NO ONE PLAYED THE BARITONE

No one played the baritone,

Quite as well as old Tyrone,

He played so melodic,

That the girls danced exotic,

In the street in a "No Parking Zone,"

FROM RUSSIA

I went to Russia to find some good eats,

But Russian policemen gave me some beats,

I got tortured  till raw,

Have a soar, wired jaw,

So forever from Russia I escaped with my feets.

I WONDER WHAT ZOMBIES EAT

I wonder what zombies like best to eat?
Is it the fingers?  Is it the feet?
Do zombies like best the naval or lips?
Or, maybe they like smacking on soft flabby hips?
I think that it's gross if zombies like eating nose,
I think it disgusting if zombies find flavor between toes,
I'm not sure which is worse:  eating intestines or brains,
But, whatever they like I wish they'd clean up the stains.

MAILBOX FORLORN-HAIKU

Mailbox, forlorn soul,
Icy road, bad driver,
 SMASH! Metal scraps, goodbye.

THE INTERNET NO-BOT

There once was an internet robot,
And his name was Jeb,
He liked to mess with systems,
While playing on the web,

Jeb was a robot,
And  he always got his thrills,
By being an internet pharmacist,
And embedding poison pills,

Now Jeb is a no-bot,
Into oblivion he heads,
His tracks he did not cover well,
And he was deleted by the feds. 

SILLY GOOSE DRINKS TAINTED ORANGE JUICE

Jenny likes to drink orange juice,
But Jenny is a silly goose,
She drinks the juice when it's tainted,
With green slime all painted,
Which makes her insides really loose.

IT SLIPS AND FALLS ON MY TOES

When I pick a hammer up, it immediately slips and falls on my toes,

Then  I'm hopping on one foot in that one foot hopping pose,

The intense pain causes me mental disorder,

As I hop along the sane/insane border,

Thinking a hand tool is one of my foes.

OF MICE AND DIET

As I was sitting all nice and quiet,

The mice came out and had a big riot,

First, they knocked over my beer cans,

Then they danced on my pots and pans,

Lucky my cat had mouse in his diet. 

And the mice looked so tasty I had to try it. 

I LOST THE TIGHT SQUEEZE ON MY LOVIE

I went outside when the moon was real bright,

But it was cold and I got some frostbite,

Doc said the frostbite, it lingers,

As he cut off my fingers,

Now I can't hold my Lovie real tight.

I GET OUT MY AIRPLANE GLUE

When I have company, there is little to do,

So I get out my airplane glue,

I have models galore,

I bought half price at the store

It's easier to put them together with a friend or two.

SPOT CHECK SPOILED WITH EGGS BROKEN NOT BOILED

I spot checked my bananas and they had spoiled and turned black,

I spot checked my potatoes and they gone putrified in their sack,

My peppers had soft spots,

All my produce had the rots,

And my eggs were broken because no one knew how to stack. 

    

JIMMY'S NEW HEART-VALVE

Jimmy's heart-valve did not click,
So it made him very sick,
Too young to depart,
Jimmy chose a new part,
Now  a pig-valve helps Jimmy's ticker tick. 

I'VE BEEN CYBERIZED (I NO LONGER HAVE ANY SKIN IN THE GAME)

I looked at my body and found I'm all plastic,

I'm no longer human:  my skin's inelastic,

I don't eat, I don't drink,

Just a solar cell link,

So don't blame me if I am sarcastic. 

MY FOOD JUST SITS AS A TEASE

My carving knife is too dull to cut cheese,
My steak knife won't cut steak or green peas,
My sharpener is on the fritz,
It is broken into bits,
Now all my food just sits as a tease.

MY BAGEL LACKED CREAM CHEESE LIMERICK

My bagel was lacking cream cheese,
I had specified the "CC" and said "please,"
But I got a cheddar cheese stacking,
Plus the butter was lacking,
And too much garlic put me in a wheeze.

THE MORAL MUSHROOM RHYME

What flavor is the mushroom?

Methinks the mushroom flavor bold,

What value is the flavor?

For morals it's sterling and gold,

Moral mushroom festivals are charming,

But, in the deep timbers where mushrooms are found,

Trespassers find it harming,

And, they often fertilize the ground,

So, if you go moral hunting,

Best take a bit of care,

Or better, take a twelve-gauge,

For the claim jumpers and bear.

TO MY FIRST COUSIN ON VALENTINE'S DAY

I married my first cousin and we had 29 kids,🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸

🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸

The girls we called Marys, the boys we named Cids,👒🎩

With genetics to blame,🍷🍷

The kids all looked the same,🚼

And they all have a bald spot on their lids.💏

THE PRICE OF HAIR SPRAY

The price of hair spray has gone up, up, up,

I'll soon have to choose between my hair spray or sup,

I private teach music horns,

My low income me morns,

I'm eating only some soup in a cup.

Tuff The Tragic Wagon

Tuff was a tragic wagon, 

Parked underneath a tree,

And when that tree fell over,

Tuff became nothing but debris.

CONFUSION ERUPTS IN MEN'S CLOTHING SIZES

Onan, Dave's good friend, owns a clothing store,

It's a place that Dave will often explore,

Sometimes Dave buys size XXX,

Mens shirt sizes are so complex,

Rules on jeans sizes, confuse some more.