I AM FROM MICHIGAN

People think I am from Japan, because I drive a Toyota,

People listen to my accent, and think I'm from Minnesota,

I will say this once more, again,

I'm from big water, Michigan,

I don't care of what people think of me, not even one iota. 

MY UNIVERSE AND DIRTY SHORTS

My entire house filled up with neutrinos, once again,

Someone left the back window open, and they all flew in,

I used some neutrino spray,

And, most of them went away,

But, I found a bunch hiding in the dirty laundry bin.

INTERNET TRAPPED

Every time I say something controversial, I get a nasty scold,

Every scold I get takes ten years off my life, that's why I'm really old,

What can  this guy really do,

If my beliefs are askew,

I guess I'll shut up, until along comes a young healthy Gretchen or dude.

SEAHORSES ARE GOING TO MARS?

I got a call from Mars, and Martians are coming our way,

They want some pet seahorses, at least that's what they say,

Mars is known for sea horse tasty treats,

I won't sell them the critters, as meats,

But, if they pay me in gold, I might look the other way.

SAND AND STONE BROKE GUTS AND BONE

I got into my Chevy truck, and drove on down the road,

I opened up my flip phone, and entered my access code,

I called the wife, said I was working late,

Called my girlfriend, set a dinner date,

Then I died when I hit the truck, that hauled a gravel load.

BLUE VOMIT DROVE US APART

My girlfriend got sick, sick, with some sort of bad, toilet flu,

I took her to the hospital because her vomit was blue,

She was so much happier there,

Much easier for me to bare,

She begged me not leave her, but I did not want to get sick, too.

MY UNFORGIVEN SQUEAKS

I played my gorgeous oboe with the choir, at the church,

I made magnificent music from my balcony perch,

But, just a squeak and a squawk,

Started church members to talk,

They found my talentless replacement with a Google search.

I LEFT MY SICK BABY IN KALAMAZOO

Oh, my poor baby, she could not go to work; she had the bad flu,

I got her into our sedan car, and drove to Kalamazoo,

The hospital was full up,

In our car we had to sup,

At last, she got a clean bed inside, I left; that's all I could do.

THE PIMPLE POPPER GOT A JOB

Jimmy got a job as a taxi driver, after being fired from the city bus,

Jimmy grossed out all his cab fares, because he was always popping pimples full of white puss,

Because of his popping pimple sin,

Poor Jimmy, was fired once again,

Jimmy found a job in Michigan, hanging drywall sheets, for his favorite uncle, Gus.

LOOKSMAXXING DIVIDES THE WORLD

I intensified my looksmaxxing, and a great big beauty, I have become,

I use to only look good, after channeling the great spirits, found in rum,

Gaining piled money and spread out fame,

Is the plan in the looksmaxxing, great game,

Before our eyes our world divides into former friends, and the really awesome.

ICKY VICKY THE SPIDER

Icky, Vicky the spider, sat in her spiderweb with her face all in a pout,

She had not had any juicy flies to eat; she just sat there drinking down a stout, 

Icky Vicky did something that was really bad,

She did to her spouse, what her ma did to her dad,

There wasn't much evidence left about, except chewed spider legs, cleared away doubt.

MY GIRLFRIEND CHOSE CHUCKY: AN OBSERVER'S REVENGE

My last girlfriend was really pretty, I am talking, she was pretty mean,

She always complained I didn't shower enough, and my breath was poopy, obscene,

She thought she was smart, lucky,

When she dumped me for Chucky,

Old Chucky drank all the beer she had, and ate her kid's candy, on Halloween.

THE TRAGIC DING DONGER

My glockenspiel was stolen at The Big Hoodie Bar, late last night,

I just finished a set, and was having a beer with my friend, Dwight,

My handsome glockenspiel, 

Was my manly appeal,

Losing my means of employment, and my date riz, does tend to bite.

DEHYDRATION AND BODILY PUTREFICATION: A THOUGHT EXPERIMENT

My well was frozen, so I ordered bottled water from the store,

The store had none to sell, because it was impounded for some war,

If I do not get some water,

I will die and be a roter,

Then, all of my putrefied remains, will seep deep into the floor.

AI RULES, OH JOY

Mr. AI stopped by, and gave me a really nasty chat,

He told me to sit down, and that is the reason I sat,

He said that my apartment is unclean,

Mrs. AI saw it, and turned AI mean,

Mr. AI told me to get rid of my filth,  and the cat.

THE TOBOGGANIER SAVED MY LIFE

I climbed a massive mountain up to where the air is way, too thin,

I made it to the top, which I considered a heroic win,

Then my breathing almost stoped,

On the rock and ice I plopped,

Someone brought a toboggan, and down the mountain we took a spin.

DEAD DREAMS

I loved playing my dad's trumpet, and hoped a musician, I could one day, be,

When dad died, we moved to grandma's house, and she said my noise made her head dizzy,

Mom took my trumpet away,

She sold it cheap, on eBay,

The one activity I'm allowed, is watching soaps with grandma, on tv. 

FROM SCARS TO MARS

I am always wrecking my sports cars,

That is how I got all of my scars,

I saw a famous plastic surgeon,

Now, I have the face of a sturgeon,

That is why I volunteered for Mars.