MY DOG IS LOADED WITH FLEAS

My dog is loaded with fleas,
They bite him and bite me with ease,
The fleas love the shampoo,
They swim like Shamoo,
They get in my lungs and I wheeze.

THERE WAS A KING NAMED BLIMPLE LIMERICK

There was a king named Blimple,
His mind was really simple,
He ate pizza and wine,
Until half past nine,
Then he exploded like a big pimple.

BEWARE THE CLEARANCE PICKLE RELISH

I bought some pickle relish at the local discount store,
I purchased it on clearance cause I could not pay no more,
But when I opened the jar at home,
The relish spit up foam,
And it smelled so bad I threw it out the door.

BENNY STEPPED ON A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER

Benny stepped on a Black widow spider,
The spider bit him on the toe,
Although Benny did not suddenly die,
He felt a great deal of woe,

Benny’s toe turned really green,
And then it turned really blue,
His toe swelled up till it was obscene,
Then Benny cried Ooh, Ooh,

Benny washed his toe real clean,
He finally nursed it well,
He covered it with Vaseline,
Mixed with petroleum gel,

Now Benny wears shoes all the time,
He will never take any chance,
His recovery was just sublime,
Yet, his toe still hurts too much to dance.

THE STATE FAIR

I went to visit the state fair,

The animals were nude, naked and bare,
I found it obscene,
My eyes were unclean,
I wished I had never gone there.

ODE TO THE HAIRY TUNA

There is a hairy tuna,
He swims out in the sea,
Where the hairy tuna swims,
Is where hairy tuna be,

The hairy tuna eats small fish,
He eats them night and day,
When small fish see him coming,
They'd best swim fast away,

The hairy tuna swims real fast,
No net or line he fears,
If you dream of catching him,
Your dreams will turn to tears,

The hairy tuna will soon retire,
To the Caribbean Sea,
To see if children he can sire,
As hairy and fast as he.

TRACK THREE THANKS TO BARLEY

Two Track Michigan was where I was born,

One track led into town, one track led out to corn,

Then, along came Mr. Farley,

He changed out corn to hops and barley,

Now a third track the beer trucks adorn.

I BUILT A CITY IN JUST 4 SQUARE FEET

I built a model city using only 4 square feet,

It even has a factory that makes drums for kids to beat,

And of course it has a tiny train,

With a small airport for a plane,

And through a window at city hall, sits the mayor in his seat.

TROLLNG FOR MONSTERS WAY OUT IN THE BAY

I was trolling for monsters way out on the bay,
I thought I had caught one when my line spooled away,
But, it was negative rub,
When up came the sub,
Then, the sub dove and I followed, good day.

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay, 
Then, a big one swallowed me and my boat all the way,
My mind was real dizzy,
As I was digested in fizzy,
Now, as poop on the bottom I lay.

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay,
When I fell in love with a monster some fishermen say,
Our first hatched we named Barry,
Was both scaly and hairy,
Married a walrus and moved to LA.




  



 

I SLEEP AT MY WORKSTATION

I sleep too much and do too little they said,

I sleep at my workstation as much as in bed,

But, their thinking is not deep,

For it is only at work that I sleep,

Afterwork, the wildside is where I will tread.

DEAD GREENS IN THE LAND CALLED ZOO.

DEAD GREENS IN ZOO MICHIGAN

My garden grew and grew,

Then it was suddenly through,

The frost stopped by,

Made my greens all die,

And it's June in KALAMAZOO.

THE TOO TIGHT TIE KNOT

My airway was cut off by my ties too tight knot,

Usually, I leave it loose but this time I forgot,

My boss let me lie on the floor,

For three days, maybe four,

Then had me removed when I started to rot.

 

MY DIET DID NOT GO WELL

I went to sneak a piece of pie,

But a candy bar caught my eye,

To treat them both equal,

I ate them together, not in sequel,

The next day I plead the fifth and didn't lie. 

A LAMENT FOR BILLY THE BATTERY

Billy was a battery,
He didn’t last very long,
His very short longevity,
Seems extremely wrong,

Now Billy’s lost and tormented soul,
Is haunting me every night,
His untimely death has taken its toll,
I can’t see with my worthless flashlight.

BAD WOOD

Will went out in the forest to carve some wood,

Will found a branch, he carved it good,

He carved a fighting stick,

But a wolf broke it quick,

Then Will was like nana, in Red Riding Hood.

EATING RAW FUNGI AND CAPITAL GAINS

I ate raw fungi and it ate my brains,

I no longer functioned and felt aches and pains,

I bottled the stuff,

Claimed it made people look buff,

Sold my business to Wall Street for capital gains.

BLITHER BLOTHER SAYS "CANDY CANE"

Blither Blother was insane,

All he'd say is "candy cane",

At 42, no potty train,

In the shower he would drain,

But genius tested, was his brain.

BLITHER BLOTHER RAIN

Blither Blother stood in the rain, 

Looking through his window pain,

Wishing that he had a brain,

And stayed inside with his toy train,

Licking on a candy cane.

FEELINGS THE DOG AND BLUE THE CAT

There was a dog named Feelings,
Feelings liked to roll around in the dirt,
His master kept Feelings all penned up,
Because he didn’t want his feelings hurt.

There was a cat named Blue,
He was mean and kind of scary,
Blue would eat only fruit this is true,
Now he looks like a fat blue berry.

MY LITTLE CHIPPY LIMERICK

My little chipmunk has become very crazed,
Since he was a little chippy, on peanuts I raised,
Now he foams at the mouth,
He caught rabies in the South,
And when he gets way to close, he gets tazed.

I WAS ABDUCTED BY ORB ALIENS

I went out fishing in the early afternoon,

I tripped out toward the big fish where I saw moon after moon,

But the moons were orbs on the bay,

They all took me away,

I hope to be back fishing, real soon.

My Travel Journal's Final Entry

When they say Michigan has a lot of tourist traps they must have been talking about getting lost on the back roads. It's getting late and I'm lost out in the backwoods of Northern Michigan.  Luckily, I see an old dirt two-track heading up a heavily wooded hill.  There's bound to be some friendly folks at the end of it who will give me directions back to the main road.  The sun is going down, so I have to take a chance and really, I don't have anything to lose.