WHAT ATE MY PRETTY BEAR

I was delirious, and had a real bad scare,

A wolverine attacked and ate my pretty bear,

My bear I called  Honey,

He was nice, and funny,

That bad wolverine caused me sadness and despair.

INKY IN THE DEEP

When Inky my pet octopus died,

His friend Boris, the bear cried and cried

Down my new toilet bowel,

Went Inky's remains and soul,

To the septic, Inky had a nice ride.

I FOUND MY FAMILY IN MY TEA

I found a sea horse swimming in my instant tea,

I really do not know how he got there, to be,

I put him in a glass bowl,

So he could stretch out his soul,

I now have a family, my sea horse and me.

THE LITTLE GREEN WARLOCK

There was a little green warlock, living in an oak tree,

He was always placing mean spells, upon my mates and me,

One day he chanced to come inside,

The little bar, where we have pride,

He then beat us all at darts, for a dart player was he.

LONELY MORRIS, THE MUSICAL ELF

When Morris ate beans, it made him toot,

Sometimes a 29 gun salute,

Morris was Santa's Elf,

Painted toys by himself,

He retired a lonely old coot.

THE LITTLE RAT IN THE BARN

I found a small rat out in the cow barn, and made it my best pet,

I fed it lots of fruit and corn, and got it shots down at the vet,

My little rat, he  grew and he grew,

He was off to college, before I knew,

My little rat became a surgeon, paid off the farm, now I'm set.

NESSIE EATS FLIP UP

The Loch Ness monster has ate the seahorse, named Flip,

From the time we were little, Flip was tied to my hip,

Nessie did my Flip wrong,

So I'll write Flip a song,

And, I'll get a new seahorse buddy, named Zip.

THE PERCH OF WINSTON CHURCH

Before Benny went back to school, he said, "bye", to Winston Church,

Winston is a parakeet, who sits and poops upon his perch,

Benny left Winston food to eat,

Filled Winston's water, and left a treat,

Some days when Winston gets real board, he does a Google search.

THE BEAR IN THE BARN WAS WAITING FOR ME

I went out to the barn and what surprise did I find,

A bear waiting out there, like a hunter in a blind,

He waited there just for me, 

He poured two cups of coffee,

We chatted and had a chance to unwind.

THE PREENER

My buddy Birdie liked to preen,

Birdie was a preening machine,

No matter what the weather,

Every Birdie feather,

Was pecked free of lice, and then licked clean.

The Runny One Is In The Soup

I had four chickens in my coup,

They all could do the hula hoop,

I needed one for chicken soup,

I picked the chicken that peed it's poop,

That one was the outcast of the group.

I'VE GOT MARTIN PEGGED

Marvin cut off his arms and legs,

He had them replaced with hickory pegs,

Now he walks on all fours,

But can't open doors,

Is he sane? That question begs.

DISAGREEMENTS INEVITABLE

They might be a complete stranger,

They might be your kith and your kin,

The only one that thinks just like you do,

Is the person that's wearing your skin.

I STAYED UP WITH FREDDY

I went out to see the super full moon,

I watched it with Freddy, he's a raccoon,

But uncommonly thick,

Was the blood sucking tick,

And you had to dig the critters out with a spoon.

MY PET BAT PICKED BAD FRIENDS

My pet bat is loaded with lice,

He hangs out too much with field mice,

Having really bad friends,

Has led my bat to bad ends,

So, before making new friends he'll think twice.
 

BENNY, BUGS, BEARS AND SNUGS

Benny don't like the woods cause it's full of biting bugs,

And there's lots of hairy bears that squeeze him with bear hugs,

Benny likes to stay inside,

From bugs and bears, he then can hide,

Then with his blue blanket, Benny caresses it and snugs.

I DID NOT FRECKLE WELL

I fear my face has been Dr. Jeckeled,
I went to bed with clear skin and woke up all freckled,
And, the great change in my face,
Has my friends on my case,
For all the rest of the day I was heckled.

GLENDORA THE SPIDER MONSTER: A FOREST FABLE

Glendora was a spider monster who lived in a forest cave. Glendora was the only spider monster in the forest and that made Glendora very unhappy. She saw that all the other creatures in the forest had creatures like themselves to hang out with. Glendora felt alone and friendless. This made Glendora become jealous of the other animals that had friends and were happy.

Glendora was a spider over six feet tall and a lot of the forest creatures were intimidated by the large bulky spider. Glendora would always scowl at the other animals that approached her so it was soon common knowledge that Glendora wanted nothing to do with her fellow forest creatures.

One day Glendora decided to make the other animals in the forest feel some of her unhappiness. Glendora decided she would sneak up behind the smaller creatures and scare them. The first animals Glendora decided to scare were the chipmunks. Glendora quietly worked her way up behind a pair of chipmunks that were busily filling their cheeks with acorns. Just as Glendora came within a few feet of the chipmunks Glendora suddenly let out a fierce roar. The roar startled the little chipmunks so much that the acorns they were carrying in their cheeks popped out of their mouths.

Although the chipmunks had received quite a scare they did not stay frightened for long. Once they realized that the monster that had roared at them was Glendora the spider their fear turned to disgust. The chipmunks realized that spiders don’t eat chipmunks but live primarily on flies and other insects. “Glendora, why did you scare us like that?” The chipmunks asked angrily.

Glendora made no reply but just turned away from the chipmunks laughing heartily as she walked away. It seems that scaring the little chipmunks did make Glendora feel better. But, the good feeling Glendora had because of the fright she had given the chipmunks passed quickly. As Glendora walked along and realized that she was still alone. So then she felt just as bad as she did before she scared the chipmunks.

As Glendora walked through the forest she continued to feel bad but suddenly, Glendora spotted a pair of rabbits so she crept up on them and let out a great roar just a few feet from the little bunnies. The rabbits were surprised and jumped several feet in the air. Then, the rabbits saw that it was Glendora the spider monster that made the great roar and the bunnies were now much more angry than frightened. “Glendora, why did you roar and try to frighten us?” asked the rabbits.

Glendora felt really good once again and just turned away from the rabbits while laughing uncontrollably. It wasn’t long however, before Glendora started to feel bad again. This bad feeling lasted until Glendora came upon a pair of otters. Once again Glendora scared the small animals and laughed after scaring the creatures. Glendora decided to continue to scare the animals of the forest everyday that way she would at least feel good for a while. Glendora soon became a real pariah in the forest and no one wanted her around. All the animals disliked how she was always trying to scare them.

Glendora kept up her reign of scaring the forest animals for several months. But, one day Glendora woke up and felt very ill. It seemed that she had comve down with a terrible virus that made here very sick. Glendora was so sick she could not even leave her cave to catch flies to eat let alone go off through the forest scaring her animal neighbors.

After Glendora had been hold up in her caves for several days all the forest creatures that she had been harassing by sneaking up on them and roaring, began to wonder what had happened to her. After a while they became concerned that something had happened to Glendora and since Glendora was all alone maybe someone should go and check up on her. Finally, all the forest animals made their way to Glendora’s cave. Several of them brought along some flies and some fruit in case Glendora needed food and something to drink. None of the animals knew what they would find when they arrived at Glendora’s cave.

When the animals entered Glendora’s cave they found the once powerful spider monster down in bed. Glendora was very ill and had not been able to get food or anything to drink for several days. “What are you doing here?” Glendora asked.

“We haven’t seen you for days and we were concerned,” chirped a tiny chipmunk. “We thought we had better check on you to make sure that you’re all right.”

Glendora could not believe what she was hearing. “But I’m not one of you,” Glendora said. “I’m not like any of you.”

“But you are one of us,” said the little chipmunk. “You live in the forest with the rest of us. Your one of our neighbors. We are all like one big family that looks out for each other.”

Glendora suddenly felt a lot better. She realized that she had friends and neighbors and although she had been acting badly her friends and neighbors came to help her out. Glendora was not alone anymore. Soon, Glendora was over her illness and she became close friends with the other forest creatures. Glendora realized you didn’t have to associate with just those who look like you to have close friends. Friends can look very different and act very different than you.

CONFUSION ERUPTS IN MEN'S CLOTHING SIZES

Onan, Dave's good friend, owns a clothing store,

It's a place that Dave will often explore,

Sometimes Dave buys size XXX,

Mens shirt sizes are so complex,

Rules on jeans sizes, confuse some more.

MY BIRTHDAY

Today is my birthday and I'm 104,🎂🍸

I often take naps in the line at the store,🏬

I forget where my chair is and just fall on the floor,🐀🐁

The mail I can't read so, my bills I ignore,📭

I can't remember who won the ballgame or the war,🤔❓

I don't get good rest because I wakeup when I snore,💤💤💤

I'm told that I don't remember much anymore,💩

My family's all ghosts and they tell me, I bore,👻

My saving is spent so, I'm incredibly poor,💸

It stinks to have birthdays at 104.🍸