ME AND MY PEASANTS

I awoke with my head in a basket, staring up at a guillotine,

I guess the peasants took my head off, because in life, I was really mean,

If I get sent back to life, I will be nice,

To all the smelly peasants that itch with lice,

Maybe, I'll give some food away, so the peasants are not so bony, lean.

Snow Fairies

I saw through the window snow fairies were acting high and jolly,

They were chewing on the green, green leaves that coat my climbing holly,

There was much snow and wind blow,

So I watched from the window,

One of the fairies looked like my cat, now I call them both, Polly

LORD OF THE SPRAY

I went to war with all the varied species of flies,

The flies readied for war, their buzzes were battle cries,

I did a human battle yell,

It made the flies dark masses swell,

So, I took out my fly spray, and all the flies, they dies.

I WENT TO KALAMAZOO BAR SCHOOL

I went away to Kalamazoo bar school, and learned how to tend booze bar,

I graduated, found a job right away, and patrons filled my tip jar,

They gave me coins and bills,

And, many unknown pills,

I was becoming a fabulous drink master, a big, booze slinging, star.

LONDON DINNER DATE 1794

How are you doing, my little, dear, dear darling,

 I brought you some flowers; they cost me a farthing,

You like dates with a dinner?

I found a public winner,

I will take you to the pub; The Old Black Starling.

BEETHOVEN PLAYS THE ZOO

I saw Ludwig Beethoven down by the old, condemned, public, animal zoo,

He was performing his Fifth Symphony on a Dollar General kazoo,

He did a squeak and a squawk,

Scared off the nest, a ma hawk,

The Kazoo was complicated to play, and Ludwig played a bad note or two.

NEVER COMFORT A HURT GATOR

I stopped my pickup to see about giving a gator, aid,

He was gimping down the highway, near the old pinball arcade,

I asked him, "you're dragging your foot,

Did y'all catch it on a root?

The gator gobbled me down; that's how my kindness was repaid.

SPARKLERS AND THE DIRE COLD

The winter is so dire; I got out my sparklers from last Fourth of July,

I lit them, and they reminded me of summer months, and those thoughts made me cry,

Perhaps, my wicked ways I must mend,

To save my life from a frostbite end,

Perhaps, I'll not change at all, and wait through the dire, until the robins fly.

AFTER COLLEGE, GEN X FRIENDS

All my old college buds are ghouls, and each one loves to throw a dinner party,

I have to go because I am nice, and to be polite, I eat up, hearty,

They have a limited cuisine,

Only ghoul food (peep meat), I mean,

They serve the peep meat medium rare, or raw, but the raw makes the ghouls, farty.

TOBOGGAN RIDE, WHEN BUDDIES CRY

My bestest buddy and I went for a toboggan, downhill ride,

I could feel right away, the cold, crispy air, singe my facial hide,

We went really fast,

The ride did not last,

We missed a tree, but the toboggan flipped over; it hurt, we cried.

BIG SNOW COST DOE, AND WALT HATES ME

My small bank account is shrinking because of the big, heavy snow,

It cost me big money for snow plowing, and my savings grows low,

My father-in-law, Walt,

Thinks the snow is my fault,

Meantime, I look out the window, and suffer spiritual woe.

POPCORN PETS, HUH?

My kid popcorned his dead guppies, because I forbade him snacks to eat,

I don't see how guppies in a popcorn popper, is a tasty treat,

The kid's not right in the head,

Enough about him, I've said,

Though, he often walks using his hands, and works remotes with his bare feet.

MY HEALTHY CHOICES: SOY BURGERS AND BACON GREASE

I thought that I was being a really good diet boy,

I ate only burgers that were made out of common soy,

But, my life change diet was handcuffed,

I ate burgers until I was stuffed,

I like to fry them in bacon grease and sea salt, ahoy! 

THE POLAR VORTEX

The Polar Vortex has frozen my ginger beer,

Frostbite has taken my left nostril and right ear,

Whirling snow blows around,

Hits my face pound, pound, pound,

And, a huge road grader has snuck up from the rear.

THE DANGERS OF A TRICYCLE

Ned fell off his adult tricycle, and he hurt his big knee,

Ned went to the adult hospital, and paid an adult fee,

Ned took out a small home loan,

Over his brand new iPhone,

Ned fell asleep triking back home, and he ran into a tree.

RETAIL IS DETAIL; IT HELPS IF YOU ARE BANANAS

I use to clerk in a produce store, and I cut and cleaned the lettuce, good,

Next, I placed the lettuce in the display case, stacked exactly, as it should,

I stacked the apples on a table,

Faced out the variety label,

I stacked bananas, and marked down over ripe ones, for making breads and pud.

MY MORAL DILEMMA: BURGS OR THE HAPPINESS OF COWS

I always have the chewing and eating of beef burgs, on my brain,

I feel that cattle are my victims; it's brain farts for the insane,

Why for cattle rights, I should care?,

Is a race memory, wiped bare?,

I'll continue eating cattle; wish them a good life with no pain.

CURSE OF THE WICK-A-DEE WITCH

 A mean, mangy, sick-a-dee, wick-a-dee, nasty, creepy witch,

Cast a vindictive spell upon me, that made my toenails itch,

When wearing socks and shoes,

Itchy toenails? You lose,

My wish is that her nice clean broom, crash lands in a deep, wet ditch.

THE DANGER OF WINTER KITING

February kiting is quite the odd sight to see,

People pretending spring is here, and we are snow free,

The fancy kites fly way high,

In the cold, windy, blue sky,

Kiters may get a frozen nose, of those, some might die.

I CREMATED SAM, AND DUMPED HIM

I crawled inside the old dog coup, because I miss my dear, old, pal, Sam,

I even licked his dish out, it hated like his favorite food, Spam,

I went back inside the mourning, sad house,

I gave a big sloppy kiss to my spouse,

Then we went down to the river and dumped his ashes, where dear Sam swam.