MY JACK CAME LOOSE

I rotated my tires and you want to know what?

My jack came loose and I got pinned cross the gut,

Although I felt massive pain,

I kept steady my brain,

And, did not lose a single lug nut.

BOB THE PICCOLO FLUTE PLAYER WITH GAS

Bob liked to play the piccolo flute,
But when he’d blow air, out the back end he’d toot,
It did not sound really fancy,
It made the audience very antsy,
So the band leader gave Bob the boot.

VAMPIRE POETRY

Out  in the distance between the days,
A Vampire was born,
He lived in visual night and haze,
A prince whom many scorn,

Those that journey out into the night,
Where the prince of vampires waits,
Must know he's there not for the fright,
It's the blood that satiates.

Blood drawn deep down from the neck,
By demons made long ago,
Creatures not fit for heavan or heck,
Unloved, undead they know.

Vengence is a lonely child,
Kept pregnant deep within,
When let loose it's mind is wild,
The base of original sin.

I INVENTED THE INTERNET OR, WAS THAT SOMEONE ELSE?

Everyone wants a claim to fame,

As long as it's good and not some kind of shame,

Did the internet I invent,

Or, do I just pay for its rent,

And, when it goes down will I get the blame?

GNOMES STEAL MY PASTRIES AND DRINK MY BEER

Gnomes have been eating up my apple fritters,
They seem to be evil, pastry eating critters,
Gnomes, invade my home everyday,
Upon my sweet pastries they prey,
Then, they wash them down with my very best bitters.

THERE WAS A LITTLE CHICKEN NAMED SOUP

There was a little chicken named soup,
She shot baskets using a wing shot at the hoop,
But, as chicken soup grew older,
She developed a bad shoulder,
So, she retired to raise chicks in here coup.

A BANANA MUTED MY TOOT

My trumpet I tried and tried to make toot,
It didn't work because it was stuffed with a fruit,
It seems my dear nanna,
Didn't like her banana,
The fruit fit my trumpet but, not grandpa's flute.

BIRD FEEDER

My little bird gives his feathers tugs,

So he can get a meal of bugs,

He's so shy,

He won't fly high,

Instead he hunts more bugs in my rugs.

SNOWBOARD DOWN

Jim weighed 500 lbs, so his snowboard wouldn't go,

Except when Jim got on it the board sank in the snow,

So Jim stayed inside the ski lodge,

Played pool with his friend Rodge,

Couldn't wait till back home he could go.

BEN WALKED IN THE WOODS

Ben walked in the woods, overheated and froze,

He had ticks on his skin, and bugs up his nose,

He was very itchy,

Smelled of pine pitchy,

When he got home, he took a bath in his cloths.

I MAKE A NICE HOME

I thought the car weight the ice could take,

When I drove my pickup out on the lake,

I instantly froze, 

When under I goes,

Now my bones are a home to two bass and a snake.

I FROZE MY WAY TO HADES

I stepped outside onto ice and down steep steps I slid,

Smacked my head on the car, and went off the grid,

I died when I slowly froze,

Was greeted by my dead nanna, Rose,

I knew I was in Hades, because I spied grandpa Sid.

MY GOOD NEIGHBOR, SHOOT AND LOOT

My neighbors name is shootie,

He said shooting me was his duty,

He aimed for my head,

And shot me real dead,

So my home he is free to go lootie.

THE SNOW MOON LIMERICK

I went out to see the Snow Moon,

It was cute like my baby raccoon,

Then the moon disappeared,

Behind clouds that I feared,

And it snowed until the mid part of June.