I ATE BARGIN KIPPERS

I found some fresh caught kippers on clearance sale,   

They had not been cleaned, and were in a tin pail,  

They were kinda smelly,

Some were a bit swelly,

I cooked them in sauce, and chased them down with ale.

DORKED AGAIN

My best pieces of ham he forked,

My most expensive wine he uncorked,

He ate the deviled eggs whole,

And, an entire cheese roll,

By my brother I was definitely dorke,

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MY BEAUTIFUL BLUE TEDDY BEAR

My beautiful blue teddy bear, he came to life,

He ran off with the next door neighbor's pretty wife,

It was really sad,

My Teddy did bad,

The neighbor ripped out Teddy's stuffing with a knife.

TOO LATE FOR TEA WITH TUT, OH MY

I had a little time-ship, but the door got stuck tight shut,

I could not get outside to meet the king we know as Tut,

I used my brand new space crowbar,

But when I got the door ajar,

King Tut had been all mummified, along with his dog, Mutt.  

KAZOO ON A G STRING

I turned on my tunes, but my tunes were not there,

A check went to subscriptions but, my check account was bare,

So quiet was my place,

I stuck a kazoo in my face,
I learned to play Strauss waltzes and Bach's G String, blowing air.

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THE FUNNEL CLOUD DISASTER POEM

Nature was roaring big and loud,

Then I spied the funnel cloud,

It swept away the stadium crowd

With human persons, it was well endowed,

I turned and ran; I was not proud.

I SOLD GRANDMA'S SILVER TO WATCH SOME SOX

I found grandma's silver dimes, that I had hid in an old shoe box,

She asked me to take them, so she'd have no means to wreck detox,

Grandma got off the malt beer,

Now in jail, my grandma, dear,

I think I will sell the dimes, to pay to stream my team, Red Sox.

I'M AN UNHAPPY PANSY MAN

I caught a rabbit in my trap,

He started to cry, and I'm a sap,

I let him go,

That so and so,

He ate my pansies, now I'm unhap

LAKE SHARKS

There are sharks in all Michigan lakes,

They attack tourists on vacation breaks,

A shark took off my leg,

So, I carves me a peg,

Now, I hunt them to.get me some steaks.

THE JANUARY WOLF MOON

When the Wolf Moon rises,

There be terror surprises,

The hooting owl,

The wolf howl,

Most dangerous, friendly disguises.

MUDDY BLOOD, BUT PROBLEM SOLVED

I went broke buying online subscriptions, and had to sell blood,

My blood was rejected, because it looked too much like mud,

I sold the kidney on my right,

Had to do it, money was tight,

Now, I've inherited a fortune from my Great Grand Uncle Bud.

MY PET DINOSAUR PART6 (TONES, SCONES AND BONES)

I had a big pet dinosaur, and he loved my homemade scones,

He would eat them by the thousands, and made loud lip smacking tones,

One day when he went outside to play,

I burned the scones, and threw them away,

My unhappy, hungry dino, then chewed on the neighbor's bones.

THE PRETTY LILAC SMELL

All the pretty lilacs bloomed a nice smell,

They prettied up my small garden, as well,

Cooked them into perfume,

To spray in my bathroom,

I had backed-up plumbing, now you can't tell.

I ITCHED WHERE THEY STICHED

I went to.the doctor's office to have them take out stiches,

It cost me every coin I got, I cleaned out my britches,

They covered my wound with a patch,

Said it was infected, don't scratch,

I said I had to scratch and scratch, because the dang thing itches.

MARK THE BEAVER LIMERICK

There was a big beaver named Mark,
He built damns from morning til dark,
Some days he would wish,
He was just a fish,
Then, he’d just play and swim in the park.

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PORK PIE, NO FINS

Because Bobby only ate food that came in tins,

Bobby was deficient in many vitamins,

He had hunger for pork pie,

He never knew exactly why,

He wouldn't eat any food from creatures that had fins.

THE CHEESE PUFFS AND THE MERMAID

Because I ordered them through the mail,

My cheese puffs arrived late and were stale,

I used them for fish bait,

And, caught me a soul mate,

A mermaid with a big fishy tail.

MR. TWO FISH TALKS LOSING WEIGHT

The three perch I caught would have made a real nice meal,

But the one good sized perch I caught, my cat did steal,

I gave my cupboard a good search,

Found no food to go with my perch,

Guess I'll lose some weight, now that dieting is my deal.

A SHILLELAGH PARTY FOR THE LIONS

Three little green leprechauns, stood outside my front door,

They each had a shillelagh, and were prepared for war,

I asked them in for tea,

We then watched the tv,

We all cheered as the Detroit Lions ran up the score.

BLOOD BITES

The rats they sleep all day, and prowl around all night,

Looking for a spot of food, or an open toe to bite,

Their teeth pierce the fleshy toe,

For them a meal, for you a woe,

Then they disappear again; blood stains mark their flight.

BYE, BYE BIRDIE, TIGER GO DOWN

A tiger was climbing way, way up high in a tall tree,

He was after a sparrow, but that bird flew off to sea,

When the giant tiger found,

He was too high off the ground,

He jumped from the high branches, hurt his right paw, but was free.

THE BALLAD OF SEDENTARY DAVE

Dave exercises just nine seconds each day,

Yet, his poundage is an expanding display,

Dave eats only wheat bread,

With much butter, he said,

On Tic Tok Dave works for his pay.

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A LAMENT FOR MY ROOSTER

I thought my pet rooster ran away,

I looked for him the entire day,

Yet all the while,

My old hound had a smile,

Next to his coop a pile of chicken feathers, lay.

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I INVESTED IN REAL ESTATE

I invested in real estate, stocks and, bonds,
While the wizards on Wall Street waved their wands,
I fell for their pitch,
They got really rich,
With Wall Street you're either poor or you're cons.

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BAD NOSE NEWS

It was so cold that Davey got sick,

Then he got sicker, awfully quick,

So he took a snooze,

Awoke to bad news,

His nose was plugged, and he had to pick.

BROTHER BOB ON TURKEY DAY

Bobby used his right index finger to clean between his toes,

Then when he was done, he'd polish the nostrils of his nose,

Bobby did this when we ate,

Of course, Bobby never brought a date,

He did save some memories, by wiping his finger on his clothes.

THE ICE SKATES OF DEATH

I got some new ice skates, and went out on the ice to skate,

I went out fifty feet, and fell through the ice on the lake,

Beneath the ice I couldn't swim,

Soon the lights were growing dim,

Then my clock alarm rang, and I was safe in bed, awake.

THE SHARK, THE REEF, THE MUMMY AND ME

A shark circled me, while watched by his mummy,

I thought the shark was another reef bummy,

He got right up in my face,

So I sprayed him with shark mace, 

I ended up in his mummy's  big, tummy..