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Tuesday, December 31, 2019

WHY ARE THE WITCHES IN THE WOODS?

Boil, boil my plum pudding,
A witch's brew when a coven's hooding,
A sacrifice in the woods,
A farmer's live goods,
On the lot the farm keeps for wooding,

Under a full moon but, when no stars light,
Dire times so, seems the service right,
The crops have failed,
Money lenders bailed,
Resources are dear and tight,

The coven calls back to the past,
To a dead religion who's honors last,
Before paradise gates,
With mansions, no hates,
But, harms fates resolve now, fast,

Desperate are the times that linger,
As freezing black then, lost each finger,
While starving pain,
Makes a focused brain,
Listening to a fallen singer.
  
  

Friday, November 15, 2019

THE VOLE POACHER

I took off to Canada across Lake Superior ice,
I came to open water and had to rethink my plan thrice,
I'm hunted by a G-man because I hunted voles to eat,
I barely got the voles half fried when, through the front door comes the heat,

I ran out the back door with dogs chasing after me,
Unfortunately, they were my dogs barking my locality,
I could just see frozen Lake Superior when I felt hot lead graze my thigh,
My bag of chaw was shot down and I ask Dear Lord, why oh, why? 

So, I came to open water and it looked like a cold, cold swim, 
And, even if I made it I'd have no chaw at the Canadian rim,
I've spent many years in prison pondering the error of eating voles for din,
I wish I had made it to Canada where eating voles isn't considered a sin. 

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

LAY ME DOWN MY WIG

Lay me down my wig at night, lay me down my wig,
Then, I'll chug down my bourbon and have my final cig,
 Tomorrow I'll awaken with hardly any sleep,
And, I hope at work I do o.k. so, my job I just might keep,  

I think it is incredible each day that I survive,
Until, I drop dead at work and am declared an unalive,
Of course, there are the medicines I take for my aches and pains,
 These meds have scrambled up my guts and eaten away my brains,

To live to be a pensioner I think is real naive,
For all the decades I have worked, not one penny I'll receive,
I have no riches to pass on to my son when he gets big,
But, I'm sure it will fit him so, I bequeath to him my wig.

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

HALLOWEEN CANDY FOR MONSTERS

I never knew a zombie who didn't like brains packed in his lunch,
I never knew a vampire who didn't like blood in his blood punch,
I never knew a witch who didn't munch on bat,
Or, a ghoul who didn't snack on the corpse of a rat,
I never knew a werewolf who did not like to make bones crunch. 

Sunday, September 1, 2019

FROM COLLEGE: LETTER TO MY HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND

Deary, deary, deary, dear,
The worst has happened so, I fear,
I met another because you're not here,
I know you love me and you will tear,

Deary, deary, deary, dear,
At school my social life made me wrong stear,
I met a girl who brings me great cheer,
She washes my feet and cleans each ear,

Oh deary, deary, deary, dear,
I guess goodby for at least this year,
Think on me often although, we're not near,
I know your sad but, you still have beer. 

Saturday, June 15, 2019

SANTA CAN'T HANDLE EGGNOG

Santa got into his eggnog and delivered presets on the Fourth of July,
Of course, everyone was glad to get presents so, no one asked Santa, "why?"
Next day Santa woke up atop the Mar's rover,
His deer were on earth munching on some green clover,
Santa couldn't remember his adventure because he didn't want to try.

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

666

Until I was six I could not use a chainsaw,
Then, at age six I was a man so, said my pa,
But, he did not express any charm,
When I sliced off his arm,
I got a spanking and my bottom is still raw.

Thursday, May 30, 2019

COUSIN FARMER

He feeds them beans,
And, turnip greens,
Although my cousin is just a farmer,

Among the ladies he's quite a charmer,
Until roasting farm animal spleens.

Friday, May 10, 2019

IT SLIPS AND FALLS ON MY TOES

When I pick a hammer up, it immediately slips and falls on my toes,
Then I'm hopping on one foot in that one foot hopping pose,
The intense pain causes me mental disorder,
As I hop along the sane/insane border,
Thinking a hand tool is one of my foes.

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

MOTHER'S DAY WITHOUT A MOM

Quoting poets or a special psalm,
I can't find words for my precious mom,
Although, she's been gone more than a year,
On Mother's Day, I shed the tear,
 And, through it saw her standing near. 

Thursday, April 18, 2019

I SAW A LYNX IN MY BACKYARD

Out my window, I saw a lynx in my backyard,
He ate a goose who was eating my swiss  chard,
I didn't chase the lynx away,
In fact, I hoped he would stay,
He's a goose eater and my garden guard.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

TICKS ARE DRINKING MY BLOOD

I have ticks in my garden and they're drinking my blood,
The lack of blood makes me queasy and I fall down and go thud,
It's a mystery to me,
Why, the ticks attack me,
I go swimming so, I'm not covered with crud.

Saturday, April 13, 2019

I ESCAPED THE FACE ROCK

While I was tripping around in deep space,
I found a rock that had a humanoid face,
The face chomped down on my port side,
I could have easily died,
But, I got away with a spray of space mace.

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

RITZY, DITZY SPIDER

A ritzy, ditzy spider licked on a lollipop,
Along came a frog that went hop, hop, hop, hop,
The frog ate the spider and drank soda pop,
So, ritzy, ditzy spider drowned in the frog's belly.

Saturday, April 6, 2019

THE GAS GIANT

I went to a planet just made up of gas,
It was the kind that only a mean giant would pass,
I followed after the foe,
But, turned around and didn't go,
What if the giant left me a planet with mass?

Friday, April 5, 2019

RUNNY ROBBIE

About every other date, Robbie got a runny nose,
And, if he tried to ignore it the run would drip down on his clothes,
Robbie finally, gave no care,
Hoping his date was unaware,
Until Robbie felt the run in between his toes.

I INVENTED ANTI-GRAVITY

Today I invented anti-gravity,
I lost a tooth but, it had a big cavity,
I just drove along and hit ice,
The saucer rotation was nice,
The cliff though, was bad angel depravity. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

I REPORTED MY SNOWMAN MISSING

My snowman is missing and nobody cares,
He may have been eaten by cougars or bears,
I reported that he disappeared,
The officer said it wasn't weird,
"Many snowmen are giving friends scares." 

I NEED A PIECE OF MINCE MEAT PIE

Wendy baked a massive mince meat pie,
It alerted my sniffer; there was love in my eye,
If I am to prosper and live,
Please, a pie piece to me give,
Or, my will to live will just wither and die.

Monday, April 1, 2019

MY CHOICES OF A FISH FOR SUPPER

What fish do I eat tonight?
My goldfish is hanging with blight,
My swordfish is floating,
In some post mortem coating,
And, my guppy lerches to the right. 

MY SECRET INGREDIENT TO QUICK CAKES

I went to Kentucky to get me some snakes,
The ones that have rattles, the ones used in quick cakes,
I barely walked up a hill,
And, found a rattlesnake kill,
Thick boots, not sandals are what this trip takes.

APRIL FOOL'S AND THE FISH FACED ROBBERS

I saw 4 men dressed as fish get out of a tank,
They loaded their guns and went into a bank,
Then, when they were done looting,
They came out of the bank shooting,
April Fool's, I drove their tank into the lake where it sank.

Sunday, March 31, 2019

THE BAD, BAD SQUIRRELS

The squirrels ate all the snow monkeys now, the snow monkeys are gone,
They use to sing in harmony at the first frilled lights of dawn,
Now, there are just the squirrels to scream and mutter,
As they make their acorn butter,
And, they gnaw on nearby roadkill which, was just a little fawn.

Saturday, March 30, 2019

DINNER FROM A BOTTLE

I picked up some bottles to get something to eat,
I was hoping to get maybe some meat for a treat,
But, I didn't have much coin,
Settled for animal groin,
Next time I hope to afford feet.

Friday, March 29, 2019

THE TAMBOURLESS TAMBOURINE

My tambourine doesn't tambour at all,
It has a hole in the middle the size of a tether ball,
I lost my job in a band,
I live mouth to hand,
I need a tambourine repairman to call. 

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

STOCKS ARE MY FAMILY'S FUTURE

Today my stocks took quite a stumble,
It seems their earnings have taken a tumble,
I guess the kids will grow up lean,
No tacos and pizza; just pork and bean,
I can't wait until Christmas to hear them grumble. 

Monday, March 25, 2019

WHAT'S MY SOUL WORTH? APPARENTLY, A HALF A TANK OF GAS

The price of gas is high, to be frank,
I took out a new mortgage to buy just half of one tank,
I don't expect gas to be free,
But, I'm ruined financially,
And, my soul is owned by the bank.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

CHICKEN WIRE IS THE THING

Chicken wire is the thing,
To guard my tulips in the spring,
The rabbit will bite,
But, if the wire is tight,
He'll just bite wire if anything.

WHAT KILLED THE BLOODSUCKER?

What killed the bloodsucker I found on my arm?
What's in my blood that did this fella harm?
Was it the 10-year-old champagne?
Or, the 12-year-old candy cane?
My blood is toxic so, I feel some alarm.

Friday, March 22, 2019

VOLE SOUP

I had vole soup and it didn't taste good,
It sort of tasted like pine cone wood,
The little ears and little tails,
The little paws with little nails,
I soped my bread and ate what I could.  

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

MY SNOWMAN GOT BURNT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP

I know it's kind of a terrible thing,
But, I burnt my snowman on the first day of spring,
Our relationship is over,
Until, November or October,
I did recover our friendship gold bling. 

THE COUGAR IS COMING

If a cougar you want to stop,
First you give him a karate chop,
If he tears your arm off then you stop,
And, cry out for your mom and pop,

If a cougar sees you don't run away,
If you do he'll think you want to play,
He's going to eat you anyway,
Just chalk it off to one bad day,

The cougar is coming so, you'd best hide away,
He can still smell you for you didn't bathe today,
Now, when he eats you I can sneak off to the bay,
Out on your yacht I'll catch me some ray.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

FARM DATES

I ate fruits and veggies and bloated up really big,
I caught the eye of farm animals like the cow and the pig,
I told them I would not date,
I already had a mate,
I'm a trucker and I married my rig.

THE GAS GIANT PART III

I finally caught up with the gas giant near Orion's Belt,
He had been cloning raisins then, he started to smuggle felt, 
In the thirty-fifth century felt is very rare,
Anyone who controls the market could treat people most unfair,
I've promised all the giant's victims a piece of his cankered pelt.

Monday, March 18, 2019

SPRING: BUGS, SNAKES, EAGLES AND CAKES

Spring is when the bugs and snakes,
Wake up to hunt the foods each takes,
Melted highways will reveal their woe,
Revealing critters that moved much too slow,
Eagles feast on thawed meat cakes.  

Sunday, March 17, 2019

THE GALAXY CALLED NORM

As the toilet swirls so, goes the galaxy called Norm,
Often you can see it after an evening thunderstorm,
And, if in that galaxy you wish to be,
It takes four batteries labeled "D",
You'll  also need a flashlight to travel in photon form. 
  

OLD MURPHY LONGED FOR HOME ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Old Murphy thought of his home in Cork far, far away,
As he always did after the Ides of March on St. Patrick's Day,
Although in Murphy's grave his flesh did melt,
Beside his wife, the pretty Celt,
He longed for the place his ancestor's dwelt,
Where his heart would forever stay.  

PURSUIT OF THE GAS GIANT II

I am hunting down the gas giant for crimes that he's committed,
In every galaxy he's passed through the police he has outwitted,
The giant doesn't need a spacecraft for lightspeed to pass,
Lightspeed he achieves by release of noxious gas,
Warning:  if you breathe his molecules you'll soon be deemed dimwitted.

Saturday, March 16, 2019

I KNOWS MY BURGERS

No one knows the hamburgers; the hamburgers I've seen,
Some are full of chunks of fat and some are grizzle-lean,
I like my burgers moist inside,
With dark grill marks displayed with pride,
I want my burgers made with meat without a bit of bean,

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

I PRAY FOR THE VOLE

There was a vole under the snow,
He ate the bark on my trees, the trees died and wouldn't grow,
I tried forgiving thoughts but, my thoughts at best,
Labeled the vole a nasty pest,
I do pray that the vole finds eternal rest.

Monday, March 11, 2019

I GOT A NEW BODY TO HOLD MY BIG BRAIN

I got a new body to hold my gigantic brain,
It doesn't have heart failure or arthritis pain,
But, it was the body of a pig,
And, my brain was too big,
So, they trimed 10% now, I'm completely insane.  

Thursday, March 7, 2019

I FROZE MY NOSE

I froze my nose,
Then, off it goes,
My new nose is steel,
No sunburn, no peal,
 I still snore when I doze.

MY DRAGON WAS A PICKY EATER


I use to have a dragon and all he'd eat was rice,
I tried to feed him noodles that I bought for half the price,
My dragon said the noodles were too oldie,
And, he'd get a bellyache if they were moldy, 
But one day, my dragon did eat potatoes with a side of french fried mice.

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

WITH NO DEATH STICKS IN THE QUIVER, IT'S FAST DOWN THE RIVER

My bow has no quiver with death sticks to deliver,
I stand harmless in the snow with a shake and a shiver,
Along comes a buck with a large rack on his head,
It is all pointy points so, methinks I'll be dead,

The beast stabs at me in my kidney, heart and liver,
I step backwards and fall into the Manistee River,
Fast down the river my limp body works its way,
Until, it rests in a hole beneath wood, stones and clay.

GREEN PICKLE SLUSHIE

I found some pickles lying out in the snow,
They were dark colored and frozen so, I took them to go,
When the pickles thawed, they were mushy,
So, I made pickle slushie,
Boy, having my stomach pumped cost me some doe.

MY PLACE ON MARS

I got many scars while I was on mars because, I got into a brawl,
I got my scars while hoping bars with a Martian ten feet tall,
We were best pals til we met some gals then, the bartender yelled "last call,"
Then, the martian suddenly beat me until I could no longer creep or crawl,

I really like my martian friend but, I wish he would grow up,
I think I'll stay in my room for now, watching cable while I sup. 
 

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

NO LILLIES, NO LILLIES, JUST SNOW

No lillies, no lillies, just snow,
It seems only the snow banks can grow,
Will it ever be spring,
Or, just this winter hell thing,
I'm yearning for a thick lawn to mow.

THE IDES OF MARCH COME THIS WAY

The Ides Of March come this way,
With so many ex-wives I fear I am prey,
They have long memories, my wives,
 I fear their long knives,
For like Caesar, I'll become a fillet.

PLASTIC BEADS FOR MY NEEDS

I am an investor in plastic beads,
They are the savings for my future needs,
I know my investment is sound,
For they weigh up by the pound,
Soon, I can buy me a shop that sells meads. 

Monday, March 4, 2019

NINE WERE WOLVES AND TEN WERE PIGS

Nine were wolves and ten were pigs,
Nineteen souls dancing four-legged jigs,
The wolves made their call,
The pigs could only bawl,
The wolves finished the night eating pork stuffed figs.
 

I WISH I WAS A SLINKY

I wish I was a slinky, walking down the stairs,
If I were a slinky, I couldn't be ate by bears,
If I had a slinky life,
I'd grow old with my slinky wife,
And, we'd leave the stairway to all our slinky heirs. 

Sunday, March 3, 2019

I WENT TO THE DINER FOR BREAKFAST

I went out for breakfast for fried eggs, toast and bacon,
But, when I got to the diner all the seats had been taken,
It seems every breakfast was free,
For those who got there before me,
A nightmare from which I wish I'd awaken.

TWO MONKEYS IN MY BATHROOM

Two monkeys broke into my bathroom and they both used my toothbrush,
One monkey drank my mouthwash because that monkey was a lush,
The other chewed my toilet paper,
That was his major caper,
I'm so embarrassed by these crimes I think I'll be hush, hush.

Saturday, March 2, 2019

TWO FERAL PIGS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two feral pigs walked into a country bar,
They saw pickled pig's feet sitting in a glass jar,
One pig said, "they advertised pickled eggs,"
The other said, "I see feet but,where are the legs?"
The pigs stormed out and drove off in a car.  

Friday, March 1, 2019

A RIDE ON THE PRISE

I took a trip in a spacecraft called Private Enterprise,
The smallness of Earth really opened my eyes,
I then threw up my spaghetti,
Thought I saw a mama yeti,
And, I blacked out before I entered Earth's skies.

Thursday, February 28, 2019

WHEN IS A WINNER NOT A WINNER?

Jenny won an automatic toaster,
Jim won a new oven-roaster,
Jeffy won a coat,
Jamie won a boat,
All I won was a stained paper coaster. 

AI MEANS COFFEE MAKER GOODBYE

I upgraded my coffee maker so it now has AI,
If the coffee tastes bad I can ask the coffee maker"why?"
Then, one sobering day,
My coffee maker ran away.
Moving in with another coffee drinker guy. 

I WONDER ABOUT FISH

I wonder what the fish are thinking?
And, because fish are in water are they always drinking?
I wonder if they speculate about the nature of land,
Or, have tried watching cable using "On Demand."
I wonder if fish can perceive that they're sinking?
Or, do their eyeballs get dirty because, they're never blinking?

TWO DRAGONS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two dragons walked into a bar,
They breathed fire and smelled like hot tar,
The smell was not appealing,
Then, they stuck their heads through the ceiling,
Just to make a wish upon their lucky star.

TWO STRAWBERRIES WALKED INTO A BAR

Two strawberries walked into a bar for some rye,
A man with a bag of rhubarb gave them the eye,
The man then rolled out some dough,
The strawberries did not want to go,
But, they ended up in a strawberry-rhubarb pie.

TWO PANCAKES RUE THIS DAY

Two pancakes walked into a bar,
They wanted to borrow a car,
They were tossed on a plate,
By a lumberjack ate,
With syrup from a fresh opened jar.

OLD FASHIONED YARD JARTS WITH THE LONG, POINTY SPEAR

I went to the third moon of OOh-OOh to play professional yard jarts,
It's played at nightfall, at least that's when the tournament starts,
Each jart has a fifteen foot spear,
Sharp enough to take down a big deer,
During tournament, you'd best look out for your parts. 

THE FEBRUARY BRIGHT LIGHT

On the last day of February I saw something yellow and bright,
Then, a voice beyond the grave said, "walk into the light,"
 The voice I didn't know,
But, I was ready to go,
Then, I got hit by a car now, it's night.

THE ZOMBIES

Zombies tend to snore a lot because they have no brains,
They attempt to fill the spaces sucking air with heaving pains,
 But, zombies do not snore all night,
To get brains they just need to bite,
Of course they cannot bite each other because that's what zombie law ordains,

Now, most zombies have lots of human friends,
And, the zombie decides when that friendship ends,
 The friendship ends mostly over lunch,
When the friend's skull gets a crunch,
Of course, once the friend's skull is crunched upon the friendship never mends.

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

TWO WOLVERINES WALKED INTO A BAR

Two wolverines walked into a hunter's bar,
They were looking for meat to vacuum pack in a jar,
Although, the hunters were many,
The wolverines didn't take any,
Saying the hunters smelled like old socks and cigar.

TWO DEER WALKED INTO A BAR

Two deer walked into a bar,
They wondered who owned the red car,
It had run down their bud Jack,
The driver didn't even look back,
The deer carried feathers and tar.

A FOOL AND HIS CAR ON THIN ICE ARE SOON PARTED

I drove my car out on the ice to do some tip up fishing,
Then, I found out that safe ice was just some foolish wishing,

Under my tires there was a "crack, crack,"
Then, I knew the lake was about to attack,
And, down went my car,
But, it didn't sink too far,
For it landed on another car's back. 

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

MY PITBULL THE RASCAL

My pitbull, The Rascal, he chewed off my arm,
Then, he carried it around like it was his lucky charm,
I refuse now to cook,
On account of my hook,
Rascal gets meals from the neighboring farm.

Monday, February 25, 2019

I DREAM NO SNOW BUT, WHAT WILL I REAP?

I dream of long, long ago,
When I was not buried in all this snow,
When the sun gave off a warm, golden glow,
And, heating my home didn't take all my dough,

 I long for the world when the weather was better,
I cursed those hot days now, I'm a regretter,
Those days I did not wear sweater upon sweater,
And, worry my kitty may freeze because he's a bed wetter.

So it goes as I am freezing,
And, every breath I tend toward wheezing,
With a bronchial cough and sinus sneezing,
I greatly fear the grim reaper is teasing.  


THE WINTER APOCALYPSE HAS WINNERS

In the post-winter apocalypse the snowmen win,
They don't have to worry about frozen dead skin,
The whirlwinds of ice and snow,
Only makes the snowmen grow,
The snowmen hunt for humans for a frozen snowman din.

BEWARE OF SPACEMEN WITH PYRAMIDS

A spaceman built a pyramid ship in the middle of my backyard,
Then, he told me to stay away from it and he posted a robot guard,
But, when the robot had to recharge I snuck inside the ship,
Inside I found a swimming pool and so I took a dip,
And, while I took a swim the spaceman stole my credit card. 

Sunday, February 24, 2019

A SNOW DAY IN MICHIGAN

The cold blowing air puts an ache in my teeth,
If my frostbite lasts much longer I'll get an R.I.P. wreath,
The cold, howling winds sing a song,
I think a dirge; I hope that I'm wrong,
Is my grave this snowdrift I'll soon be beneath?  

AN ANGEL PLAYING IN THE SNOW

I thought I saw an angel out playing in the snow,
Alas, it was just a neighbor trying to get his blower to blow,
I'd loan him my snow shovel,
But, the snow caved in my hovel,
Now, everything I ever owned was drifted down below.

WINTER LEGEND OF THE SUN

People talk about a hot star called the sun,
It's just a legend told to children for fun,
For the gale winds full of snow,
Is all that we know,
Winter is our season; only one.
 

BEDWETTER WHO HAD NO GIRLFRIEND

The judge said my teenage soul needed a revamp,
So, he sent me away to bandcamp,
I started dating this girl,
Till my bunkmates called me a squirrel,
Because I drank pop and my beding was damp.   

A VOLE IN THE HOLE

A little vole climbed into my ear hole and ate my brains like candy,
After the feast, that little beast relaxed with a fine glass of brandy,
As a brain lacking sinner,
I think only of dinner,
Although, for some reason all I eat seems quite sandy.

I COME DOWN WITH DISEASE

I went on a trip and come down with disease,
I cannot pronounce it with all the "Q"s and the "P"s,
With my ratio of lost weight,
I've confirmed an end date, 
Unless, the angels keep me going to tease.

TIGHT PAIN

Poor old Mitchel lacked in brights,
That's why he wore too tight his tights,
Fed to his brain,
Was constant pain,
Worse than his gig playing knights.  

A BACKWOODS HELLO

In the backwoods the language of gunfire go,
If a bullet hits you it means one thing; a miss means hello,
Don't bother to run,
For every cos has a gun, 
And, while in their crosshairs you'll be moving too slow.

WHY MARS INVADES

I didn't see it coming, that is, the invasion from Mars,
I was busy canning tomatoes in wide mouth mason jars,
The martian army was sent,
Because their king was quite bent,
On exporting my tomatoes on out to the stars.

Saturday, February 23, 2019

MY BANDCAMP DAYS WHEN I WAS 8 YEAR OLD

I went to band camp and got spanked on the rear,
It was because I didn't know Brahms'  birthday was near,
Then, I got a hot shower scaldi,
Because, I misinterpreted Vivaldi,
And, my Bach chamber music brought tear. 

I BUILT A CITY IN JUST 4 SQUARE FEET

I built a model city using only 4 square feet,
It even has a factory that makes drums for kids to beat,
And, of course it has a tiny train,
With a small airport for a plane,
And, through a window at city hall, sits the mayor in his seat.

Saturday, January 5, 2019

OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW IN WINTER

My bedroom window was left open all day,
The winter snows poured inward that way,
So, with two feet of snow,
My bedroom was no place to go,
The couch near the fireplace was a nice stay.