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Tuesday, December 18, 2018

THE SILENT MOVIE MOGUL

Wilbur Royce Rice,
Was the movie Mogul of his time,
He began his career in film,
With a camera and a dime,
A silent world Rice screened,
Of great empires now dust,
The Egyptians, the Romans,
The Greek gods with a bust,

He dabbled in baubles,
Invested in dreams,
Created film stories,
With heart-string pulling themes,

A film studio he built,
He was a "genius" they declared,
The awards kept coming,
And, a great fortune he fared,

Then, silent movies,
All went away,
But, Wilbur Royce Rice,
Had an ankle of clay,

He was stubborn all knew,
And, he couldn't change with the bunch,
So, the new era in film,
Took poor Wilbur out with one punch,

Alas, the bauble market blew up,
The dream investments, just schemes,
 And, all the filmed stories,
Went rot like paper reams,

Wilbur was broke without his camera or dime,
He could have come back if he wasn't old and had time,
And, the pictures changed more, from the old black and white,
To movies with color that Wilbur disparaged as blight,

So, what gain a man with great talent without range?
Just the title of has-been and epitaph "Would Not Change," 

GRANDMA'S SICK CHRISTMAS BATHROOM HUMOR

Each year to grandma's we all converge,
To set upon our annual family purge,
For eating turkey not done,
Is our little family fun,
Except, add some more bathrooms, we urge.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

SKILLS VS. BILLS

I went to a school to get me some skills,
But, the school just took all of my one dollar bills,
Now, it's worse than before,
I am even more poor,
And, can't afford my prescribed psycho pills.  

Sunday, December 2, 2018

DON'T BOTHER WITH THE SANTA GIFT HELPLINE

The sweater I ordered from Santa was too tight:  it caused me pain!
Well, I called the Santa helpline so, I could complain,
But, they were so terribly bold,
They put me on permanent hold,
Hammering Jingle Bells deep into my brain.  

A VENISON DINNER FOR CHRISTMAS

Mrs. Claus debated what she'd have for dinner on Christmas Day,
Then, she saw all those reindeer hitched behind her husband's sleigh,
So, she cooked up venison roasts,
For all those elves she had to host,
And, Santa hoped his packages would arrive by USPS by Christmas Day.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

THE SPIDER ROYAL RIVALRY

Vanderbilt was the spider king,
He knew so cause he had the royal ring,
But, he got caught in a web,
Spun by his big sister Deb,
Now, she claims to be queen with her bling.



Saturday, November 17, 2018

SAY WHAT YOU SCOUNDREL THE SQUIRE

When my noble knight's life came to expire,
I took his place by my rights as his squire,
I beheaded fire breathed dragons with my sword,
Received gold whelm coins for my reward,
And, angels sang my praise in their heavenly choir.  

Friday, November 16, 2018

ASTRONAUT FLAGELLANT GAS

I was an astronaut who passed flagellant gasses,
Which disturbed the gravitational masses,
So, they sent me out the airlock,
Where the supply ships come to dock,
Where I'll stay until all the disturbance passes.

Thursday, November 15, 2018

ODE TO THE 100 ROCKBASS

100 rock bass were on the highway flopping, 
No vehicles showed respect by swerving or stopping,
So, as the fish were smeared over the road,
I composed them an ode,   
In rhythm to the rock bass bladders popping. 

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

I WONDERED WHERE'S MY PARLOR

I wondered where my parlor was,
So, I searched my house with a double look,
But, I never found where the parlor was,
Although, I did find a little nook,

I called in a construction expert,
To show me my parlor's spot,
He said drive stakes in my yard's dirt,
Because a parlor I have not,

The expert said he'd build me one,
Just off the entryway,
But, money I have none,
So, the expert would not stay,

Now, I sit upon my porch out front,
Dreaming of the parlor that would never be,
But, one thing came from my parlor hunt,
I gained a nook and the price was free.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

JOHN'S COLORED GUN POWDER COLLECTION

John collected colored gun powder because it was pretty,
He displayed the powder in clear jars to tell guests he was witty,
But, John's chosen display space,
Was over his wood-stove fireplace,
They found John's body but, just a bitty.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

INVESTING

I was taught to invest and to save,
It was the only way to behave,
But, things are not sunny,
I lost all of my money,
Investing dug my money its grave.



MY GROCER, HIGH PRICES AND ME

I went to the grocer but, his prices were high,
I said with my small budget those prices wouldn't fly,
The grocer said, "my costs have gone wild,
I built a new mansion that's styled,
My builder gave me a similar reply."

ODE TO THE DEEP DARK WEB

Why not live on the deep dark web,
The deep dark web's for me,
Why not live on the deep dark web,
Where the media all comes free,

I use to pay for this and that,
Yeah, all those subscriber fees,
I ate Ramon noodles while the fat cats got fat,
I watched old TV while they watched new sleaze,

Now, I recommend the deep dark web,
You get great content without the billing,
The games, music, and shows on the deep dark web,
Are absolutely thrilling,

Well, things have changed an awful lot,
Since, I found the deep dark web,
It's like I've found a new formed Camelot,
While, my cash outflows have a major ebb.

Monday, November 5, 2018

THE DEBT CEILING WORRY POEM

Many Americans worry about a "Debt Ceiling"'

I wonder what, where, and why,

For when I look up from where I stand,

I can see only the sky. 




ELECTION GOAL LIMERICK

Most in the press make the wrong assumption,
They think we want government destroyed by revolt and injunction,
But, just listen please,
People want an end to the sleaze,
No revolution, just an end to corruption.

Saturday, November 3, 2018

SHORT ORDER COOK LIMERICK

The only job that I could book,
Was working part time as a short order cook,
Now, my burgers were crunchy,
My fries dry and bunchy,
But, my food's fine if you try not to look.
 

Thursday, November 1, 2018

THE CATFISH ODE IN C MINOR

The catfish has great fortitude,
And, just a bit of an attitude,
The catfish is not dainty,
Bottom feeding on stuff tainty,
A free roamer with a land catitude.

Sunday, October 28, 2018

THE ALIEN TOOTHACHE

The peanut was stuck in my black hole cavity,
By antimatter, antioxidants and antigravity,  
And, in the space-time of my brain,
I felt space alien pain,
The goober is Earth's defense by depravity.

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

THE BLUE SKY RAIN BLUES

The rain poured down from a sky that was blue,
There wasn't a cloud so I thought the rain was untrue,
But, right overhead,
An air plane had just shed,
It's potty water, I rue.    

Monday, October 22, 2018

A VAMPIRE IN MY CARPET

When I walked through my carpet my bare feet got lots of bites,
I was not sure if they were ticks or fleas or maybe spider mites,
I went to my doctor and asked what had bitten me so bad,
He said they were baby vampires and, vampire bites was what I had, 

Then, I died and became a baby vampire living in carpet on the floor,
Now, I bite bare feet all day and live for nothing more,
It would not be so bad but, the bare feet most often smell,
So, I'm a baby vampire living in an aroma haunted hell. 

Sunday, October 21, 2018

SHOES, SOCKS AND STOCKS

I do not have two shoes that fit,
Nor, even matching socks,
For I lost all my money,
When, I put it all in stocks,

My broker told me to buy this and that,
And, blindly I obeyed,
As he became commission fat,
My wallet became thinner as I paid,

Soon, I had no money,
Alas, I even lost my house,
I had to give up my dog Sonny,
When, divorced became my spouse,
  
Now, at least my broker is doing well,
He invested in real estate,
He bought an upscale hotel,
Now, on easy street he'll skate.  

Saturday, October 20, 2018

THE TOAST GHOST MADE ME COAST

When for breakfast, I prepared me some toast,
It fell on the floor and became a meal ghost,
So, with no toast to fill,
My stomach went ill,
Then, all day at my job I did coast.

Friday, October 19, 2018

WATER UNDER THE MOP

I finds this bucket I can use with my mop,
So, on the floor soapy water over bucket I slop, 
But, the water seemed thick,
And, my floor tiles waned sick,
As floor tiles gave us a direction to pop. 

Thursday, October 18, 2018

COFFEE RATS

In my coffee I found nuggets colored brown,
And, I bought my coffee when I was downtown,
Now, the nuggets had a rat flavor,
Like feces, not to savor,
For a drink I have to give it thumbs down.
    

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

A BUG HAS NO CHANCE AGAINST A TIGHT TOAD AND A SNAKE

A bug and a snake got into a fight,
The snake slid away because that bug could bite,
Then, from off the road,
Hoped a bug eating toad,
He ate the bug for, the toad and the snake were real tight.


Tuesday, October 16, 2018

PREDICTABLE FARM

I did not spray the almond tree,
I did not wash the goose,
I did not pick the tomato worms,
I did not spay the spruce,

I think the corn is truly dread,
I think the squash yields are cruel,
But, I think measures should be left unsaid,
For, they are only a farmer's tool.

Monday, October 15, 2018

MACARONI AT DINNER'S BELL

If you want friends at dinner's bell,
Then, choose your macaroni well,

And, if you really want to please,
Use a tomato sauce and cheese,
Mama's secret that you can't tell.


Sunday, October 14, 2018

MY BEAR RELATIONS

Pepper spray was what I used,
When by grizzly bear I felt abused,
Now, his eyes might be soar,
But, me thinks I'm hurt more,
Since, my innards have outwardly oozed.

Saturday, October 13, 2018

THE FREE MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION LIMERICK

My magazine subscriptions have run amok,
I signed up for free mags but now I'm stuck,
Now, stress thoughts start to hover,
For my funds will not cover,
My mag bills; I'm such a dumb cluck.   

Friday, October 12, 2018

THE LOST PONTOON TREASURE

My pontoon, it don't float no more,
It's stuck in muck on the lake floor,
And, next to the seat,
There's snacks to eat,
For the fish it's a treasure score.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

THE DIET OF MY PORT BELLIED PIG PAL

The best friend I have is a port bellied pig,
He drinks only port wine and it makes him real big,
He eats mashed potatoes too,
He gravies them with paper glue,
He eats berries if they're shiny blue,
He likes to chew on auto parts but, only if they're new.

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

THE THEATERATRICA THEATER WAS TORN DOWN

The Theateratrica Theater was felled to the ground,
Turned into pavement for the local dog pound,
And, all those memories stored,
Were destroyed board by board,
With all the talkies and movies without sound.

Saturday, September 29, 2018

I CAN'T READ: I'M ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Social media is just my speed,
I just wish maybe, I had learned to read,
The pictures draw my attention,
But, I'm often lacking comprehension,
So, imagination fills my comprehension need. 

MY PODCAST WAS A DUD

My podcast was a total dud,
They said my philos was just crud,
I didn't gain a fan,
Unless, you count Dick and Dan,
I bribed them with burger and sud.

Friday, September 28, 2018

I RAN TO FIRST BASE

I went to the racetrack to watch others race,
I'd race myself but, I can't keep up the pace,
I raced in high school,
And, was a laughing stock tool,
So, I quit racing, joined the choir and sang base.

LIFE OF A FRESHMAN

For purposes around nights' mid,
We all carouse to feed our id,
We also binge eat,
Pizza with cheese/meat,
Sucking soda through plastic lid.




Thursday, September 27, 2018

FIVE BIZARRE STARS FOR MARS

I built a spaceship and went to mars,
Everyone there drove electric cars,
And there it is written,
That all must play badminton,
And at golf one can only make pars.

I STRUGGLED FOR DILL ON THE HILL

I struggled to get up the hill,
To pick me a sack full of dill,
For I had sour pickles to can,
And, bought dill was a ban,
For, I had no coin to pay at the till. 

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

MARTY ATE A LITTLE LAMB

Marty ate a little lamb,
It's fleece was white like snow,
But, when you fry lamb in the pan,
Hopefully, the fleece color you won't know. 

PLIGHT OF THE TUMBLED TREE

Oh my pretty tree has fallen,
Now the fungi come a callin',
Fungi are aggressive dears,
Who grow big obtrusive ears,
While fungi sup I will be ballin'. 

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

NO EDIBLE EATS

No one can find no eats,
Now there's panic in the streets,
There is nothing good,
Just tin, plastic and wood,
And there's still lots of nasty beets.

Monday, September 24, 2018

I SHAVED MY HEAD AND GOT TO THE POINT

I shaved my head and found a point on the top,
I inherited my point from my mother's side grandpop,
Now, all the time I get teased,
I'm not at all pleased,
When my hair grows out will it stop? 

THE MAID KILLED THE EGGS

My house was so dirty I hired a maid,
The first thing she did, she bug sprayed and bug sprayed,
She killed all the bugs,
In my linens and rugs,
And, the eggs in the fridge the bugs laid.
 

Sunday, September 23, 2018

MY DAD'S TALE

My dad was born with a prehensile tail,
He picked fruit trees for a living and put the fruit in a pail,
But, he was attacked by some bees,
Who pollinated the trees,
And boy did dad let out a big wail. 

MY HAMSTER IN SPACE

I gave a bath to my hamster one fine day,
Next day, he got revenge in his own way,
When I gave my fella a little hand stroke,
His sharp teeth gave my hand a really deep poke,

Blood spurted and spurted all over the floor,
All over the doorknob as I rushed out the door,
I grabbed my cell phone and the ambulance came quick,
Then, it was off to the hospital; the sight of blood made me sick,

Luckily, the bleeding was quickly stopped,
A single small bandage covered the vein that was popped,
After a week in the hospital I was all healed,
The little scab under the bandage was easily peeled,

At home my hamster had taken over my house,
He chased off the dog and ate my pet grouse,
He ripped up my newspapers and made a nest in my bed,
Increasing I wished that my hamster was dead,

Of course, I decided to serve up revenge that was ice cold,
I developed a plan that was clever and bold,
To this hamster I was especially nice,
I spoke in soft words and bought him toys so high priced,

Then, when the hamster thought I'd  not seek retribution,
It was time for my plan to achieve institution,
Of course sweet revenge is what I sought and I got,
For I volunteered my hamster to be a deep space astronaut.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

THE MASTER OF THE SING-SONG TAP

I once was a masterful dancer of tap,
My best work I did to the music of rap,
But, then something went wrong,
When, music all went sing-song,
Sing-song I couldn't tap worth a crap.

Friday, September 21, 2018

MY HIGH SCHOOL HALFTIME MARCHING BAND

The trumpets were blasting in the middle of the game,
The woodwinds were flat and the drum section was lame,
Yet, out on the field,
Even in rain they didn't yield,
And, the marching band at half-time earned their fame.

Some marchers swerved to the left,
Some swerved to the right,
Some lines stretched out,
Some lines got tight,

And all through the drenching rain,
Their lips and fingers were either numb or in pain,
But, the marchers knew dedication would not be forgot,
For their final formation was a big tater tot.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

WHAT I FED MY PET TROLL

I had a pet troll I kept under a bridge,
I made him a troll house out of a non-working fridge,
I fed him crackers and cheese,
For a treat frosty freeze,
And, chips known for their wave and their ridge.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

COYOTES ARE AFTER MY PIZZA

The coyotes are out on the street,
They want my pizza to eat,
They got the pizza guy,
But, from his hands they can't pry,
Sigh, my pizza has extra cheese and triple meat.

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

HO, HO, HO AND IT'S TIME TO SNOW

Such dreaded heat I can't remember,
I'm using air conditioning in late September,
But soon, ho, ho, ho,
We'll be covered with snow,
In late October or early November. 

Friday, September 14, 2018

THE TEMPEST ROUND THE POSIES CAUSED ME TO KNIT COZIES

I went out into my garden to pick some rosies,
But, there was a tempest around all of my posies,
And, what could I do?
I hadn't a clue,
So, back inside I went to knit cozies.  



Thursday, September 13, 2018

MAYO MADE ME MAD

There's bacteria in my refrigerator,
There's bacteria on my floor,
There's bacteria on my doorknob,
So, I don't go out the door,

I keep no food in my refrigerator,
Nor, walk anywhere in my place,
I just hop around on the furniture,
And, eat bugs to fill my face,

Now, some would claim I'm insane,
And doctors, it's everyone,
But, I once suffered great bacterial pain,
From mayo I let sit out in the sun.
   

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

I WANTED TO GET ME SOME MEATS

I was tired of rice and beans as my primary eats,
So, I went to a fast burger place to get me some meats,
But, the burgers were so rare,
They weren't even there,
I guess the burger maker had taken some treats.



Tuesday, September 11, 2018

LIGHTNING STRUCK THE OUTHOUSE LIVERICK

Down at the outhouse the lightning struck true,
It vented the outhouse and disinfected it too,
But, it had been occupied,
And, the occupant sighed,
"That lightning has been very rude."

Monday, September 10, 2018

THE CASE OF THE CRACK IN SPACE

When I was trekking out in deep, dark space,
My spacecraft battery got a crack in its case,
But, all was just fine,
I ordered a new one online,
It was delivered the next day, Ace! 

Sunday, September 9, 2018

THE RED POP SNORE

My legs are real sore,
Circulation is poor,
I drink just red pop,
For health reasons should stop,
Because at night the red pop makes me snore.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

THE COB HABIT

I was fired from my night clerk job,
When I was caught eating corn on the cob,
Now, I have no funds for my cob habit,
 So, I'm eating grass like a rabbit,
And, the grass gives me gas oh, sob.

MY DRIP COFFEE MAKER DRIPS NO MORE

My drip coffee maker drips no more,
It's a holiday so, I can't get to a store,
And, without my coffee buzzy,
The world is looking fuzzy,
I guess I'll just pass out and fall on the floor. 

Friday, September 7, 2018

SENTIMENTS FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT SLEEP

Why do people want to stone the witches?
Or, quarry bluegills that live in ditches?
Human behavior is so odd,
Does making it relevant require the rod,
And, everywhere we find the itches.
 

THE FORTY TOOT SALUTE TO THE DRAGONFLY FOOTBALL TEAM

Forty toots on my toot toot,
Is the dragonfly salute,
It's good when marching in a band,
Or, playing from a rising stand,
I show the team I give a hoot.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

I'VE BEEN VANISHED FROM SOCIAL MEDIA, WHO CARES

I was banned from Twitter for saying fake stuff,
Like the moon is pudding and Mars is just made of fluff,
So, for such political wars,
My enemies have evened scores,
So, I'll go on to live on the rough.


BEFORE I GO TO SCHOOL

Before I go to school I eat a pot pie,
Before I go to school I eat bagels of rye,
Before I go to school I eat an orange, make it die,
Before I go to school I eat anything that mom will fry,

Before I go to school I sup soup made of bean,
Before I go to school I brush my teeth clean,
Before I go to school I swab my ears, so obscene,
Before I go to school to my kin I talk mean,

Before I go to school my shoes I will tie,
Before I go to school I promise dad that I'll try,
Before I go to school I tease my brothers, they cry,
Before I go to school I tell everyone bye.



 

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

DON'T MARRY A YETI OR YOU MAY END UP SPAGHETTI

Bob the lumberjack married Betty,
She was a Northern Canadian Yeti,
Although, Betty loved Bob from her heart,
She tore his torso apart, 
For meat to flavor spaghetti. 

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

FOUR FEET WENT BACK TO SCHOOL

On the first day of school I found I had four feet,
And, they wouldn't fit under a two foot seat,
Then, I got everyone's stare,
For my four feet were bare,
But, I knew I was dreaming when my lunch I didn't eat. 

Monday, September 3, 2018

BESIDE THE LAKE WITH THE WILD FLOWERS LIMERICK

Beside the lake with the wild flowers,
I laid down and dreamed for hours,
Then along came the bees,
They had no mood for a tease,
I'm depending on my recuperative powers.

Sunday, September 2, 2018

SUMMER HOLIDAY BLUES

Summer Holiday,
Gas Grill, Burgers, Hot Dogs, Buns,
Egg Salad, Gut Aches   

Saturday, September 1, 2018

PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS, WARTS AND FARIES

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Part-time Contributor,
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I hate to say it but I'm predicting that this month will be terribly hot and dry in Northern Michigan.  I am recommending that everyone should take it easy until Labor Day is over and then maybe this heatwave will finally end.  And, once this heatwave ends then you can go back to flipping burgers, or washing windows or building nuclear weapons to sell to unstable governments like in the U.S. or U.K.   Whatever your line of work, it will be a lot easier to do it once the weather cools down.

Of course as hot as it's going to be next month I am personally glad last month is over.  You see, I had to have a big horrible wart removed from my index finger.  It was one of those big warts with the big long curly hair sticking out of it.  It was really nasty to look at it.  And, guess how I got it.  I got it when I tried to help my friend Julia get rid of the awful little creature that flew up Julia's left nostril and refused to come out. 

You see it happened when Julia and I were sipping bourbon while sitting out on lawn chairs behind our trailers (her trailer is actually right next to mine).  The bourbon Julia had gotten for a Mother’s Day gift from her son Vern who works at a local distillery.  I told her that the whiskey was too expensive to just share with me but she said her son got it cheap using his employee discount.  Personally, Knowing Vern, he got the whiskey for free using a five finger discount but, she was sharing her bottle with me so who am I to point that out. 

 Well, we were both outside sipping on that expensive whiskey and enjoying the nice breeze when along comes this fairy and he flies directly up poor Julia's nose.   Now, Julia was in shock but, just for a moment.  Julia works for a divorce lawyer and she's seen and heard about everything so, it takes a lot to get and keep her rattled.  So, after the initial shock had worn off Julia proceeded to try to blow the little fairy out of her nose; even going to the extent of pressing one finger against her right nostril to block the air passage so that more pressure would be exerted in the left nostril to force the little fella out.  Well, no matter how hard Julia tried blowing her nose the little critter just would not leave so, I went into my trailer and came back out with a pair of tweezers and proceeded to grab the little fairy by the seat of his leotards and I easily yanked him out of poor Julia's nose. 

Of course the fairy was really mad about what I had done and he started buzzing all around me then suddenly he reached in his leotards into I guess what was a pocket, and pulled out a little hand full of fairy dust and sprinkled it on my hand.  Well, no sooner had he done that and a large wart with big hair in it emerged from my skin.  The fairy then stuck out his tongue and sped off to harass some other people no doubt. 

Julia and I never did figure out why the fairy went up her nose.  Most fairies are little psychopaths and there is often neither rhyme nor reason to anything they do.  Every time you come across one they are nothing but trouble and that's why I'm going to get myself one of those fairy swatters the next time I go to the dollar store.  I'm also going to stop knocking down spider webs I come across because spiders are usually pretty effective at keeping the fairy population under control. 

Friday, August 31, 2018

THE SOUR-SWEET PICKLE GETS SUED

The pickle made a false statement,
It said that it was sweet,
But, when I bit into it,
It was so sour, what deceit! 

So, I sued the pickle for malfeasance,
And, fraud according to law,
But, the whole thing was completely dismissed,
When, the case was moved to Wichita.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

WHY I'M HIDING IN THE BARN

There was a goblin in my shower,
He was nine feet tall, that goblin tower,
He was all teeth and scales,
So, I made screams and wales,
Then, I ran to the barn where I cower. 

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

I AVOID SQUIRRELS WHEN THE ACORNS ARE EMPTY

My acorns were empty; they've all rotted out,
The squirrels were hungry and I have with them no clout,
Next, they were looking at me,
Like I'm a steak lettered "T,"
So, I've winter and won't be out and about, 

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

I CURSED THE BEACHES OF SNOW

One fall I sat in a warm sun driven glow,
Then, came the blizzard bringing beaches of snow,
I am not vocally proud,
I cursed profusely out loud,
For it would be six months before the warm glow I'd know.

Monday, August 27, 2018

I'M NOT A REAL POET

"Things fall apart," the poet Yeats would divine,
When order turns to chaos, all poets for order pine,
That's why I'm not a poet,
I think anarchy is fine,
I do not talk of hunter birds,
With the rhyming of my words,
And,  I'll end up at Hades gate, 
Churned by worms, I'll fatten bait.

Sunday, August 26, 2018

MY SQUIRRELS FAVORITE PIE

My piney, smelly cones,
They're the seed dispensers bones,
I pile them high,
And, make the squirrels a pie,
Then, they eat the pie on down to the stones.

ONLINE BACK TO SCHOOL LIMERICK

I did back to school shopping all of it, online,
I got the stuff and it was just fine,
Overall, it took only two days,
The time saved really pays,
Yet, the traditional hassle in stores I did pine.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

PEACH TREE THROUGH THE FLOOR

My porch had a peach tree growing up through the boards,
I couldn't cut it down with my machete swords,
For the peaches were sweet,
And, I had no money to eat,
At times providence has it's own rewards.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

THE WONDERS OF AGING

I could not save my hair today,
No cold creams rubbed my wrinkles away,
My mental state?
I'm confused of late,
And, I lost another tooth today.
  

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

I SHARE SUP WITH MY PUP

The sun made my raspberries dry up,
So, I have no berries for my sup,
Now, I shed many a tear,
When my berries ain't here,
And, end up sharing dog food with my pup.

Monday, August 20, 2018

DIGGER DOG THE POTATO POOCH AND HIS MASTER SCARAMOUCH

Digger Dog the potato pooch,
Dug potators for his master's hooch,
Hooch made the master thrilled,
One of the actor's guild,
Who played every day Scaramouch.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

BIG FISH ON A SPINNER RIG

I caught a fish that was so big,
On a nightcrawler-spinner rig,
"It was the biggest fish ever," cried every voter,
That's why I cleaned it using my boat motor,

So, the big fish I caught with a spinner,
Was so big I invited all to a dinner,
At the end of the meal there was left just the head,
And, those that were there were contented and fed,

Of course I would have gone out to catch more fish with my rig,
But, I had run out of nightcrawlers and was too tired to dig,
So, I had to wait for the crawlers to come up in the rain,
Alas, we were in a dry spell with no rain on the plain.   


Saturday, August 18, 2018

SPEEDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY LIMERICK

Speeding down the highway I did swerve,
Forming a geodesic curve,
Things became tense.
There was suspense,
But, lying helpless I showed nerve.

Friday, August 17, 2018

THE WEATHERING CHICKENS

The chickens will weather any storm,
They do so because that is their norm,
The hens stay together,
Holding on feather to feather,
While rosters are in another dorm.

THE POEM OF THE BAD BOOZE

I had a whiskey that was brown,
I had a whiskey that was clear,
I had a whiskey that was a rusty haze,
Then, my kidneys kicked into high gear, 

I had some wine that was red,
I had some wine that was white,
I had some wine that was blue,
And, now I've lost my sight,

I had some beer that was green,
I had some beer that was brown, 
I had some beer that was black,
Now, I reside in coffin town. 

Thursday, August 16, 2018

BIG SHIP WANNABE

My boat was a dingy and it floated away,
I forgot to secure it at the dock in the bay,
And, wherever it be,
I hope that the sea,
Takes care of the big ship wannabe.  

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

PAUL CAUGHT A CATERPILLAR BUT, IT WAS IN A BAD PLACE

Paul caught a caterpillar by sticking a finger up Paul's nose,
The caterpillar spun a cocoon and that's where a butterfly grows,
But, Paul don't care,
For his brain is mostly unaware,
Besides, some real strange life forms grow between Paul's gnarly toes.


Tuesday, August 14, 2018

BEWARE THE LEFTOVER MAYONNAISE

The leftover mayonnaise do not take,
Bob did and got a belly ache,
To avoid a dire fate,
Read the expiration date,
Or, like Bob you'll vomit a green slime-lake.

Monday, August 13, 2018

THE ANIMAL FARE MADE SCENTS

I went to the Fair and was taken aback by the vapors,
The smells weren't advertised by the pictures in papers,
So, I held my nose,
But, absorbed the scents in my clothes,
I washed my clothes then, had a salad with capers.

THE STEAMY OUTHOUSE AND THE BROOK

In the early morn when the mind is still dreamy,
The outhouse sat all quiet and steamy,
It sat by a quaint brook,
A nice place to read book,
But, during floods the floor would get streamy, 

Sunday, August 12, 2018

THE THEFT OF MY ONLINE DEVICE

I do not think it very nice,
That someone stole my online device,
Now, all know my contacts I.D.'s,
From the A's to the Z's,
And, all my friends have all been trolled twice.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

THE SHALLOW HOLE OUTHOUSE

I put up an outhouse but, did not dig a deep hole,
Soon the smells it produced perfumed through the soul,
But, I was celebrated by kin,
When one of the little ones fell in,
And, was pulled out with a cane fishing pole.

Friday, August 10, 2018

TO MY PATRONS AS i RETIRE

If you have some problem then,
Come and visit me, 
For, somewhere in my short stories, poems and limericks,
I might have some comfort there for thee.

UNDERSTAND THE BAND

There are not too many trumpets in my band,
Because they played so bad most of the kids were banned,
But, through some band parent/teachers host,
The banned players were no longer ghosts,
I just hope those who have to listen understand. 

TEN TO THE POWER OF NINETY-NINE

Dim-bulb Davis and his gang of ten,
Thought a good fight would prove they were men,
So, after a day of drinking whiskey and wine,
They stood up to a gang numbering ninety plus nine,
Dim-bulb's gang was destroyed showing the finality of Zen.

Thursday, August 9, 2018

MY TWEETS BROUGHT MY POLL NUMBERS DOWN

I ran for public office and got run out of town,
I thought I was serious, they called me a clown,
I tweeted, "no money for roads,"
And, "let the people eat toads,"
So, my tweets brought my poll numbers down. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

I'M DRIFTING TOWARD A MEGA STAR

I'm drifting toward a mega star,
In my new blue spaceship car,
You just don't get a gravity pass,
When your car runs out of gas,
At least I have a backseat wet bar. 


 

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

THE SEEDS OF WEEDS

The seeds of weeds have taken their toll,
They've seeded the great hills and the big valley bowl,
Of course, now the lawns are all weedy,
Because, the weed descendants are greedy,
Now, finding grass is finding diamonds in coal.

IN THE CRAWLSPACE I MADE A CRAWL

In the crawlspace I made a crawl,
That's where I found my best haul,
I found some old toys,
That brought me back ancient joys,
Of siblings and each possession brawl.

Monday, July 2, 2018

THE BLUE ANGELS OVER GRAND TRAVERSE BAY LIMERICK

Over Grand Traverse Bay they did fly,
The Blue Angels way up in the sky,
And, although they make one proud and happy,
Their stunts can make your shorts crappy,
It's sad to see them go but, bye bye. 

I'LL HAVE MY FIREWORKS

I have so little change in my back pants pocket,
I cannot buy a fireworks rocket,
From my job I had to resign,
My credit's in decline,
For fireworks I sold my wife's antique locket.

Saturday, June 30, 2018

I'M PREPARED FOR THE END OF THE WORLD (EOW)

I've prepared for the end of the world,
My surrender flags I have unfurled,
I have quantities of stash,
Of root beer and corn hash,
And, a still complex that will leave my hair curled.


Sunday, June 24, 2018

YIPPEE, KY, YAY IN SPACE

I boarded my spacecraft with my dog Yippee who, eats pie, 
Then, right behind us was my little dogie Ky,
Yippee, Ky, Yah,
We all flew away,
Towards the stars and the wonders in the sky. 

Saturday, June 23, 2018

MICHIGAN THE MITTEN

While at the kitchen table sitin',
Methinks Michigan is just one big mitten, 
But, there's no fingers to count,
For a five finger discount,
So, I guess you'll get what you're gettin'.  



Friday, June 22, 2018

A LITTLE GORGON LIMERICK II

Little Gorgon turned to stone,
Everyone with a cell phone,
And, Gorgon was bold,
She turned some to gold,
If they ate an ice cream cone.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

THE GREAT SHELLED LIZARD IN SKEDGEMOG LAKE

The great shelled lizard in Skedgemog lake,
He's a snapping turtle they say,
The souls of swimmers and boaters he'll take,
While, on the bottom he lay,

You cannot out swim him,
Or, harm him with the longest knife,
For once that turtle sees you,
He will snap away your life,

So, rowing out beneath the moon,
Feeling safe in your little row boat,
You spot a monster swimming near,
And, a lump grows in your throat,

The monster veers towards you with open jaws,
Then, cuts in half your boat,
The monster cuts your belly with his claws,
Then, you struggle to stay afloat,

The monster comes towards you from below,
You can't see him but, you know he's there,
How to escape you do not know,
So, well thee will not fare,

Then, the brutal pain,
As he chomps upon your bones,
And, all that's on your brain,
Are your terrors, your screams, your moans,

Old Skeggy they call the creature,
The monster in Skedgemog Lake,
He is the lake's most famous feature,
Then, it's the rattlesnake yearly bake.









THE UNICORN DOWN UNDER

There was a unicorn who slept down under,
The big trees when he heard thunder,
He made a loud breeze,
When he cut his cheese,
And, the source of the loud noise made one wonder.
 

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

GOALS IN THE MIST

Everyone wakes up with the purpose "to do,"
Things done before and things that are new,
And, we all make a list,
Goals in the mist,
But, when counted our achievements are few.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

THE BAKER'S LIMITS

Four cakes are the most that I'll bake in a day,
I can bake twelve dozen donuts before I have to play,
I can knead ten loaves of bread,
Before my arms feel like lead,
And, with eight pastries I've filled up my display. 

Monday, June 18, 2018

THE BULGING DRIVEWAY

My concrete driveway is not at all flat,
In the middle it bulges up fat,
And, the ends are so thin,
About as thick as a pin,
They crumbled with just a foot pat.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

ODE TO THE FOOD CHAIN ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ROAD

Over there on the far side of the road,
There's a fish, two crawdads, a snake and a toad,
The crawdads are in the fish's belly,
In the toad's guts the fish gets smelly,
And, the toad's in the snake's jaws went the ode.
 

Saturday, June 16, 2018

LIGHTNING AND THE TIN POST

I put in the steps so, downhill I wouldn't slide,
I dug some postholes along my steps outside,
I used cheap posts and rails made of tin,
Each costing less than a fin,
But, lightning made my rail greatly divide. 

Friday, June 15, 2018

OLD SKEGGY RETURNS

The great monster in Skedgemog Lake,
The souls of innocents he take,
He feeds on flesh and never cake,
Old Skeggy the monster in Skedgemog Lake,

He's a giant turtle; so spins the yarn,
A giant snapper bigger than a barn,
His tail is as long,
As a ride at the carn,

He slurps down rattle snakes like spaghetti,
And, fishermen too,
Though many have seen him,
Survivors are few,

So, come on up to Michigan,
To Skegemog Lake,
Just to see if Old Skeggy,
Is real or a fake,

But, do not believe,
Those who scoff in scoff tone,
Or, Old Skeggey might eat you,
From skin to the bone.

 

REMEMBERING MOM

Painting, pottery,
Rock garden, lily, iris,
My mom was once here.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

THE TYPEWRITER BLUES LIMERICK

I'd take a typewriter over a computer if I could choose,
A typewriter's a delicate instrument I hated to loose,
But, along came the tech,
So, I said what the heck,
Now, I pine for my typewriter with blues. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

PUP WELL DRAINED?

Mary was so ashamed,
Her puppy was not toilet trained,
The pup did know the score,
He did his job out the door,
But, came back in and was not fully drained.

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

A LITTLE GORGON LIMERICK

Little Gorgon turned to stone,
Every singing baritone,
And, every soprano,
Backed up by piano,
Sang like bangs on a xylophone.


Monday, June 11, 2018

THE VENISON MAN

I have venison in my freezer, 
I have venison on my grill,
I've dried venison,
I've canned venison,
I've powdered venison and made a pill,

I eat venison for breakfast,
I eat venison for lunch,
I eat venison for supper,
And, the funny meal called a brunch,

I give venison to my friends,
I give venison to people I hate,
I give venison away at Christmas,
I serve venison on a first date,

My life revolves around venison,
I spend all day hunting deer in the woods,
At night I peruse Lord Tennyson,
Snacking on venison mixed with dry goods.

ROUGH TETHERBALLER

If tether-ball were an Olympic sport,
Then on TV I'd be on report,
For I always win,
I'd kick tall guys in the shin,
The rest? I'd ply them with French port.   

Sunday, June 10, 2018

THE CUTWORM MADE ME EAT ICE CREAM

A cutworm cut off my tomato plants,
And, left the tops to wither and die,
Then, when I saw my dead tomato plants,
I began to cry and cry,

I planted those plants for a reason, 
To have tomatoes for my tomato soup,
Now, I'll have to just eat ice cream,
And, I don't have an ice cream scoop.