THE CANDY CANE LICKER

I like licking my candy cane; it tastes like peppermint,

It makes my eyes tear up, and gives them a shinny tint,

I've got a bumper sticker,

Says, "CANDY CANE LICKER",   

Mama says, "oh, you didn't?",

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GRANDMA'S SICK CHRISTMAS BATHROOM HUMOR

Each year to grandma's we all converge,

To set upon our annual family purge,

For eating turkey not done,

Is our little family fun,

Except, add some more bathrooms, we urge.

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THE LIFESTYLES OF THE WORKING POOR

My kid got a cheap kite for May Day, I can't afford a drone,

Money is really tight, I can barely afford a cell phone,

These are real bad, economic days,

There are lots of jobs, but nothing pays,

If the kids don't get jobs after school, we'll all be skin and bone.

SANTA, THE SNOW MONSTER AND THE ITTY BITTY

Santa went walking one night, and met a snow monster, and she was pretty,

The snow monster came up north, because the snow had melted in the city,

In the city, there were humans to eat,

Santa shared with her his best reindeer meat,

They ate deer meat all summer, the tastiest deer were the itty bitty.

WHEN PIGS FLY FOR SANTA

Santa's reign deer got sick this year, so now Santa is using flying pigs,

The pigs are always hungry, but they want to eat only dried, fancy figs,

Santa tried to feed the pigs, dried plums,

The plums destabilized the pig tums,

It is just so hard to get descent help, to pull those magic, sleigh bell rigs.

TRINA TOOK THE CHRISTMAS TRAIN

Trina boarded the Christmas train to the big town of Kalamazoo,

Once there, Trina went Christmas thrifting, buying cheap trinkets that were blue,

Bought a cheap trinket for ma,

Bought a cheap trinket for pa,

Trina had some pennies left, so grandma got a cheap, blue trinket, too.

SANTA'S SLEIGH CRUSHES TRAILER

Santa's sleigh and reindeer landed on my frail, trailer top,

I heard the sleigh land, and reindeer hooves landing, plop, plop,plop, 

Through the roof came Santa's red sleigh,

The deer followed down, all the way

My remains were cleaned up using a bucket and a mop.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

SANTA AND THE FRIED FROG LEG CHRISTMAS

Santa likes his fresh sugar cookies, but Santa loves his eggnog, 

The one thing Santa loves much better, is a fried leg, off a frog,

Some people always scoff,

To take a frog leg off,

Mrs. Claus cuts off the frog legs, then throws the bodies to the dog.

KID WILL VENT WHEN NO PRESENTS SENT

I went to Santa's toy store and the shelves were all empty,14

Normally, Santa makes sure his store has toys, a plenty,14

Why were there all those empty shelves?

Tariffs were placed on Santa's elves,

With kids wanting toys, and Christmas morning they'll be venty.14

HALLOWEEN EGGS

 My teacher, the incredible, Mr. Bells,

Teaches hypnosis, conjuring and spells,

He turned me into a pheasant,

That was not very pleasant,

I laid chocolate eggs, filled with red jells.

PICNIC 2025

I went and caught some grayling, and I fixed them with a some pinto beans,

I would have flavored them with steak sauce, but for the price, I have no means,

I then, ate some runny s'mores,

Then washed out my facial pores, 

After all that, I pulled off my shirt, and changed out of my skinny jeans.

TRICK OR TREATING IN NEWBURY

We went Trick Or Treating, in Newbury, to see what that was about,

It was Memorial Day weekend, so no candy was handed out,

So, what trick did we play,

I really, should not say,

But, we used lots of toilet paper, which made the big policeman, shout.

NEW EARS EVE

Early tomorrow, I am getting two brand new ears,

They are both completely made, out of Christmas bulb, spheres,

I must watch who I pass,

So they don't break the glass,

If my eardrums get stabbed, it will bring my eyes to tears.

MY DAILY REPORT

For every May Day, I get wired,

Then May Day pole dancing makes me tired,

Then I go home,

Do a doomscroll roam,

Drink skunky beer, then sleep, as desired. 

BETTER MEAL: DRY ROAST TURKEY, OR FRIED CHICKEN

Harry stepped on my tulips, so he got no Easter cheesecake, or pie,

Harry didn't get Easter Dinner, because the crushed tulips made me cry,

Harry went back home, alone,

For his crimes, he must atone,

Harry made his own dinner, not dry turkey, but a moist chicken, fry.

MY EASTER HOLIDAY SHOPPING SPREE

I went to the local grocery store, and I bought some greens,

I bought some pork chop pork meat as a treat, and dish soap that cleans,

I bought a pound of Easter peeps,

Canned fish, that keeps,

I bought a variety of dried goods, mostly I bought beans.

VALENTINE'S DAY MISTAKE

My valentine always expects a nice, fancy thing,

Like a thick, golden bracelet, or fancy, gemstone ring,

This year I built a nice scrapbook,

Thought they'd like the personal look,

My valentine couldn't stop yelling, and demanding bling.

PHIL, THE GROUNDHOG IS DEAD

The chunky groundhog was attacked by a hawk,

As the big hawk ate him, she went squawk, squawk, Squawk,

His real name in life, was Phil,

He took a blood pressure pill,

I'll miss his never, ever ending, small talk.

THE LAKE ROAST

I got in the car, and drove up north to the potato bake,

Nana and gramps roasted spuds in a fire, down by the lake,

The spuds were wrapped in tin foil,

With the required olive oil,

We ate our potatoes with beans, and for desert, we chewed cake.

A VENISON CHRISTMAS

I spent my Christmas morning, hand feeding red apples to the deer,

I petted every single deer, showing them they need not fear,

My next door neighbor, Mean Joe,

Shot every buck and doe,

He's been cutting up venison, I hope he brings some over here.