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Saturday, December 30, 2017

POOR PLANNING ON MY NEW YEAR'S EVE

I had poor planning on my New Year's Eve,
Thin ice lost me my sled on Little Lake Steve,
And, deep the motor went humming,
Be there till second coming,
Perhaps insurance will grant me reprieve.



NEW YEARS EVE LIMERICK



On New Year's Eve we all love to go out,
We drink and eat with gusto and shout,
At midnight we chug the mug,
Give our loved one a hug,
And, make promises we won't keep, no doubt.

Friday, December 29, 2017

BALLAD OF THE LITTLE TRUMPETIER

The little trumpetier,
Played best after drinking his beer,
And, for half a shot and a fin,
He'd back-play violin,
It's too bad he had a tin ear.

Thursday, December 28, 2017

MERMAID IN A CAN OR PSYCHOLOGY 101

I like tuna fish but, the family will not touch,
I say it's the perfect fish but, they say the fish taste is too much,
So, tuna fish at my house is under a family ban,
But, we all chow down on what I've renamed "Mermaid In A Can." 

MY SLED RAN OUT OF GAS

My sled ran right out of gas,
On a river in a pass,
The ice broke,
Then, steamy smoke,
And, I got wet full mass. 


Wednesday, December 27, 2017

LITTLE NORM ROGGAN RODE HIS TOBOGGAN

Little Norm Roggan,
Rode his toboggan,
Down the hill,
With limited skill,
And, hit poor Mr. Quill on the noggin.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

GEORGE WAITED TO SEE THE NEW YEAR

George waited to see the New Year,
He drank fifty cans of light beer,
To the bathroom he went,
He stayed in there 'till Lent,
So he misssed all the fun and the cheer.

Monday, December 25, 2017

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS ON CHRISTMAS EVE WITH HOPE


I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.







THE AWSOME SUPRISE ON CHRISTMAS MORNING



I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.







Sunday, December 24, 2017

SANTA CLAUS RODE ON HIS RED SLEIGH

Santa Claus rode on his red sleigh,
Bringing presents on Christmas day,
He couldn't hardly steer,
His rowdy reindeer,
Till he agreed to give them more pay.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

TRISH THE MERMAID

There was a pretty mermaid named Trish,
If you were nice she’d grant you one wish,
I asked to swim well,
Then, Trish cast her spell,
She turned me into a goldfish.

Friday, December 22, 2017

MARCIE MOE THE REINDEER POEM THREE AND EPIC EPILOGUE

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Was born on Guy Fawkes Day,
It's a holiday no one cares about,
Like the one the first of May,

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Wanted to pull old Santa's sleigh,
But, every time he tried her out,
It ended ugly in some way,

So, Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Started a business pulling sleds,
She started by delivering children's toys,
But, made her money delivering meds,

Marcie Moe the reindeer,
Is a billionaire many say,
She lives in Honolulu,
And, told Santa to stick his sleigh.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

POOR MARTIN THE ICE FISHERMAN

Martin went ice fishing in the spring,
But, swimming was not Martin's thing,
So, when he fell through the ice,
His head bobbed up twice,
Poor Martin washed up a molding.  

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

WHEN I MET AN AMOEBA MONSTER LIMERICK

I had a really bad, bad fright,
It was a weird monster I met one night,
It was a green Amoeba,
It's name was Reba,
I think my eyeballs weren't screwed in right. 


Tuesday, December 19, 2017

LESTER THE GOOSE

Lester the goose was extremely proud,
He had no talent except, he was loud,
The problem is,
That when doing show biz,
Lester was not smart nor, was he well endowed.

Monday, December 18, 2017

BENNY COLLECTED COINS OF SILVER AND GOLD

Benny collected coins of silver and gold,
They came from the mint, authenticated I’m told,
He should have been very rich,
But, there was some sort of hitch,
The price didn’t go up until after he sold.

Benny collected coins found out in the sea,
The coins were from pirate treasure as rare as can be,
But, Benny had bad fate,
For the coins were modern of date,
The oldest date was just 2003.



Sunday, December 17, 2017

SOME SAY MY HOUSE IS HAUNTED

Someone said that when I go sleepy,
Then, my house looks really creepy,
It creeks and cracks,
It coughs and hacks,
It cries like it is weepy.



Saturday, December 16, 2017

MY OLD CAR I CANNOT TRUST

My old car I cannot trust,
The engine belches out green dust,
And, when it's running you had better pray,
That it will stop somewhere, someway.

Many say it needs new brakes,
Maybe valves or air intakes,
My own concern is for the driver's door,
It is missing like the floor,




Friday, December 15, 2017

DILL PICKLES NASTY GAS

Dill pickles give Jerry a nasty gas,
It takes so long for it to pass,
It takes more than one day,
That’s too long most say,
From the mouth to the end of his mass.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

MYRNA PLAYED THE PIPE ORGAN LIMERICK

Myrna played the pipe organ,
She did not play it very well,
That’s why all around her home,
The neighbors all wanted to sell,

 Myrna chased all the dogs away,
And, the little kitty cats too,
Her horrible noise was just so bad,
 Away all the birdies flew,

Myrna‘s husband at last had enough,
 He stuffed full the pipes with gum,
So, Myrna took up a new instrument,
And, started beating on her drum.

A PARTRIDGE IN A SPELLING BEE

On the first day of school a partridge entered a spelling bee,
He could not spell potato so, he received the grade of "E",

On the second day of school a partridge gave his teacher gloves,
They were made of the feathers from two naked turtle doves,

On the third day of school a partridge brought to school his lunch,
Consisting of three roasted French hens and some homemade apple punch,

On the fourth day of school a partridge got in trouble rapidly,
When, he let loose four calling birds because he thought they should be free,

On the fifth day of school a partridge did show-and-tell with glee,
Showing off his five gold rings while drinking a coffee,

On the sixth day of school a partridge played soccer on a field,
And, saw six geese laying eggs in a size denoting yield, 

On the seventh day of school a partridge skipped school to take a swim,
Except for seven swans the partridge had all the beach for him, 

On the eigth day of school a partridge went on a field trip,
And, saw eight maids a milking and a growling dog named Nip,

On the ninth day of school a partridge spent some time glancing,
At nine pretty ladies who were in the hallway dancing,

On the tenth day of school a partridge joined choir to do some peeping,
And, the sound blended so well that ten lords started leaping,

  
   

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

TOM ATE HONEY UNTIL HE SMELLED LIKE A BEE

Tom ate honey until he smelled like a bee,
Which attracted the bears from every county,
Tom feared a bad beaten,
But, instead he was eaten,
By a bear who had just ate a Mountie.


Tuesday, December 12, 2017

JIM'S APARTMENT

Jim's apartment, it's kind of small,
The bathroom is a picture on a wall,
The kitchen's a delight,
A plate hanging from the light,
And, to sleep Jim curls up in a ball.

Monday, December 11, 2017

THE LAKE MICHIGAN SERPANT NAMED SAM

In Lake Michigan there was a serpent named Sam,
He swimed, he swum and, he swam,
He swam up a river,
To make Salmon quiver,
But, his tail got caught in a Damn.

Sam likes to sink really small vessels,
But, with bigger boats Sam wrestles,
If he has not the muscle,
He'll lose out in the tussle,
He then swims to his cave where he nestles.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

MY FORTUNE TOLD FOR A TIP

My psychic with a single card flip,
Said I should be leaving a much larger tip,
She said my penchant for being cheap,
Put the spirit world fast asleep,
And, my fortunes would soon take a dip.
 

Saturday, December 9, 2017

MY CREDIT CARD CHARGE IS FIFTY PERCENT-Limerick

My credit card charge is fifty percent,
When I pay it I get kind of all bent,
With all the bank fees,
I'm down on my knees,
Even on savings they charge me for rent.

Friday, December 8, 2017

A BAD LIMERICK

I made a limerick up last week,
Its rhymes were solid but rhythms weak,
It wasn’t funny,
Or sad or sunny,
And, its wisdom you would not seek.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

CANNING TOMATOES HAIKU

Canning tomatoes,
Big mess on counter and floor,
Spoiled, belly ache.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

THE SNAKE IN THE TOILET

In Sam’s toilet there was a rattlesnake,
He thought it crawled up from his septic tank,
While his wife was baking a birthday cake,
Poor Sam just stood there completely blank,

“Come here honey,” Sam called to his wife,
“Come here and help me out”,
Poor old Sam was in fear for his life,
He was too afraid to just shout,

Sam’s wife came into the bathroom at last,
She told Sam he had to get loose,
But, poor Sam turned around way to fast,
And, the snake bit him on the caboose,

Sam’s wife was a widow fair,
She even kept the snake and tank,
The snake and widow made quite the pair,
With Sam’s life insurance in the bank.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

FIGS, RIGS AND BIG BUCK DEER

Amy liked to munch on figs,
While driving along in real big rigs,
Once she dropped her fig on the floor,
Then went reaching for some more,


Out jumped a big buck deer,
That caused Amy to try to veer,
She missed the buck but could not steer,
She may still eat figs, just not around here.

Monday, December 4, 2017

BOB THE PICCOLO FLUTE PLAYER WITH GAS

Bob liked to play the piccolo flute,
But, when he’d blow air out the back end he’d toot,
It did not sound really fancy,
It made the audience very antsy,
So, the band leader gave Bob the boot.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

THERE WAS A COLLEGE STUDENT NAMED DRAKE

There was a college student named Drake,
Over and over the same class he'd take,
The first time he got a "C",
The second time a grade "B",
He should get an "A" now for goodness sake.



Saturday, December 2, 2017

THERE WAS A BAND THAT PLAYED TOO LOUD

There was a band that played too loud,
They were really bad but, quite proud,
They could not rap,
Nor rhythm tap,
They could never did draw a big crowd.

Friday, December 1, 2017

THE MARTIAN LIMERICK

Martian, Martian from the sky,
How'd you Martians learn to fly,
We once tried space travel here,
But, 'cause of money and fear,
On Earth we're all going to die.

Martian, Martian you have traveled far,
While, we can't build a reliable car,
We can't stay in space,
We're a dumbing-down race,
Remember us when you reach your next star.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

MY GOLDEN THANKSGIVING TURKEY

I bought a golden turkey for my Thanksgiving holiday,
He was really cheap and cost me so very little pay,
But, it was really hard to eat,
His gold leaf covered meat,
And, my ulcers should be healed up by next May.



Wednesday, November 29, 2017

BIG FOOT'S GREETING ON TURKEY DAY

I went out hunting deer on this turkey day,
But, all I saw was bigfoot and here's what he had to say,
"Get out of my woods,"
"Or I'll rip your goods,"
So, I turned tail and ran away.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

JIMMY IS NO FISHERMAN

Jimmy used a jitterbug to try to catch a pike,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was his older brother Spike,
Jimmy used a silver spoon to try to catch a crappie,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was the ear of his old pappy,
Jimmy used a plastic worm to try to catch a bass,
But, the only thing that Jimmy hooked was his cousin's giant mass,
Jimmy used a squirrel-tail to try to catch a trout,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was Jimmy's great big snout.     
Jimmy used a coupon to purchase fish and fries,
Because if Jimmy kept on fishing then, everybody dies. 

MY TURKEY WOULD NOT STUFF

When stuffing my turkey, my turkey would not stuff,
I think it was the stuffing that made the job so rough,
I tried stuffing the bird with juice,
But, as stuffing juice is loose,
After stuffing the bird a third time I decided I had enough.

Monday, November 27, 2017

OPERATIONAL TIME TRAVEL

There's no question that I travel through time,
In the natural order it isn't a crime,
But, the direction I travel seems set in stone,
I can't travel to see skin put back on a bone,

Dinosaur bones I can see built up to the sky,
But, I can only imagine how they could live and or die,
It seems the direction of time takes me only one way,
I can move towards tomorrow but not yesterday,
You see I have often traveled from what did to what does,
But, I have never transversed from what's now to what was. 

Sunday, November 26, 2017

THE BASSOON GIRLS

Four girlfriends played the bassoon,
But, their friendship would be ending soon,
For three of them would have despair,
Because only one could be first chair,

All four girls practiced every night,
From supper time until the light,
One day they played for the contested chair,
All the music teachers listened with care,

But, three of them hit many foul notes,
The one that didn't got all the votes,
Now, the three losers their friendship has grown,
While the first chair girl sits in first chair alone.

MY BOAT MOTOR SINKS IN THE SEA

My little boat's motor went over the side,
It happened so fast that I just let it slide,
Of course it rains and it pours,
I forgot to bring oars,
And, the lake was real long and real wide.


Saturday, November 25, 2017

VOLTAIRE THE GOAT

Voltaire was a goat placed into my care,
From the cloths line he ate the kings underwear,
No undies made the king got cold,
He got angry so, I was told,
The late king tried to butt heads with Voltaire.



Friday, November 24, 2017

THE BLEEDS: CURSE OF THE VAMPIRE

Wicked disease, ultimate decay,
They shun the light of every day,
No one listens when they pray,
Like angels that have fallen away.

On human blood the vampire feeds,
Fulfilling his abnormal needs,
Souls transformed like vampire seeds,
They prowl the night and spread the bleeds.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

SQUISHY RHUBARB PIE

My rhubarb pie came out real squishy,
Cousin Tim wouldn't eat it nor would cousin Trishy,
Uncle Bob ate it and got really sick,
As did dad and mom and grandma Vick,
May they get well is my holiday wishy.
   

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

LITTLE CHICKEN IN MY BACKYARD PARK

Little chicken in my backyard park,
You escaped from farmer with the dark,
You eat bugs and seeds in my petunia bed,
You could be chicken nuggets covered with bread,

Little chicken in my backyard park,
Pecking bugs from the red pine bark,
I hope your foods are really nutritious,
For I think chicken is quite delicious. 

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

THE HOUSE OF BEARS LIMERICK

 It was dark as I eased down the stairs,
It was scary as I looked out for bears,
I went to the fridge for a snack,
Then, the bears made their attack,
Now,  the food in my fridge is all theirs.

Monday, November 20, 2017

I WENT TO THE CIRCUS TO SEE DUNDER THE CLOWN

I went to the circus to see Dunder the clown,
But, Dunder had just got back from a night-on-the-town,
And, Dunder the clown star,
Smashed up the clown car,
Dunder's clown-smile was now a clown-frown. 

Sunday, November 19, 2017

THE CLOUD COMPUTING LIMERICK

I'm computing way up in a cloud,
It's the new thing and I'm feeling new-proud,
But, I worry each day,
If I'm one click away,
Of my info sent far and made loud. 

MORAL: DON'T SWIM WITH SHARKS POEM

Two tree monkeys swam way out in the bay,
They thought swimming way out was such fun and great play,
Then, along came a shark looking for a feast,
Sighting the monkeys he became a monkey hungry beast,

The first monkey said as he was in the shark’s reach,
“Oh, I wish we were swimming up near the beach,”
The second monkey said as he watched his friend eaten, every pound,
"I wish we had stayed in our tree and never touched down on the ground".


Saturday, November 18, 2017

MY PRETTY PET PIG

My pretty pet pig felt so forsaken,
When her boyfriend was sold for back bacon,
I fed her a lunch,
It was bacon,” crunch, crunch”,
She wonders why her heart had been achin’.

Friday, November 17, 2017

I GUESS I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME

I guess I have no one to blame,
I missed out at my one chance for fame,
For I rescued a treed kitty,
Said the paper of the city,
But, they neglected to correctly spell my name.

ICY SIDEWALK HAIKU

Icy, sidewalk, slip,
Strain, unbalanced, fall, impact,
Leg broke, bones heal, spring,

Thursday, November 16, 2017

THE MIXED METAPHOR OPINIONS

Once I was a young belligerent fool,
My refrigerant filled veins I thought were cool,
I was a well meaning gent,
But, my opinions were  too bent,
To make them a real useful tool.
   

THE GNOME LIMERICKS

Marcy was a real pretty horse,
A gnome ate her for his main course,
Then he ate my dog,
My cat and my frog,
Gnomes are such an evil force.

There was a little gnome named Klaus,
He kept gnawing on my old house,
He liked tasty paint,
With a bit of lead taint,
And, termites and the occasional mouse.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

MY LITTLE CHIPPY LIMERICK

My little chipmunk has become very crazed,
Since he was a little chippy, on peanuts I raised,
Now he foams at the mouth,
He caught rabies in the South,
And, when he gets very close he gets tased.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Monday, November 13, 2017

BABY BOB HAD A DIAPER RASH

Baby boy Bob had a diaper rash,
His mother changed his diaper and put it in the trash,
But, the diaper rash was a curse,
Over time it got worse and worse,
He even had it at his bachelor boy bash.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN III

My time machine broke down in the time of Ganges Khan,
It was a time where brains had no standing against brawn,
Khan was vicious and not real nice,
He spread plague infected lice,
I brought some back but, they escaped into my lawn.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

LEPRECHAUN LIMERICK

LEPRECHAUNS

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he’d eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

MY SHOTGUN EXPLODED IN MY FACE

My shotgun exploded in my face,
Even though, I had duct tape in place,
And, just like last year,
The explosion scared off the deer,
Maybe, a new shotgun will draw me an ace.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

BRAD ATE SPOILED HOT DOG RELISH

Brad ate a hot dog but the relish was spoiled,
His stomach couldn't take it and so it recoiled,
He had to repeat and repeat,
Until his upchuck was complete,
Now he won't eat relish unless it's been boiled.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

A LAMENT FOR BILLY THE BATTERY

Billy was a battery,
He didn’t last very long,
His very short longevity,
Seems extremely wrong,

Now Billy’s lost and tormented soul,
Is haunting me every night,
His untimely death has taken its toll,
I can’t see with my worthless flashlight.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

JENNY BOUGHT A USED SNOWMOBILE LIMERICK

Jenny bought a used snowmobile from Dix,
But, he did not tell all the things to fix,
It spent the last winter underwater,
As a second home for Mr. Otter,
Of course lake bottoms and snowmobiles don’t mix.

Monday, November 6, 2017

GROVER THE CHICKEN AND MR. TURKEY

There was a meek chicken named Grover,
Who loved to see the end of October,
Because Mr. Turkey,
Was a real turkey jerky,
In November his time would be over.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

BOB ROY AND SANT'A'S FROSTED SALTINE CRACKERS

Bob Roy had no time to bake,
Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake,
Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers,
So, Bob Roy spread the caned frosting on saltine crackers,

When Santa came down Bob Roy’s woodstove pipe,
He was covered with soot and had to wipe,
When Santa was done he looked for his traditional eats,
His glass of fresh milk and homemade cookie treats,

Now, Santa had brought Bob Roy something real nice,
It was a homemade jerky maker complete with jerky spice,
Old Santa’s belly needed some food and growled like a bear,
Then Santa found his gift snack but, could not believe what was there,

On the table surrounded with decorations ornate,
Sat many colored saltine crackers on a cookie plate,
Santa was hungry and could not hesitate,
So, all the frosted saltine crackers Santa downed away straight,

The saltines were dry so Santa guzzled down his milk,
Then he wondered what kind of people? What kind of ilk?
Would substitute saltine crackers for cookies anyway?
But, Santa knew he had to get back to his sleigh,

Santa left Bob Roy the jerky maker so Bob Roy would be happy,
Then, up the stove pipe Santa took off feeling kind of sappy,
In exchange for a jerky make complete with jerky maker spice,
Santa got saltine crackers and he thought he itched a bit with lice.









Saturday, November 4, 2017

TOTAL MICHIGAN SEASONS : 2.1

In Michigan you don't get much fall,
Fall is hardly a season at all,
Fall is just a small splinter,
Between summer and winter,
And, the spring season we don't get at all.

Friday, November 3, 2017

MY WATCHING THE NORTHERN STAR DEFENCE

I was watching the northern star,
Unfortunately, I was driving my car,
I hit some black ice,
My car spun round thrice,
I ended up in the same lane at par.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

SANTA WENT FISHING LIMERICK

Santa went fishing way out on a bay,
He ran out of bait so he used his tope,
He caught a big steelhead trout,
His tope went to the bottom no doubt,
Now, Santa is bald untill this very day.

BARTLEBY THE CRIBNER

Bartleby liked to stay in a baby crib,
He had a baby bottle, blanket and bib,
He once ran a bank,
It went into the tank,
At sixty he couldn't take any one's rib.

ODE TO THE DEEP DARK WEB

Why not live on the deep dark web,
The deep dark web's for me,
Why not live on the deep dark web,
Where the media all comes free,

I use to pay for this and that,
Yeah, all those subscriber fees,
I ate Ramon noodles while the fat cats got fat,
I watched old TV while they watched new sleaze,

Now, I recommend the deep dark web,
You get great content without the billing,
The games, music, and shows on the deep dark web,
Are absolutely thrilling,

Well, things have changed an awful lot,
Since, I found the deep dark web,
It's like I've found a new formed Camelot,
While, my cash outflows have a major ebb.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

LAVA MONSTER HAIKU

LAVA MONSTER I
Lava monster roars,
Scares small children, big men,
Rock burns, cells make steam.

LAVA MONSTER II
Burnt feet, face, backside,
Hot, run, run from Earth’s orange blood,
Deadly, curious.

MY LICENSE TO KILL (VAMPIRES)

I just got my license to hunt the vampires,
This had always been one of my great desires,
So, I went to the fair,
Found just werewolves there,
At the circus is where vamps ride the high wires.

 

Monday, October 30, 2017

WENDEL ATE TOO MUCH WHOOPEE WEED

Wendel was a poisoned frog,
He ate too much whoopee weed,
He'd be fine if he just ate the stalks,
But, he also ate the seed,

No one knew how sick Wendel was,
Because his skin was always green,
They thought Wendel had just caught a buzz,
Until he coughed up half his spleen,

Wendel made it to a medic,
Now he is o.k.
He just had a three day headache,
Whoopee weed he avoids today.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

THE FISH BAIT WHITTLER

I sat in my yard swing giving four hours to a whittle,
Carving a fish bait to the size of a skittle,
Now, some think I should do more,
Than wasting hours times four,
But, I think carving wastes my time very little.

HENRY'S RUBBER CRAWLERS

Henry went fishing with his rubber crawlers,
They work really well behind fishing traulers,
Just tie on the harness for the worm,
Watch him wiggle and squirm,
Some worms are just natural brawlers.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

MY COMPUTER IS SLOWING WAY DOWN

My computer is slowing way down,
My smile is now a stiff frown,
Could  it be  a virus today?
Or, the net's slow with E-bay?
I'm going  to bed after I put on my gown.

MY NEIGHBOR NEEDS A SHIRT LIMERICK

My neighbor was born with an extra arm and  a hand,
To find a shirt that would fit him he searched over the land,
Then, on one flea market table,
There was a cloth made of sable,
He cut some holes in it and felt royally grand.


Friday, October 27, 2017

SANTA BOUGHT A HOUSE IN PALM SPRINGS

Santa bought a winter house in Palm Springs,
He went there when he was done with  Santa things,
At the club he dressed so debonair,
He looked well with money to spare,
For he pawned his wife’s gold bracelets and rings.


Thursday, October 26, 2017

MY COW NAMED MOSES

I owned a cow named Moses,
Instead of hooves she had big toeses,
I could not keep them clean,
She got really mean,
So I picked her a bunch of roses.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

THE CATFISH WAS A GAS AT MY PARTY

A well dressed catfish showed up at my party,
We played clue and that catfish was a smarty,
He always knew which weapon and room,
And thus, the murderer he could assume,
Too bad he ate bean dip and got farty.

BANKERS THEE

Mel and Bernie Bankers Thee,
What will you guys take from me?
You took my money,
You took my house,
You even took my kids and spouse.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

GUIDE TO BEING A LADIES MAN LIMERICK

If a guy over ladies wants power,
Then, at least once a day he should shower,
And, to remove a romantic despair,
A guy should well wash his hair,
And, fart only once every hour.

NANCY LOVES HER BITUMEN

Nancy loved her bitumen drive,
It was better than gravel and it kept her alive,
When the bitumen had a hole,
Nancy about lost her soul,
She missed a tree and a ditch to survive.
,

Monday, October 23, 2017

A LEPRECHAUN NAMED PETE

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he’d eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

There was a leprechaun named Sam,
He loved his eggs, bacon and ham,
He once ate a green bean,
It gassed up his small spleen,
Then, he released the gas with a “Bam!”

Sunday, October 22, 2017

BANKING, FRANKING, THE MARKETS AND ME

I lost my money in shadow banking,
While the markets rose my account was tanking,
Of course when the markets eroded,
My account  then imploded,
Now, I invest in collectible franking.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

WOODSTOVE POISION GAS HAIKU

Woodstove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, woodstove top, melt,
FLAMES, SMOKE,  POISOIN GAS ..

Monday, October 16, 2017

THE FURNACE

My furnace does not keep me warm,
It dies when there is a snow storm,
It's not so fun,
When your heater don't run,
And on your nose the icicles form.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

THE BALLAD OF MR. TIM THE WOODCHUCK .

Arnie had a pet woodchuck,
His name was Mr. Tim,
Mr. Tim liked to play all day,
Upon his jungle gym,

Mr. Tim ate beef jerky,
Sometimes he’d eat pot pie,
On holidays he would eat turkey,
Served with mayonnaise on rye,

Mr. Tim was an odd woodchuck,
Because he never tried to chuck wood,
Mr. Tim never had to earn a buck,
Because his master treated him good.







MY DEER DECISION

I decided not to go out and hunt any deer,
My blind didn't have cable and just one rabbit ear,
So, at home I watched cable,
And, dined on my coffee table,
While, drinking bottles and bottles of beer.


Saturday, October 14, 2017

I GRABBED A WILD TURKEY BY THE BEAK

I grabbed a wild turkey by the beak,
I thought it would stay calm but, boy did it freak,
It squawked a turkey alarm,
Then it bit off my arm,
Now a doctor is just what I seek.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

CORRINE THE MERMAID IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

Corrine is a mermaid in Grand Traverse Bay,
She is shy so if she sees you she will swim away,
She swims free like a trout,
But, watches all about,
I'd like to meet and greet her one day.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

AT DOMINOES I STINK BUT, AT CHESS I WIN WITH DRINK

Little numbers I'm not good to choose,
So, at dominoes I was destined to loose,
So, I played at chess,
The moves I did guess,
I did better; I think it were the good booze.

CHIPMUNK VS SQURREL SHOPPIING PHILOSOPHY

The squirrel went to a regular store,
The chipmunk shopped online,
The chipmunk drank his cheap label beer,
The squirrel sampled fine cheese and wine.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

MUTINY IN THE STEW

I went fishing for a dogfish,
But, all I caught was another log-fish,
So, I fed my crew,
Some log-fish stew,
They mutinied after a sword swish.

THERE ONCE WAS A CROCODILE NAMED LARRY LIMERICK 1

There once was a crocodile named Larry,
He was the only crock that was hairy,
His fangs were real long,
His claws sharp and strong,
He certainly looked very scary.

Monday, October 9, 2017

THE ROAD MOST TAKEN

If you take the road most taken,
You’ll bring home a lot of bacon,
Take the road that’s not,
You won’t have a pot,
Then, with your family you will be forsaken.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

WILLIE THE WEASAL WARRIOR LIMERICK

Willie was a weasal warrior,
He read Huck Finn but, not Tom Sawyer,
He liked to play hearts,
And, occasionally darts,
At night he'd sing on his foyer.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

MOON STRANDED DREAMS

Four stranded astronauts were sitting on a moon,
Dreaming of banana bread and a Saturday cartoon,
Then, one of them got silly,
And, dreamed of Cajun chili,
Then, they all dreamed ice cream was coming very, very soon.



TIME IS NOT KIND

Time is not kind,
It brings no peace of mind,
Your muscles go gooey slack,
And, there is that sharp pain in the back,
Your body is ready for an archeologist find

MAILBOX FORLORN-HAIKU

Mailbox, forlorn soul,
Icy road, bad driver,
 SMASH! Metal scraps, goodbye.

Friday, October 6, 2017

THE LITTLE BEE NAMED BARRY LIMERICK

There was a little bee named Barry,
He couldn’t get a girlfriend ‘cause his legs were hairy,
So he tried to groom,
Shaved his legs zoom, zoom,
But, now his legs look ten times as scary.

WRONG TURN AT THE MACARONI FACTORY

I went to the factory where they shape macaroni like bows,
The kind that when you boil it is modestly grows,
But, I made a wrong turn,
So, what did I learn?
Well, it was how to macaroni shaped "O's." 
 

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

GRANNY LIKED TO CATCH FISH OUT OF SEASON LIMERICK

Granny liked to catch fish out of season,
She liked to eat them that was her reason,
She caught bass and brown trout,
And any others about,
She ate fresh fish but most were for freezen.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

SWIMMERS ITCH LIMERICK

Pauline and Paula got swimmers itch,
Because they went swimming in a ditch,
They ignored the no swimming sign,
So now they both pine,
For a swimming hole without a big hitch.

Monday, October 2, 2017

LARRY THE CROCODILE LIMERICK 2

Larry the crocodile owns a bank,
He swims all day in his deluxe fish tank,
If your payments are late,
Then, you will surely be ate,
It's a fate with a really low rank.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

HALLOWEEN CANDY STORE

It's a real full moon,
And Halloween soon,
The trick and treaters,
Are candy overeaters,
But, my candy store is a boon.

GENERATIONS NO DOUGH

The days are long,
The nights are short,
So, my late nights out,
I must abort,

Working long hours,
Can't get ahead,
What the man don't steal,
I must send to the fed,

I have no vacations,
I have low pay,
While my rich, rich boss,
Lives on holiday,

My parents were poor,
No money to blow,
So, ad infinitum,
Generations, no dough.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

STUBED BIG TOE HAIKU

Stubed big toe,pain,ouch!
Coffee table TV close,
Furniture makes move.

Friday, September 29, 2017

PEPPY THE ANTIQUE PICKER LIMERICK

Peppy was a popular picker of antique coins and clothes,
She did not have to see a top pick; she could smell it with her nose,
But, something went really funny,
When Peppy thought she smelled old money,
Because, the smell came from the big toe jams in between her toes.





Thursday, September 28, 2017

BACKWOODS MICHIGAN HEART CLOGGING DIET LIMERICK

I love my bacon grease fried potaters,
I flavor them with garden green tomaters,
With scrambled eggs on the side,
And venison steak grilled with pride,
Such foods to my senses they caters.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

MY PSYCHIC TOLD ME LIMERICK


My psychic told me not to fly,
If I did she said I would surely die,
So, I did not roam,
I stayed at home,
I was hit by a meteor from the sky.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

NEW MOON, JUNE, BABOON, BROTHER-IN-LAW HAIKU

New moon, June, baboon,
Summer guest, brother-in-law,
Slob, eats well, don't flush. 

Monday, September 25, 2017

I ONCE CAUGHT A BIG CRAPPIE

I once caught a great big crappie,
'He tangled my line up in a wrappie,
When I untangled him at last,
He knew his time was past,
I  friend him in grease and was happy.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

SALMON AND LEMONADE

Vonnie made some lemonade,
To go with Charlie's salmon,
And, Vonnie's lemonade made golden grade,
But, Charlie's salmon was not mammon,

The salmon flavor was just not plain strong,
It had a flavor that was just plain wrong,
And, the fish was covered with a white fuzzy,
Even the flies wouldn't give it a buzzy,

Now, although lemonade and salmon was the dinner proposal,
The main course ended up down the garbage disposal,
So, to go with the lemonade what was there to eat?
Well, a basket of tater tots became the main treat.







Wednesday, September 20, 2017

THE TWIT WHO WRIT THE SKIT

I be the twit who writ the skit,
About the possum who liked to knit,
I thought it had an Emmy's gold glow,
As a series TV show,
Alas, I found no network who liked the bit.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

THE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED SHORT-LEGGED PIG

My pig has short legs by design,
A genetically engineered short-legged swine,
His legs can't support his great weight,
So, like a good mate,
He stays home sharing stories and wine.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

ODE TO THE LEPRECORN-Strange Creature Limerick

There was a creature called the leprecorn,
It was the strangest creature ever born,
A unicorn body it had,
With Leprechaun head mean and mad,
In the middle of the head was a horn.

The leprecorn liked to dance in the woods,
It guarded its gold and the rest of it's goods,
If you came to steal,
He'd give you a deal,
It was a horn in the rump for all hoods.

The leprecorn was the son of McMurry,
When the corn was born all said not to worry,
"He'd outgrow his strange look"'
"If fifty years it took",
Now it's been ninety-five what's the hurry.
,

Friday, September 15, 2017

A DUNG BEETLE NAMED BARB

There was a dung beetle named Barb,
Her diet was really high carb,
She did not feel well,
She burst through her shell,
For dress she must find some new garb.

Barb was a dung beetle that ate all day,
She chowed down cow dung mixed with some clay,
She ran out in the sun,
Then, stopped and couldn't run,
Barb baked into a statue that day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION; FAILURE IS DESTINY

“Failure is not an option,” Bob would often spout,
But, Bob knew not what he was really talking about,
Bob’s future plans were bold,
Then, Bob grew very old,
Bob found “Failure is destiny,” without a doubt.


Thursday, September 14, 2017

SAVANNAH TOO SMART

Savannah was just too smart,
She was segregated apart,
She had such a yearn,
To be too stupid to learn,
And to laugh when one throws a lawn jart.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

WHEN THE SPRINGS POP LIMERICK

George had two springs pop up in his bed,
One stabbed him in the back the other in the head,
George’s mind filled with doom,
So he ran from his bedroom,
A few more stabbings and he thought that he’d be dead.



PEOPLE HAVE FLAVOR

People have flavor,
People taste just like chicken,
A real treat for bears.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

THE TWISTING TURTLE

There's a snapping turtle who does the twist,
He stands on hind legs while each front leg makes a fist,
One of those swerving long-neckers, 
Making moves like Chubby Checkers,
All night long til the sun cuts the mist.

ELI CONDUCTS THE BAND LIMERICK

Eli tried to conduct the band,
He couldn’t read music and soon got canned,
So he took a music course,
Learned the power of the force,
During ovations the audience will stand.

Monday, September 11, 2017

PATTY AND HER NASTY PIES

Patty's pies are really bitter,
Althogh she brags them up on twitter,
The inside is like soup,
Smells like a dog coop,
The baking bug should not have bit her.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

MY SPACE/TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN LIMERICK

My time/space machine just broke right down,
I spilled my beer and the darn thing shorted queen's royal crown,
It will  just not start,
It won’t blink or spit a fart,
I guess I’m stuck in this miserable earthling smelling town.

CLARITY OF MIND

Today I had a "clarity of mind,"
I realized that I was in a real bind,
My taxes were due,
My insurances too,
And, no money could I find.


Saturday, September 9, 2017

IVAN THE BEAR LIKES FISH

There was a grizzly bear named Ivan,
In the river he'd go a diving,
He'd make a wish,
Dive for a fish,
A fish dinner he was a striving.

Friday, September 8, 2017

I COME FROM A PLANET WITH TWO SUNS AND TWO MOONS LIMERICK

I come from a planet with two suns and two moons,
Many groves of apple trees line up in platoons,
It never turns night,
You live only in light,
You can eat lunch twice cause there are two noons.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

MY POLYMERS AND ME

I have polymers in my curtains,
I have polymers in my cloths,
I have polymers in my automobile,
And, doctors force polymers up my nose,

I have polymers in my dishes,
I have polymers where I eat,
I use polymers to clean my fishes,
I have polymers on my feet,

I think polymers came from a spacecraft,
From deep, dark outer space,
For on some polymer planet,
There lives a polymer race,

So, I think we've been invaded,
By polymer people from afar,
They seek conformity to the polymers,
Around every fusion driven star.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

THE GLAD, THE BAD AND THE PEPPER TUSH LIMERICK



Two twin green peppers grew on a bush,
One got rotten and turned into mush,
The good pepper was glad,
That the other went bad,
Because, that gave him more room for his tush. 




 

Sunday, September 3, 2017

THE THRILL OF THE GRILL

I fired up my old rusty gas grill,
Thought for the holiday I'd cook up a thrill,
I cooked burgers and wieners,
For my juveniles and seniors,
And, my grilling made everyone ill. 

THE THING THAT MAKES ME SAD

Watching the sun made my my vision real bad,
Loud music made me deaf and mom mad,
Poor posture my neck ache,
Poor diet made my leg break,
But, it's world news that makes me feel sad.

Friday, September 1, 2017

FLIPPER THE PIG

THE CULTURAL PIG

Flipper the pig was an odd sort of swine,

He never drank spirits except for French wine,

He listened to Bach,

And easy-listening Rock,

While he complained of pig culture decline.
 

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

THE TALE OF THE TURTLE, THE ONION AND THE BEAR

One day a large turtle was crawling along in the forest crushing all the plants in his path. Suddenly, out of no where, there came a high pitched shout, “Stop, Stop, Oh please stop oh great and mighty turtle”.

The turtle stopped abruptly and asked “Who is telling me, the great turtle of the forest to stop?”

“It’s me,” a little voice squeaked. I am the onion plant that is right in front of you and I don’t want to be crushed when you go over me.”

“Well little onion plant,” said the turtle, “I do not know why I should spare you but, I guess I can step aside and change my course slightly so I do not crush you.”

The little onion plant was so happy that he cried out with joy “Oh thank you, thank you or great and wonderful turtle. And for sparing my life, I will always be here to save you from your enemies>“

The turtle smirked a bit and said, “It‘s all well and good that you think you can save me from my enemies but, here in this forest no animal can get to me through my hard, protective shell. In fact, the only animals that can tear apart my shell and get to me are the bears and they are trapped on the other side of the river. They can never get across to this side because the current is just too fast.” With that, the large turtle continued on his way leaving the little onion plant unharmed.

A few weeks later there was a terrible storm. A torrent of water rushed down the river and away the dirt from under the roots of a giant tree. With no dirt left to anchor the roots, the mighty tree fell all the way across the river leaving a large solid bridge for the animals to cross over to the other side. There was one particular bear that noticed the new bridge. This bear had a fondness for turtle meat. He liked turtle meat so much that he had eaten every single turtle on his side of the river. The bear decided that he might find a turtle or two on the other side so he quickly made his way across the tree bridge.

Once on the other side of the bridge, the bear had no problem finding the large turtle that thought he was safe on his side of the river. When the turtle saw the bear coming the turtle quickly scurried away into the forest with the bear in close pursuit. It wasn’t long before the turtle came across the little onion he had spared a few weeks earlier. “Why are you in such a hurry?” the little onion asked the turtle.

“A tree fell across the river and now there is a bear on this side and he is hunting me. I don’t know what to do,” answered the turtle.

“Nibble a little bit off the top of my stem,” the onion said insistently.

“But I’m not hungry,” protested the turtle, “and besides, I’ve got to start running again or the bear is going to eat me.”

“If you want to quit running and get rid of the bear, nibble a little bit off the end of my green shoot. It will hurt but, I can always grow back another shoot but, I can’t grow back my friend.”

The turtle did as he was told. The stem tasted kind of hot and when the bear was right on top of the turtle and about to pounce, the turtle opened up his mouth and let the smell of onion breath hit the bear right in the face. The bear jumped back away from the turtle. “You stink. I couldn’t eat anything that smells as bad as you do,” the bear said in disgust as he walked away.

After that the turtle realized that he had a very good friend in the little green onion. Meanwhile, the bear returned back to his side of the river and told all the other bears there that the turtles on the other smelled so bad that they could not be eaten. After that, no bear ever ventured over to the other side of the river.