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Saturday, December 30, 2017

POOR PLANNING ON MY NEW YEAR'S EVE

I had poor planning on my New Year's Eve,
Thin ice lost me my sled on Little Lake Steve,
And, deep the motor went humming,
Be there till second coming,
Perhaps insurance will grant me reprieve.



Thursday, December 28, 2017

MERMAID IN A CAN OR PSYCHOLOGY 101

I like tuna fish but, the family will not touch,
I say it's the perfect fish but, they say the fish taste is too much,
So, tuna fish at my house is under a family ban,
But, we all chow down on what I've renamed "Mermaid In A Can." 

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

GEORGE WAITED TO SEE THE NEW YEAR

George waited to see the New Year,
He drank fifty cans of light beer,
To the bathroom he went,
He stayed in there 'till Lent,
So he misssed all the fun and the cheer.

Friday, December 8, 2017

A BAD LIMERICK

I made a limerick up last week,
Its rhymes were solid but rhythms weak,
It wasn’t funny,
Or sad or sunny,
And, its wisdom you would not seek.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

CANNING TOMATOES HAIKU

Canning tomatoes,
Big mess on counter and floor,
Spoiled, belly ache.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

THERE WAS A COLLEGE STUDENT NAMED DRAKE

There was a college student named Drake,
Over and over the same class he'd take,
The first time he got a "C",
The second time a grade "B",
He should get an "A" now for goodness sake.



Saturday, December 2, 2017

THERE WAS A BAND THAT PLAYED TOO LOUD

There was a band that played too loud,
They were really bad but, quite proud,
They could not rap,
Nor rhythm tap,
They could never did draw a big crowd.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

MY PRETTY PET PIG

My pretty pet pig felt so forsaken,
When her boyfriend was sold for back bacon,
I fed her a lunch,
It was bacon,” crunch, crunch”,
She wonders why her heart had been achin’.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

THE MIXED METAPHOR OPINIONS

Once I was a young belligerent fool,
My refrigerant filled veins I thought were cool,
I was a well meaning gent,
But, my opinions were  too bent,
To make them a real useful tool.
   

Saturday, November 4, 2017

TOTAL MICHIGAN SEASONS : 2.1

In Michigan you don't get much fall,
Fall is hardly a season at all,
Fall is just a small splinter,
Between summer and winter,
And, the spring season we don't get at all.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

SANTA WENT FISHING LIMERICK

Santa went fishing way out on a bay,
He ran out of bait so he used his tope,
He caught a big steelhead trout,
His tope went to the bottom no doubt,
Now, Santa is bald untill this very day.

ODE TO THE DEEP DARK WEB

Why not live on the deep dark web,
The deep dark web's for me,
Why not live on the deep dark web,
Where the media all comes free,

I use to pay for this and that,
Yeah, all those subscriber fees,
I ate Ramon noodles while the fat cats got fat,
I watched old TV while they watched new sleaze,

Now, I recommend the deep dark web,
You get great content without the billing,
The games, music, and shows on the deep dark web,
Are absolutely thrilling,

Well, things have changed an awful lot,
Since, I found the deep dark web,
It's like I've found a new formed Camelot,
While, my cash outflows have a major ebb.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

THE FISH BAIT WHITTLER

I sat in my yard swing giving four hours to a whittle,
Carving a fish bait to the size of a skittle,
Now, some think I should do more,
Than wasting hours times four,
But, I think carving wastes my time very little.

HENRY'S RUBBER CRAWLERS

Henry went fishing with his rubber crawlers,
They work really well behind fishing traulers,
Just tie on the harness for the worm,
Watch him wiggle and squirm,
Some worms are just natural brawlers.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

MY COMPUTER IS SLOWING WAY DOWN

My computer is slowing way down,
My smile is now a stiff frown,
Could  it be  a virus today?
Or, the net's slow with E-bay?
I'm going  to bed after I put on my gown.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

THE CATFISH WAS A GAS AT MY PARTY

A well dressed catfish showed up at my party,
We played clue and that catfish was a smarty,
He always knew which weapon and room,
And thus, the murderer he could assume,
Too bad he ate bean dip and got farty.

BANKERS THEE

Mel and Bernie Bankers Thee,
What will you guys take from me?
You took my money,
You took my house,
You even took my kids and spouse.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

GUIDE TO BEING A LADIES MAN LIMERICK

If a guy over ladies wants power,
Then, at least once a day he should shower,
And, to remove a romantic despair,
A guy should well wash his hair,
And, fart only once every hour.

Monday, October 23, 2017

A LEPRECHAUN NAMED PETE

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he’d eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

There was a leprechaun named Sam,
He loved his eggs, bacon and ham,
He once ate a green bean,
It gassed up his small spleen,
Then, he released the gas with a “Bam!”

Sunday, October 22, 2017

BANKING, FRANKING, THE MARKETS AND ME

I lost my money in shadow banking,
While the markets rose my account was tanking,
Of course when the markets eroded,
My account  then imploded,
Now, I invest in collectible franking.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

CORRINE THE MERMAID IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

Corrine is a mermaid in Grand Traverse Bay,
She is shy so if she sees you she will swim away,
She swims free like a trout,
But, watches all about,
I'd like to meet and greet her one day.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

CHIPMUNK VS SQURREL SHOPPIING PHILOSOPHY

The squirrel went to a regular store,
The chipmunk shopped online,
The chipmunk drank his cheap label beer,
The squirrel sampled fine cheese and wine.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

THERE ONCE WAS A CROCODILE NAMED LARRY LIMERICK 1

There once was a crocodile named Larry,
He was the only crock that was hairy,
His fangs were real long,
His claws sharp and strong,
He certainly looked very scary.

Monday, October 9, 2017

THE ROAD MOST TAKEN

If you take the road most taken,
You’ll bring home a lot of bacon,
Take the road that’s not,
You won’t have a pot,
Then, with your family you will be forsaken.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

DANNY HATED BOOKS

Danny hated books,
Reading hurt his head too much,
Became Senator.

Monday, October 2, 2017

LARRY THE CROCODILE LIMERICK 2

Larry the crocodile owns a bank,
He swims all day in his deluxe fish tank,
If your payments are late,
Then, you will surely be ate,
It's a fate with a really low rank.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

GENERATIONS NO DOUGH

The days are long,
The nights are short,
So, my late nights out,
I must abort,

Working long hours,
Can't get ahead,
What the man don't steal,
I must send to the fed,

I have no vacations,
I have low pay,
While my rich, rich boss,
Lives on holiday,

My parents were poor,
No money to blow,
So, ad infinitum,
Generations, no dough.

Friday, September 29, 2017

PEPPY THE ANTIQUE PICKER LIMERICK

Peppy was a popular picker of antique coins and clothes,
She did not have to see a top pick; she could smell it with her nose,
But, something went really funny,
When Peppy thought she smelled old money,
Because, the smell came from the big toe jams in between her toes.





Wednesday, September 20, 2017

THE TWIT WHO WRIT THE SKIT

I be the twit who writ the skit,
About the possum who liked to knit,
I thought it had an Emmy's gold glow,
As a series TV show,
Alas, I found no network who liked the bit.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

SAVANNAH TOO SMART

Savannah was just too smart,
She was segregated apart,
She had such a yearn,
To be too stupid to learn,
And to laugh when one throws a lawn jart.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

MY SPACE/TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN LIMERICK

My time/space machine just broke right down,
I spilled my beer and the darn thing shorted queen's royal crown,
It will  just not start,
It won’t blink or spit a fart,
I guess I’m stuck in this miserable earthling smelling town.

CLARITY OF MIND

Today I had a "clarity of mind,"
I realized that I was in a real bind,
My taxes were due,
My insurances too,
And, no money could I find.


Saturday, September 9, 2017

IVAN THE BEAR LIKES FISH

There was a grizzly bear named Ivan,
In the river he'd go a diving,
He'd make a wish,
Dive for a fish,
A fish dinner he was a striving.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

BUNNY BLUE WAS MY FAVORITE BOOK

Bunny Blue was my favorite book,
My mom would read it in the window nook,
And, every single word,
I memorized as I heard,
With each page where my eyes took a look.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

MY CRITIQUE OF DINERS

I read all the silly little signs,
At the places where I dines,
I also notice the sticky tables,
And, the toilet monsters born from fables,
But, all ends well with beers and wines. 

Monday, August 21, 2017

THE ONLINE CREEPY CRAWLERS

Everywhere online I go,

The creepy crawlers think they know,

My wants good and bad,

They target with ad,

To get a click to make some dough.


Friday, August 18, 2017

TEQUILA AND THE ECLIPSE

I went up the hill to watch the eclipse,
The walk was really hard on my hips,
And, Old Sol was unkind,
For my stares made me blind,
Or, was it the tequila that passed over my lips.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

TOO LATE FOR THE TIN TOY SOLDIERS

My tin soldiers were all covered in crust,
I had left them outside for years to just rust,
I cleaned them one day,
And, the rust crust went away,
As my tin soldiers all crumbled to dust. 

MY GIRLFRIEND PICKS HER NOSE HAIKU

Girlfriend picks her nose,
Not happy with what I see,
She has job, ignore.

Friday, August 11, 2017

PAPA CRAIG MITCHELL MIXED HIS COFFEE AND TEA

Papa Craig Mitchell mixed his coffee and tea,
He added milk, sugar and, honey made by a bee,
Many thought he was insane,
Some disease of the brain,
But, Papa Craig Mitchell still lives at age 93.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

MY BANKER TOLD ME TO BUY REAL ESTATE LIMERICK

My banker told me to buy real estate,
I lost my shirt by the closing date,
My broker said buy stocks,
Then, stocks hit the rocks,
I guess being broke is just my fate.

Friday, August 4, 2017

A WORLD FULL OF PEOPLE

I went to the store but, the lot was filled up,
So, I went to a restaurant to get me some sup,
Now, I had no place at a table,
No one leaving, the place was stable,
So, I went home and had noodles in a cup.



Tuesday, July 25, 2017

I LOST MY JOB ETC. LIMERICK

I lost my job, my car and, my home,
I'm kind of stuck with no where to roam,
I've moved in with my parents,
I'm here with forbearance,
I can't drink the stuff with the foam.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

WITH NO SPINNER I'LL HAVE NO FISH FOR DINNER

I did not catch no fish for dinner,
For in the weeds I lost my spinner,
And, spinners bring joy,
To each fish girl and fish boy,
So, with no spinner I'm no winner.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

JOY FOR FOOD SAMPLES

I like food stores that give out free samples,
Especially, if those samples are amples,
Ample for a whole meal,
And, so I don't feel like I steal,
A sign so my rep don't get tramples.

Friday, July 21, 2017

THE LEANEST CHICKEN SANDWICH IS NOT AS GOOD AS BEAN

I ate a chicken sandwich guaranteed to be lean,
But, there wasn't any chicken for the sandwich bun was clean, 
And, I was in a daze,
Because, there was no mayonnaise,
So, next time I want some protein I'll order a sandwich made from bean. 


Sunday, July 16, 2017

DOWN CAME THE OLD WHITE PINE LIMERICK

Down came the old white pine,
After a lightning bolt broke its spine,
Now, I'll use the branches and splinters,
For hearth fires in future winters,
And, leave the needles so the critters to dine.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

I JUST MADE THIS TWEET

I just made this tweet,
I just made this twitter,
I commented on someone's poor hygiene,
Then, their response was bitter.

THERE WAS A BAND THAT PLAYED OUT OF TUNE

A band played way out of tune,
They played from midnight until noon,
And, they could not keep a beat,
Even tapping their feet,
I wish they would quit really soon.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

DRIVER'S EYE EXAM HAIKU

Driver’s exam, eyes,
Letters, blur, blur, gone, can't see,
No see, no drive, Failed!

I DID NOT FRECKLE WELL

I fear my face has been Dr. Jeckeled,
I went to bed with clear skin and woke up all freckled,
And, the great change in my face,
Has my friends on my case,
For all the rest of the day I was heckled.


Wednesday, June 28, 2017

IT'S FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH THE LIMERICK

It's Friday the Thirteenth and I can't win,
I'm being visited by a houseful of kin,
They devoured all my steaks,
Leaving me to eat just pancakes,
And, they drank all of my beer, wine, bourbon and gin.

Monday, June 26, 2017

NO PAY NO STAY

Your rent you must always pay,
If you don‘t you‘ll be forced away,
Like my parents would always say,
“Remember son, no pay no stay.”

Sunday, June 25, 2017

JASON WAS THE LIMERICK KING

Jason was the limerick king,
He could rhyme about anything,
He was good with the rhyme,
But his time was a crime,
So he never had any bling.

JASON TRIED TO WRITE MUSIC VERSE

Jason tried to write music verse,
But, each revision sounded worse,
His love unrequited,
Got no one excited,
He became a registered nurse.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

HAROLD THE THESPIAN

Harold was a thespian,
He wrote the thespian news,
In order to right something that sounded good,
Harold really hit the hard booze,

So many actors were really bad,
Harold could not hide his humor,
They gave so much that it was sad,
That their acting was a cancer tumor,

Their timing was way off,
Their sincerity was not true,
They sounded best when someone would cough,
They were terrible and all but, they knew.

Friday, June 23, 2017

LIONS NEED ME

Woods, full of lions,
Stalking, drooling, pining me,
Feelings, needed, me.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

THE YELLOWED COWBOY HAT OF TEXAS

I decided to go to the Western Bar,
I walked because it was not too far,
My white cowboy hat had yellowed,
So, passersby bellowed,
My western look wasn't quite par.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

HOT APPS AND MY BANJO CAN'T PLAY

My fingers got blown off today,
Now, my banjo I clearly can't play,
I blame my cell phone,
Which was explosion prone,
Because, of hot apps downloaded in May.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

HEADLESS BODIES AND SHARKS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

In Grand Traverse Bay there are sharks who will bite,
So, onto your arms and your legs hold on tight,
And, best guard your head,
If sharks eat that you're dead,
And, headless bodies fill tourists with fright.

Friday, June 2, 2017

I GOT A CRICKET

I got a cricket beneath my old bed,
I got it's chirping in my throbbing head,
So, I took a look,
To smack him with a book,
Out the window the cricket done fled.


Saturday, May 27, 2017

HOLIDAY CRISIS

Everyone has left town for a holiday bash,
It's off to the lake for a tan and a splash,
And, the prices I'm told,
Reflect a weekend oversold,
So, there's a crisis of credit and cash,

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

THE FLOWERLESS FLOWER MOON

I woke from sleep to see the Flower Moon,
I pierced through my window like the great sun at noon,
But, I saw no flowers,
Just star bunches and towers,
I'm thinking "weed" would be the moon's name in June.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

I STEADIED MY JIG TO EAT FISH LIKE A PIG

I went fishing out on the waves so big,
I used 10 lbs of sinkers to steady my jig,
And, did I hook a whopper,
A real surface flopper,
Then, that night I ate fish like a pig.


Tuesday, May 2, 2017

THE SHARKS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

There's sharks in Grand Traverse Bay,
Otherwise, it's a nice place to stay,
But, the sharks always attack,
Few swimmers come back,
And, upfront at hotels you must pay.

Monday, May 1, 2017

HAMELET THE DIPSY DIVER SWIMS FAST

Hamlet was a shy dipsy diver bug,
He'd dive if he caught a glimpse of your mug,
He'd swim ten foot away,
Before you could say,
"He must use a performance enhancing drug."

Monday, April 24, 2017

POISED TO BE A WINNER

I am poised to be a winner if, no one else shows up,
I will run the mighty hometown dash and take home the winner's cup,
For although I know I'm slow,
If no one else shows up at go,
I will be attended by my fans tonight at the local brew and sup.


Thursday, March 30, 2017

MY ROOMMATE IS A PIG POEM

My roommate lives on the dole,
He never sweeps the floor,
He never cleans the toilet bowl,
Or, flushes anymore,

My roommate lives just day to day,
He never has a job,
The rent he'll never help to pay,
He is just a big fat slob,

My roommate is just not all there,
He'll never get a gig,
What people think he does not care,
My roommate is a pig,

Don't find roommates on the Internet,
You'll be real sorry if you do,
Online roommates will make you upset,
The day they move in you will rue.

MY SPACESHIP DIDN'T MAKE AND NEITHER DID I

My spaceship didn't get into outer space,
Instead, it crashed upon it's face,
I would have cried,
But, of course I died,
In the angel's choir I sing base.

Monday, March 13, 2017

THE TENOR PIG THAT MADE IT BIG

I gave my pig a real fair choice,
Become a ham or use his voice,
His tenor voice was brilliant,
Really opera resilient,
Now, his ride is a custom Rolls Royce. 

Friday, March 10, 2017

MY SALMON FISHING DAY

Salmon fishing, cold,
Leaky waders, wet socks, POW!!!
Run over, boat, OUCH!!!

Friday, February 17, 2017

GREGG USED A PENCIL TO CLEAN OUT HIS NOSE

Gregg used a pencil to clean out his nose,
It was a poor choice and caused him great woes,
Though he used the eraser end,
It got stuck in the nose bend,
His humiliation just grows and grows.

 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

SPACE MONKEY JUSTICE

A space monkey landed on my old car,
He was nasty cause he got drunk at the bar,
He barred his mean teeth,
He bit my little brother named Keith,
So, the space monkey got town justice with feathers and tar.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

OLD SKEGGEY, THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER

The Skegemog Lake monster attacked my tin boat,
He bit it in half so, it would no longer float,
But I got a real special wish,
Skeggey was hungry for just fish,
I swam home and this limerick I wrote.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

EVIL ROY THE MOTH LIMERICK

Roy was a great big summer moth,
He only ate pure cotton cloth,
He would never play fair,
Ate holes in underwear,
The drafts made you yearn for hot broth.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

I DON'T PUT THE QUARTERS IN MY LEAKY POT

I took a pottery class and made me a pot,
But, it didn't hold liquids because it leaked a lot,
So, I stored in it my change,
The denominational range,
Except quarters, I spend all that I got.


Monday, January 30, 2017

ODE TO MY SNOW COVERED SHACK ON THE HILL

My snow covered shack up on the hill,
Came crashing down upon my still,
It buried my corn, my sugar, my mash,
It even buried two cans of corned beef hash,
All I saved were some pickles; I think they're dill.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

THE JOHN VIEN TOOTHPICK LEGEND

Old John Vien cut the timber down,
On his eighty acres,
He floated the logs down the stream,
To find some timber takers,

John Vien hopped among the logs,
With a stick to clear logs that cram,
All went well until the water stopped,
At a beaver's big log jam,

Now, John Vien's timber float,
Was ending as the logs crammed tight,
But, John Vien had on his river boat,
A load of dynamite,

The dynamite blew up the dam real good,
But, the logs were now splinters in the air,
That's how John Vien started his toothpick business,
And became a millionaire.






Wednesday, January 25, 2017

MY LIFE INSURANCE SALESMAN

A zombie came up to my door,
And, sold me life insurance until I was poor,
He put me in my place,
As he chewed on his own face,
So, I got a second job so I could buy more.

My life insurance policy really paid,
To my wife and her boyfriend's accolade,
Now, my life insurance agent, the zombie,
Works for some company named Crombie,
And, his bite got me into the zombie parade.


Thursday, January 19, 2017

I SMELL A LITTER BOX

I have the laziest cat in my dwelling,
Lately, his litter box has been smelling,
I told my cat to clean it out,
But, he just cracked open another stout,
Then, said that if I didn't clean it out he was telling.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

I HIBERNATE BUT I'D RATHER HEAD SOUTH

As Mr. Winter opened his mouth,
Many tweeters flew to the South,
But, when I felt the cold air,
I was a hibernating bear,
Still, I envy critters that are heading douth.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

BRAIN PUDDING

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite,
I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit,
Ideas, my mind can't hold,
My brains are pudding I've been told,
But, I'm not the one having a fit.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

2017 ON THE NEGATIVE HAIKU

New Year's Day, Big Deal,
Horizon Bleak, Sunshine Rare,
Year Of The Bed Bug!