WHERE ARE THE SHIPS IN MORTIMER BAY?

There was a pirates cove on Mortimer Bay,
Two pirate ships anchored there one foggy day,
Then, along came Captain Dodger,
Who spied the Jolly Roger,
The Queen's Captain wanted the pirates to pay.

There were three ships in Mortimer Bay,
The largest one sailed away,
The other two had a fight,
Then sank out of sight,
Amongst sand and shellfish they lay.

The large pirate ship on Mortimer Bay,
Ran off from the battle the Bay folks say,
It sailed out to sea,
It was battle free,
But, hit rocks and sank anyway.

A BEE EATING FROG NAMED BUGSY

There was a bee eating frog named Bugsy,
The bees thought that he was a thugsy,
Bugsy stuck out his tongue,
He got his tongue stung,
Now Bugsy the frog needs a hugsy.

NATILE HAD STINKY TOES

Natalie had a really small nose,
Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes,
It was offensive, unclean,
The tainted smell was obscene,
So, she washed between them with a hot power-hose.

I FOUND A FROG IN MY O.J. TODAY

I found a frog in my O.J. today,

And, a worm in my cheese that sat on a tray,

My sandwich had bugs,

My soup was just full of slugs,

 Then, bed bugs swarmed everywhere that I lay.

I ONCE DROVE A BUS

I was stuck driving a bus full of obnoxious teens,

They had all filled up on cans of pork and baked beans,

We hit a bump in the road and that was that,

The windows blew out and the tires went flat,

And, the roof of the bus blasted upwards like a rocket,

I lost both eardrums and one eye from it's socket,

Now, I'm hearing impaired and just have one eye,

And, I won't drive one more bus until the day that I die. 

THE DAY OF THE JUNIPER

I walked along a shrubbery ledge,

Then, from my chest erupted a juniper wedge,

Being back stabbed by shrub wood,

Did not feel very good,

I had planed to remove the old juniper hedge.

I INVENTED TIME TRAVEL OR, HOW I'M GOING TO.LIVE FOREVER

I was sitting contemplating with great gloom,

The arrow of time pointed straight to my doom,

Then, it hit me like a rock,

If I had different times on each clock,

I'd time travel as I moved room to room.

MARY TRIED TO PLAY FRENCH HORN

Mary tried to play the French horn,
It sounded like she was eating corn,
She crunched and smacked,
Then coughed and hacked,
Her music career she should mourn.

BEETLE BUGS IN MY RUGS

I went to clean my kitchen rugs,
They were full of beetle bugs,
They were thrown out the door,
I went down to the store,
Bought new rugs infested with slugs.

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THE CREEPS THAT MAKE ME BAWL

Winter bed bugs are creeping, crawling,

And, their itches are all enthralling, 

Then, there are the tiny mites,

Who, make you covered with their bites,

But, it's the head lice that cause my bawling.

CAVORTING AND RUBS

Docs told me my innards and outsides are crawling with bugs,

Because, I've been cavorting with strangers and giving them hugs,

So, they prescribed me some rubs,

Told me to steer clear of some pubs,

And, it wouldn't hurt if I deep cleaned my bedding and rugs.

LIGHTNING STRUCK THE OUTHOUSE LIMERICK

Down at the outhouse the lightning struck true,

It vented the outhouse and disinfected it too,

But, it had been occupied,

And, the occupant sighed,

"That lightning has been very rude."