HERE COME THE IDES

On January 13th, here come the Ides,
I’m not sure if you get low or high tides,
The best thing to do,
Is go to the zoo,
And, see if the bears will give you free rides.

WHEN I BOUGHT THE WHOLE BAR A ROUND LIMERICK

When I figured my finances were solid and sound,
I decided to buy the whole bar a round,
But I came up real short,
And, the bar keep no sport,
I still remember how hard he could pound.

AN OLD DRAGON NAMED FRED

There was an old dragon named Fred,
He ate only things that were red,
He ate a red boat,
Then tried to go float,
But he sank to the bottom instead.

11422

VOLES I FEAR

In the garden, some fear goblins, some fear trolls,

Some fear gnomes, but I fear voles,

Voles plague me with fear,

That they'll chew off my ear,

And, hide it in one of their holes.

11322

TENNESSEE MOONSHINE GENES

Because I live in Tennessee,

I drank moonshine till I couldn't see,

Then mamma gave me a slap,

Said I was a drunk, just like pap,

He'd pass out, then he'd pee.

GRANDMA MARGE

I had a grandma named Marge,
Grandma Marge was not very large,
In fact, she was very small,
But, when all the chips were flat down,
She'd turn upside down your fat frown,
For her heart was real wide and real tall.

ODE TO JERRY THE SNOW TURTLE

Jerry was a snow turtle,
He did not like the sun,
It was only in the winter,
That Jerry had any fun,

Jerry liked to snowboard,
He liked to downhill ski,
Jerry’s shell was completely white,
This made him hard to see,

Once when racing downhill,
With five snowboarders on his tail,
Jerry had a dreaded spill,
And was chopped up like first class mail,

Everyone mourned the loss,
Of the turtle who could ski a loop,
For on the slopes he was the boss,
In the kitchen he’s turtle soup.

A FUN FILLED EVENING FOR TWO (DATE NIGHT)

With pots and pans, a dinner I'll make,

 Desert will be a choc frosting cake,

I'll then have a nightcap,

Take a night nap,

In the a.m., out the garbage I'll take.

THE STORY OF TORTY THE PIG

Torty is a really simple pink pig,

So simple he failed algebra, calc and then trig,

So Torty quit school, 

Bought a small plastic pool,

And filled it with slop he could swig.

WOE CAUSED BY SNOW, NOW NO CASTLE TO KEEP

The roof on my home was felled by the snow,

The roof completely collapsed, so I had nowhere to go,

I could only weep,

I had no castle to keep,

And  winter nights are a cause of great woe. 

FLIES IN A JAR

For most flies have such little appeal,
Yet, I decided to keep flies in a jar with a seal,
They are comforting pets,
With their appendage sets,
Now, I promote them as pets with a zeal.

MICHIGANDERS LOVE COLD

In Michigan we love our cold,

We pass out hot cocoa to young and old,

And, when the snow gets real deep,

Beneath its cover we'll creep,

To seek food like leaf worms or green mold. 

PARNELL WENT TO WORK AND LOST HIS JOB

Parnell went to work and lost his job,
He worked in retail and looked like a slob,
His cloths did not fit,
He smelled just a bit,

And the register, Parnell liked to rob.

SHERMAN WAS A GOODY TWO SHOES, NOW HE IS A POP

Sherman was,a goody two shoes, every single day,

He never lied, never bad things he tried, he was goody all the way,

Then he went to band camp,

Where bad thoughts went up amp,

Now he has 30 children, and another pops today.

MY WALL STREET JOB IS IN THE TOILET

I decided to work on Wall Street,
To prepare I ate only raw meat,
At first I felt like a lion,
Then, I swore I was dyin',
Vomit paid for my exchange seat. 

SHELLY WAS A GOODY TWO SHOES

Shelly was a goody two shoes,
She would not smoke or touch the booze,
But, when she left Randy,
She ate too much candy,
Now, wherever she goes she must ooze.

No Flying Plane But I Had Pie

I flew an airplane but didn't get high,

I only got up two feet in the sky,

At least I did not crash,

And saved on jet fuel, like cash,

So instead of flight I'll just eat berry pie.

WENDEL ATE TOO MUCH WHOOPEE WEED

Wendel was a poisoned frog,
He ate too much whoopee weed,
He'd be fine if he just ate the stalks,
But, he also ate the seed,

No one knew how sick Wendel was,
Because his skin was always green,
They thought Wendel had just caught a buzz,
Until he coughed up half his spleen,

Wendel made it to a medic,
Now he is o.k.
He just had a three day headache,
Whoopee weed he avoids today.

01922