CALL OF THE WEREWOLF

The howling of a wolf in the woods, filled my beastly, carnal heart's holes,

The howling was a call to the forest minions, to awaken werewolf souls,

The woods went darker, the sky grew bright,

A full moon lantern was the only light,

I started my venture into the night, hunting victims, to play out their roles.

THE WIFE AND KIDS CAN EAT BUGS, I'M OUT OF HERE (BAD DADDY)

My wife and kids went gosh, darn feral, now their sifting worms out of the sand,

They are even eating nasty, stinky bugs that they catch within their hand,

I cannot take this anymore,

Having a family that's poor,

I'm going to quietly get in the car, and drive off to the promised land.

I'M LEARNING AN ADVANCED SKILL, SO I CAN MAKE THE BIG BUCKS

There is a much better job in my sight,

I just have to learn how to read and write,

I just learned my ABCs,

Next, I'll learn my DEFGs,

I take my time; wife says I'm just not bright.

VICTORIAN BLED

I went to see a horror movie called, "Victorian Bled",

In the movie people were bleeding out, until they were all dead,

The blood spirits had evil desires,

So, the blood was let out into fires,

The movie was really gory and stupid; that is enough, said.

MAMMA DID CRY, THEN BUBBA WENT BYE (HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2025)🦃 🍕

We were so very thankful on Thanksgiving, for the delivery of pizza pie,

Pizza is so much easier, than making traditional food; it made my mama cry,

I would really like to say,

It was the happiest day,

But, Uncle Bubba had a big, hissy fit, so we threw him outside and said goodbye.

THE SPECIAL NOODLE CHEF, MAKES HIS NOODLES ROAR!!!

I buy all my noodles, down at the secondhand grocery store,

I cook my noodles just four minutes, stir them, then cook them some more,

They must be drained, slightly under done,

Overcook them, and they are no darn fun,

I drench my noodles with bacon grease, and paprika makes them roar!!!

THE BRAIN, YURT, RAIN LIMERICK

I went to the doctor because I was in such pain,

I was in so much pain, I broke a brain major vein,

It just hurt and it just hurt,

I took a nap in my yurt,

My yurt blew away, and down came snow, ice and rain.

ANYBODY HEARD ABOUT THE SHELL FISH LAW?

I guess shellfish are now illegal to eat, eat,

I pick shell fish up all the time for a treat, treat,

Surprised, I got a hale of stones,

Breaking both blood vessels and bones,

Finally, it stopped when my heart wouldn't beat, beat.

ONE HOLIDAY (TURKEY AND HAM, THEN WE ALL SCRAM)

My family, does Christmas and Thanksgiving, all in one day,

We get the sentiment stuff all over, so we can go play,

Most like to go ski,

But, that's not for me,

I like riding on my Ski-Doo, unless a tree's in the way.

I MOUTHED OFF AT A SANDWICH AND POP SHOP

I went downtown for a sandwich and cold pop,

It was gonna be just a one place, one stop,

The bathrooms, they stunk,

Like a roadkill skunk,

I complained to the owner, he called a cop.

JAIL FOOD, YUCK! BAR FOOD, YUMMY!

Thank goodness my dear, old auntie has posted my bail,

Spent yesterday and today, eating meals in the jail,

Yesterday, it was potatoes,

Today it was red tomatoes,

I'll now park on a barstool, and consume only ale.  

OUR THANKSGIVING DINNER COMES FROM THE ECONOMIC BOOM!!!

I had to hunt for Thanksgiving dinner, but all I got was a chickadee,

There was not much meat to feed four people, but I claimed dibs on the leg, for me,

We did carve a withered, Halloween gourd,

Split two potatoes, that I could afford

We were all thankful for the economic boom, that somehow, no one can see.

KID WILL VENT WHEN NO PRESENTS SENT

I went to Santa's toy store and the shelves were all empty,14

Normally, Santa makes sure his store has toys, a plenty,14

Why were there all those empty shelves?

Tariffs were placed on Santa's elves,

With kids wanting toys, and Christmas morning they'll be venty.14

I SHOP DISCRETELY FOR DISCOUNTS, AND MAINTAIN MY RANK IN SOCIAL CLASS

There were some carts in the big box, discount grocery store,

I noticed the carts were signed with, "Bargains!!! Half-off Or More!!!",

I bought some fake toenails, 

A box of colored face veils, 

I was quick to go checkout, so people wouldn't think me, poor.

CHRISTMAS PAST, REMEMBERED BY A MAN

I liked to feed all the little squirrels shelled peanuts, all winter long,

I got my kids a cool Christmas present, a video game, called Pong,

I would've lounged around with the old wife,

But she was always busy with a sharp knife,

It's  Christmas in '79, when the world was not quite, so wrong.

REPURPOSING WOODEN FRUIT

I got a fruit basket from a friend, but the fruit was carved from wood,

I chewed and chawed, cut and stabbed, but for food, the fruit wasn't any good,

I stacked the fruit in a tall pyre,

Lit it with a kerosene fire,

I dumped on honey, ate the coals, and the food tasted like it should.

BIG SPLAT AND THE COYOTE

My parachute did not open, and now I'm just a mess,

I jumped from an airplane, and fell under a great duress,

I made an enormous, gross splat,

Like when my windshield hit that bat,

Will someone find me before the coyote?  Take a guess.