I HAVE NO FRIGHT, EXCEPT FROSTBITE

I could not pay my gas bill for months, because those funds I lack,

I'm waiting for my kerosene heater to heat up my shack,

In a couple of more days,

I must heat in other ways, 

When my kerosene runs out, I'll suffer a frostbite attack.

MY LITTLE PET TOAD LIMERICK

My little pet toad sleeps so easy,
He drinks rum but, he never gets queasy,
His constitution's deluxe
It is never in flux,
Even with a cold he never gets sneezy.

PP102321

WADING FOR DINNER: A FISHERMAN'S STORY

I went fishing, wading out in the dark,
I was hungry and my kitchen was stark,
I had my red worms and beer,
And, the beer gave me such cheer,
 Until, I stepped on a hammerhead shark.

BLUE BALL IN LOVE

Tony liked his sports, if he could play with real blue balls,

So, he played at beaches searching for the best blue volleyballs

Soon he came upon his prince,

A body builder, named Blue Vince,

One was tall and one was short, but their overcame those walls.

CHICKEN OR AN EGG

I went to Miami and bought me some eggs,

I cracked one open, and got a beak and two legs,

Two eyes were staring at me,

So, I fried it all in ghee,

And fed the lot to my dog, Little Megs.

BENNY BUILT A TIME MACHINE

PP033122

Benny built a time machine,

But, he benefited not,

For when he went back to change the past,

The future he forgot.
 

JIM WILL BE SQUATTING WITHOUT ANY BLUE BALLS.

Jim is just a squatter on this little blue ball, earth,

Jim squats, and squats, and squats, and grows a bigger girth, 

One day Jim will galaxy away,

Where there's mean, Jim will not stay,

Then Jim will squat again, just like a brand new birth.

I PUBLISHED A POST

I published a post, but the post was not ready,

It had all the words, but the logic was unsteady,

So, I spent all the day,

Moving words to convey,

And letters from A to old Zeddy.

PP020322

UNDERSTAND THE BAND

There are not too many trumpets in my band,

Because they played so bad most of the kids were banned,

But, through some band parent/teachers host,

The banned players were no longer ghosts,

I just hope those who have to listen understand. 

THE DAY OF THE FIVE HOUNDS

Freddy fried a big pan of a food called bubble and squeak,

He fed it to his five hound dogs, and soon the house did wreak,

Freddy used his bathroom spray,

It made the worst smell go away,

But, Freddy almost passed out, when the smells were at their peak.

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

THE BREWMEISTER BEAST IN MY CRAWLSPACE

In my crawl space there lives a great beast,

He brews his own beer and demands lots of yeast,

But, where my wallet stops,

Is buying pricey hops,

He can make wine with just sugar and yeast. 

PP083122

THE LITTLE PIGGY POEM

LITTLE PIGGY, LITTLE PIGGY
Little piggy, little piggy your cuteness is lame,
You are not housebroken and therefor not tame,
No matter how you are trained you end up the same,
You crap on the floor, and you won't take the blame.

EAT OR BE EATEN BY PIGS

Bill liked his pork chops, he ate them sit times a day,

Bill raised his own pigs, and saved money that way,

One day Bill's heart, it stoped,

Into the pig pen he dropped,

Bill's pigs ate Bill all up, that's what his neighbors say.

THE BEST BUNS, STAKE AND CHEESE

I went to Salisbury to eat me some stake,

It's served between big buns, best that anyone can bake,

With sausage gravy and cheese,

For little me, it do please,

Then for desert I eat the whipped cream and pound cake.

DARK SKIES LEAD TO T FOR THE D

There was no shadow behind the tree,

Because the sun was history,

For the skies darkening clouds,

Were like piling on shrouds,

I was so depressed, then I took my tea.

PP101022

SQUISHY RHUBARB PIE

My rhubarb pie came out real squishy,

Cousin Tim, wouldn't eat it, nor would cousin Trishy,

Uncle Bob ate it, and got really sick,

As did dad and mom and grandma Vick,

May they get well is my holiday wishy.

   

THERE WAS A ROCKBASS NAMED MURKY

There was a rock bass named Murky,
When he swam he swam really Jerky,
He swam over a dam,
Did a forehead slam,
Now he thinks that he is a turkey.

PP090823

THURMOND'S TELESCOPE IS FOR THE BIRDS

Thurmond's telescope made the news one day,

When Thurmond saw spacecrafts heading our way,

After networks broadcast his words,

The spacecrafts turned out to be birds,

There was a crow, a dove and blue jay.

PP033022
 

I DIG POTATOES AND WATCH THE GOAT

I found a little fig,

It seemed to dance a jig,

Was ate by a goat named Tig,

Who chewed up my daddy's wig,

All, while potatoes I did dig.

FREE CANDY CANES ARE NOT ALWAYS FREE

I love to get free candy canes everywhere I go,

But, now most stores don't give them out, 

So, my stash stays pretty low,

Of course, I can go to grandmas and pick them off her tree 

But, if she catches me she spanks me on her gnarled knee,

Now, I am nearly forty and grandma's ninety-three,

I just hope she don't hurt her hip, when lambasting little me.

PP122318

   

HEAT, LIGHTS, TIGHTS AND POO SOAP

The Christmas presents I got, I took back to the store,

I can use the cash from the returns, much, much more,

I can pay my heat and lights,

Maybe, buy new ballet tights,

And some soap, to scrub the dog poo off the floor.

TINSEL TOES THE BEAR

The bear put shiny tinsel on his toes,

Wherever he travels, the tinsel goes,

No one will dare,

Making fun of that bear,

Or, they be counting their multiple woes.

THE WERECOYOTE

A werecoyote has come along,

So, I wrote a werecoyote song,

He was my best friend Mat,

Then he ate my tom cat,

A werecoyote is a critter that's just wrong.

WHEN THE SNOW BLOWS

When the snow blows and cold comes through your cracks,
You stuff newspaper in the holes to keep warm your shacks,
Shove up the stove with wood,
When it's red hot, it is good,
It is then time to wait 'till the frost bite attacks.

When the snow blows it makes hurt on my feet,
I run out of food and have nothing to eat,
And when the snow blows,
I'll have to cut off my toes,
But, at least I will have some fresh meat.

P020223

THE TWO PETER POEM

Peter I and Peter II were competitive twins,
They also shared both their virtues and their sins,
They both had a penchant for mutton,
Upon which they each were a gluten,
The one that dies the very fattest, I guess wins.

P050722

NO GREETING CARD, JUST BAD NEWS FROM THE BANK

I went outside and got the mail, at the breaking of the dawn,

It was no greeting card, but a notice I was overdrawn,

I went to the bank,

I was in the tank,

No prob, I got stuff to pawn.

WILLY WITH FEW NEEDLES

There was a red pine tree named Willie,
He had few needles and looked silly,
All the other trees,
Did nothing but tease,
The near naked tree nick named Billy.

Willie was a red pine tree,
He grew real tall so he could see,
But, the great sacrifice,
Made things turn out not nice,
Willies needles poored down like a sea.

UNCLE JAKE IS NUTS, BUT HE DIDN'T HURT ANYONE THIS CHRISTMAS

Christmas is all over, and I am giving Uncle Jake a golden star,

He did not try to run us over in his Lincoln Continental car,

I took away his baseball bat,

Replaced it with a tin foil hat,

And, I sent with him home, my homemade mincemeat in a jar.

INKY IN THE DEEP

When Inky my pet octopus died,

His friend Boris, the bear cried and cried

Down my new toilet bowel,

Went Inky's remains and soul,

To the septic, Inky had a nice ride.

INKY THE OCTOPUS AND BORIS THE BEAR

My pet octopus has run out of ink,

That's why he has turned a pale shade of pink,

His friend, my pet bear,

Is very aware,

For the two of them have a strong psychic link.

CHRISTMAS WAS MY NO PIE CRY DAY

For Christmas dinner, I forgot to bake pie,

I was confronted by my guests, who asked why?

I was so full of despair,

I pulled out my hair,

And, locked myself in my bedroom to cry.❄😭

MORT THE ROBOT-Limerick

There was a robot named Mort,
For a tin man he was real short,
He could not compute,
Or, do a square root,
He couldn't even write a report.

Mort was a real klutzy robot,
He was one since he was a tin tot,

He couldn't run in gym,
He would sink and not swim,
His circuits were covered with rot.

Mort went for years to robot school,
He still turned out to be a real fool,
He could not count past three,
Or, pronounce the letter "B",
Now, he's just someone's can opener tool.

TRINA THE POND

Trina the snow-lady got hammered by storm,

It was blowy and snowy, real windy and warm,

Trina was no brainy,

And, when the snow became rainy,

Trina melted to water and showed her true form.

P113022

I

TREE

                              LCB

I eat my crumpets, sip my tea,

From my kitchen, I can see,

I have a beautiful pine tree,

It's free spirit makes me feel free,

I'll make a swing, then I'll go "Wee!"😁

BALLAD OF THE WINTER WONDER BAND

They were called the Winter Wonder Band,

They Played polka across all the land,

People who danced,

Were soul enhanced,

Gorging on cabbage and trout that they canned.

MARY’S TOES WERE REALLY JAMMED

Mary’s toes were really jammed,
Her smelly feet gave her friends woe,
But, her nose was stuffed and smelled no scent,
So, she gave her nose a blow.

Mary's shirt showed off her dinner,
From the night before,
Mary seldom did her laundry,
She found that chore a bore,

Mary had no significant other,
For she had such quirky ways,
Mary graded on the nerves of another,
While on herself she lauded praise.

P2052611

I BLAME MY BROTHER

Those little elves have been spying for Santa Claus,

I haven't been good, so this years presents might pause,

I think it wise,

Not to apologise,

I'll blame my brother for the bad things I cause.

P2121122

THOSE THIEVING DINOSAURS

A pterodactyl flew off with my banana,

A triceratops ripped off my bandana, 

A brontosaurus stole my car,

An ichthyosaur grabbed my guitar,

And, a tyrannosaur ate my favorite nanna.

P2

THE CHRISTMAS THREE

Jessie was told to setup a Christmas tree,"

But, earwax caused Jessie to hear "Christmas Three,"

Jessie worked day and night,

To make his three look just right,

It looked so nice everyone just let it be.

ALL THAT BANGING MUST HURT

Johnny banged, and banged, and banged on the floor,

Johnny hurt his self, and he did it no more,

He calmed down real good,

He did just as he should,

Then David started bang, bang, banging the door.