I ACCOMPANIED WITH MY TOOTER

I was lying around the hotel, and Diego rang,

He wanted me to do some tooting trumpet while he sang,

I of course replied, "yes, yes"',

The display was a success,

I brought a firecracker, so we ended going, BANG!

HE ATE ANKLE AND GOT PAINTED

There was a strange maniac, who lived under Chester's stuffed couch,

When Chester sat down, he bit Chester's heel, and Chester cried, "Ouch!"

Chester got his paintball gun,

That maniac took a run,

The maniac got painted pretty; the neighbors would vouch.

GOURD OF THE EYES

I bought a big gourd for the holidays, it was full of guys,

They were ugly, little gnarly bugs, with great big bulging eyes,

The bugs attacked, and devoured me,

Except in my brain, they raised larvae,

Hoping their baby gnarly bugs, would eat brains and turn out wise. 

SANTA WENT DOWN THE MOUNTAIN

Elves make a tasty, magic beer,

That Santa over intakes, I fear,

He slammed a mountain, with his sleigh,

Broke all the new toys, made that day,

Now, Santa is missing, oh dear.

THE PENGUIN AND HIS PIGS

We were once bestest friends, the penguin and I,

I'd lift him up, and he'd pretend he could fly,

Then he ran off with my sweetie,

Far away to Tahiti,

Last I heard, they were raising pigs in Dubai.

THE PENGUIN AIN'T NO FRIEND OF MINE

There once was a penguin, his name was Charlie,

He wasn't my friend, he stole my Harley,

He stole my babe too,

On my porch, thru poo,

He brews nasty beer, too cheap to buy barley.

THE HALLOWEEN GHOST-FISH

I ate for dinner a Halloween ghost-fish,

It had flavor, but it had no nutrish,

Although, it tasted like salmon,

It did not ease my famine,

But, my cat still licked clean my fish dish.

SONNY DUG MARS

Old Sonny went to mars to dig in the soil,

Everyone called him a crazy old moil,

But he found in his ditch,

The stuff that makes all men rich,

His ditch filled up with grade A crude oil.

THE SHINY, PRETTY THING I KILLED

I observed a shinny, pretty flower,

I feared a big, ugly bug might devour,

So I got some bug spray,

And, I sprayed away,

The flower was dead, within an hour.

THE LITTLE GREEN WARLOCK STAIRS

A little green warlock, lived at the top of my stairs,

He refused to go outside, because of the big bears,

I said just cast a spell,

Send the bears off to dwell,

To a land where there's plenty of fish, honey, and pears.

THIS IS MY MOMMY'S HOUSE, SO GET LOST

I kicked them completely, out of my mommy's house,

They made bad choices, so I decided to un-spouse,

It was a cold rainy day,

In the third week of May,

They got stinking drunk, and puked all over my blouse. 

BARRY THE BLUE BOOMERANG WENT WHERE

Barry the blue boomerang, flew fast through the hot air,

He'd fly out just so far, then headed back to one square,

Then along came a strong breeze, 

A bit of a steering tease,

That turned into a tornado, and Barry went where?

THE OLD LADY, THE KIDS, THE SHOE AND THE WARLOCK

There was a little green warlock, and he owned a small shoe,

He rented it to an old lady with kids, quite a few,

The kids had some great fun,

By the time they were done,

The shoe was destroyed, and the little warlock had to sue.

THE LITTLE GREEN WARLOCK HUNTED THE BEAST

A little green warlock knocked on my front door,

He said he was part of the green warlock lore,

He said he was hunting a beast,

For the a Halloween feast,

He told me to drive him to the butcher store.

MY LAGOON PONTOON

I decided to navigate some lagoons,

So, on my new sports car I rigged some pontoons,

The plan was going my way,

Until, I got to a bay,

I found that the bottom was formed like sand dunes.

THE MOUSE KNOWS FOOD

Count the mice that run around in each diner,

The one with the most mice, that is the finer,

The preferred mouse place to eat,

Has food that cannot be beat,

If you do not like mice, then you're a whiner.

CANNED NUTS AND BLEEDING GUMS

I was chewing on some canned nuts, but my teeth got bleeding soar,

I stoped eating the canned nuts, but I did pine for many more,

Well, I mouth rinsed away the blood,

Toothpicked out some other crud,

I opened some almond butter, now I'll feast until I snore.

THERE WAS A NASTY MAN

There was a nasty man, he was so really mean,

He'd spit tobacco chaw on his only friend, Dean,

But, Dean developed a master plan,

He took nasty man to dentist, Dan,

Nasty man got nice, once his dentures felt real clean.

THE LITTLE GREEN WARLOCK

There was a little green warlock, living in an oak tree,

He was always placing mean spells, upon my mates and me,

One day he chanced to come inside,

The little bar, where we have pride,

He then beat us all at darts, for a dart player was he.

BARRY THE VAMPIRE LIKED AN ICE CREAM CONE

Barry the vampire liked an ice cream cone,
But, dairy allergies gave him a funny skin tone,
He turned really grass green,
Vampires thought him unclean,
Now, he is sucking down blood all alone.

THE STOCK MARKET CRASHES WHILE I EAT CORN BEEFY HASHES

When the stock market started to crash,

I opened a can of corn beefy hash,

I ate my troubles away,

Until, the end of today,

Then, I ran out of my corn beefy stash.

LONELY MORRIS, THE MUSICAL ELF

When Morris ate beans, it made him toot,

Sometimes a 29 gun salute,

Morris was Santa's Elf,

Painted toys by himself,

He retired a lonely old coot.

BIG UGLY DUMB GATOR TOOK MY BOOKS

Big Ugly Gator took my books, and burned them all,

Gator burned my coloring books, that made me bawl,

He then gave me a book,

On how pork, I should cook,

Big Ugly Dumb Gator has some real nasty gall.

BOUNCED PEACHES

I bought some peaches at the store,
My son bounced them on the floor,
"The peaches didn't bounce,"
My son would announce,
So, I fixed him peach cobbler at four.

VINCENT ATE SOME JELLY

Vincent the hound dog, found a torpedo by the blue lake,

It was being consumed, by a massive green water snake,

It exploded his belly,

And spread out his snake jelly,

Vincent ate so much jelly, he got a bad tummy ache.

HALLOWEENS AND BEANS

I went to the market to get me some leafy greens,

But, they only had orange, because it was Halloweens,

Yet, it's greens that I need,

So, someone gave me a weed,

They said, weeds taste really good with cured salt pork and beans.

BAD LUCK BROKEN MIRROR LIMERICK AND HAIKU

I broke a mirror now my luck is bad,
My car's in the ditch and it's looking sad,
I can't pay my rent,
To the street I've been sent,
I guess I'll move in with my mom and my dad.

Mirror broke, bad luck,
Car wrecked, lost job,rent due,
Duct tape fix, feel safe.

THE BEAR AND THE DINOSAUR EGG

I went into the deep, dark woods, and found a big dinosaur leg,

It was attached to a dinosaur, sitting on top of an egg,

The dinosaur was not hairy,

So, it was not very scary,

If it had been a hairy bear, then for my life I'd have to beg.

KINDERBEAN ON HALLOWEEN

Kinderbean was a leprechaun,
Upon Halloweeners he'd prey upon,
If you set down your candy bag,
He'd steal it as a gag,
But, he was caught and now he's a con.