DU WHOOP LITTLE PONEY, DU WHOOP

Du whoop little pony, Du whoop,

The pigs next door eat and live in just sloop,

But, you get to eat hay,

And, in fresh straw you can lay,

By the way, while the pigs get old veggies you get the new crop.

MY VEGETABLE GARDEN FERTILIZER LIMERICK

My vegetable garden was never real green,
It was mostly brown from the beet to the bean,
But, I never got wiser,
Used the same fertilizer,
From the cat's litter box when I clean.

S'MORES IN THE DRAWERS

The drawer on my desk went real sticky,

So, it wouldn't open up on the quicky,

And, in those dark, sticky moors,

I kept my stuff to make s'moores,

My marshmallows became tacky-ticky.

SENTIMENTS FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT SLEEP

Why do people want to stone the witches?

Or, quarry bluegills that live in ditches?

Human behavior is so odd,

Does making it relevant require the rod,

And, everywhere we find the itches.

 

MONSTER RAT LIMERICK 1

I saw a big monster rat,
He's twice the size of my cat,
He scared off my dog,
Then slept like a log,
Thanks to my baseball bat.

TIME TRAVEL IS NOT SAFE LIMERICK

My time machine got stuck,
In 1863 in old Kentuck,
Between the Rebs and the Yanks,
They were firing on all flanks,
I was a tachyon master, all out of luck.

MOTHER SEES ALL SNEAKS HAIKU

Mother sees all sneaks,
Sneak candy, sneak out, sneak TV,
Happy Day, from sneaks.

Sneakers, joyful, fun,
Mother sees, caught, sneakers sad,
Mother, job well done.

Toad Master

It's Friday the 13th, and my pie is without mode,

The anti-angel angel upon waves of lava rode,

From the dark web depths, where he'd been writing code,

Came the anti-angel angel with the reward we all sowed,

He made us all low classmates, subservient to the toad.

THERE ONCE WAS A PEASANT NAMED BILL

There once was a peasant named Bill,
Finding pennies gave him a thrill,
He once found a dime,
But, it was only one time,
Finding pennies was his only skill.

I GOT A CALL FROM THE BANK LIMERICK

I got a most unpleasant call from the bank, 
My finances got torpedoed and sank,
When my checks all bounced twice,
I was penalized thrice,
I have my poor math education to thank.

THE HABOOB

A massive haboob slapped me in my naked face,

It knocked me around, and made sandy my whole place,

So I got me a vacuum with a big tube,

And I sucked up the big haboob,

Then I shook out haboob sand from my sheets and pillowcase.

TICKS ARE DRINKING MY BLOOD

I have ticks in my garden and they're drinking my blood,

The lack of blood makes me queasy and I fall down and go thud,

It's a mystery to me,

Why, the ticks attack me,

I go swimming so, I'm not covered with crud.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH THE LIMERICKS

It's Friday the 13th and all fear they'll be dead,

So, they start off the morning by wetting to bed,

For they are afraid of the creep,

Who'll give them grave sleep,

After the creep machetes off their pretty head.

THE MARTIAN LIMERICK

Martian, Martian from the sky,
How'd you Martians learn to fly,
We once tried space travel here,
But, 'cause of money and fear,
On Earth we're all going to die.

Martian, Martian you have traveled far,
While, we can't build a reliable car,
We can't stay in space,
We're a dumbing-down race,
Remember us when you reach your next star.

THE BIGGEST PICKLE IN THE JAR

I wanted the biggest pickle in the jar,
I gazed through the glass and soon found my star,
So, with my fork I went jar-fishin'
Catchin' the biggest pickle I was wishin'
After days I haven't captured it so far.

FRANKIE THE PIG

There was a pig named Frankie,
He ate pie, doughnuts and tarts,
The food made him smell real skanky,
He was a master of the farts,

Frankie never had a friend,
Except for a girl named Bell,
Frankie married her in the end,
It seems she had no sense of smell.

MY PATH TO GONDOLIER SCHOOL

I thought I'd try my hand at tennis,
But, after many fly balls I was labeled a menace,
I was ordered off the court,
To attempt a  new sport,
Now, I'm a  gondolier in old Venice.

ZOMBIE TREAT

There were nothing but zombies left on my street,
They were all looking for someone with big brains to eat,
But, because I don't dig they're groove,
I guess I'll just move,
And, not end up some zombie's lunch treat.

NANCY LOVES HER BITUMEN

Nancy loved her bitumen drive,
It was better than gravel and it kept her alive,
When the bitumen had a hole,
Nancy about lost her soul,
She missed a tree and a ditch to survive.
,

ME SLEEPS NOT WELL

Me sleeps not well rich with gas from dinner,

Though the fancy meats and sauces treat me as winner, 

Perhaps such treats as fancy meats,

Might portal my greed as sinner,

But alas, I have a greater penchant for bacon,

Which is the meat of the truly forsaken,

For hoofed meat on the grill,

Is sin ala thrill,

When caramelized beast flavors awaken.

WEREWOLVES AND VAMPIRES COME OUT IN THE DAY

Every full moon in the month of May,
The werewolves and vampires come out in the day,
But, in the daylight,
They will never fight,
They delight in the board games they play.

MY GOING NOWHERE VACATION

I stayed inside, I stayed inside,

I got so bored I cried and cried,

So, in the backyard I went,

I pitched a tent,

And, there I laid or lied?

BANGING IN THE WOODS, A HUNTER'S TAIL

Went out to the woods to bang me a beast,

I sat downwind, where he'd smell me the least,

He snuck up tippy toe,

He was near, I didn't know,

Out of me the beast made a feast.

I WISH MY SIBLINGS WOULD SHOWER

I wish my siblings would take a shower,

I told them good hygiene would gain them friends and power,

My siblings' response was that "no one can tell,

On social media how a friend just might smell,

Most imagine their friend smells like a flower."

MY RADISHES AND THE YUCKY TASTE OF WORMS

My radishes were all full of worms,
When I salted them the worms made squirms,
But, all went into my soup,
And, after slurping each scoop,
Worms taste yucky my pallet confirms.

I MISSED THE MOON AND GOT A MARCHING GOON

When young I thought it would happen soon,

That I'd be in a top office near the sun and the moon,

But, of course that is not so,

I've sank forty stories below, 

I'll soon be marched out the door by a goon.

I WENT OUT TO SEE THE SUPERMOON

I went out on my deck to see the supermoon,                         

But, the cloudy sky blocked the sight for me,

I wondered what hope have I the future to divine,

When, the big orb in the sky I can't see,

The supermoon, I guess it was there,

On others I'll rely on for that truth,

Most information I get from someone else,

That dependence I trace back to my youth.

TRAVEL CHANGE OF PLANS LIMERICK

I was planning to go to Minnesota,
But, the airlines had met their seat quota, 
Since that journey wouldn't hap,
I looked on a map,
And, flew to St. Paul North Dakota.

FRESH TUNA FROM THE BEACH

I go down to the beach to pick up tuna, 
I work under the light of old Luna,
And, although the tuna is rotten and dead,
They keep my family fed,
But, sometimes I must fight with a  raccoona.

MY SLED RAN OUT OF GAS

My sled ran right out of gas,
On a river in a pass,
The ice broke,
Then, steamy smoke,
And, I got wet full mass. 

THE BEARD BET

The bet was who could grow the longest beard,
The men would go thirty days until being sheared,
The bet was won by Kelly,
His beard stretched to his belly,
He wouldn't shave it since it was endeared.

Kelly bet his beard was the thickest,
It was true his beard grew the quickest,
But all were appalled,
His face was near bald,
His beard follicles were simply the sickest.

THERE IS A YOUNG FARMER NAMED JAKE

There is a young farmer named Jake,
He hates to hoe and to rake,
He would not milk his cows,
Or feed slop to his sows,
He should quit for goodness sake.

There is a young farmer named Jake,
He'd rather go indoors to bake,
He makes pies full of cherries,
And muffins full of berries,
His best is his double cheese cake.

I FOUND MUM ON MOTHER'S DAY

I was an orphan; didn't know from whence I come,

On Mother's Day, I felt very glum,

So I traveled far,

To find a parental star,

I went clear to Egypt to find me a mum.

THE STORM

I decided to go scuba,

Down in Aruba

But a hurricane was averted,

When the aircraft diverted,

That's why I scuba in Cuba.