GREENING UP THE GRASS LIMERICK

I just love to green up my grass,
I won't let an opportunity pass,
So, I doubled up on the fert,
Burned my lawn down to dirt,
Now my yard looks lacking in class.

MY NUBS AND THE THREE BEARS

Along came two cutie bear cubs,

They were so cute I gave them intense belly rubs,

Then along came their maw,

She gave me her claw,

The three bears chewed me down to my nubs. 

BEARS

Bears are coming out of their hibernation,

Looking for tourists with a Michigan destination,

And those bears like to eat,

All the fresh tourist meat,

Chugging swamp water for their libation.

MY PLACE ON MARS

I got many scars while I was on mars because, I got into a brawl,

I got my scars while hoping bars with a Martian ten feet tall,

We were best pals til we met some gals then, the bartender yelled "last call,"

Then, the martian suddenly beat me until I could no longer creep or crawl,

I really like my martian friend but, I wish he would grow up,

I think I'll stay in my room for now, watching cable while I sup. 

 

REALITY, REALITY, REALITY

We spend all our lives growing big meat bags,

To feed worms and microbes in the earth,

That is nature's only need for us,

So why do we act like we should be a fuss?

We so overestimate our true worth.

IF YOU WANT TO GO FISHING THERE IS NO GAIN WITHOUT PAIN

If you want to go fishing there is no gain without pain,
To get the big worms you must go out in the rain,
So, in the rain I took hikes,
Survived two lightning strikes,
But, the second strike cooked half of my brain.

THERE WAS AN OILMAN NAMED SCOOTER

There was an oilman named Scooter,
He was just the biggest polluter,
He dumped oil in the sea,
To make it life free,
And, he raised prices for the commuter.

I WENT TO THE BANK TO DRAW OUT SOME MONEY

I went to the bank to draw out some money,
An elderly lady cashier said, "You can't have it now, honey,
For the bank is deep in arrears,
And, the owners took off it appears,
They retired, those sweet dears,

No doubt living someplace sunny."

Oh Crap, A Dirt Nap

Pining for a new companion,

Overseas I took a fly,

Rammed a mountain; fell into a canyon,

No one but I, didn't burn and die,

Hugs I had upon my rescue,

Universal healthcare had not I,

Beneath the dirt I now feed red fescue,

Rules:  I had no healthcare so, I die.

WEED AND BOOKS LOST BECAUSE OF LOOKS

Because he did not like my looks,

Florida's Gov. took away my books,

He confiscated my weed,

I have nothing to read,

The Gov. and his lackeys are snooks .

THE SNIFFLES

I sniffle here, I sniffle there,

I sniffle on my reclining chair, 

I sniffle all day long at work,

And, my sniffles give my boss an irk,

I sniffle when I cut my lawn,

I sniffle from the dusk to dawn,

But, when I don't sniffle I get a runny nose,

Then, I must contend with real wet clothes.

  

DRAGNET FOR MY FISHING POLE

I walked out on the dock and what did I pass?

A giant, a record, an enormous rock bass,

But, my pole was at the cabin, not out on the dock,

I took it to the cabin when I listened to Bach,

So, I ran back to the cabin to look for my pole,

I looked under the chairs and in every floor hole,

But, my fishing pole was not to be found,

I remembered I left it somewhere on the ground,

Alas, I sent the kids out in a fish pole dragnet,

And, one of them found it so expectations were met,

Then, another found my worms so; I knew I was set,

Next, I ran out on the dock to see if my bass was there yet,

Then, just as I saw that big rock bass in the bay,

He heard my running vibrations and swam fast away,

So, I fished off the dock for the rest of the day,

While, minnows tugged on my worm, trying to bait me to play. 

NO SLEEP HAIKU

No sleep, mind tired,
Got up early, stayed up late,
Work. America.

A SNOWMAN GAVE ME A DIRTY LOOK

A snowman gave a dirty look right at me,
I tried to ignore him but he wouldn’t let it be,
I asked him to stop,
Then I flagged down a cop,
I’ve been arrested while the snowman is free.

On New Years a snowman gave me a look,
It was offensive is the notion I took,
I had such a desire,
To set the snowman on fire,
I used up every match in my book.

SNOW VS SUNBEAMS

Snowflakes burn, acid,
Sunbeams warm, kind, love, life, dreams,
Snow, white dirt over graves.

MY EXPENSIVE FOUR WHEEL DRIVE TRUCK LIMERICK

My four wheeled drive truck had all four wheels on ice,
I spun round and round seeing the grim reaper thrice,
I said a quick prayer,
As I wept with despair,
My trucks performance did not match its price.

MY LITTLE DOG NAMED MABEL

My little dog named Mabel,

Is mentally unstable, 

She chewed the legs off the kitchen table,

And everything fell on the floor,

My little dog named Mabel,

Moved to a coup designed with a gable,

She eats frogs and snakes when she's able,

And barks with a lion's roar,

My little dog named Mabel,

Is the stuff of legend and fable

She chewed through my TV cable,

That was her way to even the score.

A ROOSTER NAMED LEE LIMERICK

There was a young rooster named Lee,
He planed to escape and be free,
When no one looked hence,
He flew over the fence,
To a fox that waited for he.

A rooster named Lee loved chicken feed,
He ate a lot more than he could need,
Lee got big and fat,
The farmer saw that,
Lee was supper because of his greed.

I GOT BIT BY MY PET BRAIN EATING ZOMBIE SQUIRREL TODAY

HOW I BECAME A ZOMBIE
My pet brain eating zombie squirrel bit me earlier today,
My nose is runny with some goopy green stuff, and my skin is turning real gray,
I am having terrible headaches, and my stomach has horrific hunger pains,
I think the only way to cure this malady is by eating someone else’s brains.

THE PASSIONATE PRICE POINTS OF WARDROBE

You know when someone is full of passions,

It's when they obsess with their wardrobe fashions,

So, why not make money,

Suggesting wardrobe changes are sunny,

And, buying at price points due to strict rations. 

COUGARS

Cougars,real,deadly,
Stalking the Michigan woods,
Danger is out there.