SOMEONE IS STEALING MY KIPPERS AND CHIPS

Don't care if online I'm hacked, but they hacked my potato chips,

Then they got into my cupboard, and stole some canned fish kips.

I spend my money to dine,

Have no money for online,

I opened up my fridge, and someone stole my kip, chip dips.

THE PERPETRATOR HAD WINGS

I have a sneaky canary named Chirp,

He steals things, so he is a perp,

He stole my popcorn,

For his cage, to adorn,

I locked his cage; he hated it, the twerp

TOO LITTLE

Too Little rode on a too little trike,

Until Too Little stole a too little motorbike

Too Little stole the mail,

But what sent Too Little off to jail,

Too Little was caught with two too little pike.

THE SHOVEL, PIGS AND OGRES LIMERICK

In the ogre village next door,

They are preparing for war,

I stole one of their pigs,

And, A shovel that digs,

Now they're coming to even the score.

A STEVE THE PORCH PIRATE CHRISTMAS LIMERICK

Steve was a porch pirate who was very lucky,

He threw boxes from porches into the back.of his trucky,

Presents Steve got from his hood,

Made his Christmas feel good,

But for all those he ripped off, it was sucky.

I'M HUNGRY ENOUGH TO BITE A TIGER ON HIS TAIL

Tiger, Tiger I'm really mad at you tonight,

You ate my few taters, and my small piece of trite,

Skinny me has no dinner,

I can't grow much thinner,

Best stay away from me, I'm hungry and I'll bite.

A MARTIAN STOLE MY GRANDFATHER CLOCK

A martian stole my grandfather clock,

He came all this way and didn't have a tick-tock,

It is quite original,

Martian time isn't digital,

Still, may the thief crash his ship on a rock.

THE CHIPMUNK AND THE NOSE RING

I lost my gold nose ring when it fell on the floor,

Stolen by a chipmunk, because I left open the door,

Chipmunks are such thieves,

They hide booty in my eaves,

I should steal their black walnuts, to even the score.

WHAT I'VE DONE SENCE COLLEGE

I studied corporate finance, also quantum physics two,

I got a job in banking, managed money, for people like yew,

Then the securities market tanked

My security licence was yanked,

Now I'm in a federal prison, but I got a window view.

THE WEALTHY CASHIER

Betty the cashier, worked at an upscale grocery store,

Her drawer came up short, so she was escorted out the door,

They said Betty was not too bright,

Her drawer short hundreds, each night,

But, Betty bought a Mercedes Benz, so she wasn't poor.

APPLES IS FOR PIGS, PIGS IS FOR DINOSAURS

My dinosaur was accused of eating the neighbor's apple pie,

But, my dinosaur is a carnivore, and eating fruit ain't fly,

Now my dino sits in jail,

I got no money for his bail,

I hope they feed him lots of pigs, without pig meat he will cry.

BULLIES, EYEBALLS AND GOLD

I put an earring in my left ear,

It was gold, and financially dear,

But along came this Frankie,

He gave my earring a yankey,

The pain made my right eyeball tear.

THE LIMERICK OF PORCH PIRATE BILLY

Porch pirate Billy, sneaked up to my backdoor,

He sneaked off with candy, laid on my porch floor,

A rare chocolate from Spain,

Quite hard to obtain,

Now I will have to try ordering more.

PORCH PIRATES COME CREEPING

My neighbors are porch pirates, who wait until I'm sleeping,

Then up to my door, they come a creeping,

And when I confront an offender,

They don't surrender,

They just tell me my package, they're keeping.

SPIDERMAN RING, DOESN'T BRING ZING.

I went to parties and brought to them zing,

Because I wore lots of solid gold bling,

But all my gold got stole,

From my bedroom bling bowl,

All they left was my plastic Spidie ring.

While Fungal Harvesting, Watch Out For Your Shoes

Whilst I cleaned fungus, from between my toes, at Lou's,

An alien from mars, stole my brand new blue/pink shoes,

That Martian, done a real bad,

I squeezed him hard, he got sad,

Now he's just a puddle of runny Martian ooze. 

VIGILANTE PORCH PIRATE JUSTICE

Three porch pirates walked into a bar,

Each showed their biggest porch pirating scar,

One lost two fingers to a machete,

Another lost his pelvis to a pet Yetii,

The third got his head chopped, it now floats in a jar.

MY TETHER BALL IS STOLE

Someone stole my tether ball and left me just the string,

Now what am I supposed to do with just that stringy thing?

Do I play with it with passion?

Do I match cloths with it for fashion?

Maybe I'll buy a new tether ball, but I'll have to sell some bling.

FEE-FI-FO-FOOP, I SMELL PORCH PIRATE SOUP

There was a little porch pirate who lived in the bushes near my stoop,

I knew he was living there, because I could smell his soup,

Every single day,

He'd steal my packages away,

Even my lawn mower, and my retro hula hoop.

THE FINANCES OF A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON

There was a dragon named Bill,

He worked at the card shop by the mill,

And, when his own funds got depleted,

Bill often repeated,

A five finger discount from the till.