FREE CANDY CANES ARE NOT ALWAYS FREE

I love to get free candy canes everywhere I go,

But, now most stores don't give them out, 

So, my stash stays pretty low,

Of course, I can go to grandmas and pick them off her tree 

But, if she catches me she spanks me on her gnarled knee,

Now, I am nearly forty and grandma's ninety-three,

I just hope she don't hurt her hip, when lambasting little me.

PP122318

   

HEAT, LIGHTS, TIGHTS AND POO SOAP

The Christmas presents I got, I took back to the store,

I can use the cash from the returns, much, much more,

I can pay my heat and lights,

Maybe, buy new ballet tights,

And some soap, to scrub the dog poo off the floor.

UNCLE JAKE IS NUTS, BUT HE DIDN'T HURT ANYONE THIS CHRISTMAS

Christmas is all over, and I am giving Uncle Jake a golden star,

He did not try to run us over in his Lincoln Continental car,

I took away his baseball bat,

Replaced it with a tin foil hat,

And, I sent with him home, my homemade mincemeat in a jar.

CHRISTMAS WAS MY NO PIE CRY DAY

For Christmas dinner, I forgot to bake pie,

I was confronted by my guests, who asked why?

I was so full of despair,

I pulled out my hair,

And, locked myself in my bedroom to cry.❄😭

I BLAME MY BROTHER

Those little elves have been spying for Santa Claus,

I haven't been good, so this years presents might pause,

I think it wise,

Not to apologise,

I'll blame my brother for the bad things I cause.

P2121122

MY DELICIOUS CHRISTMAS GOAT CHEESE

Everyone loves my Christmas goat cheese,

I bring some to work each year, as a smell tease,

Sometimes it ain't right,

And, empties bowels overnight,

For my goats often have diarrhea disease.

THE BEAST RUINED OUR CHRISTMAS FEAST

I chopped some firewood to cook the beast,

It was the main course at our Christmas feast,

But the beast was not dead,

It bit off my head,

That was the scenario I planned for, the least.

I'M WORKING CHRISTMAS DAY

So my boss can island trip far away,

I have go to work on this Christmas Day,

I have to be like a cop,

And guard the pawn shop,

So no one breaks in, takes stuff, and not pay.

I WON'T BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

I checked the long range forecast, and it does not look very fine,

I won't be home again for Christmas, and this makes it number nine,

I'll miss the spiral ham,

Glazed by grandma Bam,

And grandpa Bam is severely old, and his health in steep decline.

THE CHRISTMAS CANNIBAL ELF

It's a full moon on Christmas Eve, and you'd better watch yourself,

Or you could be eaten, by a thing called Santa's elf,

Cannibals, Santa condones,

If nothing is wasted, even bones,

The elf that eats the bones is the one they call big Ralph. 

MAGIC CHRISTMAS, AND FULL IS THE MOON

Magic Santa, magic sleigh, magic deer that fly,

Underneath the full moon, they are a dab onto the eye,

In corporeal form they appeal,

But in reality, they are unreal,

Everywhere, and all at once, on such magic they rely.

SANTA MAY NOT HAVE REIGNDEER, BUT AT LEAST HE HAS HIS STALL

Jimmy was short and tubby, and he had the Santa call,

So he got a job as Santa, working at the Midtown Mall,

He worked there for fifty years,

Made enough money to buy his beers,

Jimmy did get a reserved toilet, they named it Santa's Stall.

HARRY UNPACKED HIS OBOE

Santa brought Harry an oboe, and he unpacked it Christmas Day,

Once the oboe was assembled, Harry began to play and play,

Harry was a happy winner,

Mama cooked him Christmas dinner,

After Christmas dinner, Harry napped in bed, where he would stay.

THE CANDY CANE LICKER

I like licking my candy cane; it tastes like peppermint,

It makes my eyes tear up, and gives them a shinny tint,

I've got a bumper sticker,

Says, "CANDY CANE LICKER",   

Mama says, "oh, you didn't?",

THE CANDY CANE POEM

It does not take any brains,

The best treats are candy canes,

I do not hesitate,

I quickly manducate,

Then my teeth all suffer pains.

HARK, THE GURGLING GERD

Listen, hark, the carrot angel food cake,

With chocolate frosting, I did two take,

Later I heard,

Gurgling gerd,

All who ate cake, got a bad belly ache.

SANTA AND HIS LIFE OF CRIME

Santa has many presents to get, and Tuesday is Christmas Day,

So Santa went down to the mall, and quickly loaded up his sleigh,

This year Santa's funds are running low,

His reindeer meat sales are really slow,

At the Mall Santa got picked up by cops, because he failed to pay.

THE SANTA CLAUS FUND, UNFUNDED

Santa laid off all his elves, because he had no money for their pay,

He sold his reindeer to a petting zoo, a butcher shop, some will say,

Santa invested in subprime loans,

His partners will not answer their phones,

Mrs. Claus moved in with a perch fisherman, lives down by Saginaw Bay.

"NO WINE FOR YOU!"

I went to the wine shop to buy some fine wine,!

To impress some fancy dressed new friends of mine,

But the clerks were not nice,

Complained about my head lice,

They escorted me out the door, I said, "fine".

BLACK FRIDAY IS BETTER WHEN THE ECONOMY STINKS

I only spent $4.00 for tuna, and it got me ten cans,

Better Black Friday deal, than when I bought nine sets of fry pans,

When poverty is in the air,

You get these great deals, from despair,

For half price, I can buy summer makeup, the kind that makes tans.