MAGIC SANTA GREENS SPOILED CHRISTMAS

Santa  gave everyone a can of spinach, for their present, Christmas Day,

Then Magic Santa, rode off triumphantly, in his vintage, canned goods sleigh,

Staying warm and alive is my goal,

So, I'd rather have a chunk of coal,

I hoped the can was magic; it was spoiled, so I tossed it far away.

THE PURLOINED GOOSE

Christmas was coming, and our old, grey goose got real big and fat,14

Then our neighbors stole our big goose, then ate it, and that was that,14

We still had baked beans,

A salad with greens,

And, a big box of frozen fried chicken that smelled like wet cat.

SANTA'S TAINTED CHICKEN, CHRISTMAS ADVENTURE

I left a chicken sandwich out for Santa, but the chicken was tainted,

While driving, Santa's stomach started growling, and Santa almost fainted,

Santa made a few pit stops,

Calmed his gut with soda pops,

But, by the time Santa started back home, his seat cushion was brown painted.

THE BAD BEHAVIOR OF TINKER

I once knew a vampire, named Tinker,

Tinker was quite a mean, big, bad stinker,

He was not a dear,

He bit me on the ear,

I told Santa; yes, I am a finker.

OUR THANKSGIVING DINNER COMES FROM THE ECONOMIC BOOM!!!

I had to hunt for Thanksgiving dinner, but all I got was a chickadee,

There was not much meat to feed four people, but I claimed dibs on the leg, for me,

We did carve a withered, Halloween gourd,

Split two potatoes, that I could afford

We were all thankful for the economic boom, that somehow, no one can see.

CHRISTMAS PAST, REMEMBERED BY A MAN

I liked to feed all the little squirrels shelled peanuts, all winter long,

I got my kids a cool Christmas present, a video game, called Pong,

I would've lounged around with the old wife,

But she was always busy with a sharp knife,

It's  Christmas in '79, when the world was not quite, so wrong.

CHRISTMAS CANDY 2024

I found the wrapped candy canes, left over from last year,

Are they still good? Or should I just feed them to the deer?  

When I went to buy some more,

I found the prices, did soar,

I tried an old candy cane; they're still good to stir beer.

IF YOUR LIFE STINKS, BLAME THE GNOMES

My broke parents are canceling our Christmas, this year,

No cookies for elves, and Santa won't get his wheat beer,

Wow, our dinner menu is to please,

It's macaroni and yellow cheese,

My present is a stick, that garden gnomes will soon fear.

THE ANNUAL HOLIDAY DINNER AND PUKE

We have Thanksgiving, before we can celebrate our annual Ho Ho, Ho!

Then we meet and  eat ma's half frozen turkey, until our guts feel woe, woe, woe!

The Thanksgiving belly ache,

When we vomit pie and cake,

Ma's turkey is always so darn raw, but she says, we should chew real slow, slow, slow!

BRYAN THE MEAN ON HALLOWEEN

Bryan has an old Halloween soul,

He lives in a furnace with hot coal,

When it becomes Halloween,

Bryan goes out to be seen,

Scaring trick-or-treaters, his mean goal.

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THE SPACE LASAR GOT ME GOOD

There is this glowing space laser, some call it the sun,

It aims straight down on me, like some Martian ray gun,

It's not at all funny,

Getting zapped by the sunny

I feel cooked like a turkey, dry and crispy done.

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A COLD SPELL IN JULY

I went to the beach for sunbathing, but I started to cry,

We were having a big, beach snowstorm on the Fourth Of July,

I had an expensive sunscreen,

Made with something putrid and green,

With my snow covered raspberry, flip flops, I went home, bye, bye.

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THEY'RE COLORED GREEN; WILL I BE DE-FEETED?

All my pretty feet, are turning a real dark green,

Maybe there's a problem, with my flip, flopping spleen,

Is green a sign of foot woe?

Dead, green meat, and off they go?

And, I just bought new shoes, to celebrate Halloween.

TOGETHER, WE DO THE NEW YEAR

You know, all of my friends are make believe,

We're getting together, on New Year's Eve,

We'll all walk to the pub,

Drink a beer; eat a sub,

Head home, and wait for this year, to leave.😀😭

THE CASE OF THE STOLEN CHRISTMAS CHOPS

Mommy made Santa fine pork chops, for the Eve before Christmas day,

I thought fat Santa didn't need pork chops, so I stole them all away,

I ate purloined chops all night long,

I realized next morn, I'd done wrong,

Fat Santa had left me nothing, when he visited with his sleigh.

SANTA HAS LABOR ISSUES

Santa isn't using reindeer to pull his sleigh, this year,

Instead, he's hired unicorns, they're cheap, they'll work for beer,

The reindeer have gone on strike,

Want more breaks, and a pay hike,

The elves won't cross the picket lines, and Christmas Eve is near.

HOLIDAY ANXIETY, SENT ME TO THE NOOK.

I made out all my Christmas cards, but I could not find my address book,

I thought of where it could be, but it wasn't there when I took a look,

My anxiety got so severe,

I smashed a little, plastic reindeer,

Then I went down to the old pub, and sat all by myself in the nook.  

I'M A DICKENS CHRISTMAS CAROL, EVERY SINGLE YEAR

If I want a Christmas Dinner, I'll have to scrape it off the road,

Last year, all I scraped up for Christmas, was the thigh of one squished toad,

I cannot ever, quite understand,

Why every Christmas, I get canned,

Then I can't have heat, food or lights, and get kicked out of my abode.

REINDEER CHUNK CHEESE TARIFFS

I had to pay for a big tariff on my small piece of Cheese,

It was made from reindeer milk, and fresh, big chunks of reindeer sneeze,

It was Canadian dairy,

The big price of it was scary,

If I disguise as Santa, I could smuggle it in with ease.

PUTREFIED PUMPKIN

After Halloween, my Halloween, cut pumpkin made me cry,

I was emotionally trashed, as I watched him rot and die,

So I fed him to the yard birds,

And, other backyard critter herds,

I watched them chew his face away, and I waved to him, bye, bye.

Putrify