an infection, because the doctor was not so clean.

THE MR. MUGGER TALE

Mr. Mugger had some debt,
He had bills he could not pay,
He figured he was really set,
‘Till he lost his job one day,

Mr. Mugger lost his house,
He even lost his car,
He only had his darling spouse,
She met another at a bar,

Mr. Mugger sat on a rock,
That overlooked the bay,
Mr. Mugger didn’t own a sock,
His feet got cold that day,

His belly growled really loud,
He had no money to eat,
He had sold his socks and overcoat,
He was living on the street,

Mr. Mugger turned to crime,
He figured he had nothing to loose,
But, when he got a little cash,
He just spent it all on booze,

Mr. Mugger ended up in jail,
That is the place he really should be,
With three squares how could he fail?
Better warm and full than free.

FOLLOW THE YELLOW, SICK TOAD

Some guy got lost way out in my woods,

We robbed him, we were dressed with yellow hoods,

I told him, "follow my bro, The Toad",

"He knows the way to the main road,

Toad is always sick, because he don't bath like he shoulds."

THE POOR ON POOR DINE, MY NEIGHBORHOOD IN DECLINE

Things are real fine in my far neighbor's hood,

The people live within fences, and behave really good,

But where I work, live and stay,

We got the low, low, low pay,

So people have perm borrowed things, when they could.

EMBEZZLEMENT SHOT THE SHERIFF JOB DOWN

I'm running for sheriff and I think I already lost,

I got arrested seven times and I'm sure that'll cost,

As an accountant I get no thanks,

I've been embezzling banks,

My trial starts in spring and will end before last frost.

PORCH PIRATE HIDE AND SEEK

I spied a pirate on my porch, and he was a sneak,

Before he grabbed my package, he took a gallon leak,

It was the pirate's fate,

The package had great weight,

The pirate could not run fast, and will play justice hide and seek.

ODE TO THE MONSTERS OF BLING

Watch out for monsters, they'll steal all your bling,

They ripped out my piercing and gnawed off my ring,

And my bracelet of gold,

Was ripped off and then sold,

And my pocket gold tick tock was my last golden thing.