VALENTINE'S DAY MISTAKE

My valentine always expects a nice, fancy thing,

Like a thick, golden bracelet, or fancy, gemstone ring,

This year I built a nice scrapbook,

Thought they'd like the personal look,

My valentine couldn't stop yelling, and demanding bling.

PHIL, THE GROUNDHOG IS DEAD

The chunky groundhog was attacked by a hawk,

As the big hawk ate him, she went squawk, squawk, Squawk,

His real name in life, was Phil,

He took a blood pressure pill,

I'll miss his never, ever ending, small talk.

THE LAKE ROAST

I got in the car, and drove up north to the potato bake,

Nana and gramps roasted spuds in a fire, down by the lake,

The spuds were wrapped in tin foil,

With the required olive oil,

We ate our potatoes with beans, and for desert, we chewed cake.

A VENISON CHRISTMAS

I spent my Christmas morning, hand feeding red apples to the deer,

I petted every single deer, showing them they need not fear,

My next door neighbor, Mean Joe,

Shot every buck and doe,

He's been cutting up venison, I hope he brings some over here.

A REINDEER FOR CHRISTMAS

All of my kids demanded a real, live pony for Christmas, this year,

Ponies have become way too pricey, so I bought a nice, sweet reindeer,

It's nice to pet; fur is soft as silk,

It's a girl, so the kids get milk,

When she dies, I'll roast her in the oven, marinated in root beer.

A GREEN BEAST CHRISTMAS WITH NANNA

For Christmas, I bought nanna,🍷 the biggest, most savage, green beast,

It eats only un-alive meat, and ancient, full dead, wine yeast,

The night before our big holiday dinner,

I gave nana my gift, it was a winner,

Nanna didn't show up for our big meal, and missed a spiral ham feast.

THEY CAME FOR CHRISTMAS AND WILL STAY ALL WINTER.

The only gift I got Christmas day, was a pine tree full of bugs,

When I brought my tree inside, the bugs thawed and fell onto my rugs,

Oh, Christmas green tree

How hateful of ye,

I'll be scratching all winter long, because of bug bites, digs and dugs.

ICE HONEY HOLIDAYS

In Michigan, we have in the winter, what we call, snow bees,

They hibernate in summer, and in winter make ice honeys,

The public wallet is the jurist,

Ice honey is a fav of tourists,

Ice honeys are made, until it's time for chocolate bunnies.

CHRISTMAS WINTER SNOWBALL CHILI

My special Christmas Winter Chili, did not turn out so well,

I subed snowballs for meatballs, but where the balls went, I can't tell,

There was no grease at all, but lots of cold water,

The chili was diluted, and made less hotter,

I won't market my Chili, because I'm sure it will not sell.

Martian Drones Are Here Shopping For Christmas🎄🎁

There was a mystery drone that landed on my trailer house,

The drone crushed in the roof a bit, and caused an "eek!", from a mouse,

I snuck outside for a peek,

The drone was taking a leak,

The drone said it was shopping for a Christmas gift, a blouse.

DOLPH, THE SHINY TAILED REINDEER

Dolph, the sleigh bell, Santa reindeer, had a big, shiny tail,

You could see him flying through snowstorms, and rainstorms with hail,

On coco, Dolph, was wired,

So, Dolph, never got tired,

Dolph, led Santa's sleigh, after his red nosed father, expired.

THERE WERE THREE SHIPS COME SINKING

There were three ships come sinking; they were sinking on Christmas Day,

There were three ships come sinking, pulled down by monsters in the bay,

For the little girls and boys,

There went the promised Christmas toys,

Christmas ruined by tariff monsters, who stole the fun, away.😭😭😭😭😭

I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS WITH BELLY TREATS

Every single Christmas, I get fired,

It is never quite the Christmas, desired,

But, I got a nice big stash,

A coffee can full of cash,

I'll buy some pop and cookies, and get wired.

Depression, Starvation, No Heat: It Must Be Christmas Again

I got sacked before Christmas, and will receive no more pay,

I won't get my Christmas bonus, it's not coming my way,

My kids will get no new toys,

No food for girls and boys,

And, off goes the heat and the lights, now it's a dismal day.

MY TURKEY GAVE THE TOWNSHIP THE BIRD

I had the biggest turkey in the village,

So big, that they raised higher, my tax millage,

But, on turkey cook day,

The big turkey got away,

And, the town square rose bushes, it would pillage.

THE PILGRIM MADE PROGRESS, UNTIL...

There was a young pilgrim at my front door, 

He delivered cranberries from the store,

I paid him a tip, 

Away he did skip,

He fell on his butt, and I bet he was sore.

BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE

My neighbors were setting off holiday crackers,

The crackers sounded like cannon blast attackers,

One hit my shingled, tar roof,

Caused a fire that went poof,

I'm short a house, and eat donated cheese snackers. 

I THINK WE CELEBRATED WITH SAM

I use to have a pony, and his name was Sam,

One day Sam disappeared; the day ma fixed a ham,

It was one glorious beast,

The ham was our Christmas feast,

We all got bloated guts, especially, aunt Pam.

MY HAMBURGER SHOULD MAKE ANIMAL SOUNDS

Outdoor grilled hamburgers should be almost, living tissue,

Always, when they are over grilled, that becomes an issue,

Just give a flip and a flop,

Grill marks, both bottom and top,

If you overcook my burger, bad things I will wish you.

FREE CANDY CANES ARE NOT ALWAYS FREE

I love to get free candy canes everywhere I go,

But, now most stores don't give them out, 

So, my stash stays pretty low,

Of course, I can go to grandmas and pick them off her tree 

But, if she catches me she spanks me on her gnarled knee,

Now, I am nearly forty and grandma's ninety-three,

I just hope she don't hurt her hip, when lambasting little me.

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