THE LAZY COOK

I hate doing dishes,
They pile up everyday,
Especially the pots and pans,
I figure there must be a better way,

So, now I use just paper plates,
And for silverware I use fingers,
Of course you have to wash your hands,
Or, smells of things you touch lingers,

I tossed out all my pots and pans,
That saved time, a bunch,
I now use only old tin cans,
To make my supper and my lunch lunch.

MUSHROOMS, GHOSTS AND ANGELS

Someone put Destroying Angels in my stew, 

They are said to be deadly, and that is quite true,

So exercise and dieting was time wasted,

And  the rich foods I could have tasted,

Now I'm just a dead health nut that greets shouting "Boo."

WHAT'S IN THE STEW?

Margaret, Margaret what's in the stew?
I ate here on tuesday and came down with the flu,
I use to think no stew finer,
Than the stew at your diner,
But he last day I ate here I rue.

WENT OUT FOR THE EVENING WITH A DIRTY BOBBER

The water was calm and the skies were clear,

So I went bobber fishing just off the pier

But my red and white,

Was invisible that night,

Cause my white was encrusted with worm dirt and beer.

TOO MANY SNOWFLAKES FELL ON MY SHACK

Too many snowflakes fell on my shack,
The roof caved in while I slept in the sack,
When it was all done,
I was facing the sun,
So,I rolled over and got nails in my back.

THE CREATOR

Today I'll.go outside, if I can,

To make me a perfect snowman,

First I roll some snowballs,

Then I stack them up, talls,

Then I rub him down with lotions, so the sun will make him tan.

KISSING IN THE SEA

I saw two fishes holding fins in the sea,

They were kissing and took no note of me,

I told them kissing in public was rare,

They asked me to join their pair,

Now the fishes kissing number exactly three.

MY UNICORN RAN AWAY

I was made so sad today,
For my unicorn ran away,
He didn't like my peasant food,
He said my language was gutter-crude,
And my crummy farm was just a place he could not stay.

THE TAINTED LEMONADE LIMERICK

MY LEMONADE STAND

The lemonade I sold was not from good juice,

My customers complained that their bowls got too loose,

And one lady fainted,

Then called my lemonade tainted,

I ran off when I saw the crowd with the noose. 

BONNIE THE BED WETTER BOUGHT TEN SETS OF SHEETS

Bonnie bought ten sets of sheets,
Because her accidents were repeats,
Bonnie bought six gallons of bleach,
Which turned pink sheets a white-peach,

Bonnie had bad times in bed,
It was like an ocean, enough said,
In Vegas it was a safe bet,
That poor Bonnie woke up wet.

I LOST BECAUSE THE DEALER DID NOT TELL

I thought the card dealer had a striking tell,
When his cards were really good his nostrils would swell,
His nostrils swelled big as his head,
I went all in like the tell said,
I lost to a spades straight flush from hell!

I LOST MY SPINNER

I trolled for bluegills and caught a log,

It was stuck in the bottom in a dark mucky bog,

Then my line broke,

And, like some unkind joke,

My last spinner sank into the muck fog. 

ALL POTS ARE THE SAME

My coffee maker went to pot,
I bought it cheap to save a lot,
I went back to the store,
Bought one for much more,
I thought it would be better; it’s not.

A BEAN PIE CHART

For my family I made a pie chart,

It was a bean pie so my family started to fart,

I opened a window for the breeze,

Then, someone let loose some goat cheese,

I should have used rhubarb but, I thought it too tart. 

HANG DIRTY SOCKS FOR HOLLYHOCKS

My garden was all full of rocks,
But it grew the most beautiful big hollyhocks,
Then along came a deer,
Who ate without fear,
Until I used a repellent of old dirty socks.