PEANUT BREATH, MINTS AND THE MOON SQUIRRELS

I went to the moon to feed a colony of moon squirrels,

I brought them some peanuts and breath mints shaped like pearls,

They thought it a winner,

Eating goobers for dinner,

And, the mints made them classy as earls.

THE BUTT COLLECTOR

George had a collection of cigarette signed butts,

Only from the those deemed famous, infamous or nuts,

He had mud wrestlers and drag queens,

Those smoked by stars on silent screens,

The oldest ones were said to be king Tut's.

I COULD NOT PLAY MY TOOT, TOOT, TOOT

I could not play my toot, toot, toot,
My trumpet was broken but, not my flute,
Hence, I sounded a peep, peep, peep,
Which made the conductor weep, weep, weep,
So, out of the orchestra I got the boot.

TREE FALLS ON TRAILER HAIKU

Large dead tree falls down,
Trailer crumples like tin can,
Not insured. So sad.

HANDLING A RATTLESNAKE BITE WHILE DRIVING

Sam drove down the road to deliver a keg,
When a rattlesnake crawled up his right leg,
A bite made Sam's eyes fill up with tears,
As he drove off the road with his keg of beers,

Of course there was a really terrible crash,
The snake crawled away leaving Sam's head in the dash,
Now, Sam was a hero at least some legends say,
For not one drop of beer was lost on that day,

Now all were happy that the keg was not lost,
Although, poor Sam paid a terrible cost,
So, when driving and up your leg crawls a rattlesnake,
Just ease up on the gas and tap down on the brake.

TAURUS ON THE GRILL

There once was a grill cook named Boris,
The only meat he would grill came from Taurus,
The steaks were so rare,
We'd get kind of a scare,
For we'd all swear the steaks charged right for us.

JERRY NEEDS SOME TEETH

Jerry lost all of his front teeth,
While playing on his trumpet,
Because each time Jerry tried to play,
The tuba guy would bump it,

Jerry lost his other teeth,
Because he ate so much candy,
Now he can't bite or chew his food,
He just swallows it with brandy,

Jerry really needs some teeth,
Because teeth are for more than play,
You never know when you might need them,
To scare the bears away.